13may

ti:wi💭 tuttiffruti | mylkiku as author [email protected]

[tuttiffruti]

be patient when you're becoming someone you haven't been before

That strange, transitional period where I'm actively trying to grow, to change, to become someone new. I'm learning to set boundaries or trying to be more confident, or healing from something that broke me.

There is a vision of this future self, somehow it's kinda feel I'm working so hard to get there. But I'm not there yet, and it feels messy...

Something I have to whisper to myself on the hard days. "Be patient when you're becoming someone you haven't been before."

It sounds simple but it's one of the hardest things to practice.

I expect growth to be linear, a straight shot from point A to point B. I plant a seed and want to see a fully bloomed flower the next morning.

Tiwi.. that's not how anything real works.

This journey of becoming is more like learning to walk. I stumble, I fall, a lot. One day I speak up for myself in meeting and I feel powerful. The next day I let an old habit creep back in, and I feel like a fraud.

I learnt, this inconsistency isn't failure. It's practice. It's the reality to rewiring my brain and my heart.

It's so easy to get frustrated with myself in this phase. "Why aren't I better at this by now? Why do I keep making the same mistake?"

We live in a world seen as instant gratification, where we see everyone's polished final products. But we rarely see the messy and beautiful process.

We see the promotion, not the years of doubt.

We see the happy relationship, not the difficult healing that made it possible.

We can't compare our behind-the-scene struggle to everyone else's highlight reel, can we?

I learnt, my journey isn't a performance. It's a process of unfolding.

So how I find that patience? For me, it starts with self compassion. It's about changing the inner voice from critic to a friend. Instead of saying "You're suck! You're failed again" - I said "That was really hard, It's okay. What did we learn? What do we have to do next?

I imagine myself talking to a small child who is still learning at anything. I wouldn't yell at them for getting wrong, I'd gently guide them "You're so close! let's try again."

I learnt, I have to become that gentle guide for myself.

I think growth isn't always about the grand result. It's also about the quite, invisible choices you make, moment by moment, to honor the person you're becoming.

Did you pause for two seconds before reacting in anger? That's a win.

Did you catch a negative thought and choose not to believe it? That's a huge win.

I'm carving new pathways. That takes time. It takes repetition. It take grace. I'm becoming them with every single breath, every stumble, and every small, brave step forward.

\\

So today - next day or years coming - be patient with yourself. Acknowledge how far you've come. Trust the timing of your unfolding.

You're allowed to be masterpiece and work in progress at the same time.

Be gentle, you're becoming you've never been before. That is truly wonderful, courageous thing.

-----

a letter for 2025 me

19.12.25

[tuttiffruti]

tun pantun

ikan patin nelen paku

yakin nih ga kangen aku?

[tuttiffruti]

Dear the person I'll become

At first I didn’t expect this.

We talked about everything, we shared stories. Slowly he became part of my routine.

I saw a side of him that not everyone saw. The tired side, the uncertain side. The side that carried burdens he didn't always talk about - to anyone else.

Not because I was trying to earn his feeling, not because I expected him to owe me something. I stayed because I cared.

When he needed someone to listen, I listened. When he needed encouragement, I reminded him of who he was. I helped however I could because his well being mattered to me.

Dear the person I'll become

You don't know you'll have a feeling for someone you eventually have to let go. The ending will never come all at once, it'll come quitely. Like a sunset you don't notice until the sky is already dark.

The conversations will become different, the closeness will fade away. The feeling you once talked about will stop sounding real. And one day, the person who knew your heart will become someone you no longer know how to reach.

When it ended, you don't lose someone. You lost a friend.

Tiwi, someday when the day comes. When you think of him, you'll not remember the heartbreak. You'll remember the friendship, you'll remember the man who trusted you with the pieces of himself he didn't show everyone else.

Maybe the story started wasn't meant to last forever, maybe it was only meant to be part of each other's becoming. Maybe that's okay.

Because despite everything, you'll have no regret to have that feeling for him.

You'll leave the story where it belongs. Not in bitterness, not in regret. But in gratitude.

Because before he becomes memory, he was a blessing.

......

At least we got the story, and for a while that story is one of my favorite. It was beautiful.

15.07.26

[tuttiffruti]

pergilah sedih

pergilah resah

jauhkanlah aku dari salah prasangka

pergilah gundah, jauhkan resah

lihat segalanya lebih dekat

dan ku bisa menilai lebih bijaksana

[tuttiffruti]

11.05.26 somewhere at South Jakarta

[tuttiffruti]

If they wanted to, they would

"Kalau mau, pasti usaha", titik.

Padahal hubungan antara manusia jauh lebih kompleks.

Kadang orang keliatan "Nggak usaha" bukan karena dia nggak peduli atau nggak mau melakukan sesuatu, bisa jadi karena kapasitasnya sedang kecil.

Mungkin lagi capek secara emosional, masih belajar mengelola perasaan, belum punya pengalaman, atau lagi menghadapi hal berat yang nggak tau cara bagi ke orang lain gimana.

Di sisi lain, kebutuhan kita juga valid. Kita pengin diperhatikan, ditanya, dipastikan. Nggak salah punya ekspektasi itu.

Masalahnya sering kali bukan pada "Niat", tapi antara kapasitas dan kebutuhan yang tidak sejajar.

Satu pihak merasa "Aku udah usaha sebisaku", pihak lain merasa "Tapi buat aku belum cukup". Keduanya punya nilai emosional yang benar.

