Tumbleweed Pastry

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At the latest Trump rally, a mysterious man claiming to be the late Charlie Kirk made an appearance.

The man was heard saying, “Stop the rally! I’m here! I’m still alive! You need to believe me. I’m Charlie Kirk. I’m Charlie Kirk! You have to believe me! They didn’t kill me. I wasn’t killed. I’ve been watching my empire crumble after everyone thought I died. Erika’s changing her last name! Fuck! It’s really me! I’m really Charlie Kirk!”

But nobody believed him. The Maga crowd surrounded him and pushed him to the ground. He screamed as they kicked him, and then brutally tore into his stomach and started pulling out little bits of meat like children pulling candy out of a piñata.

“Aaaaaaaah! Stop it! Not my tummy! That hurts stop it! Stop it now! I… I’m blacking out…” The man screamed. The Secret Service broke up the crowd and took the man away, his blood staining the ground below him. They loaded him into the back of a black, unmarked van. He has not been seen since.

What are your thoughts on this?

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Seth Macfarlane, character actor of Roger the Alien from, ‘The American Dad,’ reportedly had a date with 9/11, but stood her up.

“I’m heartbroken. What a fucking dick.” 9/11 is quoted as saying.

“I had a hangover and just couldn’t make it to the plane.” Macfarlane responded.

Any theories on this?

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Yesterday, President Donald John Trump visited the glorious state of Wisconsin. After a long, long, totally not rambling talk about various things, like how prices are wonderful right now, and everything wrong with our country is the fault of the Democrats, Trump left a heartwarming message to the hardworking farmers of the Cheese State.

“Love has many different meanings, obviously no president can love their fans in the same way that they "love" their family or their best friends, but that doesn't mean they can't express love and care for them at all.” Trump started saying.

“I can say that I love kittens, even if I've not personally interacted with every kitten. I've interacted with enough to know that I have a lot of care and affection for all of them. If I'm told about a kitten being hurt or going through something rough, my heart can hurt.” Trump continued, tears welling up in his eyes.

“I genuinely love and care about you guys, and that's the best way that I can describe it. You are like a whole bunch of kittens and I love you. Not every president will feel the same as me, and that's fine, but I'm being genuine every time I say it. I love you and care about you.” Trump closed out, smiling and crying.

What are your thoughts on this? Would you eat the president’s actual shit if he tells you it’s chocolate, like all of the remaining members of Maga do?

Discuss.

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King Charlie the 3 plans on changing the official measurement system of the U.K. from Stone to Dollars.

“What the fuck is a Stone? A Dollar is 100 cents, which is tangible every time. But a Stone? That’s just the weight of a rock once. And rocks? Those are all varieties of weights. Stones are all different sizes. It makes no sense. Plus, this will balance the world out, what with the U.S. calling their measurement system ‘Pounds.’ Thank you all for understanding my views. I love you.” King Charlie the 3 is quoted as saying.

The change is to go into effect effective immediately. What are your thoughts on this?

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Jeffrey Dahmer Preston Jorgensen, better known as Jeff Bezos, star of ‘Star Trek Beyond (2016),’ just had a rocket ship explode.

Lol. Lmao, even. Approximated to cost $1-$1.5 Billion, the rocket exploded. Just like that. Due to static. It’s so funny, that you just gotta laugh!

When asked about it, all Bezos said was, “I didn’t know it could do that.”

Will you be laughing, too?

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Elon Keanu Reeves Musk is planning on taking a trip under the water to find The Lost City of Atlantis.

Following a map he found on Reddit, Musk is to plunge to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. He is set to take off in the brand new, secretly-developed SpaceX Submersible.

“I made the Cybertruck all on my own, I’m sure I can pilot a submarine. Easy peasy.” Musk is quoted as saying in an interview.

Musk is set to livestream his adventure to popular livestreaming platform Twitch, where viewers will be able to donate ‘bits’ to him to make him do various things, such as posting memes to Twitter, (Formerly X, (Formerly Twitter,)) or to do a math problem as long as the numbers don’t go into the double digits.

His journey will start on June 1st, 2026. Will you be watching?

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Chaos erupted at the Oscars Awards Show tonight, May 21st, 2026, as Will Smith slapped Chris Rock.

“Keep my fucking mouth away from your asshole, you fucking jagoff!” Smith yelled before vaulting onto the stage at breakneck speeds and slapping Chris Rock in the face. The sound of the impact was audible from all around the planet. Sourced are calling it the, ‘Slap heard ‘round the world.’

This one act caused ripples all around history. Scientists are suggesting that it was now the cause of the infamous Roswell Aliens to appear, the reason behind the disappearance of D. B. Cooper, and what told those guys to dress up as Max Headroom and hijack those two Chicago TV stations back in 1987.

The damage this one slap has done to history has only just begun to be discovered, and our researchers at Tumbleweed Pastry are hard at work to discover more altered historical events.

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Reports indicate that Michael B. Jordan is happy to be back in contact with his lesser-known twin brother, Michael A. Jordan, again.

After reuniting for the movie ‘Sinners,’ Michael B. and Michael A. are finally back in each other’s lives. “I’m just so happy that him and I are talking again.” Michael B. said in an interview.

