I’ve been seeing more and more people get on the chronically ill Troy train, specifically chronically ill with POTS, and as someone with POTS I just wanted to talk about it for a sec because I think it would be really interesting with a Troy’s character
Throughout the book, we see Troy struggle with self esteem and self image. He was in a secret relationship for two years that ended with him finding out he was being cheated on, he was dealing with finding out his best friend was a rapist, his whole life was torn up when he was traded, you get it. When he first arrived in Ottawa he struggled to see himself fit in, and all he wanted was to get out. He hates being on a losing team, but part of that is because the last bit of self respect and self image he has is his body and his hockey, and now that’s falling apart too. He’s playing like shit, and being on a shitty team isn’t helping. As his relationship with Harris grows and he finds his footing with online activism, his teammates, and comes out, he obviously finds his confidence again and learns to love his life again, but at the base of it is still his hockey and how he plays.
If Troy were to develop POTS, it would most likely be after something like COVID, since he’s past the age POTS would typically present otherwise. I imagine this all happens around his 2nd or 3rd year in Ottawa, so 26 or 27. Troy would hate getting sick in general, because again it means he can’t play hockey and he still inherently ties a good amount of his self worth to his ability to play hockey. I imagine this is his first time catching COVID, and he didn’t even realize he had it because it wasn’t that bad, he wasn’t having a ton of trouble breathing or spiking a high fever. It was mainly some nausea and head pain. He quarantined (he refused to let Harris near him because of his heart), got cleared by the doctors and was back to hockey in just over a week. No big deal.
Except a few weeks go by and Troy still doesn’t feel 100%. He’s having a harder time concentrating, his head always sorta feeling like it’s full of cotton. He’s always feeling a little nauseous, his vision swims and goes black when he stands up and, when he goes back to the trainer about this, his heartrate is much higher than it should be. Obviously being a professional athlete, Troy would have a low resting heartrate, but when he stands up while still attached to the monitor his heart rate spikes through the roof. The trainer is concerned by this and orders some 24 hours test, and Troy is freaking out, because does this mean he’s out of shape? Did a week off seriously hinder him this much? There’s no history of any heart issues in his family, and he’s so worried when he talks to Harris about this. Harris does his best to reassure him and remind him not to freak out until they get the tests back. They do tests like a 24 hour holter monitor, and the results show abnormal spikes when Troy transitions to standing upright, and his heart rate is higher than it used to be when he’s skating around. When Troy asks what’s causing this, he gets mixed answers, but a main thing that comes back is ‘anxiety, body still fighting lingering infection, it’ll past’. Obviously Troy clings on to the anxiety, because yes he’s an anxious person but he never lets it affect his playing. He tries to let it go, but things get worse. There’s times he has to sit back down after standing up because he feels like he’ll pass out, he feels winded doing exercise that was barely cardio for him before, and he just feels so damn out of it. One night he wakes up with stabbing pains in his chest and feels his heart skipping beats. Harris rushes him to the ER, because for him those are seriously signs. When they get there though, nothing shows up on the scans. EKG and bloodwork are clean, and again it’s only the heartrate. Doctors dismiss it as a panic attack and send Troy home close to tears. This goes on for months, and his hockey is only getting worse and worse. He feels like he’s going insane
After months of bouncing around doctors, he finally sees one who gives him the diagnosis. At first Troy feels validated, because finally he’s being heard, but then he hears it’s chronic and there’s no cure and very few ways to manage it, and he spirals all over again. What if he can’t get back to where he was in hockey? What if he can’t ever play again? What does this mean for who he is? He’s finally build a career and image he’s proud of, he has the best boyfriend and dog and team that treats eachother like family, what if this causes him to lose it all? After all, Harris first had a crush on him because he was a really hot hockey player, what does he have left if not the hockey part? His body won’t stay the same if he can’t play after all. He would keep spiraling like this and feel like his world is crumbling and he’ll lose it all again because his body is failing him and there’s nothing he can do
I also think he would have a really hard time discussing his struggles with Harris, because even if both of their conditions are chronic, they’re chronic in really different ways. Harris has a heart defect, so he lives with it chronically, but if there’s an issue with it it’s acute, it’s something fixed with surgery or some medication. For Troy and his POTS, his pain and symptoms are always chronic and can’t be treated with medication. Beta blockers can help, but doctors fucking hate giving those to anyone under 40 in my experience. Usually you’re told to have a better mindset and drink more water, advice that does nothing if you don’t have a dedicated plan in place. For Troy he can be passing out and crying in pain and doctors will dismiss it because it’s chronic, so some Advil and well wishes are all that’ll work. Troy both feels like he and Harris can’t relate in the same way, but also that Harris’ is way more serious because it can be life threatening, so then he feels like an asshole for even thinking that, and it just causes Troy to isolate and spiral on his own
Of course eventually Harris notices Troy pull away and gets him to talk about everything. He’s always so supportive, helping Troy fight doctors for medication and there every step of the way as Troy fights to make his way back to play at the level he did before. He’s there with Troy during the flare ups and with him when he gets in his head about him, but despite what Troy worries about, he never stops loving Troy and never leaves his side, because Troy is in fact worth more than what his body can do. I like to think Troy is able to get close to the level he was at before, not 100% there but pretty damn close, and he becomes a big advocate of people with chronic illnesses and disability rights
POTS is such a tricky condition because it’s becoming more and more common, yet so many doctors still don’t believe it exists and refuse to test or treat it. This is mainly cause POTS disproportionately affects women, but yk. Obviously a professional athlete who was healthy before and suddenly can’t perform at the same level would be seen by the best doctors available, but that doesn’t make them exempt from medical gaslighting. POTS sucks so much and I don’t wish it on anyone, but for the sake on conversation I think Troy having it would be really interesting
Thanks for coming to my ted talk about the nuance of chronic illness and sports
-Sincerely, a girl with POTS who still mourns the sport she had to stop because her POTS made it too dangerous to play
