I was talking to a friend of mine who had to punish his submissive and he lamented, "I hate inflicting punishment, but it’s part of a Dominant’s responsibility. And sometimes, such as during punishment, that responsibility is just...*heavy*."
And as we talked, I explained that as much as I need comfort after punishment, sometimes I think my partners need it more than I do. I need his forgiveness. I need to know that things are okay between us and I’m still his, still loved, still safe.
The first time I realized it, many years ago, it was a huge lightbulb moment. My partner was quieter than usual and I was worried. Worried that, despite his earlier reassurance, all was not right between us once again. So, after a couple of hours of watching him brood about it, I screwed up my courage and knelt at his feet and gently asked him if there was something we needed to talk about.
He said something that rocked my world. He simply asked me, “Do you know how difficult that was for me?” And I sat back on my heels for a moment, because the answer that came to mind immediately was “No. I don’t.” I realized in that moment how selfish I’d been, thinking only about how *I* felt about being punished, and not about how difficult it had been for *him*, to watch me struggle and struggle and still fail and then have to follow through with the consequence we’d discussed. He loved me and wanted me to be healthy and happy and not only had I disappointed him and broken the rules, but he’d had to do the work of correcting me and putting me back on the path he set *again*.
That’s when I realized he needed my comfort, he needed to know I still loved him, that I appreciated the lengths that he went to - not only to monitor my behavior but to punish me - not because he was angry or disappointed, but because I needed it. I needed his structure and constant adherence to the rules I couldn’t seem to follow on my own. He had to do all of those things and I...I just had to accept it, take it. He had to do something to someone he loved that I expressly did not enjoy. He had to watch me sob my way through it. And he had to hold me when it was over and forgive me.
And realizing that, I crawled up in his lap and held him. I told him how amazing he was and how sorry I was - not for the thing I’d done to deserve the punishment; I’d already apologized for that - but I was ashamed it had taken me so long to see not just the immediate consequences of my behavior, but how much punishing me weighed on him. I told him “thank you”. I told him I loved him.
And I tried to remember, the next time, to make better choices, not just because I didn’t want to be punished. Not just because I didn’t want to disappoint him. I didn’t want him to have to punish me. I’m not perfect; of course I messed up eventually. But the lesson about taking care of him stayed with me for a long, long time.
Aftercare isn't just for submissives, or for after scenes. Dominants - if you need it, please tell your submissive. It doesn't make you weak or lessen your dominance in any way. Most submissives I know would would practically sell a kidney if that's what it took to comfort their Dominant in need of care.
Good Dominants are rare and precious things. We have to take care of the ones we love, just as much as they take care of us.
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