This is long over due, and people need to be told. So here is a quick list of the major points on How to Get Invited, How to Behave, and When It’s Time to Leave. This list is intended for professional use only, amateurs, and stupid motherfuckers should also study it, but are not invited just yet.
How to Get Invited:
I come from a time in which, afters is a privilege not a right. If you are being curated out of an equation, it’s probably for a good reason.
1. Ask politely, and be prepared to accept rejection. Never force yourself on a situation, you’re probably fucking up someone else’s epic night, and turning it into a tense, mediocre night for everyone else.
2. Make yourself presentable, and be ready to contribute. Afterhours is a combined effort and cannot be left to the resources of one person.
3. Make sure you hit an ATM, it’s a cash only world after 4am.
Congrats, you got an invite. Whether or not this is at someone’s private residence or at a club/bar/event space/dirty warehouse… the rules are pretty much the same except for a few subtle nuances.
How to Behave at the Afterparty:
1. Don’t come broke, this should apply for the beginning of the party night as well.
2. Don’t be a mooch consistently, bad times strike all, but a reputation for being a cheap or broke bastard spreads quickly.
3. Respect the Rule of the Ratio- This is a law not a theory. The RotR states: There must be an even or greater amount of females to males at an after party,* (see sexist side rant below) Otherwise, the vibe will be tense, and turn into a competition for dominance. Males are biologically competitive, and if you don’t see this, even among your friends, you will be disappointed that you came with 3 dudes. This delicate balance can be felt even if the male ratio is over by one. If there are too many females, the party might be a little boring for a girl on the prowl, but trust me, you’ll enjoy it more than the sausage fest.
4. It’s a Sketchy, Sketchy, Sketchy, Sketchy World! Ladies and Gentlemen, especially ladies: expect sketchiness. I don’t mean accept sketch, I’m saying expect. If someone steps out of line, check them, and make sure you are in numbers, always safety in numbers, but don’t let some thirsty bastard ruin your night because they got no game.
5. Don’t be an asshole to people hosting the party. Whether at a residence or a venue, they are trying to extend your night and make it more amazing (host also extends to the person that brought you). You should try to host and cater to them as much as possible. If it’s a house party, bring party favors and drinks, if it’s a venue, be prepared to pay a cover! The venues have overheads, such as DJ’s, rent, security, etc.
6. People like conversation, not people kickin game. If your sole goal is to get laid, your place is at a brothel, not an after party, don’t get the two confused.
7. Know who is in charge. If shit goes down, this person will need to handle it. Under no circumstance do you blame everyone involved for a mishap. If someone spills a drink on your mink, you should think before you make a stink. Don’t blame everyone that tried to make a good party for you and everyone else. Organizing an after hours is more challenging than a regular party, be realistic and sympathetic.
8. Fucking dance and have a good time. If you aren’t living it up, please proceed to the next section of this post.
It’s Time For You To Leave:
-Are you having the spins? Go home.
-Are you falling asleep? Go home.
-Are you bored? Go home.
-Are you too horny to be polite? Go home, masturbate.
-Are you out of money? Go home.
-Does the sunlight irritate you? Go home vampire. (not a bad thing)
-Out of supplies, and not able to acquire more? Go home.
-Have mutually consensual sex lined up? Go home NOW!
Are you getting sloppy? Go home, and make sure it is with your ride or die clique that drops you off safely and puts you to bed.
And fellas, if you’re a real mack, you shouldn’t have to go to afterhours at all, your prowess will do the talking. Afterhours is for friends, not your last ditch effort to get your dick sucked, or take home some drunk person to take advantage of. You aren’t a man in my eyes if that’s your magic hour.
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