{{ ☙ — conflicted. }}

[trvedawn]

frankiegonzales:

     ❝ apparently. ❞ he repeats it back, tone flat and devoid of emotion. he looks away, down the street to his rusty blue pickup. he could just walk away, climb on in that truck he has had since he was nineteen and drive home. and yet- his feet remain where they are. what is he doing ? what are they doing ? he doesn’t know, he never knows. he runs a hand down his face, scratches the facial hair on his and lets his hands drop. he rolls his eyes at the mention of not dying though his hand goes to the shoulder that had the injury. he rubs it a second or two before letting his hand fall. it’s not the first time he has been shot and it surely won’t be the last. he lets out a long sigh through his nose, gaze finally turning back to her and it’s there again. the question to ask that he shouldn’t. he’s meant to be angry, furious, bitter. but all he is is hurt and sad and he hates it. so he caves. ❝ no lecture. ❞ he pauses, gives her one up and down before looking away. ❝ you carrying a blade with you ? ❞ is he asking to make sure she’s not walking around this late unprotected ? possibly. will he ever admit to it ? never.

      it takes a while for hayes to answer the question. not because she doesn’t want to answer, but because she’s actually forgotten whether or not she has one on her. she had left the institute in such a hurry that it’s surprising that she even managed to grab her jacket. she just needed out. needed out of the suffocation and the constant surveillance; out from under the pressure of not falling back into old habits that threatened to take more than just her health. as he waits for an answer, she pats down her jacket then her jeans, finally producing a small pocket knife that was given to her as a young teenager; a knife that is more of a thing of comfort than of protection these days. it’s not much, but it’s enough. besides, she’s a shadowhunter, she can take care of herself. at least, in theory that is the case. right now -- right now she just wants to find a dark place and sit down, to give herself some time to get rid of the ache in her brain and to fulfil the desire of being alone once more. “i’m a shadowhunter,” is all that she says. surely that’s enough to give off the illusion that she can fight off whatever comes next. “is that all?”

[trvedawn]

frankiegonzales:

          frankie is so exhausted he can’t raise hi anger to the level he wants it to be. he wants to be harsher, colder, less feeling. but this is the woman who gave him the one thing keeping him going in life- his daughter. and although she left- there’s that part of him, that naive teenager who was head over heels in love. he tries to shove that part deep down and ignore it. he rolls his shoulders back and padlocks the shutters to the bar set in the pavement. throwing himself into work obviously won’t help get hayes out of his head if she knew where he worked and keeps strolling on by. he shoves the store keys in his trouser pockets and crosses his arms. the sarcastic reply is unexpected, almost makes the wolf bristle. ❝ rejected ? i’d take that over someone vanishing on me. least i’d know why. people tend to like that closure shit. ❞ his tone isn’t as harsh as he’d like, if anything pain snakes it’s way in between the vowels and he hates it. to think, he had dreamed of a future with hayes. dreamed of raising their daughter together. but frankie should know by now not to dream or hope for anything. the world always finds new ways to kick him down. there’s just this throbbing open wound in his chest and it stings, aches, and calls out for what he can’t and refuses to let back in. seeing her just makes the ache worse, makes each breath feel like barbed wire. he eyes her a moment, the hoodie, the leather jacket- something was off. or was it the fact it had been so long that he just doesn’t know who this version of hayes is anymore ? there’s moment where his tongue feels weighed down by a question- to ask her if she’s alright. she he bites his tongue, refuses to ask.

      “apparently,” hayes mumbles on her breath. she could just cave then and there, god knows she wants to. there’s so much she has to tell him after all, but is she really in the right state of mind to do it the proper way? chances are, that’s a no. hayes herself is still seeking closure; closure for all the bad decisions she made, closure for the life she lost, and closure for the relationship that was destroyed. there’s so much that she could try and seek closure for, but at the end of the day, she can’t. none of that can be given to her by her own means, it’s all down to other people - one person, in fact. she can’t go there, not now. not any time soon. it would be a disaster for all to see if she didn’t choose her timing perfectly. after what seems like an eternity of switching from foot to foot and fidgeting with her sleeves, she finally drops her eyes to the ground. “i can see you’re not dying and i’m -- i have --” you have nowhere to go, hayes. you don’t have anyone to run to. “unless there’s another lecture to be given, i should... go.”

