SKYFALL . @tricange - Tumblr Blog

to whom you bloom, young flower ? mayhaps it’s for yourself and not for any other.

another year! it’s oddly nostalgic that i come back to this blog for a SECOND time, even though it’s just another archive. anyway.

hi, me. i was going to turn 20 in 2 days when you wrote this. this time, it’s a change of pace -- i’m not writing for the past me, but for the future me reading this. how are you, me? are you doing okay? i think i’m doing okay, and i hope i’m gonna keep doing so in the following future.

we actually have a boyfriend now! new achievement unlocked, lmao, who would have thought? and at this point, i’m actually happy (save for the fucking pandemic going outside and our birthday being on voting day and probably every fucking thing else lol) with what i have now. he’s actually a decent person! i think at this point i’ve already even forgotten what’s her url but eh... it’s what it is. i don’t really care. i hope you won’t either, future me.

this morning, i dreamed of seeing her again amicably. we were going camping and she was somehow visiting and going to the same campsite where i was? it was kinda weird. i guess it couldn’t be helped when it was halloween ... four years since the day we didn’t die. odd, right? what’s even more surprising is that i wake up with no kind of negative feeling. it wasn’t a feeling of emptiness either. i suppose it took us long enough to move on.

i’m fighting to get out of my shitty situation at the moment. i hope that by the time you read this, we’ve already found a way out. it’s tough work, but it’s definitely something we can strive for. we’re doing our best, no? next year, you’d be able to drink! it’s a shame that i couldn’t tbh... i’d like some bailey’s right about now. or at any point. who can say no to bailey’s???

i’m gonna keep it short and sweet because i don’t have much to say. fight your best, future me. we have a lot to do our best for in spite of everything, and i hope that october will be lighter on your shoulders by then. it’s certainly lightened up for me. we didn’t die, future me. that’s an achievement isn’t it?

that being said, i’m about to go back to play some games with him now, so i’d have to go. future me... happy halloween and happy birthday. know that i love you more than anybody else will. hopefully you’ll come back to read this again next year!

----- rena, signing off (nov 1st, 2020).

#✦･ﾟ: * › ooc \ bad decisions for life choices .#:'))#personal /#negative /#long post /#slightly long. slightly.#it's not as long as last year i think #rest well

ah.... here i am, two years into the future, tripping over the login of this blog by pure accident and nothing else. i suppose a lot has happened. the url associated to this is now a legacy, but at the same time, a scar to my old past. now, i write this knowing nobody would read it, yet i guess that deep down i still desire the closure that i know i deserve.

hello, me. how are you?

maybe saying that i’m fine will be a meaningless statement. after all, i’m not. i’m almost 19, and i’m not alright. i wish i am though. i hope that i didn’t disappoint you, my 16-year-old self. sometimes i still look at the ceiling and wonder what you would do if you see yourself now, years into the future, still aimlessly pursuing the means of life. still watching people come and go. so how are you, my past self, when you were desperate for an anchor in the form of somebody by your side? perhaps you won’t be proud. or maybe you will? because the fact that i exist means you will survive. maybe when time flies, i will look back at this again and wonder about the naivety of 18. maybe. or maybe i won’t. only time will tell.

at 16, you loved a girl. at 18, sometimes i still think about her. perhaps at 20 i will forget, but people say you don’t just forget your first love. even less so when it was bitter. 16-year-old me, know that you will still remember her in the future, because love is a strange thing even though she hurt you and i badly. but know, that the hurt won’t last. it doesn’t hurt as much anymore to think about, really, other than the wishful thinking that things could have gone differently. how is she? is she doing fine? even though you’ve hurt and you’ve lost, you still pray everything goes well for her. friends will tell you you’re too kind, and you will refute otherwise. i still disagree with them every time they say that, but only with a passing smile and a different question to divert the topic.

at 18, you will still hate yourself. i know that you’ve put a lot of hope in changing that and everything fucked up about yourself through help, but that won’t change for a long time. at least, not for the time being--- you and i have been hurt so much, it’s hard to remember what it means to love oneself. even then, there is hope: you will love others. not in the way that you loved the girl, but in the all-encompassing way you love everything else but you. and it does relieve the ache. imperfect, yes, but it will hurt less as it goes. so i ask that you hold on, for both you and i and the other future self that we have yet to know about.

more importantly, at 18, you will still love everything that you loved before. your sister is ten now, growing and flourishing into an intelligent and beautiful girl. your ‘muse’ is still there, going strong in spite of all the rules people tried to put on you. and some of your friends stayed by your side. that’s more important than anything, little me. you’ll still love the stories you write, and you will still aspire for something greater. little though that may be, it means you’re alive. and hopefully, as my future self looks upon this, will believe that she is living as well.

my dear girl, my past self--- you’ll still hurt. even now, i still break down in the middle of the night praying for everything to be better. things don’t get easy, my love. oftentimes i want to hug you, future to the past, and tell you everything will be alright. you will try, and you will succeed, but it won’t be easy. you just have to do it, that’s all. it’s a lifelong lesson, just like how i will say the same to my future self a year, five years, ten years from now.

originally i planned to delete this blog to bury the past, but now i think i shouldn’t. instead, i will leave this here, a fragment of my past to remind me that i have been through many things, and i will be through many more just as you will. and if there be a third person who comes across this, so let it be known--- that you and i have been hurt and we’ll be continuously so, but the resolution of a hardheaded fool is one of the hardest things to change. let it be known that though i’m an aged soul in the body of a teenage girl that i am strong, and not even heartbreak will make me relent.

----- rena, signing off (october 9th, 2019).

#long post /#whew #✦･ﾟ: * › ooc \ bad decisions for life choices .#i'm keeping this url though #find me over at my new blog @ae/nar/chy!#negative /#i guess so

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