No sign of the latest "Amazing Race" recap - and I can't access the recaplet from the main site, either. :(
Here's the recaplet: http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/show/the-amazing-race-1/like-james-bond-again.phpThe recap will be up later this afternoon, sorry for the delay!
When the guys get their first chance to sing for votes, things go a little Askew.
While Ryan does his introduction, the camera spins around in the center of what turns out to be a circle made up of him and the top ten guys, like an episode of That '70s Show. I feel surrounded. And oddly threatened. I think Charlie's my escape route, though.
We come back from the credits with not one but two people in the audience right next to each other holding up homemade signs that read, "What Mariah says, goes." I hope at least one of them reads "…in one ear and out the other" on the flip side. Ryan comes out onstage and introduces the judges, and invites Randy to explain why the judges disagree sometimes. He says it happens, and they all agree. So much for that point. Ryan also gets some comments from Keith, but since it's guys night, Nicki and Mariah just get to sit on their hands while Ryan goes right to introducing tonight's performers: Elijah Liu, Cortez Shaw, Charlie Askew, Nick Boddington, Burnell Taylor, Paul Jolley, Lazaro Arbos, Curtis Finch, Jr., Devin Velez, and Vincent Powell. Okay, some of those guys are good, but I couldn't remember a single one of them during last night's show.
We're starting with Elijah, who is letting his appeal to the ladies going right to his flat-topped head, judging by his comments during his intro reel. He's doing "Stay" by Rihanna, starting out slow and staying there. At least the song doesn't ask much of his voice, which seems rather high and thin to me. Keith gives him credit for his control, which is a nice way of saying Randy's going to thump him in a minute. Nicki's still got a crush on Elijah and says he's very marketable. Randy says it's an improvement over last week and agrees with Nicki about his marketability, but it stayed in first gear (called it). Mariah thought it was one of his better performances, which isn't exactly overwhelming praise. She doesn't disagree with Randy, and adds that Elijah's "relevancy" is his strongest point. She's getting really good at softening her blows so much they sound like compliments. When Ryan comes out to agree with Mariah's tangential comments about how there's a trend of intimate songs going on right now, he asks Elijah about his reaction to seeing Rihanna do that song at the Grammys. Elijah says it hit him in the heart, and he's hoping to hit people in the heart too. I don't know, he might have to do it one person at a time, and do it literally.
Cortez Shaw talks in his intro reel that he's all about feedback, and promises to have taken it into account to fix himself. Though he admits it doesn't always work. Tonight he's doing "Locked Out of Heaven" by Bruno Mars with some funky footwork, and for a moment I'm actually startled; I thought there was a rule against up-tempo songs for this stage of the competition. I have to admit it's a nice change, and Cortez hits almost all the notes, so I've got no complaints.
Keith asks why he picked it, and Cortez remembers someone else doing well with it during the Hollywood round. Well, that makes one of us. Keith likes both Cortez's voice and the song, but not necessarily together. Nicki clarifies that Cortez was enjoying himself, but suggest he get styled by whoever is styling Elijah. Randy says the high notes are a bit of a strain for him, so he should maybe take it down a half-step or two. Mariah says she prefers his ballads and comments on how he likes to start out high, and how the arrangement of "Titanium" he did last week was good and somebody please just play her off already. "A lot to take in," Ryan remarks euphemistically. He explains to Nicki that the contestants are styling themselves until they make it to the top ten, because of course he knows that and the judges don't.
Ryan has Keith autograph a fan's sign-sized photo of himself for some fans while introducing Charlie Askew. That's how he gets all his jobs done: he multitasks. Charlie claims to have totally lost himself in last week's performance, and explains his new mustache to us. Actually he's been growing it for half a year now, and it's only noticeable in extreme close-up, so it's not as "new" as you might think if you're only reading this. Tonight's he's accessorizing it with an ill-advised tank top and ponytail for his performance of -- get this -- "Mama" by Genesis. Deep track! That's the one where Phil Collins loses his shit at the end. Charlie doesn't wait that long, busting out the high-powered falsetto for the second verse and skipping the creepy laugh altogether, which I'd have thought would be his favorite part.
Keith talks about the reaction of the audience in the most euphemistic way he can think of to call it bizarre, and thinks Charlie might work better as a band's frontman, because this was "disingenuous." Nicki was also disappointed, saying she feels like someone stole her kid. She tells him to lose the arms and the ponytail and the mustache (which he already did, not that there's much difference) and go back to being what she liked about him before. Randy says it started out terrible and went to screaming and it didn't connect. Charlie is looking increasingly upset when Mariah's turn comes around, and she remarks on his apparent love for classic rock and the "diversity" he brings.
Charlie's clearly taking this hard, lacking the artifice to put on a brave face. Ryan asks him about the song, and Charlie explains that he needed to vent, whatever that mean. Ryan isn't about to let that just sit there, and when he asks for more, Charlie tells Ryan that he smiles a lot because he feels like he has to, and Ryan does a pretty good job for someone who was just drafted into the role of his therapist, assuring Charlie that he has friends here. Charlie does get a standing ovation from the audience, but dude, that was raw. Not so much the performance, but the interview.
Ryan comes back to us from the Coke Lounge backstage with Nick Boddington, who talks about song selection and going back to the piano and his hat. Ryan shows some "before" photos of Nick's former floppy-haired self, who Nick admits is long gone. Nick's intro reel covers his near-miss against Gurpreet last week, and then he's live at the piano, singing an even slower version of "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls. This song's a good match for his high, clear voice, and I think he's found that "connection" that everyone was going on about at him last week. Best of all, he stays at the piano the whole time. Keith says that it was a perfect song for him and tells him to stick with the piano/singing thing, and looks past his nervousness in spots to compliment his tone. Nicki wanted more of the song's original melody, because of course it's one of her favorites, but she liked it overall, saying he was back in his comfort zone and true to himself. It wasn't Randy's favorite of Nick's, but he calls it a "good, solid performance." As for Mariah, she says he kicked in at the end and she hopes people consider his other performances, which means she thinks he blew it tonight. I'm getting good at de-softening her blows, too.
Burnell tells us in his intro reel that he did an amazing job last week, and we get to see before and after shots of the forty pounds he lost running on the treadmill twice a day for ninety minutes. Jeez, who has that kind of time who isn't on Idol? He's singing "I'm Here" by Jennifer Hudson, the same thing he did at his first audition, still using hand gestures like he's conducting an invisible orchestra of Oompa-Loompas. Keith gives him a standing ovation and talks about his distinctive voice, which I'm still not all that impressed by. Nicki quizzes him about the arrangement and says she's glad they found him. Randy comments on the urgency of his performance grabbing everyone's attention and is glad to see him getting back to what they liked about him in the first place. Mariah appreciates the return to the emotional place of his first audition, because that's what she's been waiting for. Burnell explains to Ryan how he did the repeat so we could hear the song without the interference of the editors chopping it all up. I'm sure they'll have his back from now on, though.
Ryan's back in the Coke Lounge talking to Paul Jolley about his experience being an extra in music videos for artists like Lady Antebellum, Blake Shelton, and Rascal Flatts. Paul is nervous just talking about it, and also about getting to meet Carrie Underwood. In his intro reel, he recalls having been saved by Jimmy Iovine's tiebreaker during the sudden death round and is counting on the support of people back home in Tennessee this week. Which might actually help, now that I think about it, assuming they can dial fast enough. He's going with a Xtina song, "Just a Fool," and doing a pretty good job with it, concentrating on singing it rather than the theatrics.
Keith asks him to pigeonhole himself, and he says he wants to be pop-country, a sort of guy version of Taylor Swift. Oh, God, let's not go down that black hole, shall we? I have to get these things done in a reasonable amount of time. Keith tells him that he needs to dial it back even a little further to be more believable. Nicki critiques Keith's critique and then declares it a solid performance, adding that Keith knows what he's talking about country-wise. Randy liked the quiet parts more than the intense parts for once in his life, and Mariah says this is the first she's heard of Paul's country-pop ambitions and defers to Keith's expertise in that field. Thanks for coming out tonight, Mariah. Now that everyone has talked about how knowledgeable Keith is, Ryan asks him if he liked it or not, and Keith says he likes…Paul. So no, then.
Lazaro talks about last week and how there might be other kids out there who are social outcasts, and he advises them to be themselves. Tonight he's singing "Feelin' Good," with a lot more confidence than last week, with that singing voice of his that's the polar opposite of his speaking one. He's not even sweating at the end. He's a lock for tomorrow night and, even more amazing, I think he knows it. Keith has to wait through quite a lot of crowd noise before getting to say that everybody in the audience connects with him when he sings. Nicki notices that she and Lazaro both favor pink (indeed, if Lazaro weren't already an ice cream man he's going have to become one to justify his sartorial style), and admits that she had doubts about the song choice before hearing him sing it, but he put those to rest. Randy rolls out the "in it to win it" catchphrase he seems to think is his, and Mariah starts by asking Lazaro how he feels. She's impressed with how he puts his emotion into the song, but says this song was a little low for him, getting herself booed for probably the first time ever. Now she'll never say anything outright negative ever again. Ryan's interview with Lazaro is pretty one-way, probably because he doesn't want to put either one of them in that position on live TV, but Lazaro at least gets to say "thank you."
Curtis Finch, Jr. talks about growing up in the shadow of his dad and their shared name. That really held Phillip Phillips Jr. back last year, too. But now he's over it, calling his performance last week "amazing" and "epic" and "amazing." Which voters always love hearing from contestants. He sings "I Believe I Can Fly," reeling in the cheese factor from last week somewhat. Then he blows it out at the end so hard that Randy and Nicki are on their feet before he's even done, and Keith and Mariah join them. Looks like we have a winner for tonight. Keith talks about him in glowing, positive terms, and Nicki says this is bigger than American Idol, which I didn't think anyone was allowed to say on this show, and gushes on about how he has power from God, which Curtis eats up. Randy says the competition just started, and this is what all the guys should be doing. Mariah thanks him for his energy and all that. Isn't anyone going to talk about his singing?
Devin Velez is up, and he declares his performance last week "unbelievable." He also talks about how authentic he feels when he sings in Spanish, and about his mother's loud, echoing scream. Which he means in a good way, because I guess he can always hear her in the audience. Tonight he's doing the Perry Como standard "It's Impossible," which as we all know was originally written in Spanish, so naturally he reverts to the original lyrics for the second verse. Now I kind of want him to go far in this competition just to see how many weeks it is before he runs out of half-Spanish songs.
Keith says it was a little shaky at the beginning, but he's a "good, good singer." Nicki declares it "muy bien" and "perfecto" and runs out of Spanish words before she stops and ends up being reduced to calling it fat. But she likes how Devin stands like a Ken doll. Randy likes his tone and his look, while Mariah appreciates his apparent effortlessness. She says he could reach an international audience, which may be her way of saying he'll be one of those artists that are huge in Latin America but nobody in the U.S. has heard of. Not that that's a mal thing. Mal means bad, right?
Vincent Powell is closing out the show, and he talks about last week and how he's still trying to figure out what Nicki meant about middle-aged people throwing panties at him. He's doing "End of the Road" by Boys II Men (aren't they just Men now?), coasting through the first verse but then coming back from the key change with a big loud high note near the top of Mariah's range before bringing it down to a big finish. Keith, feeling the time crunch, says Vincent's nerves held him back, but he can sing like a mofo ("mofo" gets bleeped, of course). Nicki agrees, "You wasn't sittin' on it right tonight," adding that it wasn't the best song for him. Randy says he overshot it a bit, but he's still one of the best singers. Mariah agrees, saying "there were moments of brilliance in that performance." Translating from Mariah-ese, she's saying there was corn in that turd. Harsh, Mariah.
Then Ryan runs the clips from tonight's performances and opens the phone lines for voting. Tomorrow the top twenty becomes the top ten. And it's only going to take an hour and a half.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis- based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
A medical evacuation causes one tribe to rethink their strategy.
After Tribal, Reynold and Eddie yell at their tribe for… not switching things up? I never get the whole, "Yell at your tribe for the way they voted because it wasn't the way you wanted them to vote." You're mad because you're in the minority alliance. That's on you. Don't take it out on your tribemates if you want any chance at all to turn things around.
Ooh, a Reward Challenge. The prize is time in camp with a local bushman, who will help them learn to live off the land, and who will bring food. The challenge is actually really interesting; they have to hold boards in the water such that two tribemates can walk on them from one platform to another. And then the entire tribe has to swim to a third small platform and all stand on it for five seconds. It's neck-and-neck throughout. Laura is a bit uncoordinated for the Fans when moving from board to board but her hesitation doesn't really matter in the end. The Fans are just unable to get everyone up on the platform before the Favorites do, so the Favorites win Reward. Shamar thought his team won (mostly because he was buried at the bottom of the platform) and embarrasses himself by celebrating his team's loss.
The Favorites are delighted by the tiny man who comes to show them how to cook and survive on the beach. The Fans continue to be annoyed by Shamar, who continues to lie in the shelter and order people to bring him rice. Then he gets a grain of sand in his eye and he scratches it and they call in the medical team. The medic says that he has a divot in his cornea and she wants to pull him from the game rather than potentially compromise his vision in that eye. Shamar acts all sad that he's leaving but honestly? I think he's relieved that he didn't have to make the decision to quit. And his tribe is sad to lose a big guy but probably happy that they didn't have to vote him out just because he was being annoying.
Both tribes report for the Immunity Challenge and the Favorites find out that Shamar is gone. For the challenge, they have to swim out to a platform, climb it, jump off and smash a tile, which will release a key. Once five keys have been retrieved, the other two tribe members use them to unlock a chest full of sandbags, and they have to throw them and knock over blocks. The best part of this challenge is watching them run out into the water on this wobbly bridge because just about everyone wipes out in spectacular fashion. Sherri goes first for the Fans and misses the tile when she jumps off the platform, so she has to climb all the way up again. This puts the Fans way behind. Reynold almost catches them up by knocking the blocks off quickly and efficiently. Out of like forty blocks. Reynold gets his down to five left while Phillip has two for the Favorites, but Phillip is some sort of major-league pitcher in addition to being a federal agent and he wins immunity for the Favorites. Again.
Matt and Michael claim to want to vote out Laura because she's so useless in challenges, especially compared to Reynold or Eddie. Reynold worries that they're trying to lull him into not playing the Idol and then blindsiding him. Sherri worries that her alliance is falling apart.
At Tribal Council, the various factions make their cases for keeping strong challenge players versus rewarding loyalty and then they vote. Reynold does play his Idol. But he didn't need to, because the rest of the tribe (probably wisely) realized that they need to start winning challenges if they don't want to get picked off one-by-one after the merge; they vote out Laura. She really was terrible at challenges.
The Jenningses are abducted and interrogated. Stan has to think quickly to keep Nina from being tagged as the mole. The Zodiac killer brings Paige and Henry to feed the ducks.
Well that there was an episode I could've written myself after the events of last week. Well, except for the insane part about the kids getting stranger-dangered.
So at the end of the episode, the Soviets realized that there was a mole in their organization. They told Philip and everything. So this week, when Philip suddenly gets abducted by agents who are demanding he give up everything he knows about being a spy, and later when Elizabeth gets abducted and also interrogated, nobody seems to think this is maybe the KGB trying to flush out the mole. And when Claudia does show up and makes the completely unshocking revelation, the Jenningses totally fucking flip out, get their soft little American feelings hurt, and Elizabeth actually tries to murder Claudia. Afterwards, Philip realizes he got harsher treatment than Elizabeth, likely because Elizabeth had once revealed her suspicions that Philip was getting too comfortable in America. So they're both super mad at each other now.
Meanwhile, Vasili pillow-talks to Nina about there being a mole in the organization, and she goes right to Stan and begs him to be exfiltrated. The FBI isn't really in the mood to do that, of course, so instead, Stan asks Nina to photograph some confidential documents. Because he's trying to get her killed, apparently. No, in fact, it's all part of an elaborate plan to get Vasili framed for being the leak, which does get accomplished, much to Stan's outsized relief.
