Simple Hearted @trimurtitrilogy - Tumblr Blog

GF ?

Well were at it again ... Only this time it feels right . Freshman year I was a child & afraid for anyone to look at me differently . This year ? I'm openly talking & flirting with her . Kissing her & holding hands . Were always together & I feel like I'm floating on a cloud when I'm with her . When people say , do y'all talk ? I just smirk & say yeah . Like she makes me so happy , even though we've only talked for a week . Her best guy friend feels like he's my best friend too & he actually said out of every girl she's talked to , he likes me the most & feels like I'm the one she needs to talk to . & honestly so do I . She's the sweetest & really worried about my feelings. She makes me feel perfect & beautiful . I can talk to her & never get bored because we talk about anything . Usually by now I'll be really "sprung" & be in one sided love . But with her , I feel like were both really feeling each other . I'm just feeling nonstop euphoria & I couldn't be happier .

Well ..

I'm kind of numb now . I've had my heart stomped on twice since we've been out of school . & it hasn't even been a week yet. But I brought it on myself. I look for love in the worst places . I feel like if someone can make me feel free , & happy, & loved at any point in time. They can anytime. So I hold on to people that treat me horribly & use me.. Waiting on that one moment of bliss. Which is so stupid. & should know this . These 2 guys have done nothing but make me cry & depressed on so many occasions. But I keep thinking they'll change . I was used until I had nothing more to give. & left to pick up the pieces of my pride. I'm academically smart ... But life smart ? I'm lacking so much. & there's no one I can tell because they'll judge & the people I trust would hate me for what I've done. I compromised my self worth so much for this one guy.. I begged for him to take me back.. & I knew he was talking to other girls the whole time ... This year I hit an all time low... I was pathetic . & I did it to myself. I knew what was happening . I just hoped he wouldn't leave ... But he did. & he had no compassion about it. Instead of caring about how he used me... He blamed it all on me. & made me look like a disgusting person. I'm at the end of my rope. I can't take one more person leaving me to die. I can't take all of these thoughts in my head I can't take trusting someone to use me.. I can't be with anyone. I'm emotionally incapable. I'm nothing. I'll never be happy.. I don't deserve it. I'm pathetic. I have no more confidence. I can't even smile at myself in the mirror without wanting to cry anymore. This has hit me harder than anything. But no one cares. No one notices my pleas for help.. For someone to listen. But they'll all listen when I'm at the end . Everyone Will pretend they were always there for me & they cared about me sooooo much . They'll miss me. They "love" me, whatever that is. But when I just needed someone to vent to ? Everyone was oblivious . Sounds about right . I'm at my wits end .. I'm done .

Sadity

I'm so snooty it's ridiculous . I don't even try to hide it. I find happiness in people thinking my family has money . We do .. To an extent . Like my mama & daddy's clothes are pretty much on the cheap side , but they buy me $100 worth of clothes all the time .. $200 uggs, $100 north face , $70 London fog purse .. Just honestly anything my little heart desires . Anything to make me happy . They keep me up constantly . Even if they don't look like anything . But I find happiness in people asking how much something I have costs & saying a lot .. I feel like it gives me power over people . Like whatever I lack in physical appearances & personality I make up for with lavish hair, pretty teeth, & expensive clothes . & I look down on some people for not being more like me. Hoby taught me that everyone is different & you never know how something you're doing is affecting someone . Which is why this summer I vow to better myself .. Stop judging , & actually making myself a better healthier person .. I can't get by with material things forever . But to start , any Bridges I've burned , I have to let stay that way .. I can't keep running back to People when I feel alone .. They left for a reason .

Homesick

I hate this whole experience . I hate everyone here .. I'm the worst at making friends or being friendly in general . & I miss my parents more than Anything on this earth . I really just wanna go home . & we don't leave until Sunday .

lucky or blessed ?

Soooo , My family & I went to Shreveport today for my nieces birthday party and also to go shopping for my Hoby thing ..

We went to Jcp to look for some kind of church attire for the sunday & I found this cardigan & pants thing & I asked this girl in there some questions about it & she was really nice & trying to help me .. so I went in the dressing room, the dress fit & we left .. well about 3 hours later , We stopped for food & I decided I wanted some Orange Leaf. I went for my wallet & I couldn't find it .. We went to JCP & Honestly , it had been some hours & I assumed it was long gone .. As soon as we walked in the girl started walking towards me asking if I had lost my wallet & that she had turned it in to the front desk . The lady took me to where they had it & gave it to me perfectly intact ... All I can say is thank god for the girl working in there.. She was nice enough to turn it in & she knew it belonged to me.... I'm not sure if it was luck or God ... Im not a very holy person ... But this made me think twice.

