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nankingdecade

What I mean when I say "toxic monogamy culture"

the normalization of jealousy as an indicator of love

the idea that a sufficiently intense love is enough to overcome any practical incompatibilities

the idea that you should meet your partner’s every need, and if you don’t, you’re either inadequate or they’re too needy

the idea that a sufficiently intense love should cause you to cease to be attracted to anyone else

the idea that commitment is synonymous with exclusivity

the idea that marriage and children are the only valid teleological justifications for being committed to a relationship

the idea that your insecurities are always your partner’s responsibility to tip-toe around and never your responsibility to work on

the idea that your value to a partner is directly proportional to the amount of time and energy they spend on you, and it is in zero-sum competition with everything else they value in life

the idea that being of value to a partner should always make up a large chunk of how you value yourself

genderphobia-deactivated2018101

!!!

jumpingjacktrash

listen, i am super duper monogamous and i promise you all these things are toxic even in the most 100% enthusiastically exclusive relationship

even ‘commitment == exclusivity’ is toxic because no, you have to actively communicate, maintain, and respect boundaries, you can’t just assume your partner has the same definitions as you

roachpatrol

i’m pretty sure this post means ‘toxic monogamy’ just like the way people say ‘toxic masculinity’— monogamy itself isn’t inherently toxic, just like masculinity isn’t bad to be masculine! but people adhering to this really fucked up rigid and ritualized performance of the thing, in the belief that that is the correct and only way to do the thing, damages people in a lot of different ways. monogamy is a great fit for a lot of people—maybe even most people!— but the aforementioned practices are what makes it harmful to participants.

scutellatebooted

I agree with Roach’s interpretation of the post. I’m a monogamous person and I can confirm that each of these tenants of toxic monogamy have totes fucked me up and I have to actively work against their internalization daily, in the same way I have to work against my internalized misogyny.