Also, the Jennings children accept a ride from a clearly suspicious guy, because Paige is a willful idiot, and when it goes bad, Henry clocks the guy with a beer bottle, and they run away. So ...
Shane takes the Fellowship of the Falls camping on an island 200 miles off the coast of Nova Scotia. In the winter. They don't die from exposure, but arguably, they should.
This is an odd little episode, so I'm skipping the Previouslies and getting right to it so that I don't distract myself. You ready? Okay. We open...
One Year Ago. Professor Atticus "Shady" Shane runs through the woods of what we'll later learn is a super-secret island, 200 miles off the coast of Nova Scotia. Think of it as Craphole, Down East. In the recaplet, I already remarked on the terrain and weather, so I'm going to try to avoid doing so here unless it frustrates me beyond all belief (which is not inconceivable).
A man is scrambling some ways behind Shane. This man has a white stripe painted across his nose and his hands have been dipped in white. (Or he's wearing gloves, but I think it's paint) He has long dark hair and in this funky lighting the man's skin looks darker than your average Caucasian, so I think he's supposed to be a First Nations person (in Canada, that term is preferred over Native American). I'm deciding he is, unless we learn otherwise. I want to give him a name. I don't want it to be racially icky, but I can't just keep calling him the apparently First Nations man who is some ways behind Shane, so I hereby declare him The White Hand. Please feel free to add an of Saruman if it pleases. I'll just be referring to him as WH.
It's unclear if WH is chasing Shane or merely following him. Caveat lector: despite the exposition overdose, there's a lot that is unclear in this episode. What do you think of Flashback Shane's hair? I've read comments from people who prefer it, but to me, it looks like he took the trouble to get a blow out before taking a motorized inflatable boat to an imaginary, desolate, geographically and climatically improbable island. Considering how crazy Shane is, I find that quite believable and certainly easier to swallow than things to come.
Shane makes it out of the forest and to the foot of a cliff, where he finds the opening to a cave. Inside, there's writing on the wall that -- ugh, can I just interrupt to say how much I hate the me who wrote the recaplet? This episode was hard to sum up, so when I began the recaplet, I started out by including as much detail as I might in a recap. Now I'm in a bind. I don't want to leave things out in case you didn't read the recaplet, but I don't want to repeat myself for those of you who did. Bear with me, because after Damon's "Hawaii" question it will be a lot fresher in here. Anyhow, there is writing on the cave walls. Some of it is modern. I can make out John Moredock and HELP ME, as well as Carter and then something that I believe is Runic for Kilroy was here. Shane rubs his hands on the etchings, then proceeds to the edge of a seemingly bottomless hole in the ground, which is clearly symbolic of this season's mythology mess. As Shady Shane shines his light down into it, we flash forward to the...
Present Day. Craphole Island, Down East. Shane whispers to no one in particular, except possibly the voices he undoubtedly hears in his now curly-topped head, "Congratulations, we made it." This earworms me with Barry Manilow's "Looks Like We Made It," so Shane can die bloody or in a fire or in a bloody fire any moment now, please. He turns to watch as the gang unloads their gear from the boats. Title card.
Damon, who is squatting on the beach and sharpening a knife, sees Shane and asks why the cure couldn't have been stashed in Hawaii. Yeah, I mentioned that in the recaplet, but I covered Lost, y'all. I think I'm contractually obligated to acknowledge those sorts of references. Shane exposits that they're 200 miles off the Nova Scotia mainland. I don't usually hear mainland used to describe Nova Scotia. It's not at all wrong, but Nova Scotia is a peninsula. Give it a little more climate change and it will be an island. I'm picking to pick, aren't I? That's annoying. I'm sorry. I'll stop now.
Damon exposits about Silas, then Shane offers him some sunscreen. Damon: "Is that supposed to be a joke?" Shane stares blankly, then says, "Right." This "joke" is so awkward, I spent about ten minutes pondering their brief exchange. Putting vampirism aside, I don't care what dermatologists say: You don't need sunscreen in Nova Scotia in January, especially if you're going to be spending most of your time in the woods. You're more in danger of developing a Vitamin D deficiency than a sunburn. But mostly -- look, if you're going to make the vampire/sunscreen joke, be a little creative, Shane. We're supposed to buy that Stefan is eternally 17 and Damon is somewhere in the neighborhood of being eternally 21. Both men are fine with a capital FOINE, but neither looks that young, so hang a lantern on that, Professor. Give Damon the business about how excessive use of the daywalker ring seems to be exposing him to photo-aging or something. Yeah, I know vampires insta-heal, but if Ric's ring could save him from mundane deaths just because they were brought about by supernatural beings, then I'm ready, willing and able to fanwank about the faces of our beautiful Brothers Salvatore. Just work with me, Shane. He doesn't listen.
Meanwhile, Stefan, who probably fancies himself the Jack Shephard of this piece, is tying a knot and giving Rebekah a hard time about not helping, so I immediately think of them as Shannon and Boone, which is confusing, because Damon is Boone. It's like how Jared Padalecki plays Sam (brother of Dean) on Supernatural, but he played Dean on Gilmore Girls. Okay, I've lost all but three of you, now, but you three know exactly what I mean, yes? Thank goodness. Anyhow Stefan isn't actually looking for help with knot-tying. What he wants is for Rebekah to avoid getting under Elena's skin, but it's too late. When Rebekah lists Elena's sins, Elena stops in her tracks and says, "You know I can hear you, right?" Rebekah: "You now I don't care, right?" With that, Elena Stealth Salvatores up in Rebekah's grill and tries to stake her with the Perma-Son of White Oak stake. Of course she fails and Rebekah knocks her down, but doesn't confiscate the stake. This makes not one bit of narrative sense. Contrivance Fairy: "Patience, Grasshopper. Later, you will come to understand why I enchanted Rebekah such that she doesn't take the only weapon capable of killing her and her ilk." After twittering about how Stefan likes her (Becky) again, Rebekah wiggles off. Stefan offers Elena a hand in getting up, but she's feeling petulant, so she ignores it. Stefan walks away, which is something he should do more often.
Damon teases Elena about abandoning her Team Building skills, then reminds her that Stefan only brought Becky to make Elena think he's moved on and to make Damon think he's not getting under his skin. The closed captioning disagrees with me and the Somerhalder mumbles, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Elena tries on a new outlook for size and realizes that if they just get the cure, Rebekah will be a human and much less of a threat. Damon: "Human Rebekah. Can't imagine her without fangs." This provides Elena the opportunity to ask Damon what he'll do with the cure once they've found it. Will he take it? Despite her hopeful look, all Damon says is, "I don't want to speculate." I love how all these characters assume there will be enough of the cure for anyone who wants it. I desperately hope they're wrong.
We cut to Bonnie feeling up Jeremy. Oh, she's using the cover of photographing his now visible tattoo. I'm going to ignore Jeremy's rock hard nipples and just point out that the tattoo is a pretty shitty map, isn't it? Bonnie explains the symbols to Jeremy and reiterates the Silas and Q story. When Silas decided to share his Immortality Potion with another woman, Q killed that woman and Silas was doomed to live forever without his true love. Q would have liked to kill him too, but since she couldn't, she trapped him in a cave and buried him alive.
Jeremy asks if the tattoo indicates the hunter's role in all of this. Shane, who has been listening, comes over and lays out some more exposition. Q created an immortality cure and buried it with Silas. Her hope was that he'd take it, then die and join her on the other side, but Silas wouldn't give her the satisfaction, which seems ridiculous of him. I mean, he lost his love -- wouldn't he want to join her on the other side? Maybe witches and mortals can't mingle on the other side. The witches are awfully busy, what with tormenting people like Grams and Esther Mikaelson for all eternity. Centuries later, Q's descendants created the hunters, i.e. the Brotherhood of the Five, to find, cure and kill Silas. Shane says he'll explain more on the hike. God save me.
Meanwhile, back in Mystic Falls, Klaus is just pouting and mourning Kol, in his mystical prison. Tyler comes over to taunt him. He can't wait 'til the Fellowship returns with the cure, so he can shove it down Klaus's throat and then kill him. Klaus says, "I'm an Original. What makes you think my entire vampire bloodline won't be cured along with me, i.e. you." Tyler thinks the cure will break the blood connection and so whatever happens to Klaus will only happen to Klaus. Tyler can't wait to kill him, he's just deciding on the method. Klaus decides to rub some salt in the wound. "I recommend drowning. There's nothing quite like the feeling of someone fighting for something as basic as human breath. And let me tell you, your mother was a fighter." Mean.
Back on Craphole East, Shane says his Satellite phone has lost its signal. This seems like an obvious lie to me. When Elena says she's creeped out, Rebekah tells her to leave, since she's useless, anyhow. "Jeremy has the spell on his body." Oh, so now it's a spell, not a map to the Bore? Whatever, Show. Rebekah continues: "Bonnie's the witch that unseals the cure. Shane is the human compass. You and I have the tombstone, which does -- God knows what -- and Elena has no point." Leading the pack, Damon turns around and says, "What about me?" Rebekah hollers back to him, "You have a nice behind." That works for Damon. Even Stefan has to grin.
There's a time cut and it's night now. Thank you for sparing me their whole hike. Shane is wearing a headlamp. No, I'm not making that up. I'm already too overwhelmed by all the exposition to do that. Here's some more: centuries after Q died, some miners were excavating a well on the island. They went mad and bled themselves dry. Legend has it that with a drop of blood, they could see their lost loved ones. Word traveled and explorers sought out the well to see if it was true. Oh man, this is so bad it's killing me. I've got to skip and sum. The well is magic, okay. Shane's wife and son died within months of each other, so he tried out the well for himself. We flash back to...
One Year Ago. Craphole. Shane's first island expedition. He cuts his hand and lets the blood drip into the well. Although he can hear Caitlyn's voice whispering his name, he can't see her, so he rappels down into the well. Whispers grow louder. The ropes fail Shane and he drops to the bottom. As he lies there in pain, Caitlyn (Camille Guaty) appears and calls him "Atty." I try to ignore that, because this guy should just not be named Atticus, okay? We flash forward to...
Craphole East, Tonight. Shane tells the fellowship that his blood let him see Caitlyn once again. Riffing off one of Shane's earlier, mundane possibilities for the visions, Damon says, "Got it. Don't eat the poisonous flowers." As the gang continues to hike, Shane stops them and sets off a booby trap, that must have been laid by Rousseau. Don't worry, Sawyer. Nobody gets caught in a net.
As soon as Shane tells everyone to stick together, Elena and Jeremy fall behind. It's like the show is trying to make us hate them. Since Jeremy is out of water, Elena offers him hers. When he rolls his eyes at the idea of a magical well, Elena says she kind of gets it. They've all lost people they'd love to see, again. As she starts walking, Jeremy stops to take a drink. Hearing a bow being drawn, he turns toward the sound. We see a man who could be WH except his hands don't seem dipped in white. He takes aim at Jeremy. Elena zoops over to her brother and knocks him to the ground. The man aims again, but before he can fire, he's attacked from behind. Elena and Jeremy run to him. He's on the ground with an axe in his back. Elena: "What the hell just happened?" Jeremy: "Somebody just saved my life." Germ, you've erased my Barry Manilow earworm and replaced it with Elton John. Thank you, Sugar Bear. Commercial.
Sidebar: So you all just saw that, right? I mean, a week or two ago, Stefan was revving up his motorcycle outside Mossy Manse so that Klaus -- who was down in the dungeon -- wouldn't overhear what Elena was saying… over the phone. And yet, this group, which includes four vampires -- one of them an Original -- never heard this man following them? Jeremy heard him first. I don't even want to finish this recap.
Shane leads the gang to a cabin. When Stefan asks, "What is this place?" Shane lays some island lore on us. Spring Breakers came and ended up dead -- completely drained of blood. Damon thinks that since someone just tried to attack them and that someone ended up with a hatchet in his back, so perhaps now is not the time to camp. Shane insists they're safer camping than hiking in the dark. Oh for crying out loud, Shane! You're with four vampires, a ridiculously amped-up witch and a mystical hunter. Damon's with me and tries to get Shane to tell him where the cure is. When Shane asks Damon how stupid he thinks he is, Damon speaks for me: "Stupid enough to raise an immortal witch, so I'd say… incredibly." Master Manipulator that we're supposed to think he is, Shane needles Damon. He's surprised he wants the cure, since he stands to lose Elena once she's human. Damon lets this get to him, which is extremely disappointing. Evil Pixie Monster, we were just on the same page. Now you're over there, ready to mope. Come back to my page. It's much more fun!
Elena overhears this, so when Damon walks off a little, Elena follows and tries to reassure him that Shane doesn't know what he's talking about. Damon figures they'll find out, tomorrow. Elena says, "Do you really think I'm going to take this cure, break the sire bond and fall out of love with you?" For Damon, the problem is that they don't know what will happen. Elena promises the cure will change so many things. "Jeremy's not going to want to kill me, anymore. We're finally going to get rid of Klaus. Bonnie's mom's not going to be a vampire. And anyone who wants to take this cure is going to have this option. [...] You, if you want it." When Damon mocks the idea that the Bore is going to be wonderful, Elena again makes her point. Her feelings for him won't change. She seals this promise with a kiss, but Damon is still uneasy.
Caroline arrives at Gilbert Gables to find that Tyler is still there, gloating. She tries to get him to stop, but Tyler plans on being present for every moment of Klaus's misery. Caroline changes the subject and sets about to tidying up the joint. When she and Tyler cover up Kol's corpse with a tablecloth, Klaus makes his booboo face and points out that since both Carol Lockwood and Kol are dead, they're even. I wish Tyler would point out he didn't kill Kol and wasn't even involved in Elena's cockamamie plan, but that's not in the script. When Klaus asks Caroline to call Bonnie and get her to free him, Caroline says she'll never help him. Klaus tries to guilt Caroline by pointing out that he freed Tyler from the pain of transitioning and he saved Caroline's life. I wait for Caroline to rebut him by mentioning that he only had to save her, because he compelled (sire-bond ordered is clunky, so I'm just going with compelled) Tyler to bite her in the first place. That's not in the script, either. What is in the script, though, is a mention of Aunt Jenna and how Klaus killed her, too. She stops herself mid-rant and says, "You are not even worth the calories I burn talking to you." That's tortured dialogue. Vampire or not, what teenaged girl is worried about burning too many calories? It's all a set-up for Klaus's next line. He grabs a lamp, stabs Caroline with it and uses it to pull her into reach, then bites her neck. Letting her slump to the floor, Klaus turns to Tyler. With her blood still on his lips, he says, "Now that was definitely worth the calories." Ah well, at least no one said "epic" in that scene.
Back on Craphole East, Rebekah joins Stefan by the fire, where he is pondering the tombstone. This all but unkillable Original swears the place is haunted and she's afraid. I'm afraid of finishing this recap. I was fine after my first viewing. This wasn't my favorite episode ever, but I recognized it for what it is -- it gets all the pieces in place. It just doesn't hold up to detailed review. To be fair, Stefan points out Rebekah's relative invulnerability to her, but she just shrugs it off and asks what he'll do when Elena becomes human and wants him back. Stefan asks Rebekah why she wants it, since she's the perfect vampire. I don't know where that came from, but whatever. Rebekah's response is worth it. "It's all an act, Stefan. Being a vampire is miserable. I would give anything to be human. Normal." Stefan feels that and says that if he takes the cure, it won't be for Elena, but rather for himself.