New hair = Happier ME.

I didn't get into wearing weave/extensions until the beginning of my sophomore year..

Well let me rephrase that ... wearing GOOD weave . I was one of the many wearing beauty supply store hair .. Not knowing the difference between the inevitable choices of okay and horrible. Thinking that 20 dollars was expensive for one pack of hair.. Lawd was I Naïve freshman year... But I'll tell you I rocked the hell out of that hair.. Yasssss.

Anywho.. Sophomore year my sister, the ultimate diva herself, hooked me up with some virgin Malaysian hair ... Now ya'll.. I didn't know the difference between Malaysian and African hair .. haha . But I know my sister's hair is always slayed and the most expensive gorgeous hair I've seen. & she always pays for it herself .. she basically told me she was going to make me over from head to toe . So I was so freaking excited to get it installed .. Once I got it put in I was ready to start styling & making my hair look like hers. But she had sooooo many rules for the hair . That is where this is going ..

Now don't get me wrong , her rules weren't outrageous... But I wanted some hair I could do what I wanted to . Which is why when my brother came home , I asked him would he buy me some hair.. After a long extensive search for affordable amazing hair I found some... & I am now waiting on MY virgin Brazilian Body Wave Hair from Hassadity hair . I wish I could get it installed before spring break is over but it more than likely won't be here until next week bc I ordered it Monday night . Anyways, this hair is like the last piece of the puzzle of 10th grade . My junior year will be all about driving alone, make up, being social, finally finding myself, & if my mindstate allows it ... good grades first and possibly a boyfriend (:

Boys or naw

I swear the older you get the more you realize things . I see that I want to be a pescetarian & like a conspiracy theorist .. I want to be really into the government & a history teacher . But I swear my infatuation with the opposite sex puts every aspiration on the back burner . Guys are like the people that can make or break my day . & even though I'm sure there are some that really like me for me , I swear I only talk to the shady cats . Half of em only want one thing & the other half are annoying as crap . There's no one I'm like deeply into at the moment & I'd drop every one of them without batting an eyelash . But I won't . I'm trying to slowly leave them alone & it's easy because I really want to become a better me & I can only do this if I take an everyone but me hiatus . I'm going to get into meditating & eating better .. & ending my sophomore year off with a bang .. I can do it . But I need to have some sort of motivation other than I want to wow people my junior year being a fit , long hair star with perfect white teeth , flawless skin & clothes to die for . My junior year will be MY year ... I promise .

Meeting people..

Soo, I've been friends with this guy for almost a year now , & I've never seen him in person. He lives in Bearden which is like 10 min away.. & he's literally been in love with me since day one . But I of course don't like people who're seriously in to me.. But I still talked to him everyday . He's been saying how he really wants to see me since the beginning, but I'm so self conscious, I thought he wouldn't like me if he met me in person . So anyways, today I went to Walmart , & I thought I saw him., I contemplated not speaking, but I realized it's been long enough & I might as well. So I walked up to him & tapped him & said hi when he turned around.. I swear he looked so shocked . He was like he couldn't believe it . & after he got himself together, he told me I was so freaking cute & gave me a hug. Which made my day.. & he's so freaking fine . I'm a sucker for guys with perfect teeth & that are darker & taller than I am . & that's him . To say I've been shrugging him off I really want him now . I'm so difficult. I'm contemplating leaving every guy alone & focusing on him . I'm not a huge fan of meeting people.. But things are changing . 😏😍

the crazy thing about love..

My grades ended up getting my phone taken away the 10th of Feb..

It still isn't back today..

But I assume that a lot of people have been attempting to talk to me an it seems at the time like I'm ignoring them.

This guy G that I've had feelings for since 8th grade is like a really close friend of mine.. We've talked off and on and hes always managed to hurt my feelings in one way or another.

but no matter what he says I get over it & want him again. I attempted to date him at the beginning of the month.. Needless to say it failed horribly.. & ended in him telling me to not tell people we went out.. & I was pretty heartbroken. even though people tell me not to mess with him anyways.

anyways. after that.. I stopped talking to him all together.. like I completely ignored him. which is hard because hes a class clown. Haha.

He started trying to find reasons to talk to me at the end of last week & I assumed that he was probably kiking me & assuming I was ignoring him.. because I talk to him at school & won't talk to him at home .

So he finally like told me he had something to tell me today.. & it turns out that he wants me back... & those are his exact words.. he walked me to class being so shy and cute.. saying hes not as outspoken about things like that as I am.. because I tell it like it is about my feelings . I love how he is when we're alone.. he's like perfect . & if hes going to stay like he is.. maybe itll work out.

the crazy thing about it all is one of my teachers whos like a friend to me was actually telling me maybe to get my mind off of not having my phone I needed to talk to a guy.. & look a there... the one I wanted came back the same day.

