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50 Shades of Gay: Twisted 50 In our historic 50th episode the gang takes on 50 shades of grey! Dawn has an interview with the mysterious Mr.Dre. Will she be ok? Or is Dre more than this poor girl can handle/ meanwhile April has a new friend Gwen who may like her a little TOO much.
50 episodes! 50 shades! Join all your favorites April, Anastasia and Dawn as they embark on another so wrong it’s right adventure!!!
TWISTED TALES 44: #GAMERGATE
Dawn Meadows starts writing review of video games BUT when it's revealed she kissed a game developer at summer camp gamergate comes after her with doxing and more. After all it IS about ethics in gaming. But when the person who doxxed her stands revealed can she survive it?
You control the action once again! You vote on how Dawn reacts to her gamer gate attacker. Just go to www.instagram.com/twistedtalesforteens and vote by Monday the 23rd!
In this video we see the OTHER 10 ways the 2014 Halloween Special could've ended. Girls are killed, love connections are made, hearts are broken and so much more in this look into what could've been
Twisted Halloween 2014 part 2: Pepper gets Salty
The votes are in! And Pepper faces Michael Myers! Only one walks away.....plus what's Trish's problem?
Twisted Halloween 2014: MICHAEL FREAKIN’ MYERS
The girls are all set to go to a Halloween party but Miss A is back and this time she has Michael Myers to back her up.
For Halloween we shot ELEVEN different endings! Vote by Saturday the 25th! go to instagram.com/twistedtalesforteens and like the photo of the girl you want Michael to slaughter. The winner goes face to face with the shape.
Can the Twisted Tales girls take on The boogie man himself? Nah they’ll probably get their asses kicked but vote TODAY.
Royalty Free Music by http://audiomicro.com/royalty-free-music
31 DAYS OF HORROR DAY 15: NEW YORK RIPPER (1982)
I love New York. It’s my hometown born and bred. You can do anything in new york. EXCEPT MAKE A GOOD HORROR MOVIE. Now hey there have been SOME but then we get this film.
Full disclosure, I fell asleep twice watching this film. I kept resetting it but to no avail. I just don’t get the appeal of Luci Fulci. He offers no appeal to me. The movie is about a dude killing women and also talking like Donald Duck. The reason he does this is because his daughter is transsexual or some shit. Sorry. It didn’t hold my interest. For the sake of this quest I kept watching. But it sucked. i wasted the entire day trying to watch it but i throw in the towel. NEXT!
Final score: 2 out of 10
31 DAYS OF HORROR DAY 14: BLACK SUNDAY (1960)
Black Sunday is Gothic Horror at it’s finest. It’s an old school tales of witches, vampires and hot chicks in corsets. What’s not to love?
Starting with the rather gruesome (for 1960) execution of an evil witch with a mask filled with nails hammered to her face we flash forward 200 years later where the witch has returned and has decided to kill the rest of her blood line and re-take her doppelganger's body. Very Vampire Diaries huh? Barbra Steele plays both the good girl and the evil witch. She’s great as the evil witch. Not so great as the innocent girl. Anyway her only hope is the doctor who met her a day ago who is now madly in love with her. Only in the movies can you figure out a girl is the one after about 20 minutes of conversation. Anyway vampires are made, women dry hump the air and Mario Bava, this being his first time feature, uses his black and white scheme to it’s full effect. Creating an old school horror masterpiece.
It has to be said that this movie was rather graphic for it’s time. People bleeding, eyes being sucked out and faces getting smashed with hammers wasn’t really a thing in the 1950’s. But Bava pulls it all off with style and grace. If your looking for some beautiful old-school Gothic horror, Black Sunday is the way to go.
Final score: 8 out of 10
31 DAYS OF HORROR DAY 13: WITCHBOARD (1986)
Not all 80’s nostalgia is good. For years I heard how fun and how delightfully 80’s Witchboard was. So I popped it in expecting a joyride of chessy 80’s fun. It was just okay.
