I'm an ENTJ. I have a really hard time making friends, even though I don't have a hard time connecting with people. At social gatherings I have no trouble talking to new people, and people seem to enjoy talking to me, or at least they don't seem bothered or burdened. But I never make any contact that lasts for longer than the event. I think I might be lacking when it comes to being personal when I talk to people, I probably come off as guarded. Occasionally I get more personal, especially (1/2)
[con’t: when not sober, but that doesn’t seem to have any effect on the relationship, it seems I just can’t make people interested in my company in the long term. I’m more relaxed and get a more genuine connection with strangers I have sex with than with recurring people at social gatherings. I think I’m very much stuck in the EJ problem of public/private persona. How do I break this pattern? I really want to make friends, to hang out with and do fun activities with, but I don’t seem to know how to.]
There are several possible reasons why entjs have difficulty developing deeper relationships: 1) Oversimplistic Te: They approach relationships too instrumentally or functionally, sort of like a business transaction, so if a person is not defined as “useful”, the relationship is likely to be seen as “useless” which decreases the motivation to maintain it. The remedy would be to realize that there’s much more to relationships than what services can be rendered/exchanged. Te is not only about functionality, efficiency, or results, it is also about developing a sense of responsibility. When you feel personally responsible for contributing to the well-being of other people, you’ll be motivated to go the extra mile in relationships and thus make greater strides because you’re not just in it for yourself. Unhealthy Te is even worse, of course, because such individuals perceive socializing in terms of power differentials and they treat relationships as zero-sum games of survival of the strongest or who can dominate whom.
2) Overindulging Ni: It is common for NJs to have a problem with wanting “meaningful” relationship but they never define what “meaningful” is and thus spend their time either not knowing what they’re looking for and/or carrying around very narrow and unrealistic beliefs about what is considered “meaningful”. The remedy to this is to clarify what exactly it is you’re seeking that would make relationships more satisfying for you, at least satisfying enough for you to want to invest time and energy into them. Reflect on your standards for defining what a “good”, “close”, “intimate” relationship is and whether your criteria are realistic, reasonable, and fair. When you have clear criteria to guide your judgment, you can set a proper goal and achieve it.
3) Unhealthy Se: NJs tend to have a poor or dysfunctional relationship to the body and this can affect relationships because physical intimacy is an important aspect of many relationships. They might have difficulty reconciling the disconnect between physical and emotional intimacy. They might conflate physical intimacy with emotional intimacy because physical intimacy is something that they perceive as a “vulnerability”. The remedy to this is to develop a better relationship to your physicality so that it is not a barrier and/or used as a crutch into emotional intimacy. In other words, if you can only achieve “genuineness” via sex, then you’re using sex as a crutch instead of solving the actual problem of emotional unavailability.
4) Underdeveloped Fi: This is where most problems tend to stem from because the F functions are the ones that are ideally suited to handling relationships, so an unhealthy F function is always a barrier. You can be a very morally principled person, as many entjs I’ve met admirably are, but if you are incapable of emotional investment, then there is no “glue” to bond you with others. Unhealthy or dysfunctional relationship to feeling life is a big problem for anyone of any type. When you’re not in touch with your feelings, your sense of values, and your emotional vulnerabilities, you can’t develop relationships very well because you won’t have enough cognitive empathy motivating your actions, you won’t have a sufficiently sensitive attitude towards others’ experiences, and you won’t be willing to show who you really are to others (e.g. due to the irrational fear of being exploited, losing a position of power, and/or being judged as weak).
If you suffer from the public/private divide, then you have to reflect on why that divide exists, and what benefits it brings you, but also what it COSTS you. If you understand that the divide is not always a good thing and not always necessary and is often a barrier, then you should feel motivated to dismantle it and stop relying on it. Reflect on how you can be more authentic when you relate to others, how you can show more of yourself to others, how you can show your care more visibly to others. You can’t “make” someone like/love you, but you can show them that you care about them through your words and actions, then they’ll feel more cared for and hopefully be more willing to reciprocate in kind. Deep relationships are built on giving trust and compassion, sharing authentically with each other, and the willingness to be a witness for each other’s lives - do you put out this investment of emotional commitment and do others feel your investment enough to commit to you in return? Deep relationships take time and energy to nurture, they don’t “just happen” under normal circumstances, you have to take the initiative to spend time with people and show an interest in what goes on with them. Many entjs don’t want to put out that time and energy because they care about other things more (e.g. many are workaholics), so do you have your priorities in order, is it possible for you to make the time for all the important things, or would you rather live your life in extremes? These are decisions you should make consciously with much reflection.
5) Regardless of type, ego development is also an important consideration because, if you’re too egocentric to genuinely care about someone other than yourself (i.e. you cannot see each individual as a fully separate entity that is deserving of care/consideration for their own sake, apart from you), you’ll find it hard to develop relationships because you don’t see others as being anything except tools for your use/gratification. No one likes to be treated merely as an object, so ask yourself whether you often end up seeing and treating people that way, and reflect on how you can make people feel more special (which will encourage them to enjoy your company).
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