Bonnie finds Shane in the cabin and says that thorough review of Jeremy's tattoo has failed to reveal a spell. Shane says Expression doesn't require a written spell. It's a way to access the magic already inside her, provided she wants it enough. Oh well then, tattooing it on Jeremy's comely physique is just the ticket. I mean, damn. Bonnie asks if she's supposed to trust Shane. He promises he'll be with her the whole time she's accessing the cure. Damon appears and points out that Shane didn't answer the trust question. Shane says Bonnie needs him to help her through it. He and Caitlyn lost their son Sam in a car accident. Also a witch, Caitlyn used Expression in an attempt to resurrect him, and it killed her.
Bonnie is understandably irate that Shane taught her the same magic that killed his wife. Shane brushes aside her worries. He's experienced now and can keep Expression from consuming her. Damon says, "The downside is, you've turned her into a bomb that only you can handle." Shane: "Don't you think I know how this ends? I came here to raise Silas so that he could bring back the dead, but you're never going to let that happen. The second I point to a cure, you're going to kill me. Now Bonnie has to keep me alive, so that I can keep her alive." All right, that's horrifying and manipulative, but smart. What bugs me is, why would Shane think that Silas would want to raise all the dead? He didn't raised his lover before he was trapped by Q. Later exposition will answer my question, but it won't satisfy me. Season Gore Cure Bore has turned this show's mythology into spaghetti. I can only hope Shane is wrong, like Curse Of the Sun And Moon levels of wrong.
Outside, the mortal Jeremy is sleeping alone in a tent, even though there is a cabin and even though someone already tried to kill him. This is so he can be abducted, which he is. I guess it's WH who grabs him, but the shots are so dark, I honestly don't know. Commercial.
Gilbert Gables. Tyler is trying to comfort Caroline, who is freaking out since Klaus's bite is fatal to her and his blood is the only cure. Assuring Caroline he'll fix this, Tyler turns to Klaus and asks him to save their girlfriend. Klaus says okay, opens a vein and tells Tyler to beg for it. Tyler's not really good at begging. He mostly says the right words, but he's got way too much attitude. Klaus agrees with me and tries to get Tyler to be a bit more contrite, but then decides it would pathetic of him to help the guy who announced his plan to kill him. Even when Tyler promises to be Klaus's slave again, Klaus refuses to help her. In a low voice, Caroline tells Tyler to get her out of there. "I can't even look at him." As Tyler gathers Caroline in his arms, Klaus looks on with a sad expression, but it's sort of hard to feel for him since HE CAUSED ALL THIS.
Craphole, Down East. It's daytime, before anyone in the brain trust realizes Jeremy is missing. When Damon tells everyone to split up and search, Bonnie says she'll stay behind and perform a locator spell. Shane says he'll remain behind to keep Bonnie in check and Damon decides he'll remain behind to keep an eye on Shady Shane. This leaves Elena, Rebekah and Stefan to search together. AND AGAIN, none of these super hearers heard Jeremy get snatched. I can't even...
Inside the cabin, Damon catches Shane using the Sat Phone he swore wasn't working. He accuses Shane of using the phone to contact whoever grabbed Jeremy. He's right, of course, so Shane suggest the island is just getting to Damon. Oh, Shane -- Damon's been on way weirder islands than this one. Until Damon and I see a buried hatch, a Smoke Monster or a Polar Bear (which, granted, would be a little less odd than it was in the South Pacific), we are officially unimpressed with your spooky island.
Damon gets rough with Shane. Throwing him into a chair, he demands the location of the Bore. Shane says Silas and the cure are buried below the magical well. He's never seen the crypt, but he knows it's there because Caitlyn's spirit told him. We flash back to scenes with Caitlyn's spirit and Shane. She tells him if he can set Silas free, he will help all those who helped him. She tells Shane he needs to get the spell. Back in the present, Shane links the hunter's mark and a descendant of Q (Bonnie, clearly) to the spell to free Silas. We cut to the...
Great Outdoors. Using an article of clothing, Bonnie does a locator spell to find Jeremy. When it bursts into flames, she throws it on the campfire. The flames turn into a track through the woods, but the woods fail to go up in smoke and put me out of my misery. So Bonnie, taking a page out of Buffy's book, walks through the fire and lets it burn.
Meanwhile, Stefan, Elena and Rebekah are using exactly none of their super powers to find Jeremy. Instead, the ladies are bickering. Rebekah is still bitter about that time Elena pretended to be her friend only to dagger her, "...because I'm the evil one." Elena says, "Technically, you didn't achieve evil status until you killed me." Just then, Elena triggers a trip wire. Rebekah, finally using a super power other than her hissy fit powers, stops whatever that is that would have stabbed Elena. Elena looks at her savior. I think you girls should both forget about the Salvatore boys and become friends for real. It would probably be better for all four of you, honestly. Commercial.
When Elena thanks Rebekah for saving her life, Rebekah says, "I don't care what happens to you either way, but if you're going to die it might as well be epic." Oh, that word. That word. And actually, Beckster, since this whole frigging season has been about getting a frigging cure for Elena's vampirism, if she got staked to death during this cure quest, it would be epic to me at least. Elena decides she's going to go back and check on Bonnie. Thank goodness someone is.
Back in the cabin, Damon says they've got the tombstone, the hunter and the witch. He wants to know how the dozens who died in the sacrifice tie into this spaghetti ball. Shane says the sacrifices weren't an easy pill to swallow. We flash back to him reminding Caitlyn's spirit that he's so gentle, he refused to serve a meat course at their wedding. Speaking for the audience, Shane wonders where the sense is in sacrificing people who are just going to be brought back. Caitlyn says the spell that brings her back requires a witch to channel more magic than she could from nature. Shane says he can't sacrifice innocent people, so Caitlyn touches his face and asks if he can feel it. She assures him he doesn't have to do the killing. He just has to convince someone else to do it. Oh, no blood on those hands, Lady MacBeth.
Back in the present, Damon connects the dots. I'm not going to. You're bright people -- I know you're keeping up. He knows three sacrifices are needed. The Council slaughter was one and the hybrids were the second. He wants to know what the third one is. "So, what... you brought us all out here in the middle of nowhere to complete massacre number three?" Shane says it doesn't work that way. Damon wants to know where the well is. When Shane refuses, Damon spies some rope in the corner of the cabin. We cut to...
Fortress Forbes. Caroline is really suffering now. I scream, "Try your blood, Tyler. Maybe it will heal her. It's worth a shot." He ignores me. Care Bear and Tyler each try to blame themselves for their current problems. When he mentions the hybrids, she makes a point of reminding him he freed them. "People put their faith in you, because you're a leader." The last time Carol Lockwood talked to her boy, she said the same thing. I hope to high heaven Tyler's leadership isn't beaten into us the way Elena's compassion was. Since he doesn't even think to see if his own blood will heal Caroline, I don't want him leading me. Anyhow, Tyler asks Caroline if she trusts him and we cut to...
Gilbert Gables. Tyler carries Caroline back in and lays her on the Gilbert floor. "You want to be in control, Klaus? Here. Now you get to be in control of her life. If you want her to die, fine, but then you can sit here and watch her die yourself." With that, he's out the door. Caroline looks up at Klaus. He comes to her side and drops to his knees. He can't cure her, because it would mean victory for Tyler. We cut to…
Craphole Cabin. Damon has Shane tied up now and is ready to torture the Bore location out of him. Shane goes for Damon's metaphorical jugular, mentions that the Bore will free Elena from the sire bond and suggests Damon leave and not put himself through all this. At that, Damon whacks him with… I don't know what that is, a metal pole of some kind. Shane says even if Elena's feelings for Damon are real, how can that end well? She'll be human and he's a vampire. Damon whacks him again. Shane says it's doomed. Damon isn't torturing him. He's torturing himself by finding the Bore, which could cost him Elena. When Damon points out that he could kill Shane, Shane says he can't do that without sending Bonnie off the deep end. I beg to differ. I think Bonnie is in Shane's thrall every bit as much as a compelled or sire bound person is not a free agent. Perhaps if we kill Shane, she'll be free of whatever whammy he put on her, when he hypnotized her. Let's kill Shane and call it an experiment! When Shane continues to try to psyche out Damon, Damon realizes Shane wants him gone so that he can't stop whatever Shane is planning to do with a resurrected Silas and claims he's not that easily manipulated. His actions later in the episode, maybe make him a liar. I can't decide. At any rate, Damon tells Shane the flaw in his logic: "I don't give a crap about Bonnie Bennett." The Bonnie haters squeal with delight at the shout-out.
Just as Damon is about to snap Shane's neck, Elena zoops in and throws him off. When she asks Damon what's wrong with him, Damon walks out. Shane tells her that her boyfriend is a maniac, like that's news to her or something. Speaking of maniacs, even as Elena is telling Shane to stop messing with her friends, she unties him. When she storms out of the cabin, Shane rubs his hands together and smiles. I smile too, because it's time for another commercial.
Outside, Elena tells off Damon for trying to kill Shane, when he's the only thing that is keeping Bonnie safe. "And you wonder why Bonnie hates you." Damon says, "I don't wonder, Elena, because I don't care. I don't care about her. I don't care about some lame-ass cure for vampires, either." When Elena asks how he can say that, Damon says, "I don't want you to be cured." Elena says she doesn't want to fight about this anymore, but being human isn't going to change her feelings for him. Damon indulges her and then spits back everything Shane just said to him. If she becomes human, she will age and die, while he remains a vampire. "We don't work." Elena is upset that he's pushing her away, just because things aren't easy. "That's what you do, Damon. You think that you don't deserve something, so you ruin it. I'm not going to let you pull that, this time. Take the cure with me. That's how much I know this is real. That's how certain I am that I'm going to love you even after this is all over. Take the cure. Be human with me. We can be together -- grow old together. This doesn't have to be hard anymore." Damon says, "That's not me, Elena. That's Stefan. You know, I used to miss being human, now I can't think of anything more miserable on earth." I know I've cranked a lot about this episode, but that's a great scene and a lovely bookend to Rebekah and Stefan's conversation about vampirism. With tears in her eyes, Elena watches as Damon walks off.
Sidebar: Despite the fact that the last scene is emotionally effective, Damon's departure is seemingly more plot driven than character driven. Granted, he is not above getting in a snit, but he knows Shane needs to make some third sacrifice and I just find it hard to believe that he'd leave without at least telling Elena that. Back in the early days of this show, one of the things I loved is that these characters didn't withhold critical information, the way so many TV characters do. Now this show does it all the time, too. It makes me sad. My hope is that Damon is wandering off in order to let Shane think that he manipulated him, when in fact he's wise to all Shane's shenanigans.
Rebekah and Stefan are walking through the woods when she triggers a booby trap. When Stefan saves Rebekah, she points out that the spear or arrow (this episode is so dark, my eyes hurt) wouldn't have killed her. Stefan says it's a force of habit and lets his hands linger on her waist. When he remains close enough to kiss her, Rebekah tells him not to be a tease, as Elena could be lurking nearby. Stefan asks Rebekah if she is serious about a ceasefire. Rebekah wonders why they all assume she hates Elena. When Stefan says, "You did run her off a bridge," Rebekah counters that Elena's death was necessary to save her family. Was it? If I recall correctly, Matt drugged Elena and took her out of town, while the rest of the Fellowship was actively working their plan. Elena returned to Mystic Falls (rather than choosing to see Damon before he might die). I lost that episode when my old TiVo died. I need to see it again. I would read the recap, but I'm writing this while the site is having some technical issues. Hopefully, those will be fixed by the time this is published. Anyhow, Rebekah points out that Elena was involved in both Finn and Kol's deaths. She doesn't see how the actions of the Mikaelsons are all that different from those of the Fellowship. They protect those important to them. Fair enough.
Back at camp, Elena is searching for Bonnie when Rebekah and Stefan return. She reports that Bonnie isn't there and Shane's stuff is gone. Rebekah rushes to her backpack and discovers that the tombstone -- the one Stefan swore he wasn't going to let out of his sight -- is gone. Commercial. Yay!
Gilbert Gables. Caroline continues to die. Klaus gloats even as he mourns her imminent passing. When he tells her maybe he's just pure evil and can't help himself, Caroline disagrees. She decides he's acting out because he's hurt, which means part of him is still human. I love Joseph Morgan and I love to watch Klaus with Caroline, but at the same time, I will hate if there is anything between them, but I'm interrupting their big scene. Klaus asks Caroline why she thinks that, so she says (and I hope she is lying, here) that she has caught herself wishing she could forget all the horrible things he's done. Klaus says, "But you can't, can you?" Caroline: "I know that you're in love with me and anybody capable of love is capable of being saved." When Klaus tells her she's hallucinating, Caroline says, "I guess I'll never know." Her breathing is even more labored now. When Klaus whispers her name, she is unresponsive. In what might be the most anticlimactic moment of the entire series, as the tears stream down Klaus's cheek, he bites open his vein and feeds his healing blood to Caroline.
Camp Craphole. Elena finds Rebekah looking for the tombstone. Rebekah throttles Elena and -- even though her conclusion that Elena took the tombstone is incorrect -- her dialogue is the most sensible, character-driven thing I've heard all night. Rebekah: "Like it's not bloody obvious. All you people ever do is betray me and here you go again." Stefan arrives and asks Rebekah to release Elena, insisting she couldn't have taken the stone. Rebekah: "Was any of this even real? Was it just a plot to distract me while Shane ran off with the tombstone?" Stefan: "Do you think I would do that?" Yeah, Stefan, I do. Stefan: "You think I would let some psychopath run off with the cure?" Okay, not that part, but I totally think you'd involve yourself in a ploy to distract Rebekah, because that's all you've done to her since she came on this show. He blathers on about the pain of being a vampire, but says the Bore will end his guilt and suffering. Um, Stefan? If it ends your guilt, your human alter-ego is a sociopath. Just saying.
Rebekah is convinced Stefan wasn't involved in the tombstone's disappearance, but says that doesn't mean she trusts Elena. Elena feels the weight of Rebekah's accusation and knows she deserves it. She bends down and takes the Perma-Son of White Oak Stake out of her pack and offers it to Becky as a peace offering. Contrivance Fairy: "You're welcome." Rebekah says, "Don't you get it, Elena. There is no peace. We're all screwed." Elena agrees. "Exactly, Rebekah. We are screwed. Bonnie's gone. Shane's got the tombstone. Jeremy's missing. Who knows if Damon's coming back. Us three -- right here? This is all we've got, so we're either in this together or it is over for all of us." Again she offers the stake to Rebekah, who finally accepts it. I wish there could be some hugging and learning right now, but no. We cut to the...
Woods. Jeremy's abductor has the boy in chains, as he leads him to Shane. When Shane thanks the abductor for fending off Jeremy's attacker, the abductor doesn't know what he's talking about, so Shane explains, "Jeremy was attacked by an Islander. I assumed you were his hatchet flinging guardian angel." The attacker says it wasn't him. The conversation is interrupted when Bonnie, sans flamey path, wanders up and asks how she got there and what is going on. When she says the path behind her disappeared, Shane nods towards the abductor and says, "You can thank the talents of Massack. He's a witch. Should you try to escape, he'll ensure you never find a way back." When Bonnie stares at Shane, he brightly announces, "So, the gang's all here. Silas awaits."
Meanwhile, Damon is wandering through the forest when he's struck by an arrow, because while Jeremy can pick up the sound of being followed, the vampire with super hearing cannot. When his assailant rushes at him, Damon gets the better of him. He's just about to snap the guy's neck, when he notices that he has a visible hunter's mark on his hand. "You're one of the five." This gives the assailant time to throw Damon off him. He then snaps Damon's neck. Since he's one of The Five, shouldn't he have an irresistible urge to kill Damon -- a vampire? Ah well, that's not in the script either. Title card.
I'll be back with coverage of, "Down the Rabbit Hole," the title of which confuses me, because it sounds more like an episode of my other show, Once Upon A Time, or even an episode of Lost. I'll see you, Friday morning. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page and then come on over to the forum, where we're touching Jeremy's tattoo, but only to photograph it.
