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@turretskill-blog
Hey, I wrote a poem! Check it out: On Pandora I stand / The manliest man around / All the people swoon. Pretty ace, right? I learned how to write like that in English Lit class. Go figure.
Are you mocking me?
I know of your skills / And I know your confidence / Why waste a haiku?
Hm. Well, I mostly wrote it for people who don't, but I could write you one, too! It'll be something you had no idea about.
Fixed it!
I'd written an ode to my missus, but got stuck because "turret" is really hard to rhyme. Fixed it just now, boo-yah. This is my girlfriend, she is my gun I shoot 'er for business, and also for fun That's amore`.
Hey, I wrote a poem! Check it out: On Pandora I stand / The manliest man around / All the people swoon. Pretty ace, right? I learned how to write like that in English Lit class. Go figure.
Are you mocking me?
Wow, you thought I was making fun of you? Does it suck that hard? Harsh, I thought it was pretty good. Cruel story, bro…
It lacked tact and grace / You seem quite full of yourself / And I do not swoon.
Hey, Tact and Grace are my middle name. Well, maybe not Grace -- that's a girl's name. (Obviously...) Either way, everyone knows that confidence is the main ingredient for any Vault Hunter, and I am a good source of your daily recommended value. Part of a complete breakfast.
Oh, c’mon! Don’t you get it? That was hilarious. They don’t make minions like they used to.
This is a robot-eat-minion world. I’m just showin’ you the ropes, and I got plenty more where that came from.
Yeah, yeah, you can eat me, alright. You know, I left the military to get away from douche-canoes who think they know everything telling me what to do all the time! (and because I got dishonorably discharged, but that's not the point) You're just mad because my girlfriend thinks you're a skeeze.
"Turrets kill" can also be "turret skill."
Turrets kill with turret skill. Poetic word-combo orgasm.
Soooo... can you see me all the time? Like, /all/ the time?
That depends on where you are, friend. I have access to most places wired into Pandora’s networks. And… some places I’d rather not.
In short, no, not all the time. I think we can both be grateful for that.
I don’t think anyone’s ever invited me to a poker game before. Wait a moment while I download a few guides.
Yessssssssssss. I'll go easy on you, since it's your first time and all. I'm competitive, but I'm not a douchebag.
Hey Maya, you ever use your powers for really mundane crap? Every time I think about what I'd do if I had superpowers, all I can think about is doing everything I do normally but with 100% more shiny.
This is the kind of stuff you think about in your downtime?
I didn’t suggest it. You made it up. I’d try to talk you out of it, but I know how that goes.
Just try not to explode yourself or anyone else.
Hey, if you don't want the glory, then that is fiiiiiine with me. I'll also take this as you opting out of any future royalties, by the way. Just an FYI. I can't make any promises on the amount of explosions until I figure out what bullet-gardening actually is.
If I were a gun I'd be a Jakobs revolver.
Oh, screw you! That was funny. I’m funny. In fact, I got a joke right now:
what’s the difference between a sharp-lookin’ guy on a bicycle and a shaggy-looking guy on a bicycle?
What, you’re dusting off your old jokes and parading them out in front of me? I’m touched, minion. Flattered, thrilled, aflutter! But please, save yourself the embarrassment and let your bestie Claptrap break it down for you.
Why can’t the bandit juggle? Because he didn’t have the balls to do it!
You... you didn't even let me get to the punchline, man. That's... that's really low.
Soooo... can you see me all the time? Like, /all/ the time?
That depends on where you are, friend. I have access to most places wired into Pandora’s networks. And… some places I’d rather not.
In short, no, not all the time. I think we can both be grateful for that.
I’m not going to ask.
Your bucket list includes playing poker with an artificial intelligence? That’s surprisingly… specific and convenient.
What better way to test the capacity of an AI for mercy, compassion and the ability to lie than via a game of Truxican Hold ‘Em? Alright, so maybe we don’t really need to test your kindness as you’re obviously very nice, but I still wanna see if an AI can bluff. You don’t gotta understand where these dreams come from to help me achieve them, sweetheart. To be honest, I’m not really sure I do.