Bukan soal "Dia nggak niat", bukan juga "Kamu kebanyakan minta".

Kadang ritmenya lagi beda dan kapasitasnya beda.

Kadang juga hubungan sesama manusia lebih terlihat ideal kalau orangnya sama-sama mau dan sama-sama mampu.

Tapi itu kadang, jadi nggak selalu.

10.05.26

[tuttiffruti]

"they used you"

No,

They experience a love most people pray for. If they wasted it, that's on them not me. I have plenty to give.

What I give may doesn't always return, but what I give will always be who I am. It will find its back when it's time and sometimes it will be in other forms.

27.02.26

[tuttiffruti]

a cat just cried, the words he read

Dear cat,

I was counting my blessings last year and I thought u should know you’re one of them. I’m writing this because my heart is full and I have nowhere else to put these words.

I love you.

It’s quiet and warm, a steady love that doesn’t go away just because we’re apart. It’s kind of love that makes me want to reach out every time I see a cat video or every time I see something that reminds me of you.

I see the weight you carry, I see how hard you try to be “enough” and how much struggle with the pressure of the future. I wish you could see yourself with my eyes, not as someone who “can’t provide”, but as the most hardworking, kind, and sincere cat I’ve ever met.

I’m so proud of every small step you take, even the ones you take away from me.

I’m giving you to Allah, 

I’m changing my prayers from “give him to me” to “guide his heart to You”

I’ll keep my love right here, I’ll keep working on myself, deepening my faith, and holding onto the peace I’ve found.

I love you enough to let u grow, even if I’m not the one holding your hand. This letter acts as a lil reminder, you're also someone else special person.

[tuttiffruti]

Missing this trio

[tuttiffruti]

Kalo ditanya hari ini gimana kerjanya? Cape atau ga?

Ya pasti kangen bgt lah tapi mau gimana lagi.

[tuttiffruti]

"If cats could talk, they wouldn't. Sama kaya kamu."

Kalimat yang kembali mengundang tatapan tanya. Seperti bisa membaca pikiran, kadang orang ingin bercerita, tapi dia nggak mau. Kadang ingin berbicara, tapi dia masih nggak mau.

"Kamu pernah denger nggak? Cats have it all: admiration, an endless sleep, and company only when they want it,"

Kaya kucing, kamu memiliki tiga sifat seperti kucing tadi. Dikagumi banyak orang, tidur mulu, dan poin terakhir yang mengatakan bahwa kamu hanya nyaman bersama dengan orang yang kamu inginkan. Nyatanya kamu merasa dikuliti dengan kalimat barusan, kan?

"Do cats get lonely?"

Emang iya? Menurut kamu kayanya nggak.

“Cats do, and they’re not happy about it”

Kadang meskipun templatenya kucing komplek, kamu nggak perlu terlalu stecu gitu (setelan cuek).

"It's okay to ask first,"

Wajar manusia bertanya atau meminta dulu.

Kadang kamu menahan diri untuk bertanya, meminta, atau berbicara terlebih dahulu karena takut akan penilaian orang lain. Takut terlihat bodoh, tidak nyambung, atau merasa tidak perlu padahal ingin. Hal kecil tentang ketakutan untuk memulai itu kadang justru menghilangkan kesempatan yang kamu punya dan berakhir menjadi pribadi yang pasrah dan menerima keadaan, serta menyesal.

Jika dari dulu kamu sedikit berani untuk berbicara atau sekedar bertanya pada orang lain, mungkin kamu akan lebih menghargai diri sendiri, lebih percaya diri, dan lebih bisa percaya kepada orang lain.

Kalo menurut kamu,

“Kenapa anak kucing dan anak anjing suka berantem?”

It's okay to ask first, coba aja.

“Kenapa?”

“Namanya juga anak-anak” ;)

———

Redemption, but made it to an inner convo

12.01.26

[tuttiffruti]

Jkt 06.01.26

[tuttiffruti]

Born to be a lover girl

I've always known love exists because of the way I love my surroundings.

Family, friends, kids, works, and everything. Even during my biggest and most harrowing heartbreaks, love was all around me.

No matter what people put me through, the lover girl in me will always be there and whoever took me for granted, it's their loss .

I'll forever be the lover girl who loves deeply, endlessly, and unapologetically.

12.12.25

[tuttiffruti]

This is called instant gratification

A blog works for me because it gives instant gratification.

Want to write -> write -> publish -> instant gratification

hehe

04.12.25

[tuttiffruti]

...

Well, now I know there are walls that I can't get over with grit and gumption alone. When I hit those walls, what I need most are knowledge, a level head up, and thoughtfulness.

Passing up the chance to learn and experience new things is just one big, fat waste.

04.12.25

[tuttiffruti]

The authority to edit this story because I’m the author…

Open this wattpad in 2025 and I have 46,6k reads with 7,54k votes. People are coming to read this story huh? 🥹

Despite of lacking in many ways cause I wrote this story only to heal myself, I still did it wholeheartedly with passion (aku beneran belajar penulisan dan abis skripsj banget waktu itu jadi EYD is just so easy wkwkkwkwk)

But to have these readers….. are never in my expectation (dan banyak dari mereka ga aku capture satu satu 😭)

Just find this story on wattpad!

[tuttiffruti]

Oikawa is for the people who feel the weight of expectations but fear they won't meet them

09.11.25