still not sure if I am alive

coeliac working two jobs to finance a life as a student still trying to graduate wannabe a midwife some day I do not know what I am good at I am aware of my mental illness

[type-o-positive]

All my skills turning unworthy, all these things I've ever learned are worthless. I am not disabled, neither have I grown up in a different culture.

Waiting until I am going to feel enough for you and everyone around you.

Even if youre telling me nearly everyday that I am, I will never feel right in your circle.

Waiting for the day that will show me what language yall are speaking, so I can learn it and finally feel accepted.

We live with such a short distance, both have the same degree, same religion, speak the same languages and look a like. And still, I feel so misunderstood, talking to a wall and just hearing you apologise. And I guess there won't be a single day, where I am not feeling like an Alien around you and your friends.

They won't tell me I am different, wrong or unwanted. But we all know, I am not wanted at these events. Your grandparents smiling at me, complementing my baking skills. But it will forever feel like I am just a phase for you. Not blonde enough, not blue eyed, not skinny enough. Studying the wrong topic, not enough like the rest of them.

Feels like a cult, where everyone who tries to disrupt the system with questions and critical perspectives is wrong. I can feel it in my veins, if I am turning around, they will look at me. I can feel their eyes burning thru my skin, leaving scars that won't ever heal properly.

I am sorry for all the times you didn't go to a party or an event, just because I wasn't invited too.

I know you are a freel soul, but when is the day finally coming, where you're breaking out and start being honest to yourself?

[kadunud]

[lizzyreyy]

‘cause you are unfixable

I can’t break through your world

[andyspreciouslittlelife]

my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder

[type-o-positive]

Can we please talk about being intelligent and aware of it, but not having an iq high enough to be certified for Mensa. Especially in social situations, like I know I have problems with other people because I think different, more abstract and I recognise more patterns and I can calculate faster in math and I also remember more things and am able to learn faster. But I am still not smart enough to be highly gifted. I am over the average, but under the border of highly gifted. I get along with highly gifted people, because I can relate to them, but I also know that I can't make them feel understood, like they make me feel. I know, I'm not good enough for them and I also know, that I am not better than anybody but it's also hard to feel like an alien between average iq people. Like yes, I've been able to speak lvl 9 English in school, when we just started having English classes, although none of my parents speak or spoke English. But at the other side there was French class, where I was so bad because of my ADHD and I was uninterested. On top of it are there the social problems. Many people who are highly gifted, have social problems such as I do. But I still feel, like I cant be a match to somebody whos highly gifted because I am not good enough for them.