Hey Maya, you ever use your powers for really mundane crap? Every time I think about what I'd do if I had superpowers, all I can think about is doing everything I do normally but with 100% more shiny.
This is the kind of stuff you think about in your downtime?
Yeeeaaaaah. Well, mostly. Sometimes I think about my past and all the mistakes I’ve made, and I say to myself, “could I have done better? Maybe if I’d done something a little different, I wouldn’t be on this ass-crack planet full of crazies and broken dreams.” Then I remember I don’t get in trouble for reckless explosions here, and my thoughts go right back to whether or not painting a grenade like a piece of fruit would be enough to trick a Psycho into eating one. Oh, and also deciding on the title of my autobiography.
At least you’re making the most of it. In your own, interesting way.
Have you ever thought of picking up a hobby? Checkers, reading, stamp collecting, or gardening?
None of those things involve bullets. Unless bullet-gardening is a thing I can do. I don't even know what that could conceivably entail and I am so loving it. In fact, I love you for suggesting it.
Hey, I wrote a poem! Check it out: On Pandora I stand / The manliest man around / All the people swoon. Pretty ace, right? I learned how to write like that in English Lit class. Go figure.
Are you mocking me?
Wow, you thought I was making fun of you? Does it suck that hard? Harsh, I thought it was pretty good. Cruel story, bro...
You ever wonder what it would be like to be turned into a girl or a guy for a day?
Just for one day. I know it's not just me. Come on. Yes, I am bored.
If I were a gun I'd be a Jakobs revolver.
'cuz I fire as fast as you can pull the trigger! …actually, let me take that back.
C’mon, minion. You call that comedic genius? You need a few lessons from yours truly. All I need is your eternal worship and a new bottle of oil, and we’ll get started!
Oh, screw you! That was funny. I'm funny. In fact, I got a joke right now: what's the difference between a sharp-lookin' guy on a bicycle and a shaggy-looking guy on a bicycle?
Soooo... can you see me all the time? Like, /all/ the time?
That depends on where you are, friend. I have access to most places wired into Pandora’s networks. And… some places I’d rather not.
In short, no, not all the time. I think we can both be grateful for that.
Huh. I'm actually weirdly disappointed, and I... don't really wanna think of why that might be. Subject segue: know what we should do sometime? Poker. I've never played poker with an artificial intelligence before and I think that's on my bucket list.
Hey Maya, you ever use your powers for really mundane crap? Every time I think about what I'd do if I had superpowers, all I can think about is doing everything I do normally but with 100% more shiny.
This is the kind of stuff you think about in your downtime?
Yeeeaaaaah. Well, mostly. Sometimes I think about my past and all the mistakes I've made, and I say to myself, "could I have done better? Maybe if I'd done something a little different, I wouldn't be on this ass-crack planet full of crazies and broken dreams." Then I remember I don't get in trouble for reckless explosions here, and my thoughts go right back to whether or not painting a grenade like a piece of fruit would be enough to trick a Psycho into eating one. Oh, and also deciding on the title of my autobiography.
Kinda glad Hammerlock didn't roll with "Bonerfarts" for Bullymongs.
It would've ruined pretty much all the bragging you could do about killing those. And all the epic moments when you save people, too. [With a falsetto] "Oh, mister soldier! Thank you so much for saving me from those vicious Bonerfarts!" "It was no problem at all, ma'am. I haven't met a single Bonerfart I couldn't handle." "My whole family was killed by Bonerfarts..." "Don't worry. I've tackled little baby Bonerfarts, and Bonerfarts so huge they could throw tanks. Guess you could call me an expert on Bonerfarts." "I'm so glad! You're my hero, the Bonerfart Slayer!" Yeah. No.
If I were a gun I'd be a Jakobs revolver.
'cuz I fire as fast as you can pull the trigger! ...actually, let me take that back.