[trvedawn]

mcrdices:

“what exactly are we talking about?” a moment ago ben didn’t really care, figured he’d be telling the shadowhunter to fuck off soon enough — but now she’s talking about victims and alluded to being familiar with one or two unnamed members of his pack. footsteps halting and gaze swinging sharply towards the shadowhunter, ben’s eyes narrow but otherwise he’s quiet, expectant — now he actually expects an answer.

      for a moment, hayes doesn’t know what to say. she plays a hundred different sentences in her head, unsure of which road to go down as she stands under the watchful eyes of the pack alpha. for a split second, she almost considers lying, but then she stops herself. he’s listened thus far and hasn’t sent her away... yet... so maybe there’s a chance that the truth will serve it’s meaning instead. “i’m... i am sophia’s mother.”

[emihelps]

Sean Teale & Astrid Berges-Frisbey manip as requested by anonymous.

[brcisedbroken-deactivated201808]

@trvedawn

[trvedawn]

frankiegonzales:

     frankie balances the phone between his ear and shoulder as he starts closing up. his boss trying to get him to work tonight but frankie has a night full of sorting out the shops taxes. ❝ i know- i worked the last six nights for you, just gimme tonight. i’ll do two jobs tomorrow ? ❞ if he wanted to, frankie could get out of a lot. the head of the gang saw him as a son but frankie doesn’t like to use that. he turns the sign to closed on the shop door, shuts it and locks it. his feet hit the pavement just outside the florists and he reaches up pulling down shutters. ❝ yeah, i’ll tell blair you said hi. ❞ he roll his eyes, hanging up and shoving the phone in his back pocket. though he misses as he pulls down another shutter and the phone hits the floor. ❝ fuck. ❞ he hisses, closing the last of the shutter and picking up the phone. a crack now resides right in the middle of the screen and he curses again. he’s struggling to pay utility bills never mind buying a new phone… he’ll have to steal one. glancing up, casting his eyes around to find someone to pick pocket… he nearly curses again to high heavens when he sees the familiar brunette nearby. ❝ really ? are all your patrols conveniently around where we fucking go ? ❞ @trvedawn

      the voice startles the shadowhunter. wearing a grey hoody tucked beneath a black leather jacket, the runes upon her skin hidden from view as she stumbles to a stop. she shouldn’t be out this late, the brunette knows this, but the ache that consumes her insides and the twitch that constantly attack her fingers had her restless to the point she had to escape, leaving the institute in her wake for a few hours so that she can seek out the source she once turned to after sophia’s birth. she’s supposed to be clean, to be putting her life back together so that she can finally become the shadowhunter she destroyed her life to be, yet every waking moment brings her back to this point; every inconsistent beat of her heart has falling further and further into the hole she had been yanked out of years previously. and seeing frankie? that isn’t helping. though, this time is different. this time she’s too distracted to apologise for existing, or for being in a city that she also grew up in. this side of hayes? the side that has to tug her sleeves down past her fingers to prevent anyone from seeing her shake? this side of hayes just... doesn’t care. she tried, and where did that get her? nowhere. yet, a promise was made and not even this version of hayes back back down from that. she’s... just not in the right state of mind to focus on it right now. “oui, that is exactly it,” she mumbles, her foreign tongue tripping over words that she should be fluent in by now. “i spend every waking night chasing after you because i just love being rejected time and time again. laisse moi être.”

[kingsdvminion-deactivated202009]

;;character aesthetic requested by @lcigh

                                  ❝ we were just kids when we fell in l o v e ❞

[trvedawn]

mcrdices:

ben’s surprised by her question and he’s not entirely sure why. maybe it’s the complexity ( after all, he knows that most shadowhunters aren’t all that bright ) or maybe he’s just surprised that she actually seems interested in his answer. either way, ben finally shrugs. “risk versus reward,” he repeats a phrase cassie meticulously explained to him once ( and that he remarkably still remembers ), “the outcome you’re hoping for — what’s it worth to you?” what would you do to get what you want? “figure that out, and making choices takes less time.” 

      “to weigh the reward above risk is selfish when it comes to other people being involved,” hayes says, quietly. at least, in her mind it is. she could take risk after risk to gain herself a reward, but for what? there’s always a victim when it comes to risk, and at this point in time, can hayes really afford to go down that route when she’s already paying for a long list of sins? “it would mean the entire world to me, but for someone else it might just be their destruction, so no -- this isn’t a choice that will ever get easier to figure out. i just -- i guess i just wanted to know if it could ever be different.”

[trvedawn]

tessawxllace:

      tessa decided not to insist on it more       if hayes wanted to share her situation with tessa, she would. there was no point of forcing someone to tell her about their personal problems.  “  yeah, there is.  ”  she agreed after eating one of the croissants. ( it tasted better than she expected. )  “  most people found the pairing system as an opportunity to move, i guess       since many new people arrived this year. pretty sure this happened in other institutes, too.  ”

      “it makes sense, to move everyone to one central spot so that the people experiment can be controlled,” hayes muses aloud. “too many variables to consider to have it widespread.” then again, for this to be a valid and true experiment it probably did exist elsewhere. after all, results have to be compiled and compared to garner averages. “tessa, can -- can i ask you something?”

