this love is violence; this violence is love

writing journal for a vicious fae-adjacent she-creature. longer works here. 18+ only.

[tsujigitsune]

having a bad time and thinking about whitney dol to make myself feel better.

[tsujigitsune]

experiencing a fun turning point in my writing career. this is the first time ive been meticulously trying to plan a satisfying hopeful ending to a story and have slowly had to recognize within myself that i actually just straight up don't want it. not that it's too hard or feels unrealistic but just like. i think it's kind of a worse version of the story. i think things should actually just go catastrophically badly

[tsujigitsune]

my 2025 resolution is to make self-insert fic cool (or make myself really happy trying)

[kaosithesecond]

(adding the prompts directly under it so that it's easier for anyone who wants to participate here!)

[tsujigitsune]

i'm working off of very incomplete data here but bear with me okay. i think the galaxy rangers are caricatures on purpose? like the whole idea is that they're over the top representations of aesthetics that are very common in (our, real-world) modern culture but like, extremely badly remembered? and it makes sense for them to be a bit absurdist and tonedeaf because they're loners that don't really care what anyone else thinks of them?

it would be very funny if titania was a galaxy ranger, is where i'm going with this

[tsujigitsune]

kill your darlings. kill your darlings. kill your darlings. fujimoto i'm going to strangle you personally. how dare you live in my head like this. kill your darlings. kill your darlings.

[tsujigitsune]

One of my biggest weaknesses as a writer is that I imagine a lot of detailed storylines that get me really excited and then convince myself not to write them.

i spent a lot of time this morning thinking about a whole feixiao x "me" storyline that was hot and cute and very self-fulfilling because of course it was, it was about me, and I can do whatever I want to take care of myself in my imagination.

then I started thinking "ugh but it'd take too long" and "no one wants to read about my self insert" which like. I don't even know that either of those things are true anyway. but here we are with an idea I really like that I have decided is ineligible for some reason

[imoanurparentsnames]

this is a reminder for selfshippers that its okay to make your f/os obsessed with you. so true they WOULD think about you all the time. so true they WOULD bring you up in every conversation. the world could be ending and your f/o would only mourn not getting to give you enough affection

[tsujigitsune]

I've had a few different thoughts about my self-shards in HSR's setting but there are a couple recent innovations that I'm really happy with - Vidyadhara Eleanor is obvious, and i've figured Titania is a member of the IPC but she's also obviously a Masked Fool; but Memokeeper Frosty. Now that one's interesting.

[tsujigitsune]

so what do we think lingsha's damages are.

[tsujigitsune]

we know there's at minimum something, as a baseline. she keeps a tuskpir as a pet and coos at him about how happy he is around depressed people. like one way or another something is wrong with her

[tsujigitsune]

it's only natural to be depressed in a position like hers, anyway. we know she's been holding on to this grudge against the Luofu for god knows how many years after her mentor was exiled, but that's just the small stuff. being a medical expert of any kind of hard.

there's no way jiaoqiu has trauma like that and lingsha simply Does Not. it doesn't even feel right to say that she's better at covering it up than jiaoqiu; i'm sure he's quite good at it too, he just doesn't feel the need to wear a mask all the time (and we got pretty deep into his story in 2.5 so that doesn't work out so well for him).

which to me, prompts the question: why does lingsha feel the need to hide her feelings behind a pretty smile and a chipper voice?

boring answer, she has healthy means of stress relief and someone to confide in. but idk. does she?

[tsujigitsune]

tuskpir are described as subsisting on memoria. the wiki describes it as both filter-feeding on aquatic insects and small fish, and feeding on human dreams. it seems there's room for debate and interpretation here.

one wonders, if you keep a tuskpir as a pet and habitually allow it to devour your memoria, will you forget things? if it prefers your "strongest" memoria, will you forget the source of those strong feelings?

perhaps you only forget them for as long as the tuskpir is habitually feeding off of you?

[tsujigitsune]

so what do we think lingsha's damages are.

[tsujigitsune]

we know there's at minimum something, as a baseline. she keeps a tuskpir as a pet and coos at him about how happy he is around depressed people. like one way or another something is wrong with her

[tsujigitsune]

it's only natural to be depressed in a position like hers, anyway. we know she's been holding on to this grudge against the Luofu for god knows how many years after her mentor was exiled, but that's just the small stuff. being a medical expert of any kind of hard.

there's no way jiaoqiu has trauma like that and lingsha simply Does Not. it doesn't even feel right to say that she's better at covering it up than jiaoqiu; i'm sure he's quite good at it too, he just doesn't feel the need to wear a mask all the time (and we got pretty deep into his story in 2.5 so that doesn't work out so well for him).

which to me, prompts the question: why does lingsha feel the need to hide her feelings behind a pretty smile and a chipper voice?

boring answer, she has healthy means of stress relief and someone to confide in. but idk. does she?

