Hi, again, everyone... Last anyone's heard from me was around—I want to say, 1-2 months ago? Something like that. And back then, I had a goal I consistently wanted to achieve, but never really gave anything towards it—to make a tulpa, hopefully vocal by the new year. I failed, miserably—not because it didn't work, but because I didn't work. I never was entirely sure of how much of a commitment something like this really could turn out to be—creating a person. For the most part, I was completely wishy-washy, not even learning anything before jumping in. That's not to mention—I never even jumped in in the first place. Most say those who do not know their history are doomed to repeat it. The predicament with me—and any of those out there who have encountered similar issues—is that I knew of my history. Each time, heading back in saying "I'm gonna do it—this time around," I was aware of the last try I made—repeating that very same line. The truth is—I really do want a tulpa. I'm lonely, depressed, unmotivated, and bored to absolute death—not to mention life in it's entirety. I have longed my entire life for someone who I could emphasize with, go on adventures with, go through life with. A sister, actually—that was who I wanted back when I was little. And now I have that chance. Yet, I feel absolutely terrible every day for not doing anything. I literally have been wasting my days just sitting around and moping. I want to—to do something, but I just feel like I can't. And it would kill me if I finally gained that push, that surge of motivation to create Adrea, only to lose it again once she's there and not want to do anything again. I know that if I had a tulpa she would try to help me, but the "What if?" factor still gets me. Moreover, in case anyone's wondering how long I've wasted, I checked when I first found out about tulpas. It's been eight months—I could have a fully sentient Adrea right now. On the subject of actually forcing, my knowledge is about up to par. I've done my research over the time I've known about tulpas, and know how to do it. I also have plenty of time, even with the amount of schoolwork I receive. I know that I could do it if I seriously wanted to—and do—it's just a matter of motivation. The irony of this situation is that I've been through it many times over quite a few years back—when I first stumbled upon lucid dreaming. The energy needed just to keep a dream journal—let alone perform reality checks—was absolutely intense, and after a few months of stopping and continuing I was ready to call it quits. But then, by chance, I literally had one—and over the span of the next year, I achieved five more—crushing my doubts for more crazier scientific phenomenon such as tulpas. After a while, I finally lost the motivation and agreed to come back to it at a future date. I don't want that to happen to me with tulpamancy. I have a burning desire to go through with this, for I know she'll change my life for the better. Not, to mention, that once I achieve vocality, I wanted to pick up lucid dreaming again and try it with her. But I can't just give up midway—not with a tulpa. I go through with this, or I don't try at all—simple as that. What I think I'm trying to say here is that I don't want to be that guy I saw online a few days ago who kept trying for over four years, only to give up. Four. Years. I want to tulpaforce, to lucid dream, to be a part of this wonderful community. I know if I want it, I've gotta give it my best. I'm just...not sure how. But I do desire to begin before December. —Tyler Cross
