@ttrcyaa - Tumblr Blog

Triggered

It’s been about 6 months since he hurt me. I’ve been trying to act tough but just recently after me and P argued, it’s catching up to me all these emotions I’ve been putting to the burner. Sadly, I felt the 1 person who would have good input I realized is technically gone to me.

I’m off. Something inside of me is triggering my sadness. I’m trying to figure out if it’s being at home? My room? My weight? Being asked to be MOH? Money? The fact I just turned 30? All my friends are getting married and moving out? Why do I feel so disconnected from P? Is it me? I somehow revert to that it’s the voices in my head that are telling me how I don’t have purpose in the world right now and that hurts me. I have half of my mind telling me I am Enough, I am brave, and I am Grateful. My other half of my mind is going rapidly fast with negative thoughts that I find myself stagnant. I’m confused because I go to work and I am dealt with so much stress and can’t wait to be off and when I’m finally not working I find myself in so much grief. I thought, maybe I’m going to sign up for a fitness class. After my class I feel happy, but then it goes away so fast when I get home. I thought, maybe I’ll just buy stuff online, maybe that will make me happy- same thing, I get now a feeling of buyers remorse. Maybe if I listen to a motivational podcast?! I did for a few minutes about how it’s not happiness I’m seeking but the feeling of Fulfillment. So I asked myself, why am I feeling so ashamed that I have a good life and yet I am extremely hurting and battling myself. And then I question, is it because of what he did to me?

I messaged my therapist and have not heard back. I’m hesitant to message again or to talk to anyone. There is a feeling of violation and confusion that clouds my mind. It’s a vicious cycle. I guess I felt my best option is to vent on her. Like old times.

Oh gosh, I’m 30

I cannot believe I am 30.

I experienced my 1st day off by myself today and as expected, I spiraled into a panic attack. The first thing I wanted to do this morning was buy a cup of coffee, eat a ham and cheese croissant, and vent on Tumblr; however, I deleted my Tumblr app thinking I didn’t need to post on here anymore seeing that I had “everything” I needed, like people (including a therapist) to physically vent/talk to. I had planned to go to the gym, get my car washed, do laundry, and clean my room while catching up on shows. Reality: drank a cup of coffee, ate 3 ham and cheese croissants, cried in my car before walking into Walmart where I felt ridiculous wearing a Coachella T-shirt that made me feel like a fake young person of all places, bought a toilet bowl cleaner and realized my laundry detergent wasn’t there, then was supposed to go to Trader Joe’s so I can meal prep and not feel like a fatty from my croissants, ended up missing the turn and went to Target instead since Walmart didn’t have my laundry detergent, spent 20 min trying to figure out what new lunchbag I wanted (thinking it would count as retail therapy- which later wasn’t enough therapy for me so spent $300 on Nordstrom app to buy larger and more mature looking clothes), then went home and for the last, God knows how many hours, I’ve been on YouTube watching videos of designer bag dupes and reading into YouTube drama.

Gosh I feel pathetic.

I can’t believe I’m 30. I’m hearing it’s the best years- stable and most memorable. I’m hoping it will be, but for now I feel stuck in limbo. I’m not in my 20s, I (subjectively) look and feel older, and I just feel like some reject living in a basement. I feel really low and emotional. I laugh at the fact I told myself by 27 I’d like to be married with kids lol

I ended up starting my load of laundry not too long ago and am actually contemplating on just catching up on The Bachelor while at the gym. Good for me. Woo 30. I guess I just needed to get this gray blob out of my system by doing absolutely nothing lol While doing laundry, I realized that I am actually extremely lucky and am grateful for what I’ve accomplished so far and how I have an awesome support system- loving boyfriend who makes me laugh like attempting to do the “whoa” (since we CLEARLY are too old for all these hype dance moves lol), my parents are happy, my sister has an energy about her that makes me happy, my friends came out for me in SD and I couldn’t have been more appreciatively that they came, and Chewi and Bailey. I have a rewarding job that I work extremely hard for and regretfully take for granted sometimes when it’s physically/emotionally/mentally exhausting. My time will come to be engaged, to move out, to have kids, and who knows, I’ve been having dreams of me going back to school, so I’m wondering if that’s a sign.

I guess in the end, deep down I still have my bratty, lazy ass, fatty thinking her metabolism is the same (when it is NOT), self inside. I also cannot drink or have FUN like I used to forSURE. The hangovers are really bad lol I’ll always be the same, except doing days like these at 30.....I’ll probably slap myself if I thought I can do it again tomorrow. I really need to wash my car (I spilled soy sauce and haven’t cleaned it up).

Thanks again, Tumblr for being there for me. You’ve been #1 since 2009-2010?? Wow.....that’s a trip lol

onlinecounsellingcollege

10 Important Steps to Recovery

1. Believe that you can have a new, and better, future.

2. Believe that you can get there – one step and day at a time.

3. Allow yourself to really feel your feelings.

4. Don’t judge yourself for what happened in the past.

5. Know your triggers.

6. Have a plan to cope with your triggers.

7. Challenge negative and self-defeating thinking.

8. Seek out healthy and inspiring role models.

9. Accept yourself completely.

10. Practice self-care.

A little update

Last time I posted, back in July? my dad just had surgery and my mom left her job. Since then a little update...