[44rtem]

theres such a lack of ruan mei fics… sometimes I wish there were more 💔

[tsujigitsune]

so what do we think lingsha's damages are.

[tsujigitsune]

we know there's at minimum something, as a baseline. she keeps a tuskpir as a pet and coos at him about how happy he is around depressed people. like one way or another something is wrong with her

[tsujigitsune]

so what do we think lingsha's damages are.

[tsujigitsune]

wow i really went off the fucking deep end with supreme guardian this time around.

[tsujigitsune]

Man. I forgot that Phobos wasn't always Phobos. She used to be Rachael, but even that "human" name had to get changed to make room for another Rachel in our lives.

Wow, that was a long time ago, that I first wrote about Chelsea and Rachael. I don't have any of that old stuff anymore, I think. All of my personal copies are gone, and the person I used to share that writing with is uh - mm, I don't talk to them anymore, and would prefer to keep it that way.

Kind of a shame. I always think I'm going to hate my old writing, and then I go back to it, and it's actually awesome. Would that still be true even a full decade later? More?

[tsujigitsune]

Oh my god, I do still have everything, it's just trapped in .doc format. Oh no. Now I have to figure out if I can find a way to easily open this stuff...

[tsujigitsune]

GOD RACHAEL WAS SO GOOD. I MISS HER.

[tsujigitsune]

omggg. back when I was first experimenting with "maybe Rei is a lesbian". i had to invent a reason for her to go an entirely different universe, canonically, like the lesbian crush she developed she had to be quarantined from her "canon" hetero self.

[tsujigitsune]

back before i called her Gwen... the girl I stole my name from...

[tsujigitsune]

okay, maybe this is kind of an insane thing to say, but i feel like i keep noticing patterns in the way I write -- like, VERY specific emotional setups and payoffs, that I have reused throughout the years. And something about that is so cool to see. I have a style! I have motifs! I... never really thought about it, but now that I look back, it's always been there!

[tsujigitsune]

i distinctly remember thinking that the extremely naive approach to love and intimacy implied by Black Halos as a concept was something i was going to think was childish 10 years in the future, but here i am more than 10 years later and Black Halos as an analog to autism actually kinda fucks, so take that, past me

[tsujigitsune]

maybe this was what i needed. maybe i just needed to write transparently childish rambles about women taking each others' feelings seriously and enduring the brunt of others' hurt and anger and sadness even though it didn't seem to have any purpose to say anything.

[tsujigitsune]

...no. what i needed was to write all of the insane ideas i had, regardless of whether they were any good, regardless of whether they made sense or i had put together the necessary worldbuilding to explain them.

the target audience was me. ten years ago, you wrote a very whatever story about girls that made you feel things, and the target audience is me, right now, and i'm really feeling it so much. thank you, past grace, for writing this.

now i have to pay it forward, right? that's the lesson i'm learning tonight? i have to keep doing this?

[tsujigitsune]

Man. I forgot that Phobos wasn't always Phobos. She used to be Rachael, but even that "human" name had to get changed to make room for another Rachel in our lives.

Wow, that was a long time ago, that I first wrote about Chelsea and Rachael. I don't have any of that old stuff anymore, I think. All of my personal copies are gone, and the person I used to share that writing with is uh - mm, I don't talk to them anymore, and would prefer to keep it that way.

Kind of a shame. I always think I'm going to hate my old writing, and then I go back to it, and it's actually awesome. Would that still be true even a full decade later? More?

[tsujigitsune]

Oh my god, I do still have everything, it's just trapped in .doc format. Oh no. Now I have to figure out if I can find a way to easily open this stuff...

[tsujigitsune]

GOD RACHAEL WAS SO GOOD. I MISS HER.

[tsujigitsune]

omggg. back when I was first experimenting with "maybe Rei is a lesbian". i had to invent a reason for her to go an entirely different universe, canonically, like the lesbian crush she developed she had to be quarantined from her "canon" hetero self.

[tsujigitsune]

back before i called her Gwen... the girl I stole my name from...

[tsujigitsune]

okay, maybe this is kind of an insane thing to say, but i feel like i keep noticing patterns in the way I write -- like, VERY specific emotional setups and payoffs, that I have reused throughout the years. And something about that is so cool to see. I have a style! I have motifs! I... never really thought about it, but now that I look back, it's always been there!

[tsujigitsune]

i distinctly remember thinking that the extremely naive approach to love and intimacy implied by Black Halos as a concept was something i was going to think was childish 10 years in the future, but here i am more than 10 years later and Black Halos as an analog to autism actually kinda fucks, so take that, past me

[tsujigitsune]

maybe this was what i needed. maybe i just needed to write transparently childish rambles about women taking each others' feelings seriously and enduring the brunt of others' hurt and anger and sadness even though it didn't seem to have any purpose to say anything.