Rose

hi I'm Rose this is a vent blog// //TW: csa, sh //she/her //ok to reblog //feel free to message me (im slow at replying tho) //DDLG,kink,nsfw,etc DNI

[traumasurvivors]

It isn’t fair to expect yourself to act as if your trauma didn’t happen. It did happen and it’s okay to be struggling.

[traumatisedrose]

I don't care what I have to take I will do anything to numb numb numb

[traumatisedrose]

it's getting bad again

[traumatisedrose]

i will never be able to have my own children because everytime i hold a child, i think of how someone did the same to me, looked at my sweet baby face, and decided to touch me and hurt me.

[traumatisedrose]

I think a lot about how when I opened up to someone about my family and how they treat me for one of the first times, he looked at me with so much pity and told me that he felt so sorry that I was scared of them. At the time I was so angry-- I'm not scared of them! They're my family!!

But even now. A foot falling a little too hard makes my whole body tense up. I flinch at every sigh. I feel tears prick my eyes the second it feels like they might get angry. To this day, I feel like a small defenseless child the second I realize they're angry.

And knowing I'm scared makes them even angrier.

[traumatisedrose]

I just want to be loved I don't want to be damaged goods anymore.

[traumatisedrose]

do yall ever have something rlly good happen that u wanna share with ppl and be excited about it with them but the reason it's good is bc u were very very sad before that so u cant rlly share that

[traumatisedrose]

Why do I pour myself into people who won't even spare a drop for me? Why do I give all my love to people who won't even give me a second thought?

[traumatisedrose]

I'm so unhappy with my life that when people ask me how it's going i tear up bc i dont want to tell them how bad stuff is but i also know everyone hates the super vague noncommittal "same old, same old" answer

[traumatisedrose]

I cant even fucking afford to die. my parents have zero savings, how could they afford a funeral? I cant even fucking escape these problems in death

[traumatisedrose]

also having SH thoughts again is so fucking frustrating bc i can't ask anyone for help without being labelled as attention seeking or worrying someone

[traumatisedrose]

I'm so tired of being mentally ill i want to cut out every part of me that is wrong and flawed

[traumatisedrose]

sometimes it rlly infuriates me that i had so many warning signs as a kid and nobody fucking cared because like. i did well in school, i was polite, i was quiet and helpful. they knew something was wrong but i still preformed as they wanted so who cares?

[traumatisedrose]

theres something deeply wrong with me

[prettyonthe1nside]

[traumatisedrose]

it fucking enrages me when people who KNOW i have a history of sexual assault continue to touch me (in non-sexual ways) after ive asked them to stop.

[traumatisedrose]

like. please be honest with me, am i overdramatic for refusing to be around the man who molested me as a child? im 21 now and i still refuse to be in the same building as him if i can help it. is that unreasonable? i cannot tell.