The Carrie Diaries 1x5 "Dangerous Territory" Weecap
Carrie is invited to a Soiree for Rich People and struggles to fit in as her friends and father struggle to move forward.
Carrie’s job at the Law Offices of Boring and Plotfiller have her sorting files by color, then carrying stacks of too many files around the office. Someone’s gotta carry those files, I suppose. While carrying stacks of files around, Carrie bumps into “a cute guy” named George. It’s a classic meet-cute, and Carrie is smart enough to notice that something surreal is happening.
She handles the meeting with grace and the wit most adults can’t muster (but not all adults are teenage Carrie Bradshaw. In fact, none of them are, by definition). George is actually some guy who got poison ivy on Carrie when she was four. She shouldn’t be expected to remember that, but is right in pointing out that George is pretentious. George, while schmoozing the ever-unscrewable Barbara, asks Carrie to some big fancy City Soiree, because everything good happens to Carrie and even the bad stuff that happens is still pretty good.
That reminds me, I would like to see another Carrie Diaries but about Carrie from the movie Carrie. I guess the movie Carrie serves as that Carrie’s Carrie Diaries, what with her coming of age and setting the prom on fire and all with her mind. Maybe that will happen at George’s mom’s soiree and the show will finally take a turn for the interesting.
We learn at the diner that Carrie said no to the fancy party and her friends are like “buh-HUH?!” Carrie says George is pretentious, his parents are strange, and she just has too much going on. Her friends know what’s really going on, though -- it’s Sebastian. I’m over Sebastian, so can’t Carrie be?
Mouse is talking about Seth, and Maggie mentions that maybe Mouse is bad at sex because he broke up with her right after having it. You know Maggie… always talking about sex. Now that Maggie and Walt have done it, he “wants it all the time.” Ugh, I despise this character and any storyline involving her.
Maggie has some good advice for Carrie, though, however misguided. She recommends that Carrie make herself unavailable to Sebastian. Carrie says she doesn’t want to play games with him, but then what was that whole reading his private files thing about? Do something evil, Carrie. Or at least get a bucket of pig’s blood dumped on you.
Meanwhile, Tom (the dad) calls his awful friend, who is not so busy sexually coercing a woman that he can’t answer his giant car phone. Tom can’t find his wedding ring and worries he may have lost it at the gym after a squash game. I will forgive that Tom plays squash, but why is he friends with this horrible douchebag? Harlan the Douche jokes about a hot girl named Misty. The woman Harlan is with laughs at this joke. Don’t laugh at that non-joke -- you’re no better than the rest of us dumb sluts if you do.
This whole wedding ring debacle leads to a discussion of Tom getting “back into the dating game” after, presumably, less than six months. But what does Harlan know of feelings? What does he know of sensitivity? He’s just a one-dimensional, straight-up douche. Now let him get back to womanizing, Tom.
On another phone call, Mouse tries to lure Seth over with the promise of sex. Seth doesn’t seem that into it, maybe because he knows it’s just a smidge illegal. We’ll find out soon enough, after Mouse embarrasses herself heeding Maggie’s advice no doubt.
Carrie is taking her driver’s test from a woman who used to be on Ghostwriter as Jamal’s Grandma and is about to nail the parallel parking because she’s good at everything, when she sees Sebastian kissing Donna LeDonna. They are not rehearsing for a play. Carrie backs into the sidewalk a little, giving Donna good scare and failing her driver’s test.
Sebastian tells Carrie that he and Donna have been hanging out for a week or so. Carrie acts like she doesn’t care and overdoes it a little. Then she tries to rub Goony George in Sebastian’s face and decides to go to the party for the sake of this show being an hour long. We can’t dwell on Tom’s search for his wedding ring for the full 43 minutes.
At the department store -- presumably Century 21 where everything happens -- Barbara tells Carrie what’s what to prepare her for the “soiree.” They keep mentioning that George’s mom’s name is “Kick” so I guess we have to pay attention to that now. Kick demands that everyone wear a jewel tone and Carrie has been assigned sapphire. Barbara is surprisingly helpful when it comes to helping Carrie climb this Manhattan social ladder.
Ah ha moment: Kick was married to Harlan the Douche. I’m still not sure how Barbara fits into this, but she is showing a less rigid side of herself because someone needed to be in this scene with Carrie. Carrie puts on a beautiful, perfectly fitting dress; Barbara offers some fake jewelry from last year’s party to accessorize. Now I see that Harlan owns the law firm. That’s how it all fits together, in case anyone is still watching this show or, even less likely, if anyone cares.
Back at the diner, which we care about even less, Mouse and Maggie are talking about sex and whatever. Donna LeDonna walks in with the Jens to be a bitch because it’s what she lives for. But hey, the Jens got some lines. They are also bitches. Maggie starts some storyline about staying at the diner to keep Donna and the Jens from sitting there?
Tom and Harlan have a walk and talk. Tom is hung up on his ring still, not anything important like any of the legal casework sitting back at his desk. Harlan notes that his son is “wining and dining” Tom’s daughter, and maybe lightly alludes to the fact that he hopes George will get laid. It’s all Harlan could want for his son.
In the hallway, Walt and Mouse have a chat about sex and how to properly hold a penis in one’s tiny Asian hands.
Keeping it in the family, Tom runs over a woman’s foot with his car on the way home. He tends to fixate, this Tom. Anyway, the lady looks like the tampon lady from the grocery store but isn’t. They’re all the same to me.
Back at the office, Carrie is all ready to go to the soiree. Barbara tells her everything will be fine, as long as she remembers to tell Kick that the canapés are divine and that their Basquiat is so much better than some other asshole’s. George shows up in a tuxedo -- uh oh, he forgot to mention that it’s formal and Carrie is dressed cocktail. There can only be one solution: MAKEOVER. Please makeover. Not quite makeover, though, as Carrie just makes do with several layers of black/sapphire tutus. Yeah, those were just lying around the office. Classic Carrie Bradshaw.
They arrive at the party and Kick seems perfectly nice, but she invited George’s ex, Blythe. I can see that Blythe will be the problem, not Kick. Or perhaps neither of them will prove to be a real problem.
Meanwhile, Mouse and Walt are watching porn… I mean Kama Sutra together. If there’s one thing Mouse knows how to do, its study. Maggie, not talking about sex for once, is trying to defend her booth from those bitches. The scene is so inconsequential, I’d rather watch Mouse and Walt try to figure out sex together.
Back at the soiree, Blythe doesn’t want to talk about her stint in rehab and some other D-bag thinks the DMV is near the Dominican Republic. They don’t know what it is because none of them drive. They all have drivers. Did they mention that they’re rich? George is pulled away for a French-speaking emergency and Blythe tells Carrie that some day George will get tired of slumming and go back to her. Now that she’s out of rehab and all. Carrie gets up to leave and runs into a waiter, who spills his tray. It is the worst thing that has ever happened to her on this show.
Carrie makes a call to Mouse, who is preparing to sex Seth up. Carrie feels small, and Mouse reassures her that no one in the real world likes jewel-themed parties. That is very sound advice. Carrie’s friends are always advising her and sticking up for her, but she never really helps them. She didn’t give Mouse any advice on her big moment with Seth. It appears she didn’t need it, though.
In a montage between the Mouse and Maggie storylines, there’s a funny bit where Mouse takes a clarinet out of harm’s way, and a not-so-funny bit where Maggie spills some stuff on Donna to get her seat back. Seth is impressed with Mouse and tells her he’s “relieved.” But the relief is that Seth has been sleeping around and he thinks Mouse has, too. I hope he wore a condom.
Back at the soiree, Carrie overhears Kick saying mean things about her to George. I’m still shocked that parents care as much as they do about their teenagers’ love lives. At least Kick is getting her share out of her divorce from Harlan. Carrie runs away -- like she does with everything -- and George chases after her. Blythe tries to stop him, but George wants more than a butterface fresh out of rehab.
George tells Carrie that he likes her because she can take care of herself and he wants something “real.” Does George know Carrie at all? Carrie tells George she doesn’t get this world and George is like, “I’m a big dumb goon who doesn’t ‘get’ anything.” But Carrie, being in high school, forgives him.
Tom gets the phone number of the woman he ran over, using the old douchebag trick of sharing that his wife died. Harlan was right -- it works every time. Ladies can’t wait to meet a nice widower, even if he hits them with his car.
Sebastian shows up at the diner just in time to deliver some more solid gold dialogue. After some nonsense from Maggie about the diner being Carrie’s safe place, Sebstian and Donna shared this exchange:
Sebastian: You’re better than this.
Donna: Am I?
Sebastian: I like you. Not because you’re a bitch but in spite of it.
Way to go, Sebastian, you are the best boyfriend all the time. Speaking of awesome boyfriends, Seth is freaking out about Mouse sleeping with someone else and rocking the double standard pretty hard. This was before Xtina telling us what’s what in “Dirrty.”
After faking tears to win George over, Kick levels with Carrie. Carrie tells Kick she knows what it’s like to go through hard times because she lost her mom to cancer. Then Kick recognizes her as Grace Bradshaw’s daughter and tells her she looks just like her. They bond and Kick really warms to Carrie. She tells Carrie about her mom like she died years and years ago, rather than a couple months. Evidently they were friends before they all had kids and Harlan turned into a huge douche.
Carrie passes her driver’s test, Maggie got the booth back, and everyone meets in the diner. Seth almost blows up into a jealous rage about Walt, but then Mouse admits that she didn’t sleep with Walt or anyone else. Everyone kisses and for once, no one cares about Carrie or what she has to say.
Even though the writing and some of the plots are clumsy, this is the first episode of Carrie Diaries that has rung more true as a Sex and the City relative. It has more heart, as well as the preposterous fashion and luck of our original Carrie Bradshaw. Plus, we’re learning where Carrie’s tendency to fixate on men comes from.
Bloaty The Gravy Clown resurrects Diva Week at McKinley while St. Gay Of Lima and The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway engage in a little sing-off of their own over at Fake Drama School In New York.
"Look at her," a contemptuous St. Gay Of Lima sneers via voiceover as The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway trills through a run of suspiciously high notes in front of a classroom of her enraptured peers. "This class is supposed to be free sing for everyone," St. Gay's Voiceover continues, "but Rachel hasn't stopped screeching like a third-rate Maria Callas since the bell rang." St. Gay has positioned himself far away from the rest of Rachel's eager audience, practically hugging the classroom's back wall, the better to seethe and sulk all by his superior lonesome as His Voiceover cattily snits, "Because I'm her best friend, I can say this: Rachel's always been a little insufferable, but ever since she won Winter Showcase, her ego and behavior are out of control!"
Cut to The Improbably Bohemian Loft, where St. Gay suffers in eye-rolling silence while The Horrible Hooker hogs the bathroom. "At home," His Voiceover carps, "she uses up all the hot water, leaves rings in the tub, and don't get me started on the hair extensions clogging the sink!"
Cut back to Fake Drama School In New York, where St. Gay's Voiceover crabs, "At school, she eschews my company and instead surrounds herself with easily-awed sycophants." The camera passes from St. Gay -- here again self-isolated against a far wall in the middle of some beige-toned student lounge -- to take in The Horrible Hooker and two of the sycophants in question, the first of whom shrieks something excited about an open casting call for the long-awaited revival of Funny Girl. With an extravagant show of modesty, The Horrible Hooker claims she couldn't possibly hold a candle to the show's incandescent original lead, which prompts the second sycophant to insist she audition immediately, as everyone knows she's "Barbra's heir-apparent."
Cut again to My Ancestral Homeland, where The Horrible Hooker holds up a series of pre-written signs informing St. Gay she'll not be answering her product-placed iPhone this evening, as she's saving her voice, and would he mind, terribly, taking down messages for her? "On some level," St. Gay's Voiceover hisses, "I always knew this would happen -- that as Rachel's star rose, so too would her prima donna-like tendencies."
Smear once more to the classroom from the top of this sequence. The Horrible Hooker finishes her aria, or whatever the hell it was, and as she basks in the ecstatic approval of her peers, the conniving St. Gay Of Lima shoots daggers at her through slitted eyes as His Voiceover, dripping with disdain, concludes, "Yes, it's become clear to me: This Sarah Brightman-in-training needs to be knocked down a few pegs, and I'm the only one who can do it!" Oh, blow it out your ass, you whiny little bitch. Also: Tonight's title card.
McKinley High Teachers' Lounge. As Bloaty The Gravy Clown pours himself a cup of coffee, Emma worries herself into a mini-tizzy over her much-delayed wedding plans at one of the tables, and as I had completely forgotten about this completely abandoned subplot until right this very second, I have zero desire to spend any time with it at all this evening, so: Long story short, Will's returning from Washington next week to marry Emma on Valentine's Day. Everybody feeling all caught up, now? Good.
Naturally, news of Will's imminent arrival makes Frankenteen fret about losing the job he's not getting paid for in the first place. Emma kindly assures Old Finn that Will probably won't be kicking him out onto the street anytime soon, what with the masterful way Bloaty conspired to silence their Sectionals competition.
With that out of the way, the two settle down to chit-chat about Regionals, and basically, Frankenteen's convinced this year's members of The New New Directions lack the ability and drive to "bully" the other teams off the stage as their predecessors supposedly did in the past. Emma considers that for a moment before suggesting "a lesson that toughens them up. "Weren't there weeks where Will had you competing against each other?" she wonders. There were, indeed. Far too many to link, actually, but that doesn't really matter at this point because what does matter at this point is the fact that Bloaty The Gravy Clown quickly agrees it would be an excellent idea to pull that same kind of crap tonight. Would Miss Pillsbury agree to be their "special celebrity guest judge to help decide who wins"? Of course she would!
Cut to the music room, where Miss Pillsbury scrawls the word "DIVA" in gigantic letters on the whiteboard while Bloaty The Gravy Clown opens things up by claiming that this evening's Diva Week is "all about finding your inner powerhouse." Sounds kinky. Frankenteen then turns the proceedings over to Miss Pillsbury, who cites the Internet in order to define the term "diva" like so: "A fierce, often temperamental singer who comes correct. She is not a trick-ass ho, and she does not sweat the haters." Artie and Not-So-Unique nod solemnly in agreement with this while New Puck mopes -- loudly -- that The Glee Guys are getting screwed over this week. Dreamboat Blaine, ever helpful, shoots forward in his seat to remind everyone that men can be divas, too, though for some incomprehensible reason, he neglects to add, "And I should know -- I dated one for two fucking years."
And as Miss Pillsbury descends into an oblivious and lengthy lecture detailing the many restaurant-related travails of her own inner diva, Urethra Franklin leans in to school the other children up in the cheap seats like so: "Y'all might as well just quit while you're ahead, because there are only two ways to spell Unique, and one of them is D-I-V-A, okay?" "Shantay, I stay," Not-So-Unique continues, addressing what follows primarily to Single-T Tina, "and it will be brought, dished out, and served and mopped up by the time you even pick out a wig!" Hilariously, Artie's face goes all, "Ooooh! No, she better don't!" while Single-T Tina tosses back a little shade of her own by asserting, "I have more diva in my little finger than you have in your whole angry inch!" Ouch! Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel tries to join in on all the fun by calling Single-T Tina out on all the trash the latter's been talking since the school year began and, after Dreamboat Blaine and Our Dear Miss Brit-Brit add their respective two or three cents to the conversation, Urethra unhinges her lower jaw to blast us all into...
...a shamefully fun fantasy sequence that also just happens to be this evening's first big musical number. Brittany, Not-So-Unique, Single-T Tina, Dreamboat Blaine, Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel, and Kitty rise from their seats and prance right on out of the music room while singing Beyoncé's execrable "Diva," and while you couldn't pay me to endure more than three seconds of the all-too-serious original video, I have zero problems watching this show's far more entertaining take on the song over and over and over again. Yeah, they basically lifted the whole backstage-bitchery-to-catwalk-fierceness thing directly from George Michael's "Too Funky" clip, but it works, so whatever.