Growing up.. I think.

It amazes me how the same people telling you to change your ways want you to stay the same but only for them.. I’ve come to the conclusion that either I’ve gotten wiser this year or I’m becoming a social outcast. I can’t laugh with people anymore.. I overthink everything & people can’t pressure me to do things anymore.. I mind my business & spend all of my time alone or asleep. I don’t see the point in relationships anymore.. Nor do I see the point in “talking”.. I don’t easily fall for people anymore.. I just feel like high school is more than relationships. I am a firm believer than high school is where you find yourself. Determine what kind of person you’ll end up being in life. I plan on being self sufficient.. & independent. I don’t want friends nor do I have a social life. I have maybe 3 friends at this point in my life.. & everyone else I talk to because I’m not hateful enough to ignore them. I don’t plan on falling in love or getting married.. I don’t want kids.. I just want me. Because I don’t have any feelings towards anyone anymore. Here I am 16 years old & all I want is to be skinny & smart. starting today I’m going to exercise daily & get myself where I’m trying to be.. Maybe then I can begin to get back to the old me. If this is what growing up is like… I can live without.

My best friend..

Here it is 212 in the morning & I can’t sleep because my best friend is heavy on my mind. This guy has been here for me for 3 years now… & it’s not looking like he’s leaving me anytime soon. We’re complete opposites.. & we have been since we met. I’m light skinned & he’s dark skinned.. Were about the same height, he’s just a little taller, I’m in 10th & well he was in 11th but he has his GED now. That’s not an option for me. He had so many dreams & aspirations when we met.. To be a football star & a rapper. Haha. But once he got to high school he changed.. He started getting into the streets heavily & less out of school. He’s a hood kinda guy & I’m the whitest black person you’ll meet. Haha. We have been through literally EVERYTHING together. But we fought through it. He knows every little thing about me.. & he also just so happens to be my first love. & my first everything else, kiss, & time. But none of that changed anything.. I’m so happy that I chose the right person. I wouldn’t say were still in love but the feelings linger.. I talk to him everyday & I worry about him constantly. He does some things I’ll never dream of & he’s been sent off.. The worst summer I’ve ever had. He means the absolute world to me & my first true friend. He tells me like it is & he’s a cry baby.. Haha. I’m forever crying over him & to him.. I’ve done him wrong on so many occasions.. But it’s getting better. Luckily he doesn’t hold grudges for long. & I can’t stay mad at him for more than a day. I can literally talk about him all day & think about our memories & never get tired of it. He’s the only person that really makes my day. He’s a jealous little booger.. But he knows he’ll always mean more to me than any guy I’ll meet. I make him mad everyday.. But it’s always purposefully.. I just wanna know he still cares. Even though he’s the way he is, he refuses to let me go down the wrong path. He’s always looking out for me & making sure I keep myself up. I’ve been talking about him for 13 minutes now.. Lmao. Anyways, lately he’s been in more stuff than usual & it worries me. I know if he needs anything he knows to call me. But I worry if I don’t talk to him. Lord knows if I lost him I’d never be the same. I know the day will come when we have to part ways.. & I’m struggling knowing that day is only getting closer. But something tells me we may be apart but well always be together. (I’m crying writing this.. Haha) I’ll never forget my first real friend.. & the best one I ever had.. I love you so much Folk. You’re everything to me. Stay safe.. & I miss you Baby.

Tears..

I know I waste more than I should..

So far tonight I've cried 4 times...

once reading a sad story about a cat. which in turn made me want to adopt a shelter pet.

Once reading about Prisoners of War..

Once thinking about how my fathers life was spared in the Beirut bombings..

& lastly singing the Don't worry be happy song.

I don't know why I choose to sing the song when I'm sad.. But it makes me smile & cry happy tears.

Even If no one else gets anything out of the song... I do.

I'm literally a huggeeee cry baby.. But that's fine. I can express my feelings like no one else.

Random

I like chilling with people.. It just feels like for awhile I'm the only person they're worried about. Spending time alone with them.. & laughing together.. Makes it 10x more worth it. You always have the best memories from it & you see the person a different way if it's the first time y'all have. I honestly don't see the downside of it.. Other than parents wanting to know everything & them not trusting you.

