*Rick’s first day as a bartender*
Mike: a piña colada please
Rick: okay
Mike: can you make it virgin?
Rick, trying not to cry: yes I know how to make it
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Show & Tell
One Nice Bug Per Day

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@tyoincorrect
*Rick’s first day as a bartender*
Mike: a piña colada please
Rick: okay
Mike: can you make it virgin?
Rick, trying not to cry: yes I know how to make it
Mike, parking: can you go in and get us a table?
Vyvyan: sure
{ several minutes later }
Vyvyan, sprinting out of the restaurant carrying a table: START THE FUCKING CAR
Rick: if our house was on fire and you could only save one thing what would it be?
Mike:…our house?
Neil: writing stuff down is nerdy? what do you do then?
Mike: just forget stuff like a cool person
Rick: every talk I have with you people gets more and more absurd
Neil: you say “you people” like you’re not apart of the family. well, I have news for you, you’re already on the Christmas card
Neil: you make a lot of people around here nervous
Vyvyan: that’s because they’re all bitch-ass white boys
Rick: hate to break it to you, Vyvyan, but you’re also a bitch-ass white boy
Mike: I love murder mysteries
Vyvyan, trying to impress him: I’ve been the LEAD suspect in FIVE murder cases
Neil: Rick and Vyvyan? Dead? Let me tell you something, those two are literally impossible to kill. To prove a theory I tried to shoot them with a real gun. The bullet missed, ricocheted off a frying pan and broke a cabinet full of bottles which I then slipped on and fell over
Neil: hurt my pride more than anything…except my tailbone, which I bruised
Rick, singing: making my way downtown walking fast
Rick:….
Rick: walking slower so Mikes little legs can catch up to me
Mike: -and now for a gay update from Vyv
Vyvyan: getting gayer !
Mike: that’s the spirit, vyv
Rick: I love living in this house, we all have a lot of laughs
{ earlier that day }
Rick: Fuck off, Neil. I’m not going to your fucking birthday party
[ at Vyvyans funeral ]
Mike: he surely will be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his death several ti-…aaand there he is at the back in that big stupid hat. I’d like to apologise to everyone here once again-
Mike: Would you guys consider yourselves happy?
Neil: I don’t think I’m very happy, I always fall asleep to the sound of my own screams
Mike: just try and break it to him gently
Vyvyan: okay…I’ll try
{ that night }
Vyvyan, tucking Rick into bed: once upon a time your parents are dead
Neil: Can you tuck me in?
Rick: this is a spade?
Neil: Yeah, just make sure the dirt is spread over me as evenly as you can
Vyvyan: well I manage my department and I’ve been doing that for several years now, and god I’ve learned a lot of life lessons along the way
Neil: your “department” is just you
Vyvyan: yes, Neil, but I am not easy to manage
Rick: you’ve got the look of updog on your face
Vyvyan: what the fuck?
Vyvyan: you’ve got the look of “I let my dog lick peanut butter off my balls” look on your face, bitch
Rick:
Rick: not much , how about you?