The movie is about an evil ouija board. A girl, played by tawany Kitten of awesome Whitesnake videos fame, uses it to contact the spirit of a dead boy. Instead she contacted a serial killer who starts killing everyone around her and then possesses her.
The heart and soul of this movie is the relationship between the 2 best friends that are in love with her. They start the film off as foes but renew their friendship trying to save her. I enjoyed seeing them get back their bromance. Also there is an uber 80’s new wave punk psychic who is just awesome. She steals the movie and there appears to have been more effort put in her dialogue, clothing and apartment than anything else in the whole movie. Someone LOVED this character and it shows as her apartment is super-sick, super 80’s chic and super sweet. She steals the movie and when she dies it really sucks.
However that’s really all I enjoyed about this film. Watching people slowly spell out words on a ouija board is not scary. It’s not even interesting. Furthermore the film doesn't have enough cheesy lines or moments to really be a cult classic. It’s just there. It’s a dopey 80’s flick about a killer board game. It didn’t hold my interest. And that’s all I got to say about that.
Final score: 5 out of 10
31 DAYS OF HORROR DAY 12: SEASON OF THE WITCH (1973)
George Romero’s influence can still be seen today. Why just tonight Walking dead premiered and I swear everyone on the planet watched it. Without Romero there would be no Zombie craze. His Dawn of the Dead is an all time classic. You’d never know what a genius this guy was if you only ever saw Season of the Witch.
Season of the witch was Romero's third picture. This was his take on the woman’s lib movement. A housewife is bored with her life and so she becomes a witch. Soon she sleeps with her daughter’s ex and kills her abusive husband...all in her quest to become a fully realized witch and a woman.
I really liked this film when I was a teenager. Watching it now...well it’s very poorly done. Shots are framed weird, editing is off, some takes the supporting actors sound like they’re sleepwalking. But when it works, it works. The scene where the housewives try pot with the student teacher Greg is very well done. Particularly when Joan’s friend goes off on how worthless she feels now that she’s old. The movie really tries to convey to the audience the fears a middle age woman may have.
However it takes over an hour for the witchcraft to kick in. Romero spends over 50 minutes showing how unhappy Joan is. After her 9th martini we get it. Also I really liked Joan and Gregg's relationship and wanted to see more of that. I enjoy seeing the dynamics of an older woman-younger man love affair. Also Gregg calling Joan “Mrs. Robinson” was a nice nod to “the Graduate”. They acknowledge they’re kind of ripping it off. But in a knowingly joking way. All is forgiven when they address that elephant in the room and a viewer can move on. I wanted more of the witchcraft too. The movie seems to be in love with itself and sometimes scenes drag on and on. The “season of the witch’ by Donovan montage goes on FOREVER. Thankfully I love that song but c’mon.
However Jan White is great as the lead. We are with her the entire film and she does a great job of being likeable and sympathetic. The character doesn't really talk about her feelings till the second half of the film. The first half we have to get what’s bothering her in her eyes and she manages to get across everything she feels. So when she verbalizes I was like “Yes I knew that.” The scene in which Gregg smokes pot for example is a great example of that. We know she wants Gregg the entire time. Even though she’s acting very cold towards him. She does a great job. So later when they’re fucking like rabbits it doesn't seem like it came out of nowhere.
Is this movie badly made? Yes. Does it drag on? Yes. Does it have avant garde dream sequences straight out of first year film school? Sure. But I like it man. Once again with a small budget Romero does a great job of making the world seem huge. 95% of the film takes place in Joan’s house but it never feels like that. The movie is charming. Romero’s heart was in the right place when he made this. Even when you have no budget and shitty actors sometimes that is enough to elevate it. If your a Romero fan worth a viewing. However if your just into horror take a pass.