New Boo

Yeah, by the title you know.. Haha. He's a sweetheart tho. Tall, athletic, a senior, Brownskinned, adorable, & he makes me literally laugh when we text. He goes to my school & everyone calls him Texas. Our convos are strange but entertaining nonetheless. He lives right next to me.. Which is always a plus. & he just idk.. I like him. I've literally had a crush on him since the first day I saw him freshman year. It was 7th period in Rotc & they opened the door to the 2nd gym & there he was. I of course was too shy to talk to him.. Who would've thought he'd approach me the next year? He basically told me on Monday that he didn't want us to catch any feelings because he was leaving soon & he planned on going to college out of state.. He didn't want me to be hurt once he left. That made me cry.. Not because I really wanted to talk to him. But because he cared enough to not try & lead me on.. He even went on to tell me any guy would be lucky to have me.. & he wished that he could. Y'all when I tell you I was bawling! Haha. He still wanted to be friends & we've been just as cool since. I'm going to chill with him tomorrow.. & even though we don't talk I still plan on curling my hair & making sure everything is to the T.. I know we can't .. But a little part of me wants him to fall for me. I'm not sure what will happen once he leaves for good.. Other than me crying my eyes out for days.. I still want to try. I'll never know what could've been.. & he's too perfect for me ... I'll never let myself live it down.

You...

I just wanna be loved. By you... In all of it's entirety. I want to wake up to adorable good morning texts, random texts to let me know I'm on your mind & you love me, I want to know that no matter who you're with or talking to.. I'm the one who matters most. If I had even the slightest feeling I could have that I would drop everyone. No games or lies... I would be so faithful. You know me better than anyone.. You know how I am when I get really stuck on someone. The feelings I have for you are 3 years strong... You were my first love, my first kiss, my first time... My everything. & you've never left my side. I know if we ever end up together I would be the girlfriend you've always wanted.. & I wouldn't want you to change a bit. I fell in love with the person you are, not who I want you to be. You may feel like I put you last, but it's not purposefully... Know that I always put you first. Many guys have felt jealous of our friendship.. They always knew my feelings were deeper than I pretended they were. You remember the day I came over your house & we just laid on the floor & laughed about everything together? I want that everyday.. I know I seem to pour my heart out to you all the time now.. Yeah I'm a cry baby.. I just hope that one of these days it'll really stick.. & I'll get more than a simple "I love you" back.. But no rush... If it's meant to happen... It will. 💛

Christmas..

Everyone thinks a lot at night.

Especially me.

I think about getting married.. about who my next boyfriend will be.. what kind of person I'll be when I'm grown.. I'm always looking for ways to improve myself but sometimes I wonder if its necessary..

I feel like every year when you get older there will b one thing about you that will change by the time your next birthday comes.. I have yet to prove that but I feel like I've grown out of that being really lazy thing.. I finally realized what motivates me the most... being depended on.

I wonder do I make people proud? Like I'm always trying to find a way to do something not because I'm proud of myself for the good job.. but to make someone else proud of me. I just wonder what will I do when there's no one to tell..

I don't plan on having any kids.. Like It might be nice.. But I don't aspire to be the married with a child type of person. I'd rather become a teacher & make kids better... I know the few teachers that really cared about me are people I will forever revere and always make sure I see periodically. Having a good teacher will motivate a kid more than anyone realizes.

For Christmas.. I received a Chi straightener, a blow dryer, and a soda stream from my parents... I expected NONE of that... and as my parents asked me was I happy, I smiled & said yes.. But I really wasn't. Not because I wanted more, or because I didn't want what I had... I just wasn't happy.

My Brother got deployed this month... and Him being here for Christmas was my only wish.. *Oh geez, I'm crying typing this*.... Anyways, growing up I didn't really have any siblings besides my sister around. I knew of them but they weren't apart of my day to day life. In about the 7th grade he started coming around every year... staying for the weekend. I had a real brother.. & even though we argued about ANYTHING... I would do anything for him. We developed a really close bond. He was like my twin. Then... He left. I'll only talk to him though text now.. He calls.. I just don't want to talk. I don't want him to hear me choke up in a sentence... he means absolutely the WORLD to me. I miss him SO much..

My grandmother passed away when I was in the 7th grade... The day after Easter.. She basically raised me.. EVERY Christmas we would spend the night with her.. & we'd wake up and shed take us to our house and wed open presents. It was a tradition.. Christmas of 8t grade was a good one but Its like I didn't know what to do.. I woke up and actually waited on her for awhile... After I realized what I was doing... all I could do was cry. She was my rock.. and she was always there for me. Seeing her picture automatically makes me cry.. but I think of her all the time.. It seems as if everything reminds me of her. I miss her more than anyone.

As I said before..

Late at night everyone begins to think of everything...

Especially me.

every year..

Every year around Thanksgiving I feel stupid because I spend all of my birthday money right before the black Friday sales and could have gotten twice the stuff for less..

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