Itās been a while now since my last post. So, let me begin.
Iām not in a good situation now, and this blog should be anonymous I guess. No one knows who is the person writing these, and this situation will be better.
So, there is this guy, that I loves so much more than myself I will give up anything for him, he is my one and only lover, soulmate, bf... We went through a lot together, since our relationship is not accepted by our parents, it was a long journey but as long as we have each other, it doesnāt matters.
What happened yesterday was because of my mistakes, today I might not be able to meet him anymore, I never wanna hope this will happen. I wrote before, about how much I loves him, and I really mean it. This blog is my medium to express whatever Iām feeling for things that I canāt talk to someone about.
This year truly sucks for me. Most of the things didnāt went smoothly,and problems keep rolling in; problems with my lappie canāt turn on while Iām rushing for assignments and project dues, my life simply is filled with unfortunate events almost everyday.
And yesterday we went to the library together to study after lunch, then he showed me some videos, it made my heart races thatās why I was also laughing that time. Suddenly he had no mood to study, I really donāt know why, maybe itās because of something about the videos, Iām really stupid I know. Because of this, I realized that actually I didnāt really understands him, and Iām devastated by that thought. We came back to our own separate rooms.
Then I thought of telling him about something that happened between me and someone who was my friend and is his friend as well. And Iāll state here clearly about what actually happens:
āSo this guy is one of the friend of my bf, and I while I was jogging one day, he saw me (I saw him before while I was with my bf) and approached me, we talked, and then he wanted to walk me back, I told him that itās alright since he reached his hostel first and he can go back, but he told me that itās not fair to me, so he walked me back to my hostel, then I thought that this guy is a gentleman, that was one first impression on him. Then I added him on fb(previously he added me but I rejected), he accepted and texted me the next day asking whether Iām going for jogging or not, because that day I just went for a running event so I rejected and I told him maybe next time. So few days later when I wanted to go for jogging, I asked my bf (he is not the kind of person who likes to go for jogging) and that friend too, I thought it will be better if I go for jogging with my bf and his friend, but he rejected and he was angry Iām going with his friend.(I should have considered his feeling and cancel the plan, but I didnāt went for jogging for a long time, and I really wanted to jog that day, so I still went with his friend, this truly is my most idiotic decision) What happens next is out of my expectation, I went later after his friend (A), then A was doing some exercise alone while I just jog alone, then when I finished I went to do some exercises also. He came to me and asked to do together, so I was cool about it (he is just a friend), and then it became dark,(I felt that I should go back, but still he is not done and I donāt think itās good to ask to leave when he was still exercising, additionally I believed him as a friend), so I stayed. I did sit-up, while I was still sitting on the plank (which is used for sit-up) suddenly he wanted to carry me, I was so surprised and he became so close suddenly, I rejected but he didnāt cared, he insisted then carried me without my permission, I told him to put me down, and I think Iām really stupid, I canāt believe that I let him do that, and later he carried me 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th time, every single time i rejected him and told that I donāt like it when he asked, I told him Iām not comfortable like this, he was saying that it is part of his training so I didnāt say anything. He came so close with me he was holding my legs when I did sit-up and I became uncomfortable, but I thought maybe he is like this with his friends, and Iām only friend with him, thus I didnāt say anything about it. Then the last time when he carried me, he didnāt let go his arms after letting me down, I pushed his arms(I told him to take off his hands), but then he pulled me close to him and tried to kiss me (he said he wanna kiss me, I even rmb that), his lips touched my cheek and I pushed him away, he even asked āU didnāt like?ā, then I was seriously angry I told ānoā, he said āseriously?ā and told me that he thought I wanna kiss, then of course I answered seriously, I said I donāt want, and I wanna go back now, I donāt wanna see him anymore. I was totally surprised by his action, I was thinking what the hell is he thinking in his mind and I never expected that, I only know I trusted the wrong person, I didnāt talked to him on the way back, he was telling me sorry, but I didnāt answer, I only say ok but i didnāt say anything else, he was talking and saying āare you angry? I;m sorry. After this you will think that Iām not a good guy. And you will not go jogging with me anyomre... bla bla blaā (u think I give a shit) I asked him how can u think that I wanna kiss?, and guess what he told me, he said I didnāt kiss u, (he denied it right after he did, and I went speechless), then he apologized and told sorry repeatedly, so finally I said itās ok (deep inside Iām lying), he asked to forget everything and nothing happened earlier, (fine), and then I say ok, I pretended like everything was alright, and went back to my room, when actually I told myself that Iām stupid to trust any foreigners (most of them are thinking bad) and I will never ever contact this person anymore (if there is a first time, there will be 2nd time), the only person I can trust is my bf. I deleted my messages with him because I didnāt wanna contact him anymore and I will never go jogging with him, I will not treat him as my friend, he is not my friend anymore, maybe Iāll unfriend him also,ā
The same day after what happened, I went out with my bf, I didnāt tell him anything about it, I know that he will be angry seriously if I tell. And I never wanted him to feel that way. He is my everything and he matters a lot to me, so much more. I spent great time with my bf, and I nvr think about that I will tell him what happened, cuz that will ruined everything.