From Sept to October I opted to take a person LOA from work. In August, my step mom started getting sick and by the end of September we found out she had stage 4 cervical cancer that met to her lungs and brain. She died in October. I decided to take off work to take care of my parents and to be there for my dad when the original plan was for her to start chemo. She unfortunately (but fortunate in a way she did not suffer) did not make it to her first chemo session..the cancer just took over and she died in the hospital a month since diagnosed. Peter and I went to Washington and Oregon...had a mini road trip, which was originally planned back in May of this year. I took that trip to heart, since by day 2 of our trip I got a call from my dad saying my step mom passed away.

You don’t realized your responsibility as a child until you parents grow old and now the roles change. I am now taking care of both my parents, I am now back at work, and I have decided to see a therapist. I knew I had to do something for myself to be the strong one for my mom and dad. I didn’t want to talk to my friends or to unload my pain to Peter. Honestly, I kept being on LOA a secret just so I could have time for myself.

I have gained at least 20 lbs, and I wish I could say I am exaggerating. This is the heaviest I have been and I’ll be honest, I don’t like hanging out with my friends or going out even more because I am ashamed and embarrassed. I’m pulling a Rob Kardashian haha but jokes aside, I can’t look at myself or sleep because I hate the way I look. I’m emotionally eating and it’s causing me to have high social anxiety.

I know I’m trying to cope with all these changes, and I know I’ll make it work. I guess I felt the need to update my Tumblr. All in all, I have to pull through.

Made some matcha this morning (:

Hmmm let’s see....

Yup good haha I likes this one

Yummm (:

Privacy

I have officially opted to put my Tumblr on private ( I think haha...). I have a lot of personal things going on at the moment and just wish to share it in private.

My mom made me a lei tonight and told me how incredibly proud she is of me. My parents are probably my biggest stress at the moment....I knew the day would come when the roles would reverse, and honestly, I never bothered to take my “what will I do” question seriously. It’s one thing to be an only child, it’s another to have your parents divorced...and it’s another to feel a lot of pressure to be (feel like) the only one to take care of them as they get older. My mom told me she’s thankful that I’ve grown up to be the way I am. I told her that I’m **scared** to take on the responsibility and I just want them to be okay.

My parents and I will be ok. I think I just needed a moment.

Distracting myself from the voices in my head

Too Soon

I fucking spoke too soon. I should’ve known this was all too good to be true

1 Year Anniversary

Me and P celebrated our 1 year. If felt so weird to say since I feel like it’s been more than a year. We were able to get our actual date off and he surprised me by taking us to The Lighthouse in LB, super cute! Then we ended the night off with his family and getting wasted lol Last year we got together in Vegas in Memorial Day weekend so we felt it be best to bring it baaack and celebrate our 1 year there. I ended up getting 2 LCDs that week and since P couldn’t get 1 he ended up calling off and we kicked started our Anni weekend a day earlier than expected. We stayed at the Trump Hotel (really really nice place) and honestly......from start to end it was the most respected trip I could ask for. We hardly posted much (except for Kygo- duh! We had to shout out the DJ that brought us full circle! Back story- we saw Kygo last year before we got together) and just enjoyed each other’s company. This weekend brought us so much closer and maybe it’s this feeling that I felt things between us may have happened sooner than expected, but I can’t explain how amazing it is that after the time we’ve been together.....I know myself so much better and how much of a blessing it is to have met someone who understands me— how comforting it feels that I met someone who knows how I process emotions and can say something with such wisdom and clarity that I don’t need to feel so anxious or depressed.

I noticed I don’t really post much on my Tumblr anymore. I’ll vent here and there but not as much. I started this Tumblr as a gateway to help voice all the emotions I had in my head. Since I met P, I honestly have felt so much peace in my heart. We are NOT a perfect couple I still have my qualities that bother him and he does have those qualities that piss me off, but in the end...I am so happy. I’m grateful for him and can’t wait to continue to grow together.

books-n-quotes

“First admit that you are unhappy. Then admit why. Then understand you need to let go. Allow yourself a moment. Breathe in the moment deeply. Then the healing will begin.”

— Nikita Gill, How to Start Healing

Scared

Looking up Psychologists at 28 has a different feeling than when my mom found them for me when I was younger.

Don’t think I’ve been this vulnerable in awhile. The anxiety is eating me up and is actually affecting my health- frequent migraines, vision changes, chest pain, and short of breathe.

Opened up to my mom and Peter..don’t think I’ve cried the way I did last night in a long time and it frightens me a lot..

I should probably stop typing bc I feel my heart starting to beat faster and my chest starting to burn.

It will all be ok, Tracy.

We’ll get through this.

maybe-you-need-this

kushandwisdom

“Give people time. Give people space. Don’t beg anyone to stay. Let them roam. What’s meant for you will always be yours.”

—

Reyna Biddy

(via thelovenotebook)

Hurt but not surprised.

I wish I could say I put enough effort than I presumed I did, goes to show I only lust and gamble to wish/desire what I deserve.

I realized that what may seem easy to some will continue to be a different pathway for me. I was always a different thinker. Am I mad at my results? No. I’m hurt, but not surprised.

First things first, I need to change my routine and drive. I need to change my setting.

I’m at fault if I blame it on anything/anyone/any living circumstance/work schedule.

Goes to show I didn’t want it the most, as I truly thought I did.

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