Final Score: 6 out of 10
31 DAYS OF HORROR DAY 11: LORDS OF SALEM (2013)
So you know why I liked Avengers so much? Cause to me this was the closest a movie got to how it felt as a kid when you got a new stack of fresh comics and ya ripped into them. That’s kind of why I enjoyed Lords of Salem. Cause there are scenes in it that are EXACTLY how I pictured Satan worshiping to be like. So many times you watch a movie about evil witches or satanic cults and the cults are fucking lame. This movie captures it perfectly. It perfectly captures the essence and aura of evil so well.
The plot is very minimal. Local radio jockey Heidi gets a mysterious record from a band called the Lords of Salem. She listens to it, starts hallucinating about Satan and demons and shit. Soon she finds herself back on drugs, then the prisoner of a satanic cult then giving birth to a strange creature. The film strongly hints this is either the anti-christ or Satan but really it can go either way. Along for the ride is a local author who discovers that Heidi might be in trouble and is then killed by a trio of evil witches in the movie’s best scene. Think Hocus Pcous but with balls. Also her 2 co-hosts of her radio shows who vanish before the final scene. Maybe they said “fuck this?” and moved to Boston. Who knows?
This is Zombie’s best film to date. Visually stunning, images that will stay with you for quite some time, and a total abandonment of so many of Zombie’s calling cards which were fast becoming cliches. Gone is the excessive cussing, the hillbillies, the weird strippers. Rob tones down his zombiness and visually gives us a stunning film. You may not always know what’s going on but you will be transfixed.
My only problem is once again Rob cannot write a hero to save his life. The minute a good guy gets the slightest hint of danger they crumble and die pathetically at the bad guy’s feet. Hedi barley puts up a fight against the satanists. She’s a recovering addict right? After 2 days of visions she’s back into hardcore drugs. She just accepts her fate. Does not do a second of research or resistance. Same thing with the author character. Although his death scene is a wonderful scene he just gets destroyed. The minute the witches attack him he crumbles. They don’t even use witchcraft. They just beat him with a pan. A movie like this would be so much more interesting if the good guys were an actual challenge. It’s a flaw that has been in all his films. You can’t build tension if we have no faith in our hero to be anything but utterly incompetent when the bad guys get aggressive.
Another problem is Sheri Moon Zombie. She’s very good in this role. But she doesn't act in anything but his films. And this movie is all her. And yeah she does the job but so many other actresses could do better. She’s in this movie alot and I never once feel sympathy for her. She almost feels like a prop in later scenes rather than THE LEAD AND HEROINE OF THE FILM. I just think the film would be stronger with an actress people actually like. However the evil witches, especially the ones from the 1600’s are fantastic. They nailed it. Also Ken Foree is one of the dee-jays. Man I love me some Ken Foree.
It’s not a perfect movie but if you want to put on a film that evokes horror, evil, satanisim and just plain atmosphere I can think of none better than Lords of Salem. In fact if you have a Halloween party at your club I can think of no better film to put on the background than this one. Plus floopy old titties. And tons of them. Lords of Salem. Check it out.
Final score: 8 out of 10
31 DAYS OF HORROR DAY 10: HALLOWEEN 2 (2009)
When I first saw Halloween 2 I taught it was the best of all of the sequels. That was 5 years ago. 5 years later, how do I feel? Meh about the same. Halloweeen 2 is one of the best Halloween films out there.
The film starts with Michael stalking Laurie in a hospital with little to no security. Just like Halloween 2 from 81! We then find out it was a dream. The film picks up 2 years after the first one ended. Everyone is pretty much fucked up. Loomis is an asshole, Laurie, Annie and brackett are 3 broken people trying to still pick up the pieces.
The film shines when it’s about Laurie, Annie, Brackett or Loomis. It’s charming to see Annie and Laurie try to move on with their lives. No movie ever follows victims just trying to live. This film does. The Michael scenes...meh not so much. I wanted more of the core 3. I wanted more of Loomis realizing he has become a joke. I wanted more of these people trying to just live. It was really interesting.