After stomping out of the music room, the primary kiddies involved are magically transported to the wings of The April Rhodes Civic Pavilion, where they primp and preen for the devastating show to follow, all the while unloading several metric tons of attitude upon their beleaguered assistants, here being played by Artie, Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen, and New Finn. Brittany in particular unleashes an especially severe -- and especially hysterical -- beatdown on New Finn for some perceived slight or another, and then it's out onto the stage proper, where the six strut through a phalanx of flashbulbs down the magically-appearing runway in a range of couture-inspired costumes that range from the flat-out fugly to the ridiculously divine. (Brittany and Blaine look exceptionally good, here -- letting the curl back into Darren Criss's hair does wonders, and Heather Morris owns that motherfucking catwalk.) The would-be divas strike one last fantabulous pose, and almost before we know it, we're...
...slammed back to the music room, where Miss Pillsbury's just now finishing her little lecture with a bright and perky, "And that is how I made the manager cry at The Cheesecake Factory: By being a diva!" The children offer her a polite round of applause.
The Horrible Hooker's Bushwick Bordello. After a few bitchy preliminaries, The Horrible Hooker and St. Gay Of Lima descend into a screaming match that basically boils down to this: According to St. Gay, The Horrible Hooker has turned into a "self-righteous" hag "on steroids," and according to The Horrible Hooker, St. Gay is jus jelass. It all ends up with St. Gay challenging The Horrible Hooker to a vocal duel at something called "Midnight Madness," which The Horrible Hooker strongly advises against -- after all, didn't she already beat him in a head-to-head sing-off? Much to my delight, St. Gay reveals he intentionally threw that little competition all those many years ago to protect his father, and Rachel's subsequent nervous breakdown is a joy to behold. "That was my first big win!" she howls in protest. "That was the foundation that I built all of my confidence on for the last two years!" "Consider it cracked," St. Gay snots, adding, "Get ready for Diva-Off Part Two -- and this time, I'm not throwing anything." Rachel gapes. Heh.
Hallowed Halls Of Dear McKinley High. Single-T Tina delivers a homemade "cold-buster kit" to the mildly ailing Dreamboat Blaine, but it's clearly just an excuse for her to steal a few moments alone with the object of her staggeringly inappropriate affections. Oh, Tina!
Music Room. Dreamboat Blaine is the first of the children to perform for Diva Week, and with zero introduction, he hurls himself into his version of Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now." Unfortunately, he's dressed like some bedazzled Miss Junior Teen IML contestant, and the song's not one of my favorites to begin with, so the entire performance is pretty much a wash as far as I'm concerned. Everyone on my television screen seems to be enjoying it, though, so there's that. And when it's done: Commercials! Yay!
Back from the break, we head back into the music room, where Bloaty The Gravy Clown and Miss Pillsbury introduce this week's special guest diva, Santana Lopez! What in hell is she doing here? I mean, God knows I love the gal, and her high-energy performance of Ike and Tina Turner's "Nutbush City Limits" is certainly diverting enough, what with the quartet of big-haired Louisville cheerleaders she dragged along as backup and everything, but seriously: What the hell is she doing in Lima?
Trying to guilt-trip Brit-Brit for hopping into the sack with Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen, as it turns out, and no, I am not kidding with that. Barely has Santana wailed out the last note of her song when she starts in with the sad, sorry tale of how cruelly she was informed of Brittany's new romance -- not by Brittany herself, but rather by a singularly bitchy Single-T Tina -- and once she's done with that, she introduces everyone to her new "out-and-proud, lipstick-loving, After Ellen-reading girlfriend," Elaine. Brit-Brit looks a little emotional. Meanwhile, the other children whoop and holler when Santana and Elaine kiss because they're insensitive little shits.
Fake Drama School In New York. The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway asks her boyfriend to explain the whole Midnight Madness concept to the audience, and he obliges by calling it Fake Drama School's version of Fight Club, only with singing instead of punching. "Twice a year," Dean Geyer exposits, "we break into a classroom for a no-holds-barred sing-off to the death." Don't make me promises you're not about to keep, honey. Can you imagine an actual sing-off to the literal death? That would be fantastic. Which of course means we won't be seeing it tonight. In any event, the winner of Midnight Madness gets "ultimate bragging rights" for the remainder of their time at Fake Drama School, while the loser gets "shamed and humiliated," and while I appreciate any attempt to broaden the world they're trying to create for these characters in New York, this seems like a pretty piss-poor effort as far as that's concerned. I mean, didn't Rachel already snag "ultimate bragging rights" for the remainder of her time at Fake Drama School thanks to her winning Winter Showcase performance a couple of months ago? So, what's up with all of this bullshit here?
Whatever. I don't particularly care, especially because I'm certain they're going to forget this storyline ever happened the instant this episode's over. The Horrible Hooker's sycophants materialize long enough to lob a few insults at St. Gay Of Lima, the latter of whom just happens to be strolling past at this very moment, and awkwardness ensues until the scene just sort of ends.
McKinley High Guidance Office. Emma places two pamphlets on her desk -- one of them winningly entitled "You Won't Be Alone Forever...Probably!" -- and settles back for a chat with Bloaty The Gravy Clown regarding the latter's nonexistent love life. Because I still don't give a rat's ass about the boring romantic entanglements on this show, I'll skip ahead to the bit where he helps her select a centerpiece design for her wedding reception and... that's it? That's all there was to this scene? Yawn.
The April Rhodes Civic Pavilion. Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen enters from the wings to find a fierce-looking Santana Lopez already waiting for him on the stage, and they proceed to snipe and snarl at each other for a few very long minutes over The Brittany Situation, after which Santana challenges him to a sing-off of their very own right there, right now. Of course, the biggest problem with this is the fact that there's no one else around to judge who wins, so I'm not certain at all what the point of any of this is supposed to be, and is it just me, or did this episode's structure just fall completely to shit after the first commercial break? This Santana stuff is coming in from out of nowhere, the Midnight Madness subplot became utterly pointless in a matter of seconds a couple of scenes ago, no one gives a shit about Old Finn's love life... I mean, I get that this is just a filler episode, and that we're all simply marking time until next week's Valentine-themed wedding extravaganza, but didn't they used to put a little more effort into these things in the past?
Feh. Again: It's not like I really care, so whatever. Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen and Santana Lopez sing the Kenny Rogers version of Kim Carnes's "Make No Mistake, He's Mine," and while Naya Rivera looks fantastic in that curve-hugging light purple frock of hers, I can barely remember the song once it's done.
Hallowed Halls Of Dear McKinley High. Single-T Tina loiters amid the lockers, infuriated that Santana Lopez has once again swooped in from out of nowhere to steal her thunder, and through an angry voiceover she insists she deserves better for herself. Her mood lightens considerably, however, when she catches sight of Dreamboat Blaine blowing snot into a delicate hankie at the far end of the hall, and Tina's Voiceover swoons, "Look at him! He's like a precious Tiger Beat Shrinky Dink, with his dark, Pound Puppy eyes, and his...!" Tina's Voiceover cuts itself short at this point because even Tina's Voiceover realizes how pathetic and lonely it sounds, but for whatever reason, this fails to deter Actual Tina from swooping down upon the ill Dreamboat Blaine to offer him some Vicks VapoRub to ease his congestion. "You're so sweet," Blaine sighs, genuinely grateful. Unfortunately, his kind words do little more than send Single-T Tina into a deeply depressed funk, and as she slumps against the wall, she moans, "I don't wanna be sweet! I wanna be the girl that kicks in the door and makes demands and gets what she wants!" So, she wants to be Season Two Mercedes, then? We'll go with that. I mean, they've already got her reliving Mercedes's Season One plotlines, so they might as well have her recycle it all. Pity I don't remember what happened to Mercedes in Season Three, though. If I did, I could just skip over Tina's stuff for the rest of the year.
So, where was I? Oh, yes: Dreamboat Blaine tells Single-T Tina to buck up -- she can come over to his house that night, and together, they'll find a perfect Diva Week song for her to sing. Tina beams all the way into this evening's next commercial break.
Blaine's Boudoir. A song I can't identify plays softly in the background as Dreamboat Blaine enters with a tray of snacks to find Single-T Tina examining the bedside shrine he's erected to St. Gay Of Lima. "You ever been with a girl?" she asks, because she is an idiot, and this scene is going to be excruciating, isn't it? Dreamboat Blaine replies in the negative, calling himself "a perfect gold-star gay" except for that one time he boozily macked on The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway. Tina giggles that that shouldn't count, and Blaine goes on to explain that while he of course appreciates all of the lovely ladies in his life, he'd never in a zillion years even think about sticking his dick in one of them. Only he's far less blunt about it than I was there, thus allowing Tina an opportunity to sigh, "Well, we're young -- we still have time to find ourselves." Yeah, he's never gonna find any part of himself inside of you, sweetie, so you'd best be advised to cut this shit out now.
Unfortunately, Tina ignores me, and things only get worse when Blaine presents her with the playlist of "classic" diva songs he's picked out for her consideration. She's really quite touched, you see, to realize how highly he thinks of her abilities and potential when she sees the list is full of career-defining hits by such deathless icons of days gone by as Cher and Madonna. God, teenagers are dumb.
Unfortunately, Dreamboat Blaine's barely started in with the jabbering about potential costuming ideas when the NyQuil he took decides to kick in, and after he emits a mighty series of jaw-cracking yawns, Single-T Tina suggests he lie down for a bit. Dreamboat Blaine wearily agrees, and he's of course dead asleep seconds after his overly-gelled head hits the pillow, though Tina won't realize this for a few minutes. That poor girl. "I've been reading a lot about divas," she begins, kicking off what's sure to be a heartfelt little monologue, "and the biggest thing is that they're brutally honest, and if I'm going to be a diva, then I have to be honest, too." Here it comes. "I'm falling in love with you," she admits, "and I realize that this could be a tragic one-way thing, but even if we end up having just a sexless relationship -- which many Asian girls and gay men do -- it'd be worth it." Getting no response from him, and feeling too embarrassed and exposed and whatnot to turn around and face him, she blinks back a couple of tears and half-jokingly begs, "Please say something, here, before I die." Blaine remains silent, so she finally pivots on the bed and realizes he's been unconscious this entire time. Oh, Tina!
And then, to make matters worse, she straddles his sleeping form, unbuttons his shirt, and gently works some of the VapoRub into his freshly-waxed chest. That done, Tina wipes away the bitter, bitter tear now trickling down her cheek, snuggles up next to him in the bed, and... listens to him snore for the next five or six hours? I guess. Poor Tina.
Fake Drama School In New York. About thirty or so students -- including The Horrible Hooker's sycophants and St. Gay's Meth Head Grandpa -- file into a classroom to listen as Dean Geyer explains the Midnight Madness rules to the audience: One song at a time, two singers per song, with the winner of each round chosen by a simple majority vote. With those preliminaries out of the way, Dean Geyer calls The Horrible Hooker and St. Gay to the front of the room and presents them with their randomly selected number, which is this thing from the one musical I hate above all others. St. Gay's up first, but that doesn't really matter because they end up cutting between the two throughout to save on time, and while I can't stand the song at all -- AT ALL -- even I can tell that Rachel clearly outperforms St. Gay. Clearly. I mean, it's not even close, here. In fact, it's a little insulting when St. Gay ends up winning, anyway -- because of course he does, because this subplot would have even less of a point if he lost -- but as I am only too eager to put this episode in my rear-view mirror, I'll choose not to dwell, and instead zip ahead past this evening's next commercial break to land in...
...Coach Sylvester's office, the following morning. "What is with you Glee Club ex-pats?" the lady of the office growls through clenched teeth. "Don't any of you have jobs?" she wonders, turning to face Santana, who's taken a seat in front of the desk. "You have to have some source of income," Sue continues, "so you can pay the staff of scientists who service your teleporters that you all clearly own since you're constantly showing up here." Preach. Santana claims to have a light schedule this semester, but Sue quickly calls her on that brazen bit of bullshit like so: "Do you not remember who got you that scholarship to Louisville? Your current coach is sending me weekly reports, and you dropped out a month ago!" "I hated it there!" Santana protests, hastening to explain, "Everyone thought that I was being a bitch when all I was doing was being brutally honest with people." I feel like I've heard that line before, and I'm nearly certain it was funnier the last time. Santana pleads with Sue to keep the news from her mother, which won't be a problem as Sue doesn't speak Spanish. Besides, Sue actually summoned Santana to her lair for an entirely benevolent reason, anyway.
"I need an heir apparent," Sue tells her, "and I need someone as mean as I am." "Wait," Santana blinks, "are you offering me a job?" "Finn Hudson took over The Glee Club," Sue shrugs, "why can't you take over my Cheerios?" "Besides," she adds with an utterly ingratiating smile on her face, "you've always been my favorite." "This is an amazing offer," Santana realizes, "and with the money that [Gloria Estefan] gave me for New York, I could buy a McMansion in Lima Heights!" She'd also be that much closer to Brit-Brit, as none of us needed her to point out quite so explicitly, but no matter -- Sue gives her until the end of the week to get back with her answer. "I have Paula Abdul coming in to interview as a backup," Sue notes, "and whenever I cancel too late with her, she tends to hit the pills." Atta girl.
Hallowed Halls Of Dear McKinley High. After spending the better part of the previous evening listening to Dreamboat Blaine snore in her ear, Single-T Tina's had enough, and she clomps on over to him to announce, "A diva doesn't settle for less than what she wants, and she won't apologize for wanting it, and I can't get that here, so next time? Don't come crawling back to me -- I'm all outta soup!" At that, Single-T Tina spins herself around directly into her solo for the week, Madonna's "Hung Up," and she's got the oversized boom box and the hot pink midlife crisis leotard and everything.
And I have to believe that this entire performance takes place inside Tina's overheated brain because she immediately trots herself out to McKinley's unlikely outdoor cafeteria to shimmy her way through the bulk of the number, and there is quite simply no way in hell she'd be able to do that in northwestern Ohio in the middle of February without losing all of her extremities to frostbite. In any event, the other Glee Gals jump in to offer her some moral support while a random posse of loudly attired extras backflip in the background, and while it's certainly not the best song to highlight her vocal chops, she does seem to be having fun with it, so good for her.
Fake Drama School In New York. Midnight Madness Aftermath. St. Gay Of Lima's chatting with Meth Head Grandpa when The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway's faithless sycophants shriek up to offer him their congratulations on his stunning upset the previous evening. St. Gay replies to their kind words by calling them "shallow" and "obnoxious," and follows that up by telling them to go to hell. Rude! The outraged sycophants swish off, allowing St. Gay an opportunity to mend fences with The Horrible Hooker, but she's far too busy feeling sorry for herself at the moment, thanks very much, and as she slouches off into this evening's next commercial break, St. Gay heaves a tremendously put-upon sigh. You got yourself into this mess, you unbearable little drama queen, so stuff a fucking sock in it. Bitch.
Music Room. Miss Pillsbury and Bloaty The Gravy Clown present "The First Annual William McKinley High School Diva Award" to Single-T Tina (just go with it), and after the celebrations are done, Tina meets up with Dreamboat Blaine to bring their messy little subplot to a tidy little end. For whatever stupid reason, he apologizes to her, and then he proposes they attend Mr. Schue's wedding next week as each other's plus-one. Tina happily accepts both his apology and his invitation, and they link arms to skip off towards their next adventure together. Or something like that.
My Ancestral Homeland. The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway's barricaded herself in her bedroom, the better to nurse her many psychic wounds in private, but St. Gay Of Lima bursts in anyway in order to deliver a pep-talk so preposterous that I have little choice but to blow right past it, and by the time he's done, The Horrible Hooker has seen the error of her ways, and she vows to be a better person in the future. God, I hate him.
