odds and ends

thoughts I have when I'm going through a rough time. she/her, 20s, queer🏳️‍🌈

[tryingthoughts]

yall wth i spoke too soon on the new job thing. i was actually looking forward to it, tho i was also very scared. i went to the interview and participated, tried to be a welcoming person. i was offered the job and as soon as i got into the training materials i was faced with how many extra things were not mentioned anywhere in the job description nor the email offer. i am so confused, it felt like a lot of red flags but i wish i could be one of the many people who could be fine with this.

anyways, at least ive got my current job. its also picking up out of the blue which is... interesting, but good for the finances. im able to pay bills etc while looking for different opportunities.

i hate it all, i hate having to do so much trial and error. tale as old as time.

still trying to meet up with folks, grow with people, started learning a tiny free course on writing online. little things here and there. still making things, writing in my journal and tinkering away at things. but yeah, i feel on edge a lot. on edge but without the energy to grasp.

i cant help but wonder if im a wrong person, something must be wrong, i give up pretty easily i see. which i dont know if thats the reason i didnt contuinue in the new job. how much is my own inability to put in the time and effort to learn a new skill/field, and how much is "yeah thats a reasonable concern, not worth your time", see?

[tryingthoughts]

well yall i am the happy recipient of an alternative job offer thank fuck!

found out some rather angering news about my current job a couple days ago so thank goodness it's not the only iron in the fire. still, the terrible news is rectifiable. I intend to become more vocal and raise my concerns more moving forward, the last year has really shown me that i have not been using my skills to cause real change enough, the upper management has been entirely too comfortable.

im honestly so scared about starting another new job, last time i tried getting a second job it was hell, im hoping this job will be ok, I'm gonna reduce my hours way down at my existing job to try and avoid last time's overstress. so scared yall what if i crash and burn....

[tryingthoughts]

latest news is i continue to feel a general dissatisfaction in my life, but am still trying to ameliorate my situation. im looking at getting a different job, something new might be cool but also i am so scared. i feel kind of listless most days, eyes are weary and im just so tired of everything. im dabbling in making some textiles to keep myself kind of active, trying to connect with people regularly but i have some outstanding hangouts to initiate. i am definitely feeling the drag of always having to initiate these things but i think it'll be a strong start for many of these relationships.

thinking of making a sewing collage-type little memorial piece for a dead mango i tried growing... unfourtunately he died last winter and i hadnt the heart to remove him from the pot until now, but i kinda want to commemorate him, he was a fun guy. im thinking applique wallhanging maybe, somehow making a little pocket or rigging for his dried out stem and remaining roots... interesting interesting.

[tryingthoughts]

yall i have been doing so many things and they have been going well. i still definitely feel the dread and dauntingness of making friends and living life but im doing stuff anyways.

my latest craft interest has been knitting mittens to get rid of some scraps of yarn ive been hanging onto for like a decade now. have been trying to reach out to people to arrange activities and stuff; i dont know if eventually ill have a bit more ease and casualness to meetups, at the moment theyre pretty planned and cautious. i think something to look forward to (?) is one day being able to invite people to do regular degular day to day stuff together day of and just enjoy their closeness. id like to feel more comfortable hugging people in greeting, complimenting them etc... it feels like a lot, there are so many days still.

[tryingthoughts]

it has been an icky day, very sedentary and exhausted. i did enjoy some coffee for the first time in a while and finished a new hat project.

feel very much dread about how long i have to continue doing things, feels neverending because it actually is, just exhausting.

[tryingthoughts]

I've got another social occurrence occurring!

today i spent some time making a cover for my hot water bottle, felt nice to dabble in a small and cozy craft. came out really well!

im sending a little card to a friend, im going to do some more baking methinks, maybe some mini muffins sounds good.

i started and finished a puzzle yesterday, very relieving to make and feel absorbed by a puzzle again it's been a while.

been thinking about tattoos because id really love to get one this year, im thinking maybe a bird. 2025 has been a year of birds i think

[tryingthoughts]

Will I hear from my friend on Christmas? New years? I haven't heard from her for the last few years on my birthday. Will she respond when I send my little wishes.

I have to keep investing in friendships, I think having regular friend dates would be so nice. I have a few options already, I just need to make it through this next two weeks and see how things are

[tryingthoughts]

Y'all wtf I have been doing so much socializing, and also, it has been good? Making little jokes and conversations at work, meeting up with people to do things? Calling people? Wild truly

I'm exhausted but I'm hopeful that I could be making fabulous new friends!

[tryingthoughts]

thinking about the things i might want to try in the new year. something i think is doable is determining my significant music/artists/media etc myself. notating what songs or albums i listened to or discovered, what genres were recommended, what feelings did i try and listen for and did i succeed. i think that might be a more satisfying and maybe more ethical way to consume and reflect on media. im definitely wanting to try alternative ways to consume and explore media - more physical media, piracy, live events, libraries, personal swaps and reviews etc... i think thats a cool idea. i did really enjoy having little review sections in my journalling back in the day.

i havent journalled regularly in like... 5 or 6 years? so i think this might be an accessible way to get back into it because i am always listening to music, i just have to put pen to paper about it.

i guess thats the first intention for the new year. good to be striving in at least a few fun ways.

[tryingthoughts]

Lately I've been comforting myself that I'm not redefining what it means to be human. I am not more special than any others, i am not less special than any others. My looks, my emotions, voice, interests etc... can all be found in the greater human population. It provides some comfort to know that. I am a human doing human things, meeting other humans doing human things.