This is Zombie’s best film. It’s clear he had his own focus and was left to do his thing. Just like the 1st half of Halloween 1 when Zombie goes his own path, he shines. Wonderful underrated film. Please check it out.
Final score: 8 out of 10
31 DAYS OF HORROR DAY 9: ROB ZOMBIE’S HALLOWEEN (2007)
Rob Zombie’s big budget remake of Halloween is a mess plain and simple. I want to like it and there are some great scenes in this. Some stand among the best in the series history. But at the end of the day it’s a mess. It has no idea who’s vision it wants to follow. Carpenter’s or Zombie’s.
First off the first 2 scenes in the 1978 original; Michael kills his sister and escapes the mental hospital 15 years later now span FIFTY minutes. That’s right the Haddonfield stalking teen girls stuff doesn't happen until an hour in. Here is the thing when the movie starts and we meet Young Loomis, we see Michael kill a classmate, we see Michael's love for his sister...I’m in. Oh sure it has the usual Zombie over the top cursing and profanity. Sure every character is white trash pile of crap. As a matter of a fact I’d have been more shocked if NO ONE in that house had turned into a killer. But I like it. It has a charm and I’m invested. And I really believe Zombie is gonna take me on a far different ride than Halloween. Even after Michael is placed in Smith’s grove his interactions with his mom and Loomis is great. We’re seeing an odd boy turn into a monster. And I’m glued to the screen. Once Michale’s mom kills herself the film dives off a cliff.
First off Michael's escape...is because two guards decide to rape a woman in his room. WHAT? The rape scene in Michael’s room is one of the worst scenes in film history. First off why if your going to risk your job and jail time to get some rape would you rape a woman on the bed of the largest man in the asylum. A man who killed his family? Why not rape her on the steps of the police department? That just MIGHT be safer. Secondly it serves no purpose. Michael doesn't kill them because of the rape he kills them because they touched his mask. Why would you put Michael in such a vile situation that he’s forced to become heroic? He’s the villain. Anyway Michael escapes by killing everyone in the hospital. Then he kills a truck driver. Does her drive the truck? No he walks. But again what bothers me is that in the original we assume Michael had a plan for 15 years and excuted it in 1978. He knew exactly what he was doing. But now he only escapes because he runs afoul of the 2 rapiest and stupidest guards in the universe. I should also point out that Michael is as big as a house.
Finally the remake part kicks in. At only an hour it somehow manages to drag AND feel rushed? The lead girls are given zero time to develop as characters. Hell even Laurie’s first scene is her talking about how the hardware store owner wants to fuck her. The Michael shows up and it just doesn't add up. Michael has been prtrayed as the Hulk. But now this guy is back to hiding behind trees and creeping in bushes. Rob Zombie has zero clue as to what made the first film’s first half exciting. It was suspense, character development and world building. Something this film never does.
So the murders happen. And while they are brutal they also feel dirty. Danielle Harris is back, now she plays Annie. Look I know she was 26-28 when they filmed this film. But the little girl from 4 and 5 fighting Michael Myers TOPLESS just strikes me as wrong and creepy. It’s not just that she’s topless it’s the ease in which Michael destroys her. It’s the way the camera stares at her body. Even her boobs jiggling. Here one of the biggest names of the franchise is reduced to sheer jobber status. Which is fine! But why topless? I really thought it was unnecessary.
Zombie rushes through the shape stalking Laurie and killing her friends scene. Soon enough Michael has her and Loomis holed up in his old house for 40 minutes while the cops race...well walk...ok it’s more like crawl to the rescue. And then we get a final battle between Laurie and Michael that drags on and on.
If the movie was gonna be a remake of Halloween 1 then get to that story. There is NOTHING in the first half that indicates Michael will kill teen girls one day. Furthermore nothing in the first half really effects the second half. You could cut from Michael murdering his sister to 15 years later and Laurie getting breakfast and not one thing would be lost.