Meanwhile, back in Lima, Crazy Emma completely loses what's left of her goddamned mind over those floral arrangements from earlier -- we're talking full-fledged screaming fit, here, and right in the middle of her office, too -- so Bloaty The Gravy Clown shoves his tongue down her throat. Surprisingly, this calms her down. Unsurprisingly, they're both so mortified by what he's done that Frankenteen has little choice but to lurch from her office into this evening's final commercial break in a blind panic. So, you know. That probably sucks for him.
We return to find Brittany and Santana meeting up backstage at The April Rhodes Civic Pavilion for a little chat, and long story short, Brit-Brit found out Santana was lying about Elaine. "She told me that you paid her with scratcher tickets and an Ani DiFranco t-shirt to pretend to be your girlfriend." Heh. "And I also know that you dropped out of school," Brittany adds. "Well, I'm moving on up!" Santana counters. "Sue offered me a job to train to take over the Cheerios after she dies!" "You can't do that," Brit-Brit sighs, all sad and such. "But why?" Santana frowns. "I mean, it's not like I'd have to wait that long -- I'm totally gonna ricin her protein shakes in a couple of years." Atta girl. That's not quite what Brittany was talking about, however. No, Brit-Brit actually meant that Santana can't keep hiding herself away in podunk little backwaters like Lima and Louisville anymore -- she needs to find a real community, in a place that's "as big and as hot" as she is, so she can finally follow her real dreams. Gee, I wonder where that could be. Anyone have any ideas? Anyone?
Santana puts up a certain amount of resistance to this idea, but it's sort of obvious she's been thinking the same thing herself as of late, and after the two kiss each other goodbye, Santana launches into this evening's final musical number: A performance of Alicia Keys's dull "Girl On Fie-Yah" that takes Santana straight from The Hallowed Halls Of Dear McKinley High all the way over to...
....the Bedford Avenue subway station in Williamsburg! This moment would, I'm sure, feel more triumphant had it occurred during a much more engaging episode. Unfortunately, they've tacked it on to the very end of this jumbled mess, so the impact isn't quite what it could have been. In any event, the song's final line finds Santana approaching the door of The Improbably Bohemian Loft, and she hesitates just a moment before knocking. St. Gay Of Lima answers, and it would be something of an understatement to say he's surprised to see her. "What are you doing here?" he goggles, as The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway stands somewhere in the far blurry background of the shot with her mouth agape. Santana saunters past him to plant herself in the middle of the floor, and -- at very long last -- she replies, "Moving in!" Dun-dun-DUN!
Next up: Wild wedding wackiness! I'm so excited, I could just puke.
Demian is not a trick-ass ho. You may reach him at [email protected].
Previously: The new season of designers found out that all of their challenges will be team-related. Team Keeping It Real won the challenge. David won the first challenge and was delighted. Emily, James and Cindy were in the bottom and Emily got sent home for sending the most unfinished garment in Project Runway history down the runway.
How embarrassing is it that Emily -- the first person ousted -- is in the credits saying, "If you work with me, you better be good"? Apparently, they weren't good enough to lift your team's score so that you weren't eligible for elimination. I would be mortified if I had to watch myself say that after I'd been kicked off. The first kicked off. That seems like the nightmare, right? You've left your job and home, probably done your best not to sound a little braggy when you told people you were going to be on Project Runway... or maybe not. What if you employed the humblebrag, where you drop your accomplishment in such a humble way that you are not only covert in dropping your brag ("I look like a hobo in all of my pants because they're too big"-- that's a really good one, because it's a full-on brag brag) but are also sort of bragging squared because your humility is impressive as well ("Sometimes, you just want to send regrets to all of the invites and just cuddle up at home with your beautiful life")? Either way, there is no real way to avoid a little shame at being the first eliminated, as far as I can see it.
It's morning at the Atlas Building and Matt says that being on the losing team was brutal. He is sorry that Emily left and that no one from their team helped her before it was too late. The guys are gathered around the beds and Daniel offers that at least they know what to expect now. Matt adds that they can learn from the mistakes of others and Daniel tells him that was a good one. I like Daniel. He's peculiar and positive, which is maybe my favorite combination in a person. Sometimes the peculiar turns into crazy, which I'm not so much a fan of, but people who march to the beat of the their own drummer are generally pretty OK by me.
In the ladies' apartment, Cindy is putting on her face and says that she needs to stop feeling like she got run over by a truck and get her head back in the game. Michelle tells her that she wouldn't have been in the bottom if all sixteen designers had been judged separately. She keeps persisting with that logic, much like believing that she would have won the competition if they had all been judged on their own, but it's just not true. Cindy's was certainly one of the bottom three looks. In fact, I think that Michelle's look would have only had a chance at making top three had her team won the challenge. Overall, she was maybe high middle of the pack. But Cindy's was pretty bad. In fact, the badness of the bottom three designs on the Dream Team were, I believe, what dictated the team placement in the first place. Cindy interviews that the thrill of working in teams is gone. She feels that the other designers see her as the weak link and it makes her nervous.
In the other dude apartment, James says that Richard told him that he needs to just move on and forget about the last challenge. Benjamin agrees with that approach. James interviews that he didn't do so well in the first challenge. His take-away was that he should be more greedy as a team member and just worry about himself. Hmm. What exactly did he do to help others that distracted him from his own (pretty bad) work? Maybe he's just talking about the design aspect? He would go in his own direction and not let the group dictate as much of what he did?
At the runway, Heidi greets all of the designers wearing slacks and a loose top that really resemble what Amanda made for the challenge last week. She has topped it off with a little tuxedo jacket. It's cute. She congratulates them for making it through the first challenge. She tells them that they will remain in the same teams for this challenge. DOOM MUSIC. Cindy looks around and interviews that she believes her team members are silently panicking. James says that he still likes his team and rationalizes that the weakest link is out. But, that makes you the next weakest link. Not a good position to be in, though I guess it's better to be confident in these situations than not. Stanley, who is rocking a bit of an early-80's art school look that is the jam, says that he is confident with his team and feels that it is stocked with some really good designers. She reminds Dream Team that they only have seven designers because they lost one in the last challenge. Thanks for that, Heidi.
Then, accompanied by some super jazzy music, Heidi says that she hopes the designers are ready for the next challenge, because it's going to be a "ball." Amanda interviews her guesses -- ball gown or athletic wear. She thinks that both would really suck. The mannequins behind her are like, "It's only just begun, Mandy. Get used to things sucking. Also, get used to bags under your eyes and borderline IBS. This fun house only gets funner." Heidi says that Tim and a guest will meet them at 23rd Street and Park Avenue to give them the details. She wishes them luck and tells them that she will see them back on the runway.
Next, we see the designers at Spin New York. OK, this is gonna be fun. That's the ping pong place. The hottie standing with Tim identified as Brandon Hirsch, General Manager of SPiN NYC (somebody got money for thinking of the little "i"), says that they are the preeminent ping pong social club in the city and they are taking over America. So... this is some sort of alien invasion. And fashion designers are supposed to save us. We're doomed. We see footage of people playing ping pong at the club, including a leggy model in a super-chic ensemble. Frankly, she looks ridiculous. There's a DJ. Of course there's a DJ. Tim VO's that SPiN is the newest concept in nightlife, dining and entertainment. It's owned by Susan Sarandon (and her super-young cute boyfriend) and Tim says that it attracts a lot of "A-listers". Daniel thinks that the idea of ping pong social clubs is outside of the norm and jokes that they only have guns in Texas. Well, he's from Austin and if these guys are taking over America, my bet is that Austin would at least be like the third or fourth market that they would try to break into, with Seattle, San Francisco and Portland. At least, those seem like the most intuitive places to me.
Brandon says that the uniforms at SPiN are currently lacking. He holds up a simple drab T-shirt with the club's logo on the front. They're looking to change them. Tim says that the challenge is to create new SPiN server and ball boy uniforms. They need to be fashionable, fun and upbeat. Michelle says that she is looking forward to this challenge. Brandon reminds them that their slogan is "balls are our business." I like hearing him say that. Patricia apparently does as well. Her eyes grow to the size of saucers. Brandon says that they would like for the ball boy uniform to incorporate the slogan. Tim adds that each team will create five looks. There will be three female models and two male models. Michelle goes "Ooh," which frankly makes me like her a little. I feel like she's trying to lead a lot with personality and it feels a little forced, but this little moment feels organic and, frankly, if I were on Project Runway, I would think that handling a model you were attracted to would be one of the perks, especially when their business is balls. God, that's creepy, but I KNOW I'm not the only one who feels that way. Everyone starts laughing at Michelle's outburst and she laughs and fans herself and says sorry. Each team will have a budget of $500 and a day to finish the challenge. Brandon, who I imagine wears sunglasses indoors a lot and yet I don't hate him -- I mean, some people can just own that, says that the winning designs will be used in their locations across the country. Well, that sounds like fun. Samantha thinks that having your design at Susan Sarandon's club would be a great ad for them as designers.
Then, things get weird. Brandon "thinks" that it would be a good idea for the designers to work at the club before they design the uniforms. I guess there is something useful about that. Tu explains that his parents own a restaurant, so he should be pretty good at this, right? The first thing we see is him dropping beers on the floor. Then, he interviews that this is a little bit different. The ball boys go around and retrieve the ping pong balls that are no longer in play. Amanda finds the work rigorous and announces that she is glistening. Joseph or Joe -- I'm not sure what we're supposed to call him yet -- says that it's important for them to work there so that they can see what the needs of the uniforms are. The mannequins are like, "This ain't the DMV -- why is your entire name on the bottom of the screen? What do we CALL you?" We see the designers asking the employees some questions about their uniforms. One girl is really noncommittal about whether or not she likes blazers. Shady. One girl tells Benjamin that the important thing for skirts is that they be long enough to hide their balls, even though that is their business. Amanda asks a guy if he would like a button-down and he says no. However, he looks like he probably would like the current uniform more than anything so why are we even asking him what he likes? There's a really quick shot of some more spillage and then we're done with this little exercise.
Benjamin tells his team that he has worked in a high-end restaurant as a host and he has done uniforms for that restaurant. So, he's GOT this. Obviously, none of the other people on his team have done anything similar at all, because no one thinks to ask the question, "Where? Just so I can Google that when this whole thing is done." Some people say high-end when they mean self-serious or popular or even expensive, in regards to restaurants. A restaurant being high-end is actually fairly clinical. There are specific things that are sort of required. That being said, SPiN may be scene-y but it is not high-end. You're eating turkey wraps on sofas while drunk people are playing ping pong. Those people playing may be gorgeous models or dudes on SNL, but that doesn't make it high-end. And there. I've given it to you, a condensed version of what I've really learned in NYC as a struggling artist: how to identify a high-end restaurant. I couldn't be sadder. Benjamin explains that he is a natural-born leader, but he's conscious of when that leadership is welcome or not. He's going to trust his intuition and hopefully not step on any toes. The mannequins are like, "Could someone turn the lights on? Oh, you're worried about washing out Powder over there? Fine." And... hold the phone, James is wearing some seriously jacked jeans. Black and white tie-dye? No.
After their training test, Tim asks them how it was and Patricia says that she got fired. Brandon smiles. That's going to be the name of my next album. Tim tells them that they will have a half-hour to meet as teams and sketch, and then he sets them free. Team Keeping It Real begins and Kate suggests that they sketch then discuss, so that they will have the purest ideas on the table. She interviews that this is the first time that the teamwork element has really come into play, since they have to collaborate as eight designers on five looks. The team presents their ideas and they sort of "yea" and "nay" as they go along.
Dream Team is divvying up the responsibilities and Cindy reminds everyone that the ball boy said that they like to wear jeans. Matt says that he will make the pants. He interviews that he started his career in the dance world, and then moved to painting and now he is in fashion design. So he says that he has an artist's heart. Well, he better give that back. He says that he responds to music and pop culture and street culture. Designing a uniform is none of those things, so he's not inspired. Therefore, he chooses the boring pants to make, just so he can help out. Cindy is going to make a jacket and suggests that someone else make a top to go with it, because she doesn't think the one that she would make would be sexy enough. Benjamin says that he will make them, and then sort of puts his hand on Cindy's shoulder in a way that suggests to me that he was trying to tell her to shut up because HE is the born leader on this team. It's funny how people confuse being born a leader with being a bossy person or a know-it-all. You can't really lead without the cooperation of others, because otherwise you are just marching along by yourself. People have to decide for themselves whether to follow you or not. Right now, I'm wondering if only the television-viewing audience is privy to Benjamin's skills as a "born leader." James explains what part of the project he is taking on and Cindy asks him if he will have time for all of that. He seems really confident. He interviews that -- especially since he's doing the menswear portion -- this will be a breeze. The mannequins are like, "Dude, what's with the hands? You landing a plane over there?" You see, James was using his hands a lot during the interview. The mannequins are sensitive to overt displays of arms.
Tim arrives to take everyone to Mood. Each team has a budget of $500 and 30 minutes to shop. Amanda says that Team Keeping It Real doesn't have a solid idea yet. Daniel decides to team up with Layana and he explains in an interview that the judges had some problems with the look in the first challenge. He remembers Heidi saying that you are only as strong as your weakest link, so he's going to give her his support. Kate and Patricia are going to work together as well. Patricia is worried about having to fight for her design a little bit. Matt thinks it's funny that he is making jeans. Denim is the only fabric he needs. Cindy is getting riled up by Benjamin hovering over her as she is choosing fabrics. I mean, come on. You have to expect that people are going to be involved when their fates are intertwined with yours and you made such a crazy bad outfit before. Seriously, when I think back, if Emily had managed even to finish a little bit more of her look last week, I think Cindy would have gone home. That print has haunted be throughout the week. It looked like pollution. Cindy thinks that maybe Benjamin should be looking after James seeing as he is choosing the ugliest blue fabrics in Mood. Well, she would know from ugly fabrics, wouldn't she? Samantha questions a fabric choice of his and he says that he is fine with it. Then, she says, "I don't really dig that, so I'm like, uh..." I had to listen to that 10 times then just turn on my closed captioning to finally understand Samantha. I have to say, you know, don't anybody feel sorry for me, but that is the HARDEST part about recapping a reality show. If you're on, say, Revenge and you slur your words, they are either going to fire you or reshoot the scene after you've gone to a voice coach. Every single episode on this show there is some moment where I'm like, "What in name of all that is Marc Jacobs did that woman just say?"
Joseph says that he thinks it's a good idea to use polka dots on the uniforms for the guys. Richard warns him away from that idea, which is probably a good think. Joseph is super odd and reminds me of a rangy art Brooklyn version of Stanford from Sex and the City. I feel this so strongly that I wonder if maybe I have already written that more than once. If so, it's because I really mean it. He interviews that he wished he could do something unconventional. He says that he has a business where he takes old sweaters and spray paints cats onto them. They are very popular. He has sold about a thousand at $78 a pop. Project Runway does us the courtesy of showing us that the total of that would be $78,000. And they show their work. I'm not sure if that's supposed to be a dig on Sanford or not, like, "Wow, you sold a THOUSAND? That's only $78,000. Loser." Joseph lets himself be toned down by Richard though.
Michelle remarks that Team Keeping It Real seems really cohesive as a team. They all have distinct points of view and are able to work together. She feels like their team is two or three steps behind. Cindy is getting more and more annoyed with Benjamin. She says that he is micromanaging her and she doesn't like it. She says to him that shopping with him was difficult because they have different aesthetics.
Back at the workroom, the groups continue to caucus. Richard tells us that he is not really a menswear designer, but he is going to go for it. In general, their team is pretty positive. Kate is excited to be working with Patricia, but Patricia is feeling she is hiding her design light under a bushel by having to make a simple black legging.
Dream Team has their team talk, too. Matt says that his greatest fear is being generic. Benjamin has his fingers in a lot of pies, because he apparently thinks that he can save his team from being on the bottom by spreading his energy. Everyone feels like James is on his own planet.
