This is going to be my first ājournal entryā during this quarantine shit. Iām going to try to write something everything to understand how Iām feeling and slow my mind down. We are like 3 weeks In to quarantine, and just found out the isolation has been extended for over another month, 4/30/20. I suspect it will be extended even further, but we will see. (This is for you if you are bored or feeling alone like I am)
Iām not having a great day today. I was up until about 4am last night because I couldnāt sleep. I ended up taking 3 Benadryl to pass me out.
Not really sure why I was having trouble, could be the fact Iāve been sober for like 3 or 4 days and my body isnāt used to that, or the fact that Katie(my girlfriend) and I have been weird. I feel very distant and donāt have A positive outlook on us right now. I feel she isnāt taking the time to reach out or talk to me, and in turn I feel super lonely. And Iām probably over thinking that, but itās hard. I miss her like crazy. I havenāt seen her for a week today and thatās really hard for me. We were quarantined together and things got bad, she told be that I need to learn to do things on my own. That was a harsh thing for me to hear and triggered the absolute fuck out of me. And I know it was all miscommunication and we were at each otherās throats from being together constantly, but it raises red flags. Iām worried that we arenāt going to make it, maybe we arenāt as okay as Iāve thought for these past 6 months weāve been together.
But then again I know my mind wanders, and I literally have nothing to do but think right now. Iām lonely and Katie doesnāt help with that. She called me today and the phone called ended in her basically hanging up on me. She told me to have fun laying in bed. Itās not like Iām laying here not talking to her because Iām okay. But I have to understand her side and how she may be feeling with me being distant. I do love her, obviously
So now Iāve been laying in this bed for god knows how long. I woke up around 12:30, because my grandma came to my house and wanted me to go with her to find a kitty crate for Toobs cat. We could t find a kitty one, so we got a light blue puppy one. Should work the same, not sure why it wouldnāt.
But anyways Iām back here, we were probably at rural king for like 25 min looking for the damn thing, and I saw a person I went to school with there. I swear xenia eventually will turn anyone hillbilly. Glad I fuckin left... then grandma wanted me to take the window out of her door and replace it with a screen. Sheās so worried the lawn mower guy will accidentally break it again, so of course Iāll do it for her if it puts her mind at ease. But other than that, Iāve been laying here, eyes sometimes closed, somethingās watching YouTube or rotting my brain away with tik tok.
Itās 4:45 now. I know I need to get up and do something. Could go on a walk, could run, could play a video game, could eat... lots of options but not of them sound like something I wanna put effort into doing. Depression is a fickle bitch.
Guess Iām done writing for now.