Here is the thing if Zombie wanted to tell his own story fucking tell it. Why even have Michael kill teen girls? Why not cover new ground? Redefine the character. Tons of characters were redefined after 20-30-40 even 50 fucking years. Look at Iron Man. However if you were hired to remake Halloween or were ordered to include the events of carpenter’s original then do our best to make it scary again. Make Annie a real person. Invoke real suspense. All Zombie did was go halfway on both visions. His and Carpenter. And it’s like Vince once said “you can’t be half pregnant. Pick a side” Zombie’s film never does and as such suffers.
Final score: 5 out of 10
31 DAYS OF HORROR DAY 8: HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION (2002)
“Trick or treat motherfucker.” And with that the saga of the original Michael Myers, the same Michael John Carpenter introduced to the world in 1978 comes to a close. For all the hub-bub and inflated ego the Halloween fans get they must always live with the fact that Michael Myers finally fell in defeat to Busta Rhymes.
Halloween: Resurrection is bad. Not fun bad. I like fun bad. Just...bad. Time has not been kind to it. While films like 4 and H20 now kind of have a charm to them due to their eras (Creed,Cory Feldman clones, etc.) This film has none. It is set in a era where TV producers were realizing that reality shows could be made cheap. And everytime a character makes reference to “the Osbournes” or “Survivor” it’s almost as if they are cheering on the kardasian-lead Apocalypse we are in now.
The film begins with the revelation that Laurie Strode chopped off the head of a paramedic. Michael switched clothes with him in h20. Apparently the paramedic can survive a crushed larnax, getting thrown through a car window and getting hit by a car. Because right before Laurie cut off his head, he seemed fine. Also when a serial killer puts you in his outfit and you wake up a prisoner of his hated sister. And the killer your dressed as has zombie like powers and you get thrown through a car windshield, it may not be a good idea to sit up like the Undertaker and walk towards said car. Cause the paramedic did exactly that at the end of H20. So first plot hole.
So anyway none of that matters because 15 minutes into the film Michael kills Laurie. Yup he finally got what he wanted. Laurie’s death is so huge IT’S NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN. This is like Red Skull killing Captain America in Cap 3 and just blowing it off. Laurie dies negating the entire message of h20. So what great story do the film makes have for Michael now that the storyline that fueled the series since the opening credits of 1978 has been resolved? What was the point of evil finally snuffing out good. Now that he killed Laurie’s friends, sister, boyfriend, raped and killed her daughter, and her daughter’s friends too plus several dogs let us not forget about the dogs. Now that he took everything away from Laurie and then crushed her beneath his foot what exciting new adventures wait for him?
A INTERNET REALITY SHOW? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Yup Michael’s final battle is with the cast and crew of dangertainment. See 5 kids with cameras attached to them and mics will attempt to spend the night in the Meyer’s house. Why? Why that house? And why the fuck would Busta Rhymes and Tyra Banks invest all this money in filming people in an empty house? And why is the myer’s house STILL UP? It’s been abandoned since 1978. Fucking tear it down. Oh! Not to mention Michael has been living in the house all these years. Yes! This criminal mastermind has been hiding in his old house. The same house he first committed murder in. How stupid are these cops? oh and let’s not forget our first clue as to how our heroes figure out Michael lives there. FRESH SPICES. YES MICHAEL KEEPS A SPICE RACK. So apparently he likes zest on his food. Also who the fuck is watching FIVE OR SIX streaming feeds in 2002? I can’t watch that many in 2014. Later on people switch between 6 or 7 live streams and not once, in 2002, not ONCE does it buffer. It’s kind of cool because the heroine needs the web viewers to tell her where Michael is. But their feeds are lighting fast. In 2002 if I wanted to watch a video it was an event. I’d hit play, pause it, go write a 200 page thesis on Homer’s odyssey and then MAYBE I’d get the first 30 seconds with about 50% pixilation. But not dangertainment who can stream better than netflix.