Everybody gets to work. Layana is really enjoying working with Daniel, because he is so experienced. Daniel's all like, why wouldn't I help her? She is the weakest link after all. I don't think he means that to sound insulting. He teaches her some great time-saving techniques. He interviews that he loves Layana and would marry her if he was straight. Wait, he's not straight? Mind blown.
Cindy sketches a jacket and tells us that they are her favorite thing to make. Benjamin is still over her shoulder. Then, they have this exchange that I find really frustrating, yet is a window into the personalities of Ben and Cindy. Cindy tells him that she feels like he is micromanaging her efforts, at which point he says that he will step back because he is not trying to do that (which is, of course, a lie -- he's totally micromanaging); but she keeps on talking to him as if he hasn't just said he'll stop looking over her shoulder. For some reason, that makes me crazy. She continues saying that she would like to finish her design without him checking in at every step of the way. Seriously, everything was solved a full minute before she finished talking. Benjamin interviews that he has been very successful as a designer working for fancy folks in London. Shit guy, Cindy is still talking. It's like she's some sort of robot who has been fed a script and it has nothing to do with outside stimuli. She says that she does not have the same experience as he does, but she needs to get her point-of-view across to the judges. I guess when you work with dead people most of the time urgency isn't really that key to your success, but Sister Christmas spit it the fuck out! Benjamin says that he is just trying to be there as a support for Cindy. Michelle agrees that Cindy is being too sensitive. She herself enjoys his input.
There's a screen printer, Paul Bildner, on the premises. Since the logo has to be incorporated into all of the designs. He's there to help with that. That's really cool. Patricia is going to make her slogan glow. Patricia is worried because the judges told her during the last challenge that they would like to see more construction in her designs and a pair of pants don't show that. As Daniel is trying to offer her solutions, she kind of snaps at him and he interviews that Patricia is a little defensive, which won't work in this environment.
Tim comes in for a consultation and starts with Team Keeping It Real. That name doesn't get any less stupid the more I type it. Daniel and Layana explain their design and seem really excited. Daniel has this weird conceptual shape for his vest that is based on the ping-pall ball trajectory while in play. It's very esoteric, but the actual design looks nice. Tim doesn't reveal being confused, but I think he is. The team says that they are on board with what the two are doing. Stanley interviews essentially that Daniel is good, but not as good as him. It's only been a week, boys. Let's chill with that behavior for just a while longer. He is doing a look for a male server and he is working on the look alone. Richard and Joe are designing for the ball boy. Richard explains that he noticed the ball boys losing their stick/net thing that they use to pick up the balls, so they've designed a little back harness for the ball catcher. Balls. I don't know if I was able to mention those things enough. Balls. Amanda is making a look with fabric traditionally used for swimwear, which Tim finds clever. Patricia explains her design to Tim and it takes forever. Tim senses that she is worrying about herself instead of the team. He calls it "ego." Ouch. The team agrees with Tim and she seems unhappy with the criticism. I'm not sure anything got into her head though.
Dream Team's presentation begins with Michelle. Everyone loves what she's doing. Matt and Ben, heh, are working together. Matt says that they are doing the ball boy. Then, he corrects himself. They're doing the uniform for the ball boy, not the ball boy himself. Cheeky monkey. Tim doesn't understand why Matt is making jeans, since they are fairly ubiquitous. They joke about making a kilt and Tim says that he thinks it's interesting. Tim thinks that Cindy's jacket is beautifully made, but he thinks that Benjamin's punk top is a wackadoodle companion piece. Michelle is nervous about being on the bottom again.
Then, James presents his look and says that it was inspired by a ping pong table. Maybe a ping pong table in a flooded basement. Tim declares it a disaster. His team members suggest that he ditch the top altogether. James's feelings are hurt and he wonders where all the hope is. Tim tells the team that they seem like they're in trouble.
Tim tells these bitches to make it work then leaves. There are only a couple of hours left in the day. Dream Team tries to figure out what their problems are. Benjamin kind of inserts himself into everyone else's design process and Michelle interviews that, at this point, it would probably make more sense for Benjamin to concentrate on himself. Tu thinks that he needs to change his dress because it doesn't go with the jacket that Samantha made. Matt decides that he is indeed making a kilt. We see him tell Stanley who gives him a high-five then interviews that it's inappropriate of Matt to make a kilt. How? It's a ping pong palace. Are there any sorts of standard for that sort of thing yet? Just do what you want. Matt says to no one in particular that he had felt like he wasn't being himself and now he does.
The models come in for their fittings. A lot of Dream Team's stuff is not finished enough to go on the models. James's pants are long way from completion, as are Benjamin's shorts. Joe seems a little nervous around his hot male model and Layana interviews that a lot of times the quiet ones are the geniuses. After the fitting, Michelle tells Richard that she is ready for this challenge to be over. That night, at the Atlas Building, Dream Team is feeling shitty. Samantha says that they all get along but it doesn't show in their work. Benjamin feels like he made decisions for the right reasons, but they haven't served him or his team well. Michelle says that Dream Team is pooping the bed. She's done and wants OFF.
The next day, they are all jamming to get finished when Tim drops in to say hello. He tells the designers that they look fabulous and Samantha, who looks particularly scrumptious in this graphic multi-colored frock says that they were just trying to look as good as him. He laughs and says that they exceeded him. Aw, sweet Tim Gunn. Dream Team works together to at least finish everything and they feel good about that. You see poor Michelle have a moment where she's like, "I can help, but... no buts. I can help." It must be scary to let your own look out of your head at this moment and just commit to working on someone else's stuff, but that's what the whole teamwork thing is about, I guess. Kate's not looking around Team Keeping It Real and she doesn't like anything that she sees. She thinks that Daniel and Layana's look belongs in a theme park. She feels like the ribbing in Stanley's look doesn't fit correctly. She thinks Amanda's black dress is far too little.
Hair and make-up happens. There's Scott Patric, hot make-up daddy, doing his thang. Stanley ends up decided to make an adjustment to his look right before Tim walks in. In fact, he takes it off the sewing machine and hands it to the model to put on as they're walking to the runway. He doesn't even have time to check the results.
Heidi meets the designers on the runway and she has a messy hair thing going on and I really like it. She tells Daniel that he looks really cute with the heart that is on his sweater vest. It's kind of Frida Kahlo. I like it, too. She reminds Daniel that he has immunity since he won the last challenge. She introduces Zac Posen, Nina Garcia and says that there is a special guest judge. Who could it be? You know it's some Susan Sarandon, who enters from behind the scrim looking yummy in Diane Von Furstenberg. If it's not DVF, she should sue for copycats. "Ain't she from Thelma & Louise?" asks Richard. Tu says that she has a big booty, but he gestures to the breast area. Susan's chest seems more likely to garner comments than her behind, so I'm just gonna guess that Tu misspoke there or he just has his own language. Susan says hello and says that she knows it's a challenge to be stylish and practical at the same time, so she's curious to see what they all came up with.
We start the show with Dream Team. First up is Michelle's look, which is adorable. It's this modern, sort of shapeless dress in a dark brown. It's sleeveless with a round, sculptural collar. It's cinched at the waist and has pockets. It's sexy and young without being revealing. Samantha and Tu's look is next. It's a black dress and a gray vest over it. The vest is super fitted with a zipper on the front. Samantha made that part. There's a round cut-out on the back, representing the ping pong ball. There is some sheer action on the front of the dress that peeks out over the top of the zipper. The metal of the zipper and the sheer fabric don't seem to go together to me and it makes it seem as if these pieces shouldn't really be companions. They seem happy with it though and Tu, in particular, says that he feels very lucky to get to work with Samantha. James's look is next. It's a guy look and it is gray slacks that end just below the knee and a tank top of white with a block of gray. It's kind of tucked in to hide some construction flaws. The thing about guy clothes though is a proper male model has stuff that pokes out- shoulders, pecs, etc. that make it kinda hot when it's body conscious. They don't look like clothes hangers. So, this look is probably made for shit but it's really tight, therefore, it's kinda hot. This dude's body's slamming.
Benjamin and Cindy's look is next. It's a cute little black tuxedo jacket with three-quarter sleeves and black shorts. Benjamin is really unhappy with the shorts that he made. He feels like crotch is unsightly and that they are boring. They are pretty boring. Cindy agrees that the shorts have some fit problems but she thinks the look is upbeat and high-end. I kind of like the jacket. Matt's kilt is next and it's super cute. The model is really working it, which Matt loves. He's wearing the top that Benjamin originally planned for a companion to Cindy's jacket and I think it's really cute. There's a chaotic line design on the front of it and it's loose and kind of unstructured. Benjamin is not sure about the top, but he thinks that guys in kilts are fun and edgy. Amanda says that she didn't understand some looks on Dream Team.
Team Keeping It Real is next. We first see Layana and Daniel's look. It's for a waitress and it's a long-sleeved white top covered by an interesting vest that has all sorts of graphic cuts in the lapel and a racer back. That's Daniel's esoteric ping pong ball trajectory stuff. The shorts are more short, with a built-in apron in the front. The model looks so cute and acts like she's ready to take an order when she reaches the end of the runway. Layana is very happy with it. Stanley's guy look is next and he made a loose black short-sleeved sweatshirt and drop-crotch pants. They're pretty cool and young. He's happy with the look. Patricia and Kate's look is next. The black leggings are now covered by a tight black skirt and there are shiny strips of black across it. The top is a lavender halter deal that exposes a lot of the back. It's cute though it won't look good on everyone. Kate thinks the girl looks like she's going to yoga. I could see a waitress wearing this though. It's maybe a touch austere. Amanda's little black dress is next. It as square straps and there's a lot of movement in the skirt. It's adorable and very short. The ball boy look is next and it's awesome. It's a T-shirt with white starting and the chest and up, black on the bottom. The logo is on the chest. The pants have large pockets that also sport the slogan. The model is wearing the harness, which has thin straps. It looks like a tiny bow-and-arrow harness. I freaking loves this. Susan says aloud that she loves this one. Michelle says that the team has some real clunkers, so she thinks that it's going to be a close contest.
After the show, Heidi tells Team Keeping It Real that they are the winning team again. Dream Team leaves the runway, while the judges talk to the non-losers. Backstage, James says that he feels that they could have worked as a team better. Onstage, the three top looks return. They are Daniel and Layana's, Stanley's and Richard and Joe's (they apparently call him Joe -- though we see his freaking driver's license complete Christian name every time he speaks). Layana explains that SPiN seemed young, so she thought shorts. Also, the waitresses at the club said they wanted to look sexy for tips. Daniel explains his crazy ping pong vest once more. Zac says that he likes the formality they gave to the t-shirt under the vest, though he thinks there are some balance issues. Heidi likes that the girl isn't too sexy, because she doesn't want to compete with the waitress when she goes out. Nina thinks that it's adorable and very practical. Daniel says that Layana should get immunity if they win. Nina thinks that Stanley's look is futuristic and retro at the same time. Susan says that "the guys" would like wearing the pants. Apparently, "the guys" are very picky. They weren't so happy with "balls are our business" when she first thought of it. You know those rough and tumble ping pong guys -- they're very serious about how they represent. Zac doesn't like drop-crotch, but Heidi loves them. Richard says that they made the t-shirt white at the top, because it dimly lit clubs a black t-shirt can look like it is sporting dandruff on the shoulders. Gross, but true. Heidi likes that they used the slogan appropriately. She has seen the slogan on the wrong place in some of the designs, though Zac coyly says that maybe it was the right place. Cheeky monkeys everywhere. Balls. Zac likes their uses of the typography on the clothing. Nina thinks that the top three looks work very well together. Nice teamwork. Team Keeping It Real goes backstage and they are so excited to have won again.
Dream Team comes out with the bottom three looks. They are James, Cindy and Benjamin and Matt and Benjamin. What? Lame. Matt's was awesome. James goes into this weird description of consumer science where he says that a consumer has to see something nine times before they will buy it, which somehow explains the placement of the logo on his look. Huh? Nina's eyes bug out when he's talking about it, because, really. Seriously. What? You don't really need to be branded if you are already at the place, right? Unless you were kidnapped and brought there and you didn't know where you were. Nina hates the length of the pants. She thinks he looks like a cabana boy. Susan thinks that it's a nice outfit, but nothing about it says that he's a server. Heidi has a problem with it being a tank top that would reveal his armpit hair. That's not as bad as Heidi talking about armpit hair though. Heidi tells Cindy and Benjamin that their look belongs at the reception desk of a hotel in the suburbs. Benjamin says that her comment breaks his heart. Cindy says that they were trying to dress up a sporty place and Zac says that they did that, it just wasn't appropriate. Nina thinks that it looks like it came from a dated catalog. Benjamin offers that, because he stretched himself thin trying to be a leader, he compromised himself as a designer. I can't tell if he's trying to let himself off of the hook or if he's putting himself on the chopping block there. I almost feel like he's being a little noble. Heidi asks Matt, the model in the kilt, how he likes wearing a "skirt." Seriously? He says that it's nice and breezy. Matt, the designer, explains that basic jeans didn't feel expressive enough, so he took the slogan literally and made a free-balling outfit. Susan says that her "guys" wouldn't wear a skirt. Seriously, who are these dudes? Are they straight off the bus from a wrestling meet in Omaha? It's not even that freaking wild for New York. Susan does say that the idea is "ballsy" though. This gets a big laugh from everyone. Zac thinks that there is too much going on. The frenetic design from the logo on a mesh overlay, the slogan on a little pouch right over the model's own pouch, which I guess is a little inappropriate. I just didn't realize how serious ping pong is. Nina says that she loves when the designers are provocative, but he had a client that he needed to please for this challenge. Matt explains that he feels like he is more of an artist than a commercial designer. Zac very politely explains that fashion is married to commerce, which is why it is not a fine art. Nina thinks that it's sad that the team hasn't been able to balance the more creative designers with the less so.
The judges confer. Heidi thought that the kilt was a real mistake. Zac really didn't like the slogan on the front and Heidi agrees that it's tasteless. Nina prefers the outlandish over James's boring look. Heidi reminds everyone that Benjamin had two pieces in the bottom. Zac and Susan agree that Cindy's jacket was generic. Susan had never heard of a skirt before! Zac wasn't wild about the vest from Layana and Daniel's look, but Susan thinks that a girl would be identifiable as a server if she were wearing this. Zac says that drop-crotch pants bother him, because it looks like something sloppy happened. Heidi laughs at the way he fans his comment card when he says that. Heidi thinks that Richard and Joe really thought outside the box. Susan and Nina really loved the harness. Nina presents that the outfit could work for both guys and girls.
The designers return to the stage. Layana is the winner of the challenge. She hugs Daniel. She says that she can call all of her friends and tell them to go to SPiN to see her uniform. It's sweet how excited she is. She goes backstage and is a little emotional. So the bottom two are Cindy and James. Wow, so Benjamin got off the hook. Cindy is... in. She thanks everyone and leaves the runway. Poor James. He interviews that he should have taken more control from the beginning. Tim comes in and remarks that the room is very quiet. He tells Dream Team that everything on the runway looked better than it did the day before. So there's that? James goes to clean up his work space and says that this is just a growing point for him. He just has to work harder to get what he wants.
Jeff Long is a writer/performer in Brooklyn. He can be reached at [email protected] and followed on Twitter at @jblong.
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It's time to think about Heidi and what she wants to wear. Again.
Stanley and Daniel are weirdly talking smack about Kate in the beginning, though she really hasn’t gotten any criticism. The designers go to the workroom and Tim tells them that they will be working with an important client: Heidi Klum formerly Seal. They will be designing a look for Heidi to maybe wear in an advertisement for her new fragrance, Surprise. They need to stick with the color scheme for the perfume bottle, which is pink, black and gold. The teams stay the same. They have to present looks for press events and looks for a commercial for the fragrance. Michelle mentions that Dream Team gets to work on individual looks, while Team Keeping It Real has to team up for some looks. At Mood, Layana and Kate almost don’t have enough money for supplies, but Layana works it out.
