Loss of Hope
Sometimes loss of hope can be a good thing. The agony of the let down is so devastating that part of me feels like hope can be counterproductive. We live in a world with so much information yet so little answers. There seems to be more despair in the world than ever. From a singular perspective, being forced to confront my own addiction problems and trying to repair my life has been virtually impossible. I canât figure out what I want from life. The subconscious mental perspectives that seem to propel my conscious thinking are highly warped - yet I donât know how to escape them. I donât think there is any light at the end of the tunnel. I find myself drowning in my outer and inner circumstances. I lack the capacity to be an adult. I feel like a boy. Sometimes I feel as though I even look like one. Nothing fulfills me outside of the chase of something I do not have. I struggle and struggle continuously. It never seems to end. People only investigate your life after you die. They only try to figure you out after the worst happens. And at that point, of course, it doesnât even matter to the afflicted - bc they are dead. And no one can bring them back. Iâm dying for a therapist to help me develop some semblance of peace. Some basis of self-worthiness. A hope for independence and a way to find joy in life. I donât have that. I lack seemingly all the tools to live life as it is currently constructed. All I can think of is what I had and what I lost.
