A lot of things have changed, about me, about my feelings, about my perspective
I don’t have a lot going for me (tbh I never did)
Life’s fucking unfair and ruthless and I’m not talking about just walking through life on someone else’s dollar I mean real fucking adult life when you’re on your own
I’ve lost a lot of who I was in the past couple years
I work full time jobs just to pay rent and have a meal a day but no one can tell me shit and no one can take that away from me
My mental illness is still crippling and today is a bad day and I just need to vent shit out
I got what I wanted which was being able to do things on my own, but I’m still not fully happy
I have a relationship with someone who would do anything in the world for me other than when he’s frustrated and we’ve been through a lot and had to go through countless shit situations when things were inevitably stacked against us
I left an almost 5 year relationship bc I knew he could never love me bc I wasn’t really what he was looking for, but tbh I was saving him from me bc I can’t get out of my own head ever
No medication or doseage of medications can fix me, I am literally un-fixable
No amount of counseling can help me not want to end it almost every day just like it has been since 14
Not even finding my father could fill whatever hole I have in my heart that my mother left
The reality is from the beginning I was never wanted
Through every relationship I was never truly wanted and eventually everyone cheats on me in one way or another, not to say I was never in the wrong, but I only ever did out of hurt and pain bc someone who I thought I loved really loved the thought of a life with me but not really in reality
Everyone always gives up on me and I don’t blame them
I can’t afford to get my life together and try to have a career bc all the money is necessity to survive day to day life
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