Joe and Amanda are working together and have problems understanding each other from the beginning. They finally really come together in a big way and I hope it’s a success because they are both such great sports about not seeing eye to eye. Matt is feeling really insecure about the challenge, because he’s not really a dressmaker. During Tim’s consultation, he notes that Matt seems full of despair. Layana kind of throws Kate under the bus and makes it look like Kate’s choices have made her nervous.
Oh man, Benjamin has a moment where he tells us that he was in an emotionally abusive relationship that really affected his self-esteem. He breaks down talking about it and his pain and fear is really palpable. This episode is a real nailbiter because you’re seeing all of this stuff and you don’t want anyone to get eliminated. It looks like my fears are founded though, as Benjamin’s look is almost a total disaster and everyone from his team has to help him finish.
Kristin Davis is the guest judge! Team Keeping It Real keeps it strong, with the exception of Richard. Matt hates his dress, but the rest of the team (except for Benjamin) is pretty good. Team Keeping It Real wins. Again. The bottom looks belong to Benjamin, Matt and Cindy. Zac tells Matt that his look is trashy. He tells Cindy that the iridescence of the fabric is like aurora borealis. Nina thinks that Benjamin’s girl looks shipwrecked. They tell Stanley and Richard that they hated their looks. Daniel, Layana/Kate and Patricia have the top looks. Zac tells Patricia that her dress is too young for Heidi. You can imagine how well that goes over.
Kate and Layana’s dress wins! It’s Kate that gets immunity though. Daniel also wins! He’s so sweet. He gets emotional. He says that he can from nothing and now he’s something. This episode is really emotional. Matt is in. That’s cool. It’s down to Cindy and Benjamin. Cindy... is out. She interviews that she is very grateful. She tells Tim that he changed her life and he’s why she is a fashion designer. Man, tears all around.
There's a debate at the TWoP offices about whether Parks and Recreation is too nice, too pleasant and just plain obnoxious in that "Kumbaya" naively optimistic kind of way. If you've read anything I've ever written about this show and my unceasing love for it, you'll know which side I stand on, but I think it's an interesting point, especially without absurdist 30 Rock and often-dark Community (if last night's premiere is any indication) airing alongside the series. Our Pawnee friends go through waves of highs and lows -- my fellow LesliBen shippers will agree -- and right now, things are just very good for the group of characters we've come to know, love and root for. Parks & Rec has no intention of being like Breaking Bad in trying to get us to root against the protagonist, but instead tells a story of an odd collection of people navigating themselves through an even stranger small city. The surprises aren't in everything working out okay in the end, but rather, in how the gang is going to solve their problems and who they're going to pass along the way. It's almost like a legal procedural (hence all of the West Wing comparisons last season), but with way more calzones.
Anyway, "Ann's Decision" was really funny and had lots of great callbacks, as always, so let's get to it.
Leslie and Ann: A-
The premise of Ann wanting a baby so shortly after realizing that she even likes kids was a bit of a stretch, and I thought it was strange that no one pointed out how Ann dating herself was clearly costing her a lot of money (two meals every time?!), but otherwise, I loved this storyline. If there was ever any question about Parks & Rec being a feminist show, I would point here, as the topic was handled delicately and hilariously, its only fault not being the presence of Channing Tatum (who would actually be kind of amazing on this show, playing a character and not just himself). Other little bits, like Ann going skydiving, Leslie revealing to be a skilled ice skater (though she didn't take advantage of her expertise during "The Comeback Kid"), all of the sweet comments Leslie said to Ann about her beauty and wit, the tragedy that they're both heterosexual, Leslie's invitation to the Jell-Olympics and the uterine cartoons were a lot of fun, too.
Leslie's Best Line: "My god, I have driven Ann right into the belly of the Douche."
Ann's Best Line: (On what she'd like at the sperm bank) "Some sperm?"
The Sperm Donors: A
I'm a sucker for these revolving door type-jokes, but I thought this segment was pretty fantastic. We know all of these characters well by this point, and everyone hit their marks perfectly. The surprises worked, the rhythm was great and I love that we got to learn just a bit more about the guys of Pawnee.
Sewage Joe's Best Line: (By the way, I was just saying in last episode's post how much I missed him!) "If you're looking to buy some weed, I'm looking as well."
Knuckle Hair Dave's Best Line: He doesn't get one, he's just a dick.
Dr. Harris's Best Line: "Small office, mine's way bigger."
"Pistol" Pete Disellio's Best Line: "I see what's going on here. You want my sperm... When will women in this town stop scheming to get my sperm?" (So good!)
Howard Tuttleman's Best Line: "I'm gonna scan a quick pic of them boobies for a deposit in El Banco del Spanko -- that was The Douche talking. Douche Nation. You guys know where the library is?" (To be fair, I think I typed out literally everything he said in this episode.)
Councilman Milton's Best Line: "I just wanted to toss my name into the ring in respect to this Indian woman's vagina."
Andy, April, Jerry and Donna: B
The best thing about this plot is that Andy got to have a smart and subtle idea without it being an amazing accomplishment. Honestly, I feel much more chemistry between him and April than I do between Leslie and Ben (they even topped our "Couples We Want to Hang out With" list) these days, though maybe that's because they're more into PDA and the best LesliBen stuff is off-camera. But I digress: this plotline was perfectly fine and made me laugh, but I feel like the writers took April's character a few steps back all for the sake of a joke about Leslie's pantsuits... not that I'm totally complaining. And that B would have been a B- if not for Andy having Fruit Roll-Ups on his fingers at the second public forum meeting.
Andy's Best Line: "Fleetwood Mac Sex Pants -- new band name, I call it! Oh, you know what, maybe just 'Fleetwood Mac.'"
April's Best Line: "This suit makes me want to scold a Catholic child. I don't know who Ann Taylor is, but I hate her and I want to kill her."
Jerry's Best Line: N/A
Donna's Best Line: "This one is terrible, but it is slightly less terrible than the rest." (Slim pickings.)
Ben, Chris, Ron and Tom: B+
I appreciate that the best of the wedding stuff we've seen so far is from Ben's perspective, since it gives him something to do while Leslie balances the rest of her life -- though, I would like to see at least one day of Ben at his new collection of jobs. In any case, the food poisoning was hilarious and extremely satisfying, what with the calzone thread coming back up, the decision to have JJ's Diner cater the wedding of the millennium and the scene with Ben dialing Tom's extension via his face. And I love that Tom considers himself a "foodie" because he Instagrams pictures of food, as well as the way that Ron pronounced "toilet bowl." Oh, and I guess Chris and Shauna are still seeing each other? Sure, why not?
Ben's Best Line: "The calzones... betrayed me?! Never again guys, as God as my witness, they're dead to me."
Chris's Best Line: "I was dying earlier today and then I died. Now I'm dead."
Ron's Best Line: "I have voided more than Tom's body weight in the last 12 hours alone. He might have just disappeared off the earth."
Tom's Best Line: "Number 3's told a story. A story from a book I wouldn't read, but I would watch the movie of."
Honorable mentions:
First of all, Lance Armstrong... I think. Where do we stand on him? Then there's Leslie's Team Anniston patch and the Sweetums Candy-Flavored Condom, the people are the public forum, including but not limited to: scaredy-cat Walt; local hero and topless park pioneer Harris; petition signer Farts McCool; and the guy who doesn't want April to use numbers when telling him how much the park is going to cost him. Of course Jean-Ralphio gets a shout out, and I wish him luck on his catering company and his definitely soon-to-be guilty charge of counterfeiting Euros. Props are also necessary for Crazy IRA (who's gonna be a creepy uncle one of these days), Breasty Bertha, the sound guy at the radio show, whoever allowed The Douche to get license plates that say 8008IES (or some variation thereof), and Councilman Howser, who is notthe or a douche. And hey, it's only a matter of time until we see the businesses next to JJ's, right? Correct me if I'm wrong, but has the show ever taken us inside TrampStamp Tattoos, the ChloroTech Cadmium Refinery or that Galaxy place?
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We return to CGIsland to learn Anton "Tiny" the Giant's backstory and how humans brought death to his realm.
Welcome back. The mini-hiatus was delay enough, so let's get right to it. "Tiny" is one of those episodes in which nothing big happens, yet every little thing seems hugely important. Before traveling to the Storybrooke realm, Cora shrunk Anton "Tiny" the Giant (Jorge Garcia) and stowed him on Hook's ship. When last we saw Anton, he was living alone in his post-apocalyptic CGIsland. In flashbacks to his realm, we learn that, once upon a time, Prince James had an affair with Jacqueline "Jack" the Giant Killer (Cassidy Freeman). As those of us who have been paying attention know, Prince James is neither charming nor Charming. He is the twin who was raised by the evil King George Charles Widmore.
In the enchanted past, Anton, the runt in a litter of more gigantic giants, is tired of being picked on by his brothers and dubious of their anti-human bigotry, so he descends the beanstalk. When money-grubbing King George learns of this, he dispatches James and Jack to befriend Anton. The plan is for James and Jack to manipulate Anton into taking them to CGIsland, so they can raid the treasure room and steal some magic beans, which go for a pretty penny on the L'enchantement black magic market. Jack gives Anton a magic mushroom (which she probably got in Wonderland). It shrinks Anton to a more workable size and mercifully cuts down on use of green screen. Anyhow, George's evil plan plays out fairly well for Team Evil. Jack manages to kill all of the giants (save Anton, who is dispatched to destroy the bean crop) before she is dealt a mortal blow. James leaves her to die on CGIsland, and absconds with a bag full of treasure.
Storybrooke Present: Before leaving L'enchantement for Storybrooke, Cora again shrunk Anton and then caged him on the ship. Hook brings Snow and Charming to the ship and shows them Anton. When Snow releases the not so giant Giant, he mistakes Charming for James and attacks him. Fortunately, Snow is armed with her trusty bow and arrows, so she saves her prince, for the nonce. Anton runs off.
Regina, it seems, has taken the first exit off the road to redemption and is doing her mother's bidding. She finds Anton, tells him she is no fan of the prince either, and gives him a magic mushroom which temporarily restores him to his original size. During his vengeance quest, Anton terrorizes Storybrooke until Charming (whose real, given name is David -- more on that in the recap) offers to surrender, provided Anton will let the rest of Storybrooke live in peace. Anton accepts the deal and charges toward David, which is a bad idea. Because of his size, the ground beneath his feet gives way and he falls right through.
Since Storybrooke straddles the divide between L'enchantment and our world, its residents are subject to both fairy tale magic and Murphy's Law, so while Anton is stuck in a hole of his own making (been there, buddy), he reverts to human size. David and the gang save and befriend Anton. While they're at Granny's Diner, talk turns to their inability to return to L'enchantement. It is then that Anton reveals he saved a clipping from a magic beanstalk. Cora brought him to Storybrooke so that he could plant it, in hopes of growing more magic beans. Although the white hats are disinclined to further Cora's plan, they still think it's a good idea to grow some magic beans. Grumpy and the other dwarfs (except amnesiac Sneezy) welcome Anton into their fold. They help him till the earth and plant his seedling, and will help him guard his precious crop. (No, I don't know why it takes seven guys with pickaxes to dig one hole for one tiny plant. Just go with it.) Grumpy hands the not so giant Gian a pickaxe, and the name Tiny appears on its handle. When Anton confesses that was his brothers' nickname for him, Grumpy smiles and says the axe never lies. Can we just make Jorge a regular now please, Show? Just seeing his face makes me almost as happy as Happy.
Meanwhile, Rumpy, Emma and Henry set out for New York. Still a coward at heart, Rumpy is terrified of the outside world. His fear only grows when he realizes that outside of Storybrooke, he is unable to wield magic. His reaction to having to remove his shoes in the airport is a highlight of the episode, as is hearing the flight attendant welcome the passengers to Ajira Air Other high points include having David's original name confirmed and Grumpy's reaction to this news. Our favorite crank even takes one for the audience as he tries to suss it all out.
In other news, Red tries to reach out to Belle, who is still freaked out about being magically healed by a strange man who wields fireballs. Gregor Mendel overhears her, and later visits her hospital room and tells her he knows she's not crazy because he saw the same thing. Dun dun dun!
I'll be back with the full recap later this week. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page and then come on over to the forum, where no one touches our crop.
That's what Boyd puts forth to Ava, and it's surprisingly romantic.
Boyd and Colton are combing Clover Hill trying to find anyone who might secretly be Drew Thompson. Ava wants to see if Judge Executive Furry will help them, while Johnny wonders how Boyd can be so sure that Wynn will honor his end of the bargain. Boyd dismisses the latter concern, but Ava prevails upon him to go with her plan of blackmailing Judge Executive Furry to get them invited to a swinger party hosted by the former Sheriff Napier. We don't get that far this episode, but what does happen is that Ava confesses to Boyd that Ellen May's death is tearing her apart and tells him she needs to know where they're headed for her to stay loyal to him. In response, Boyd takes her to a Harlan hilltop and tells her stories and dreams from his childhood before handing over the cash we saw him storing away in his ceiling and telling her it's for a down payment on a house, wherever she wants. Oh, and there's an engagement ring in there too, so we've got a Harlan wedding to look forward to. The big question is what the ratio of guests to metal detectors will be.
Colton's going off the rails, smoking heroin and smacking whores around in an effort to find Ellen May, and when Tim, visiting a former military buddy who used to be a druggie but is now clean, runs into Colton again, Tim's friend pegs Colton as a user. When Johnny sees what Colton did to this one girl's face, he insists she tell him who's responsible, but with Colton having threatened to do something to her tongue that would make her eligible for the lead role in a remake of The Piano, she lies and fingers one of her regular clients. Colton and Johnny pay him a visit, and Colton ends up beating the crap out of the guy for a crime he himself committed; also, even though he does so on Johnny's order, Johnny seems to note that he takes things a little too far. And I thought heroin sapped your energy?
Josiah's stunt from last week leads to some delicious foot puns, courtesy of Art, and Raylan pursuing his hobbled quarry and finding a telltale walking-boot print leads to him and Shelby, of all people, teaming up to track down Roz once again. Turns out it wasn't Josiah's idea to lose his foot; instead, two men relieved him of it, and would you like to know the reason? It's because they think Josiah is Drew Thompson. Raylan does not let on the significance of this discovery to Shelby, but if there's anything last week taught us, it's that Shelby isn't to be underestimated, and he convincingly makes the case to Raylan that he's not in Boyd's pocket like Raylan thinks (at least partially true) and that he cares most about the law (we'll see about that one). But he certainly makes the whole thing look good by arresting Boyd and bringing him to talk to Raylan. The best part is he basically accuses him of killing Ellen May when he knows she's safe at his house, but Boyd is still too pro to give up any information without an arrest.
When we join Cairn, he is in a bad way, although he also proves he is one tough mofo; we also learn that Arlo's and Boyd's lawyer brokered the kidnapping, but the fact that one of the two men she hired for the job is a complete psycho is destabilizing her ability to control the situation. The psycho decides to stop Josiah's bleeding by cauterizing his wound with a blowtorch, but while Raylan and Shelby don't quite get to him in time to prevent that, they do rescue him and take the lawyer and Mutt and Jeff into custody. Josiah then tells them he tried to get Raylan out of the way so he could track Thompson down himself and hopefully use him as a bargaining chip to get rid of his tether. When asked how he planned to do that, Josiah tells them there's a former lawman in Harlan who would know where Thompson is -- Hunter Mosley, who tried to have Raylan killed back in Season One. So we don't get either reunion with a former Harlan sheriff just yet, but damn if I'm not on the edge of my seat for next week already. Also, it looks like Raylan and Shelby might stay teamed up, and I wouldn't have imagined that pairing, but I sure do like it.
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