;

the warmth of the sun in winter 

[twistinginthewaters]

02.22.23

as i write this with tears in my eyes, i cant help but relapse all over again. with just one song. up dharma down's crying season playing in the background. it's all over again for me.

i cant help but overthink, did you truly love me? leaving me with nothing, dried up, just used.

you, acting nonchalantly, like everything i did meant nothing for you. seeing you all happy and communicating casually like it was nothing. IT WAS NOTHING FOR YOU. It pains me so deep. It hurts so bad.

[soracities]

Antonio Porchia, Voices (trans. W.S. Merwin)

[Text ID: "Everything is becoming the same. And that is how everything ends: becoming the same."]

[marypickfords]

i genuinely believe there’s a right time to watch certain movies so sometimes i’ll wait and wait until i know.

[twistinginthewaters]

while i sit here alone with my dollar coffee, the sun shone through my eyes and doubt it hurt my nerves that are in there; but not as much as the pain of the weight of something that suddenly dawned upon me.

the irony of it all, of accidentally leaving my phone at home and finishing my errands too early yet all i have right now is an hour of boredom with nothing to do but watch people do their things, go on with their lives, enjoy moments with their loved ones.

because i dont want to think.

i dont want to feel.

i dont want to be left with looming what if thoughts. or thoughts that could make me cry in a single moment.

i have been numb for months yet at this very moment it has dawned upon me that its over. everything is over.

Now that i am done with the very single thing that's the cause of everything. i am left alone and lonely. my mere existence of being sad and lonely is all i have.

i could not describe the pain that im feeling right now. that i dont deserve this. and no one should deserve this

[deadithurts]

that part in normal people where he starts crying to his therapist about how he thought everything would be different in college, a good different, a good life, better friends, but life turned out a lot worse and he doesn’t have any friends and now he can’t even go back to what he thought he could do better than. there’s nothing left to go back to. the most fucked up thing about childhood is how you spent the entirety of it wishing you were older but then you are older and if it’s horrible, you don’t have the security blanket of saying “it’ll be better when i’m older” like you did when you were a kid cause you are older now & it’s not better, you have no real friends and you can’t even go back to being a kid and it’s a horrible horrible realisation

[televisiongifs]

“We have done so much good for one another.” NORMAL PEOPLE, Episode 12.

[soracities]

Olivia Laing, The Lonely City

[jacuzziwaters]

I know all this is bad

But please put a leash on me anyway

Who needs self-esteem anyway?

SZA, Open Arms

[weltenwellen]

Lori Gottlieb, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, Her Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed

[twistinginthewaters]

fall

an epitome of four seasons

passing by through time

still i stay same and stagnant

[notschlatt]

[x]

[twistinginthewaters]

Sorrow found me when I was young 

Sorrow waited, sorrow won 

Sorrow, they put me on the pill

 It's in my honey, it's in my milk

[twistinginthewaters]

Baby, don’t lie to me, you know that I’ll believe you Always in love with someone, if it ain’t me, come on Just give me a little more time Give me a little bit of warning Baby, I'm gonna be fine When I figure out where I'm going

[aidangillens]

Normal People 1.12 // Fleabag 2.06

[women-loving-art]

Jeanette Winterson, from Written on the Body

[twistinginthewaters]

All these tribulations, tit for tat, good for nothings-- they  mean nothing when it comes to you.

You, the muse in the back of mind has come once again to boggle my chaotic existence. It bothers me how i think of you so often

edit: publishing my random blurt outs that shouldve been completed some yesteryears ago lol

[twistinginthewaters]

Day 8 of the Quarantine:

Decided to write off my feelings, thoughts, and what I do during the past days. It surely is a hard time for everyone going through this so it’s a good thing to take a break from everything once in a while.

For this day, i decided to put up my creative juices to good use. Been feeling a little creative for the past days. Made beats off from garageband, wrote things off my chest in some private blog.