“I’ve missed him. I really have.” The two brothers then proceeded to embrace each other, and smile widely and warmly at the cameras together. “Thank you, Ryan Coogler, for bringing us back together!”

What do you think of this?

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Marilyn Manson is reportedly excited to watch Rick and Morty Season 9.

Manson is quoted as saying, “I can’t wait to smoke that epic Szechuan weed out of my Pickle Rick bong. And yes, it does look like a penis.”

The former Family Guy guest star then proceeded to roll up his sleeve slightly to reveal a sterling silver Spider-Man watch. “See that shit? That’s what real wealth looks like.”

Manson proceeded to reach into his wallet, and throw several cards from the card game, ‘Disney Lorcana,’ at our reporter as if they were shurikens.

“I am the ninja of the night.” Manson yelled, before nearly tripping over his chair as he runs out of the interview room, right after failing to do that trick where you lift up a sheet in front of you and run away really fast to make it look like you disappeared. He was nowhere near fast enough to pull it off.

What are your thoughts on this?

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“Think of this as a final warning, per se.” Vice President Elect Jersey Devil ‘JD’ Vance said in a White House press conference today.

“I have given you all chance after chance to show me even an ounce of respect. You’re all animals. You’re all fucking insane and so god damn unfair. I hate you. I hate you all. I can’t stand all of you fucking imbeciles. You are god damn bugs comparing yourself to me. I am a fucking god. I was the one to buy the $1000 ransom for the final episode of The Amazing Digital Circus. And I don’t even like the show.”

“I have all of the power. If you little fucking insects don’t thank me for serving this stupid, stupid country, I will go on national television and say what happens to each and every one of the characters. All of the woke bullshit that happens. You know that purple bunny? Jack? Yeah. Yeah what happens to him is so fucking woke. You won’t believe it. But I will say it. I’ll spoil the entire thing. I’ll federally mandate that every television channel in the United States plays my broadcast all at once.”

“If you think about stepping out of line one more fucking time, then remember that I currently have access to the finale biggest show in the god damn world right now. You’re all fucking done. All of you. Good fucking day.”

Wow. That was a lot.

After his speech, Vance went ahead made all of the USA watch as he ate 7 entire Fool’s Gold loafs, then downed it all with a gallon of whole milk.

May god save us all.

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James Corbin Bleu and Jared Letto are going to get gay married to each other. The problem? James is a country boy, and Jared is an emo boy.

Several places in the news media are all abuzz with questions such as, “Is it really possible for an emo boy and a country boy to be in a relationship?”

Their wedding will be themed after animated sitcom, “Rick and Morty.” Will you be showing up?

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“I’d fuck the shit out of him if he were a girl. Strap or no strap.” Ellen D. Generous, owner and operator of The Ellen Show, is quoted as saying when asked for her thoughts on Star Wars legend General Grievous.

“It’s just something about his four arms… and that horrible yucky cough he has… if he was a girl, oh boy. I’d be sweating even more than I am now.” Generous said on a 93° Tuesday Afternoon while wearing a turtleneck and slacks.

“I just wonder if he would even like a girl like me… sigh. Girl x girl… what a world we live in where that can just happen.”

What are your thoughts on this?

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Jimmy Kimmel to adopt a brand new type of creature never before seen.

“Japan is making creatures you’ve never even heard of before, man. Shit’s fuckin’ crazy. You ever seen one of these things? Insane shit, man. It’s like a dog but not.” Kimmel said in an exclusive interview.

Kimmel is to adopt this creature soon, sources say. Will you still support him?

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Attention Alf heads! Taylor Swift will play Alf’s wife, Alfalfa, in the highly anticipated movie, ‘Alf: New Dawn.’

Production begins on June 1st. Will you be watching?

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What are your thoughts on this?

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Shocking events unfold as tensions between Jennifer Tilly and Melvin, Brother of the Joker boil over. The two of them have decided to duke it out in a game of poker.

“That fucker needs to be put in his place.” Tilly said. Melvin reportedly did the ‘Take The L’ emote on the crosswalk in front of Tilly’s car, and she did not take kindly to that.

The match is set to take place on June 30th, 2026. Will you be tuned in?

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Megan Fox said that her favorite cartoon is ‘Steven Universe.’ She says her favorite song is, ‘It’s Over, Isn’t It?”

‘Steven Universe’ is an American animated television series created by Rebecca Sugar for Cartoon Network. It tells the coming-of-age story of a young boy, Steven Universe (Zach Callison), who lives with the Crystal Gems—magical, mineral-based aliens named Garnet (Estelle), Amethyst (Michaela Dietz) and Pearl (Deedee Magno Hall)—in the fictional town of Beach City. Steven, who is half-Gem, has adventures with his friends and helps the Gems protect the world from their own kind. The pilot premiered in May 2013, and the series ran for five seasons, from November 2013 to January 2019. The television film Steven Universe: The Movie was released in September 2019, and an epilogue limited series, Steven Universe Future, ran from December 2019 to March 2020. Books, comics, video games and soundtracks based on the series have also been released.

What is your favorite cartoon?