not that you care that i’ve been gone for some time
but if you knew someone close to me, you’d know that my disappearance is a normal thing for them. they most probably are used to it. they’re used to enduring the pain of not being able to help a loved one. they’re used to sleeping at night not knowing why i don’t want to talk. they’re used to thinking that they shouldn’t ask about it, in fear of being misinterpreted as meddling, even though they really just want to help.
i recently broke up with my girlfriend (does she even like being called a girlfriend? i never asked. you get the picture of what kind of partner i was to her) of three years; would have been four on august. the time when we became official is arguable; it overlaps a former relationship i’ve been in. it’s a long, complicated story.
i didn’t say the words - technically, she did - but i initiated the break-up. i’ve been having a rough time since september (it’s always around that time that i get…cold…for a lack of better word, my guidance counsellor said that we’re not sure if it’s really depression so i won’t use that word anymore) and an even harder time come the new year. we saw each other less than ten times from january up until our break-up more than a month ago. the last time i saw her, i was a tad bit intoxicated (i only had three bottles but i was somewhere between numb and warm, and i fucking hate beer) and i didn’t even spend much time with her. that was it.
i know it wasn’t my decision to make - taking myself out of her life just because i know she’d be better off without me. she was the most beautiful human i ever met - she still is. she is made of love and good things, her beautiful face is just an added bonus. if i didn’t know any better, i would have believed she was some kind of god if anyone told me. she radiated this warmth and sometimes it burns. she shined so brigthly, and it began to hurt to look at her beside someone like me. she has so much potential, she could run the world with a single hand and why the fuck was she with someone like me??? i felt so fucking terrible and i’ve never been one to handle my emotions well. i don’t know how to communicate, especially when it’s about the things that hurt, while she tried to reach out so hard. so fucking hard. and it frustrated me to see her do that, like i’m someone special for her to beg for my attention. she simply did not deserve me.
i’ve dropped out of school because there’s just not way to salvage this current semeseter’s grades and school isn’t really a good place for me right now. i’m not very fond of running into familiar faces at my university as of the moment. i’m trying to get a job somewhere near my house because i’m a paranoid motherfucker - so i can quickly come home when something happens + i won’t be very comfortable being too far away + i can have someone come and get me when i don’t think i can handle the people/environment. it’s also so i could get myself checked, i don’t want to burden my dad anymore. he’s sick and he’s got no one to take care of him there and i just feel so fucking sorry for him. i can’t ask anyone for help. the only real family that i have are my mom and dad and they’re at their lowest right now. i want to be able to lift them somehow, even for just a little bit.
i’m trying to make myself better but i feel so many things that sometimes i feel like it’s every feeling in the world and i don’t know how to let this out and and it’s overwhelming and it’s like i’m drowning then i kind of shut down because if i don’t i feel like i’m going to explode and i know that that’s not good for anyone then nothing. suddenly empty. i know the bad things are still inside but i can’t do anything about it. i think it’s hopelessness. i started clinging to anything that could make me feel anything.
i still get the urge to run back to the things that hurt because self-destruction is so fucking addicting. i’m not even romanticizing shit right now, it’s just the truth and i fucking hate it but i can’t stop. one bad decision after another is also a form of self-harm, did you know? the only thing keeping me from actually killing myself is my cowardice.
wow this post has gone out of hand. messy. like my life. or is it my mind?
goodnight. i’m sorry.
oh my fucking god. i don't even remember writing this but i want to throw up right now.