I could barley see anything once the cast gets to Michael's house. Half the time the screen is so dark I can’t see who is being murdered. And this is blu-ray. I still have no idea how Tyra Banks dies. And today was the 2nd time I’ve seen this film.
Finally we get to the end of the film....which Is Busta Rhymes kung-fuing the shit out of Michael. And then electrocuting him. Busta Rhymes looks like the human version of big poochie. He just barges into the movie acts all gangsta and cool and then leaves. Of all the characters to finally defeat Michael, of all the history and lore these films have....his final battles is against Busta Fucking Rhymes. I would’ve been happy with Laurie’s son or even Jimmy from part 2. Fuck it let’s get crazy and have Tina wind up alive. But no Busta Rhymes kicks Michael’s ass.
All in all this is a bad, stupid film. It forever leaves a black mark on the saga. And it ranks among the worst horror films of all-time.
FINAL SCORE: 1 OUT OF 10
Anastasia decides to reboot Roommates with her as the star. But what happens when she does Robbery 2? Royalty Free Music by http://audiomicro.com/royalty-free-music
#bondage
31 DAYS OF HORROR DAY 7: HALLOWEEN: H20 (1998)
Christmas 1996 in the shadow of the N 64 coming out and Jerry Maguire mania I sat in an empty theater on a Saturday night by myself and watched Horror change forever. Scream. Whether anyone admits it or not horror was dead in the 90’s. It was Scream that brought back real terror, humanity and humor into the horror genre. Scream is one of the best films of the 90’s. It still holds up today. As time passes Scream stands neck and neck with Fargo as the best film of 1996. It very well maybe Wes craven’s best work.
In the wake of Scream horror was hot again. And while Scream brought up a ton of slashers, they really put over Halloween as the king. And so a year and a half later we had H20 grace our screen. A big budget star-filled tribute to Michael Myers the first 2 films and all the movies that inspired it and were inspired by it.
First thing to mention is that this film may have the best cast of any Halloween film. Joseph-Gordon Levitt, Janet Leigh, Michelle Williams, LL Coool J and Josh Hartnett? Can you imagine this cast doing a Halloween film today? I do think they missed a huge opportunity of having michael chase Michelle Williams around for a good 10-15 minutes. Now let’s get to the story:
Pretty much laurie faked her death in the car crash mentioned in 4 and has been living in a secluded private school with her son. Michael discovers his sister is still alive by a file in Loomis’s old house with the label of “laurie Strode.” Good thinking there Sammy! After killing off levit and the nurse from part 1, Michael travels to the school and finally faces his sister again...and then he gets his head chopped off.
A lot of fans are missed this film ignores 4-6. However I have always maintained 4-6 happened. The film never states “THERE WAS NEVER A JAMIE LYOD” so fuck you they all count. Maybe she placed Jamie up for adoption before she faked her death. This was 1998 before facebook. She probably shut herself off from Haddonfield news and missed the part where he raped and killed her daughter. Fuck you every film count even 3.
Anyway I loved this movie. Some people didn’t and that’s because they went in wanting a slasher film. This is not a slasher film. This is about a victim taking control of her life. When we get to the film’s climax we start to mirror scenes and dialogue from Halloween 1. Here when Laurie yells at his son and his girl “Do as I say’ it’s with purpose, it’s with power. After 20 years of being a victim Laurie takes back her life. She robs Michael of his power. My main problem is with the last 6 Halloween films it was always a man that sweeps in and delivers the final blow to end the film. Here Laurie takes the revenge she’s been due 20 years.
The film is very 90s and for people in hiding Laurie and her son sure do scream about Michael alot in the street and to people they’re having sex with. Also ending the film with creed...not cool. Especially when the score was so amazing. I loved the Halloween theme in this. Still I loved it. Don’t go in expecting a slasher. Go in expecting a drama about a woman taking back her life. I think you’ll be surprised at how well the film holds up.