[brcisedbroken-deactivated201808]

hayes: “Let me see your head.” / “I think I got some glass in my hands.” / “Please tell me you’re still breathing.” - sue me

“Let me see your head.” - @trvedawn

     {*time travel music*} so frankie wasn’t the best at d.i.y and the crib- was proving to be one pain in the ass. he had managed to get it to stand but a fixing came loose and well- one crib falling on his head later. seeing hayes concern brings a light laugh to his lips making him forget the moment of pain. ❝ mi alma- ❞ he sighs, tilting his head down so his girlfriend could look. ❝ i’m fine, really. you’ve told me many times before that i have a thick skull. ❞ he teases raising his head once she’s looked and pressing his lips to her forehead. ❝ though- what’re your thoughts on me burning this crib? ❞

“I think I got some glass in my hands.”

     frankie’s dark hues fall to hayes’ hand and he hates the strike of worry that plays in his heart. he shouldn’t care anymore. he should actually find it amusing she’s hurt or take some pleasure out of it. but there’s nothing but the need to help patch her back up. ❝ fuck- just… give me your damn hand. ❞ he holds out his own and hates the goosebumps that rise in his skin when he fells the back of her hand against her palm. ❝ this is going to sting. ❞ why does he warn her? she already knows it’ll hurt… a battle wages in his head as he gets to work removing glass from the very hand he had wished to put a wedding ring on not so many years ago. ❝ there. ❞ he lets her hand go like it’s a blistering flame and crosses his arms in case he tries to reach out for her again.

“Please tell me you’re still breathing.”

     everything hurts. every muscle in his body feels as though it’s on fire and his bones ache. memories slowly slip back behind his eyelids- the demon coming up behind hayes, frankie on instinct putting himself between them and then- blinding pain. agony. he feels cool hands against his face and almost sighs when he catches hayes’ scent. home. he’s home. the years of bitterness melt away, a peace forming in his chest and he wants to move- to press his cheek against her palm more firmly but his body won’t co-operate. he tries to open his eyes, he can see the blurry appearance of the woman who stole his heart but he can’t make out any details. keeping his eyes open feels like running a marathon and he has to let them slip shut out of exhaustion. ❝ m-mi alma- ❞ a nickname frankie has only ever used on one person- my soul. the pain begins to ebb away but frankie knows that’s not a good sign. when numbness arrives he knows he won’t have long and he forces his eyes back open. ❝ t-take care- ❞ he swallows hard, a man not known for his words but he needs them now. ❝ of her. ❞ sophia, their daughter who sits at home waiting and will only have one parent come home to her tonight. ❝ ‘m s-sorry. ❞ for what? so many things and he wishes he could say them. he’s sorry he didn’t notice hayes struggling after sophia was born, he’s sorry he let his anger blind him, he’s sorry he spent so much time being hurt that he didn’t allow sophia to have both her parents around sooner. and- he’s sorry he didn’t get the chance to tell hayes that even after all the hurt, the pain, those years of feeling lost- that he still loves her. he can hear his name, but it feels like it’s going through tar and sounds muffled to his ears. he doesn’t know when his eyes slip shut again but the darkness feels so inviting. and he’s tired. a lifetime of fighting and he’s just- so tired. something’s hitting his chest, there’s noise in his ears he can’t translate into words. but he’s in the arms of the love of his life- he feels peace for the first time in years and so-                                                                              he lets go…

[brcisedbroken-deactivated201808]

hayes: ❤️💞💓

Send ❤️ for a romantic kiss @trvedawn

     he doesn’t know why he brings it up. sophia has long since gone to bed, the two of them now occupying the kitchen. maybe it’s the fact they can actually do this now- be in the same room and frankie not letting his anger overcome him. it’s easier to speak about it since he’s hands deep in dish water, back to hayes. ❝ do you remember our first date? ❞ his voice is low, gravelly tone still managing to travel despite him trying to be quiet. little wolf ears could be listening. he swallows hard, placing a plate on the drying rack and grabbing a towel to dry his hands with. he turns, back leaning against the counter and gazes through dark lashes at the woman before him. ❝ how we knocked noses at the end of the night? ❞ he sees it, hayes replaying the memory, the softness to her features- god, even after her breaking his heart… she still owns every broken piece in her hands. his own features soften and his chest aches with something different. it doesn’t ache with bitterness or anger- but with longing. he still loves her, completely and utterly hers. ❝ i- i don’t know why i mentioned it. ❞ and it comes to him, as to why. the closeness they had been gaining- it wasn’t enough anymore. he couldn’t sit in a room, on the same couch with that damn gap between them as they watched sophia dance around the living room. he didn’t want there to be a gap anymore, he couldn’t stand it anymore. he bites the bullet, moves over hayes. ❝ i miss you. ❞ he whispers it, a confession into the late night air and it tightens in his throat. his heartbeat fills his ears and he caves, leaning in and waiting for hayes to pull away. but she doesn’t and his lips connect with hers… and it’s like coming home.

