[txkingupspxce]

~monique's index

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monique/ nikki · 24 · she/her

welcome to the museum of being and longing- take a second and linger, feel- take up space.

main blog @velvetcloxds

you’re welcome to like and reblog, but i don’t give permission for any of my works to be reused or reposted

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© txkingupspxce 2024

[txkingupspxce]

it remains in the shadows mostly doesn't bother me or haunt me i rarely remember to look for it except when time stills in a moment and i look back to find that it's not just looming the light lets it fall into me like it's slowly been devouring me

~loneliness

[txkingupspxce]

if i was made for everyone else and no one was made for me if i remake myself for myself what was i made to be

~nothing for nobody

[txkingupspxce]

and i’ve never been more than a reflection an obedient shadow of what was controlling me trauma, expectation, food, fear, sickness- so many variants of myself and i’ve had no say in them have never been more of less just hovering between when and then never been able to recognize myself beyond them

~out of control

[txkingupspxce]

do not tell me how i feel what i am you have not had to survive me crawl back into belonging in my body i am not what you say you are not in my soul

~observation

[txkingupspxce]

it feels like too much of my life has been spent proving my pain convincing, shouting, begging, lamenting that a mere moment of silence relief does not contradict does not erase in its entirety a lifetime of sorrow you insist not to see i am telling you exactly what’s real listen to me

~ as it seems

[txkingupspxce]

life doesn’t stop in the midst of abuse it sifts through it conditioning becomes nature hopelessness becomes normal lies become reality desperation and exhaustion hidden behind every filtered photo documented days of pretend peace burdened with the pain to come or the pain fled from forced acceptance moment to moment unpredictable, unpromising like escape what should and should not be gets blurred between what’s known and what is allowed to be seen isolation, deconstruction play along for him, or for me? for compliance, for safety who of me remains to set free?

~flight and fight.

[txkingupspxce]

confined in many ways by the deficits of my own making the milestones of my age that were set aside along the way replaced with discoveries for outside needs no consideration for the days when i were to be my own me and in my lacking it embraces me like shackles chains sown into my bones

~slow, all alone

[txkingupspxce]

you’re happier away could argue that it’s the lost signal with nothing to say or that you haven’t been near him in days i waste every second conjuring it to stay that way how terrible in the question of your happiness i consider the lack thereof my burden not yours as if it’s only me who is betrayed when your smile is led astray do you also wish to remain in away?

~greedy for peace, for okay

[txkingupspxce]

imprisoned through my own creation in a body that wasn’t born like this somehow twisted into this unknown wrong for my soul yet i have to take it wherever i dare to go

~ i do not feel like how i am

[txkingupspxce]

finding, as i grow how drastic the change in writing the longing for love words no longer dreamlike or hopeful, rather desperate, burderend tragic i remember dreams of gestures and romance lately, when i sleep i only see arms to be home in

~growing into reality

[txkingupspxce]

what a failure i've turned out to be unable to give any more than me unable to see past today's capabilities no thought beyond what chaos is at hand head void of anything but salvage plans surrounded by such clutter such noise placed at the centre of some cruel maze surrounded by all that's wanted of me no desire to escape abandon me in this makeshift peace

~is there any quiet in me?

[txkingupspxce]

surely there had to be a time where hate wasn't so easy for me where the mirror wasn't the face of tragedy where beauty wasn't a senseless fantasy clinging to visions i've never been so obsessed with weightlessness it haunts every lucid dream was i ever not embarrassed to be seen?

~exposure therapy

[txkingupspxce]

in a waiting room of life somewhere wonder how it's possible i've been left so long in here sitting in those creaking chairs alone among the sterile walls waiting for my name to be called

~when do i live?

[txkingupspxce]

didn’t find much sleep lately listening for the screaming waiting for her to need me

~ever, actually

[txkingupspxce]

one week i knew what you were doing two weeks i would convince her not to be foolish three weeks i would applaud your act four weeks tired, even i would begin to crack five weeks you called her sweetheart six weeks i wondered where that voice was seven weeks i can’t believe you tricked us eight weeks one day and that’s just being optimistic

~i’ve seen this play before

[txkingupspxce]

a memory reel of before photos identical to the after-photos

~stagnant