Finally if you spent all week watching the first 6..if you don’t smile when “Mr.Sandman” hit at the start your a soulless dick.
Final score: 8 out of 10
31 DAYS OF HORROR DAY 6: HALLOWEEN 6: PRODUCER’S CUT (1995)
Halloween 6 to me is when the slasher films of the 70’s-80’s and 90’s died a miserable pathetic death. Halloween 6 was insulting, confusing and only put out to make a cheap buck. It was an insult to the fans and Donald Pleasance's legacy. It killed off Jamie in the worst way possible. It proved that the Halloween series had no soul, no heart and was just leeching off the reputation of the Carpenter original. It was the end of slasher films until Scream came along and brought the genre back to life.
That is why it was so refreshing to watch the producer’s cut of Halloween 6. For years I had heard of this cut. Seen bootlegs of it at cons. I never bought it and waited for a real release. And finally we have one in the new Halloween set. In stunning HD. It was well worth the wait as one of the worst horror films of all time has now turned into one of my favorites.
The producer’s cut is a film by fans for fans. It takes great pains to tie all the other films together. It explains everything when it comes to Michael. It gives Donald Pleasance real material to work with. It’s his best acting since the first one. It redeems Loomis from the lunatic he was in part 5. It gives Paul Rudd great material to work with. And it makes the story of Jamie even sadder. She still dies and um she fucked her uncle but she goes out with a bit of dignity.
Now I do want to go into plot holes and differences between both versions BUT I don’t want to see the theatrical cut again. At least not now. I’d rather use a day for a film I haven’t seen before. 2 days for Halloween 6 is too much when there is alot of good stuff out there.
This is an important film to see. It’s a shining example of how studio interference can take a nice fun film and turn it into a vile train wreck. The movie put out in theaters makes no sense. This film, however, does. Does it have problems? Sure. The ending felt rushed. Paul Rudd stopping Michael by placing runes on the floor was weak. We don’t see Michael nearly enough and it’s odd seeing him be a henchmen for druids. Also why did he fuck Jamie? And why? That needed alot more backstory. But even with those problems, it’s great. It’s the crown jewel of the box set and I urge all Halloween fans to see it...not on bootleg but on blu-ray. Many things aren’t worth the wait. But this film is. An important piece of work for all horror fans.
Final score: 8 out of 10
31 DAYS OF HORROR DAY 5: HALLOWEEN 5 (1989)
Halloween 5 is a movie about a grown man torturing a little girl. And he never gets his comeuppance. The movie starts with the little girl crying and it ends with the little girl crying. Along the way the grown man kills everything and everyone she ever loved including her dog. That’s Halloween 5. Oh and there are two goofy cops in the film.
Halloween 5 demands you take it seriously but does nothing to award the audience's faith. Early on we establish Michael and Jamie have a psychic bond, that goes nowhere. Later on we spend what seems like hours with a girl named Tina who dies miserably and probably causes most of the second half of the film due to her stupidity. The film has characters acting smart one second then acting like a moron the next. Twice women are pulled out of Michael's clutches. TWICE. Both times they then stupidly walk right back in. Fuck Tina even gets in a car with Michael and even makes him stop so she can get cigarettes. Why Michael would decide to drive Tina to a party is beyond me. Why Tina can’t tell this monster of a man is NOT her teeny tinny real boyfriend is beyond me.
Perhaps I should start. The movie reveals that Michael has been taken care of by a hobo FOR A YEAR. For a year a hobo let a strange man, who stumbled in his cave with a mask and a knife, stay with him. For a year a hobo fed him and cleaned his shit and piss. Not once in this year did the man call the cops or the hospital or even decide “Maybe I should not be near this man” for a year a hobo ignored all basic common sense so that Michael may live. So after a year Michael wakes up gets the mask that has been hanging by his bed (yes the hobo kept the mask right by his bed. Like it was his favorite hat or some shit) and kills the shit out of the man. This in turn awakens Jamie who now has a seizure everytime Michael kills someone. She gets sent to the emergency room of the clinic she stays at. Then Loomis bursts in and demands they leave her alone.