Send 💞 for a awkward kiss.

       {{*time travel music*}} for a first date it wasn’t terrible… though frankie has very little to go off. he wasn’t sure if offering to walk hayes halfway to the institute was a good idea… he knew walking her the full way was never going to happen- but also she’s a shadowhunter and perfectly capable of defending herself on her way home… but he can’t help it. he may try to hide it but underneath the rough exterior is a gentleman. the walk is quiet, shy glances, his hand brushing hers as they walk and his heart racing far too fast. the wolf had never felt anything like this before, this want to be around someone as much as they’d have him. they reached the halfway mark and- well, frankie didn’t want to say goodnight. but he knew he had to, they’re from two different lives and they had their role to play in each. he looks at her as they pause, dark hues tracing over delicate features and his heart skips a beat. he wants to kiss her but doesn’t know if he should. swallowing hard, he watches hayes begin to turn away, to head back and he acts on a whim. he moves forward slow enough that she won’t mistake it for an attack and just as he’s close enough to press his lips to her cheek- her head turns and their noses hit. there’s a moment of embarrassment- but then soft laughter exhales past his lips. ❝ my bad. ❞ there’s a slight dusting of red to his cheeks as he steps back and rubs the back of his neck. ❝ er- goodnight, hayes. ❞ he gives a slight flustered nod before turning and heading his own way home- and maybe he glances back a few times to watch her leave. but he’ll never admit it.

Send 💓 for a heated kiss.   

     words were thrown, sharper than daggers and chest heaving with anger buried deep for years. civility had been short lived, calmness before a storm that would rattle the walls of the gonzales home. but even with anger running through his blood, even with fists clenched and bitterness trying to pour forth- his eyes fall to hayes’ lips. when was the last time he had kissed her? sophia’s newborn cries had been in the background, his lips meeting hers in excitement of having family and in awe of how she brought life into this world. so too long… far too long. he catches hayes gaze doing exactly as his, dancing between eyes and lips and words fading into heavy breaths. before he knows it, he has closed the gap between him and hayes. lips connect, the heat of their argument burning between them, his hands slipping to her waist to pull her closer. whatever they were arguing about is forgotten in almost an instant, all he can think about is kissing her, being close to her, finally letting his walls fall just a little bit with her.

[trvedawn]

starrywxllow:

willow did her best to hold back her eyeroll, “no darling, that’s an expression. maybe not the best one i’ll admit.” she said taking a seat across from her. “well it certainly seems like something. and you aren’t wasting my time. i did ask about it.”

      “sorry, sometimes i don’t get american expressions,” she admits, sheepishly. after all, english is her third language. mismatched eyes follow the woman as she sits down, tension building in each and every join that her body plays host to. “i’m just... dealing with some things. nothing major,” she waves a hand vaguely. “relationship drama, as they say.” or, in hayes’ case, the lack thereof.

[emihelps]

Sean Teale & Astrid Berges-Frisbey manip as requested by anonymous.

[brcisedbroken-deactivated201808]

@trvedawn

[lifeanddeathofjulienlevy]

[trvedawn]

mcrdices:

“i don’t need shadowhunters owing me favors.” especially not for looking after his pack. it’s what he’s supposed to do, but he won’t bother with trying to explain as much. werewolves have a sense of loyalty he doesn’t trust that anyone else can really understand. “and i don’t think i believe in only options,” ben calmly posits with a shrug, “i mean, you always have a choice.”

      “okay,” hayes answers, though within her thoughts she is making a mental note to stick to her own words. regardless of the alpha’s wishes, hayes will forever be indebted to each and every person who has had some form of positive input in both frankie and sophia’s lives. she would never say so, but she would never forgive herself for not putting herself into a place that would care. “what if the choice you have can only end in the destruction of something? what do you do then?” she doesn’t mean to question his words yet here she is, finding herself actually wanting to know how he would answer to something like that.