Yesterday finally I told him about it. Now after I think back, maybe he have no mood because he didnāt find the msg I sent to friend A on messenger, he thought that I deleted all the msg with someone else that I had texted also, I told my love that I had only deleted the msg with him because I didnāt wanna contact that person anymore, (actually this is when he didnāt trust me, and itās not his fault, itās because I made him questioned and think a lot). I told him that I have something to tell to him (about tht person), but because we are in the library, I didnāt know how to tell him and I know he will get mad when he knew about it, so I changed my mind and text him that I love him so much instead of telling him about it (actually sometimes itās better to keep quiet of the things that is unnecessary to tell someone, things which will make someone hurt, I always believed that if I had any problems or feeling bad or no mood, itās better to keep it to myself where nobody will have to feel sorrow or bad about what I went through and r feeling, my problems are not their problems and should not be their problems. But my bf became the only person I could talk about all those things.)
After I told him about it, he get mad as expected, he was telling many things about A and I got irritated. I know he was supposed to be the one to get mad at me but I became mad instead. I am so stupid why did I get mad on him. Thatās when it all happened. We fight, we hurt each other then get hurt by each other. Iām the kind of person that when I get upset, I become speechless, I feel like I couldnāt talk, I just felt really really pain inside, that kind of pain that I will feel only with love. Then I told let not talk for some time, because I know that whatever I say at this moment will not be the right thing i wanna say, because itās all influenced by emotions. I made him mad, he became even more upset and angry with that statement, we quarreled even more and then he made it like he will leave me.
He told that he will leave to somewhr I will nvr find him, as if he will put his life in danger. I became so worried, whenever he did something bad to himself, like taking stuff that will hurt himself, or doing stupid things that will injure himself, I will feel so scared, Iām scared if something bad happened to him, Iām scared that he get injured, if he get sick, or if I canāt see him anymore. U can never imagine how much bad I feel with the thought that after we graduated I might not be able to meet him anymore. Maybe there are social media that we can keep contact and video call, but it is definitely diff, how is it that I can never meet him, hold his hands, hug him or kiss him, eat tgt, or be right nxt to each other. It will never b the same.
I became so sad and felt so lost. I rented a car and went to somewhr myself. (he said he was going somewhr alone, i was stupid I thought I wanted to b alone also) i went out alone, without any destination, I wanted to go somewhr as far as I can, I need sometime alone to talk to myself. When I reached thr, I realized that I had to call him at least, I didnāt know whr he was, or how is he, so I called him and he answered at the 2nd call, I asked him whr is he then he told me tht he is in his room, then I said ok and hung up. After that I felt like I was so stupid I could asked him more aftr tht and why the heck did I only asked tht and hung up. Iām really stupid in so many ways. After that, I stayed thr for sometime only I started moving back.
Actually whenever I go out, I will go out only with my bf to somewhr, He become why I wanna go out, without him I have no destination. I couldnāt travel someone far alone...yet. But I couldnāt believe the reason behind this which made us like this. How could something like this made us this way. Itās not about what happened actually, but itās about how we react to it, and thatās the reason why. I felt so lost and felt like my life is so meaningless. I had a knife in my room but whenever I thought about it, I am scared that I might do something I will regret forever. When I was at home, my family especially my mum will take care of me if I got sick, but while Iām here, nobody can help, I can only lie on bed and suffer, even my bf canāt while he canāt enter my room. But mayb Iāll nt hv bf aftr this also. This had been the longest that I cried my entire life(Iām a crying baby I know, itās me), and the longest Ā that I wrote. and it made me realized that I could nvr live without him.
No matter what, I will always love u. <3
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