Been thinking about a friend... A friend I felt I could be in love with if he had felt the same romantic feelings.... January of 2009 I laid it all out in an email to him. I had last seen him July 2008 but we'd talked on the phone every 2-3 weeks... We'd kept up a good bout of banter. But Tomorrow is his birthday, June 21st, and we've not talked for about a year now. Before that it had been 4 months, and before that a couple if months or so. I want to call, but... I wonder now if I remind him of when he did drink, or if he thinks I'm clinging to something he can't give... Well, ok. I miss him, his voice, his writing, his laugh, his stories, his friendship. And again, I love my friends loyally and lifelong. So, to commemorate my confession of love, here's a peek at what I say on paper when I am spilling out my heart to someone. And his kind response. ------ January 24, 2009 Friend, I was going to write this in facebook but then I thought it silly. I'm 3 glasses in on the best wine I've had in ages. But then again, I might be a lightweight again 'cause I haven't really drank much the 4 months I have been here in Oklahoma. Entirely possible. [rambling about the wine and cider I've been trying in Oklahoma, then a paragraph about figuring out how to write some violent scenes in my poetry book] I'm going to write this, here, and I know we're friends. We'll be lifelong friends. And writing comrades. You know you can always send me your work and I will be as honest and forthright about what I think of it as I can. It takes a bit of time because I have to work through my initial "oh God this is so good" to the "hmm, these lines need something more." But that's only because I love you. And I want the best for you. And that's why when you may find someone to be yourself with, I want to know and be happy for you. How else am I to feel? Truly. I don't know what else to say, 'cause I've said it over a hundred times to myself, to you, but its not about how often or how long. There's no need to respond to this, really. And don't think that just because I am tipsy I've written this. Its part of it, but not all of it. The feeling has been there, a long time, way before I ever said "strong feelings for you." Good God how ridiculous was I to simplify it that April night? Very Thomas Hardy. Have you ever known someone, for a long time, and felt increasingly close to them, and then the point comes when you feel both their friend and the desire to be more? I am first and foremost your friend; come to me with girl troubles and I will advise as best to my modern day knowledge as I can and you will know I would never sabotage or whathaveyou. Writing issues, I can listen and may have ideas. Other life stuff, who knows, maybe I have walked a similar path. When a person loves another they love them because they want them to be happy. That goes for friends and admirers. I'm being random and rambly. Talk about self-induced anxiety. I miss you. And yes, I love you. I always will, no matter what happens in our lives, who or what comes or goes or stays, whatever happens or not. Life is indeed a rollercoaster; the moon and sun the witnesses. And with 1785 miles between us, we are friends as we will always be, phone and email between. I've rambled. I've spoken. I've said my peace/piece. Take it. Keep it. Know it sincere. True. Peace be with you, as always, Friend -------- Hey there miss Friend, [Hello, and comments about trying to call but the phone service ending the call, snow and bad weather...] About your letter. You know I'm not good at being explicit about my feelings or about what particular individuals mean to me. But now that it's been brought up, you should know, and I hope you already sense it, that I definitely do love you as one of my, perhaps, dearest and most valued friends. I do not know if I've met anyone in my life with as pure and a compassionate and warm heart as you. There is no malice or coldness in you. And of course, your perspective and friendship as an artist and writer (for someone who feels isolated in his art) is absolutely priceless to me. And as far as my feelings, I suppose they're my tragic flaw. There is something in my mentality that will not let me be attracted to someone who I know my heart is insync with. My body only lets me be attracted to persons whom my heart knows won't remain in my life--I don't seem to have a problem with being close to people, but I think I am crippled by fear and therefore incapable of being romantically close to someone with whom I know the relationship could work. I don't think I'm strong enough to handle true closeness, I always feel like I'm being scalded and my skin is blistering. But these people, do become my truest friends--there's simply something in me, and it terrifies me to realize this, that will not allow myself to be romantically close to something sincere and long-lasting. Therefore, my Greek tragic flaw. [comments about writing] Yours, Friend
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