[trvedawn]

tessawxllace:

     the shadowhunter gave the other a sympathetic smile, suddenly feeling the need to make sure that hayes knew she always, always had a friend that she could talk to.  “  are you sure about that ? you know, i’m actually pretty good at listening to people.  ”  she offered      however, the next question caused her to pause for a moment.  “  i’m great !  ”  that was a lie, honestly. but she was not going to bother hayes with her own drama about her parabatai, her family, and.. everything.

      for a moment, the foreign shadowhunter remains silent. is this really something that she should share with tessa? it’s not like she doesn’t trust the girl, she had always been kind to hayes, but there is just something... stopping her. she doesn’t really know why. though she figures it has something to do with the fact that she doesn’t want to be responsible in breaking the institute’s resident sun. “si -- i’m sure,” she eventually nods and offers what appears to be a very strained smile. “i’m glad -- that’s good,” she nods once more. “there’s... so many new faces around here.”

[trvedawn]

starrywxllow:

“well you look like someone kicked your puppy or do you always have a such a sad look on your face?” willow asked. “is everything alright….random shadowhunter?”

@trvedawn

      “i... don’t have a puppy?” hayes looks at the woman with confusion etched into mismatched eyes. though, to be honest, the idea of having a puppy sounds... nice. “it’s -- it’s nothing. i don’t want to waste your time.”

[trvedawn]

frankiegonzales:

     frankie’s body is begging for sleep, for rest, for anything other than constantly working all the time. but he knows the moment he lies down to try and heal- his brain will be wired- insomnia will keep him up till dawn just like it always does. doesn’t mean his eyes don’t shut for a second or two before he blinks them back open. ❝ starting to get tired of hearing sorry. ❞ it’s more of a mutter, in hopes sophia won’t hear but as always- his daughter hears, sees everything. though he hopes she remains clueless in the aspect of her mother. ❝ your parents say a lot of things. ❞ it’s a low blow, frankie knows it and there’s a moment where possible guilt curls in his gut but he shoves it off. he refuses to be guilty in any sense of the word when it came to hayes. grabbing a bottle of whiskey, he removes the cap and takes a long swig. there’s no doubt he’ll finish the bottle before the night is up. he’ll need it to ignore the image of sophia hugging her mother, of hayes being in his home- of her touch helping him home after all these years without it. he can hear the softest of whispers, sophia hiding at the top of the stairs to say one last thing. daddy be kind. then the soft footsteps of her going into her room. he sighs heavily through his nostrils, takes another swig and follows hayes to the door. is it childish that he doesn’t want to thank her at all? but then- if hayes hadn’t have been around that corner- would frankie have even made it home? he reaches around her, opening the door and ignoring how close they are once again. he leans against the door slightly, and keeps his eyes to the wall just to the side of hayes head. ❝ thanks. ❞ he bites it out, it’s obvious he doesn’t mean it. soon dark hues move from the wall and he looks at hayes. ❝ this is a one time thing. i see you anywhere near here- ❞ he doesn’t finish his threat, he doesn’t know what he’ll do. but he sure as hell won’t let her stay. ❝ get out. ❞ 

      hayes’ jaw clenches as frankie mentions her parents. yes, she brought up her father but his words -- there isn’t a kindness to them. while her own were the biggest contributing factor to why they broke up in the first place, they were also the ones who taught her everything that she knows. it is that confusion - hating something that you love - that caused the young shadowhunter to fall. she couldn’t fathom a world in which her parents were the villains so, in turn, she turned to anything and everything that could tune that out. the result... a yin-fen addiction that she would go on to battle for many years; an addiction she is still struggling to ignore in this very instance. she wants to retort; to rise against his words and give him a piece of her mind, but then she remembers sophia and the fire in her stomach fizzles out. she takes a deep breath and balls her hands into tiny fists out of sight of the young one. even if sophia doesn’t know who she is, she doesn’t want to scar the child with memories of her being violent because, right now, hayes is a hero. she saved the girl’s father and allowed them to be together another day. if that’s all she gets to hold onto from her on out then it’s what she has to accept. she’s too lost in her own thoughts to fully realise how close he is before it’s too late. he’s speaking again and the proverbial knife in her heart is back. mismatched irises glance from his mouth to his eyes before taking a step back only for her shoulder to knock into the door. there used to be a day where hayes would tease frankie for this kind of behaviour - she would find it adorable and pinch his cheeks with a smile that can rival the sun, but now? she’s terrified. “i understand,” is all she can say. he doesn’t have to finish that sentence for her to know what comes next. so, with one last glance, she quickly darts out of the door and is gone.