I remember thinking this about children a lot: they're experiencing some Firsts, it is a part of being a child and being human to experience these Firsts. It is not outside the scope of humanity to express things with big words and actions, to feel overwhelmed by a First when it is such an early First is part of their humanity. Allows me to see the wonder in it all and avoid some of the violence of affect some adults have about children in public.

I have also been trying bit by bit to live. No one is going to live my life for me so I guess I have to do it. It must be done. I dwell often on the alternative but I try to keep coming back to that thought of living on purpose as a necessity. time keeps happening, people keep existing, I'm still here. To feel better about those things I need to have a life I can live with.

[tryingthoughts]

wow what a time. the getting out of bed is worse, dreading leaving the house is back in full force and consistency ha ha.

i have to work the next few days in big crowds and chaos. not loooking forward to it at allllll.

did get some energy drinks as a little treat before work each day which is nice. I am also pleased to be finally wearing my cardigan! just decided "fuck it, it'll never be perfect might as well start wearing it" and im pleased with that.

have to go to the post office sometime this week to mail some little letters. gotta get a birthday card for a grandmother and something simple to put in it. maybe a print or a postcard.

feel miserable. grateful i only have my inter- and intra- personal problems to worry about and not also having to worry about if i have enough money to be alive. thinking of getting some hairdye and sparkly hair gel just for some fun.

[tryingthoughts]

I've successfully reached out to someone to make plans. And I have 2 others I can reach out to as well... who knows if they'll respond but it's something. My little goal for before the end of the year is to go to a social event planned by others

Trying to make some substantial food and find some more interesting recipes. As it stands I draw a blank almost every time I have to make food. I think it comes and goes in phases - sometimes I'm rocking out in the kitchen, making meals is excellent and interesting, satisfying and delicious. So delicious that I look forward to munching on the leftovers. Other times are more like now when I can't possibly fathom how to combine more than two ingredients together in a way that is tolerable let alone enjoyable. But we attempt, attempt attempt.

I'm also listening to a lot of abba

And realizing i know a fair good few on each album they've released but I want to be acquainted with their discography more completely? Just a small little challenge to complete.

I am also trying energy drinks. I never tried them before so now I'm trying one every couple days, finding different flavors and brands. Another small little thing. A quirky little hobby that is interesting to those who ask what I've been up to lately, and has been pretty tasty so far.

[tryingthoughts]

well we are in the end days for my grandfather. he has given life a valiant effort, worked hard, lived through much pain and frustration. when he goes i will be relieved that he doesnt have to continue with those mortal woes. i am sad and angry; i will likely not see him between now and his passing.

i worry for my mother who has been taking care of him and her mother; i think it will be the breaking of a taut string holding her up. he is in hospital, i dread the fall out but i am also looking forward to when my mother can rest.

wish i could tell him he did a good job hanging in, i did say something similar last time we spoke on the phone, he made it a long way. i guess the last thing he has to do is die, one last mammoth task. he told me to keep walking on the road, that ive got a long road ahead. fucking wild truly.

update: he's gone now, very sad and very angry over here. the work isnt done yet unfourtunately, so much still to be done.

[tryingthoughts]

feeling devoid of fun. i think id like to do community theatre but i do not want to be committing to a play i have no interest in. it'd be great to do a musical i think. i worry it's gonna be like the choir i was in - i was very concerned about my comportment and didnt feel relaxed or much enjoyment during most of the rehearsal time. i wasnt strong enough to engage with others because i felt scolded everytime conversations bubbled up. i was on edge. i am hoping the opportunity i have in mind will be better and more enjoyable, but who knows.

getting out of bed is hard again, leaving the house is dreadful. who knows how ill feel when audition time finally comes round. play it by ear, see how things go. i feel very unfun, it takes so much energy to respond to people with matching energy these days. comes and goes of course, but i feel very drained.

[tryingthoughts]

visiting home i saw all the things i could be doing to help my household. things to be cleaned and taken care of - the garden is overgrown, rooms filled with linens to be put away. i could be more useful, have a larger and more important project. something that is a tangible goal to work towards but still has the familiarity of being my home. i did some gardening and felt like i was missing out. i always feel like im missing out.

[tryingthoughts]

quit my second job... feel relieved but also like a failure. everything i do im just like "what the fuck am i doing here"

its a strong "something is seriously wrong here" feeling. i don't know what it is. im listening to sad crying songs maybe that'll help lol.

been looking into getting a primary care physician... mostly because i'd like to give the appearance of taking care or whatever, but also because i think having a referral to a mental health professional would be kind of helpful. im tired and just kind of sad, empty and meaningless.

even with all that its so fucking absurd to be sat down with stickers and my cardigan. the stickers are construction machine themed and my cardigan is almost done, ill wear it and be pleased but will still kind of feel like throwing up in discomfort with life anyways. strange times we're living.

[tryingthoughts]

I am a sad one and I am an unsettled one. i feel the jittering in my chest like veins 'n shit are trying to tie down to something. I hate moving and starting a new job. i hate that my family is dying and everyone is living in separate places. like wtf.

i bet i should whip out a craft again. but something is too desperate in my finger tips. i need to therapy, and go to the beach, but also grocery shop and rehearse for a stupid performance that is taking more from me than i am enjoying. i am tired and bored but too overwhelmed with everything.

i think a puzzle would be good. ill bring my puzzle over in the move.