Loomis now works at the clinic for children where his main job appears to be screaming and threatening Jamie. Cause that is all he does. There is not one moment where he is kind to her. There is not one moment where he looks at any of the other children. His only job is to scream and threaten a little girl. Loomis is awful in this film. You can’t sympathise with a guy who is constantly ready to beat the shit out of a 9 year old. He yells at everyone. Seemingly knows stuff that’s happening in other locations he should have no business of knowing. And his final plan, which is to lure Michael to his old house so he can kill Jamie, is awful. They even make Jamie sit by a mirror and brush her hair like her slutty aunt once did. And when Loomis beats the shit out of Michael at the end...it feels hallow. Jamie earned a victory. And she has none.
We then cut to the next day. Michael is back in Haddonfield. He stalks Rachel. Jamie senses it. Loomis tells Rachel to leave the house. At no point on camera is Rachel ever told “Michael may be there” but the cops do stop by. Finding nothing Rachel just goes back in the house as if a year before she wasn’t thrown off a roof by an insane mental patient...and is promptly killed. The movie then sends us right to new girl Tina and all her goofy friends. But see you can’t really get into the new kids because the audience is still reeling from Rachel's death. It’s bullshit. Here they kill halloween 4’s best character and not even a millisecond later we are treated to shitty teenagers babbling about dating, partying and delivering bad comedy. It gives us no time to let her death sink in. Here is my main problem with Halloween 5. They will constantly do something really dark and spend no time letting it sink in. One second rachel dies the next we have 2 goofy cops playing cards. One second 2 kids are stealing beer behind a deli the next Michael kills one kid right behind the deli (yet no one heard it) and then the next we have Tina acting like a idiot. It’s all over the place. After Michael kills Rachel we have scene after scene of Jamie convulsing or crying or both. Then Michael gets in the car with Tina. Jamie has another seizure. Somehow everyone realizes that means Tina is gonna get fucked up. 50 cops grab her bring her to the clinic. Jamie and Loomis both ask her to stay. Bear in mind she was pulled off the street because a very real serial killer tried to kill her friends last year. She blows everyone off and goes to the party. Jamie follows her. Michael kills Tina and her friends at a barn. Runs over Jamie's little boyfriend Billy and then finally Jamie is saved by Loomis. Who then uses her as bait at the Meyer's house. Michael chases her all over the house. Loomis defeats him. Michael goes to jail and then a mysterious man in black kills all the cops (again) and takes Michael leaving Jamie alone crying.
Had no problem with the final girl being a kid. I did have a problem with Jamie not getting any type of revenge on Michael. And I know what your saying ‘well it’d look stupid for a 9 year old to kick Michael’s ass.” Well what about the ending to 4? Clearly the evil was passed to her. Why not his his powers too? What about the psychic bond? Why can’t she use that against him? And if she can’t...WHY INTRODUCE IT. 4 had a great ending you could build upon. Instead I watched a kid get tortured for over 90 minutes. At this stage of the game I have no interest in a film like that.
Halloween 5 does have a great sequence at the end with Michael chasing Jamie. But by then it’s too little too late. This film is when all the goodwill of the original went away. Finally I’d like to say I find this film’s going from goofy to serious insulting. You can’t have it both ways. Be a good movie. Or be a shitty one. Don’t insult my intelligence. This movie has dark shit. It’s fucked up. But then everytime the 2 goofy cops show up the music switches to goofy Saturday morning music. Why? Is that my cue to know that the movie is now silly? That it’s a cartoon? No fuck you either be a cartoon or be serious. At least the Friday films have enough respect for the audience to be shitty up front. Michael was starting to show chinks in his armor. But...sadly, the worst was yet to come.
Final score: 5 out of 10