u is what u is

swimming through the oxygen.

[ughhhhhyuck]

pre-dead of summer

It is almost July which means it is almost 27 days from my birthday. Maybe I shouldn't put that information on internet, but I am sure you could find it otherwise. I will be 21 this July and it is a bittersweet feeling. Being the youngest (with a rather signifcant age gap between me and siblings) makes getting older feel painful. Everyone else around me is just getting older too and maybe it shouldn't be painful, but rather beautiful, but I cannot help getting those dark thoughts where I am sitting at everyone's funeral--- Anyways this is not what this post was supposed to be about at all.

I actually wanted to talk about the virtues of taking time to yourself. By now we should all be sick of those "self help" tips and tricks, but really getting down to enjoying time in your own thoughts and skin. I feel like we take these moments for granted, or that we are often pursuaded to take them for granted.

For isntance, I tell people that I am literally doing nothing this summer besides reading, writing, decluttering, meditating, and swimming (etc.) and people have all this judgement. I hear "Why don't you get a job?" or "What about your future?", as if I am supposed to be moving to Russia and having four kids by August 1st!Honestly I would not even feel bad or like I am not doing enough with my life right now if poeople weren't so consumed with these sort of thoughts themselves and then pushing them onto other people. Never let anyone make you feel that way. You are exactly where you need to be. Doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing! It is when we listne to other people's judgements that we start to question our own integrity. We are valid. So what I'm taking three months off from doing anything? I think spending time with myself is enitrely worth it.

Finally I know I am luckier than most for even having the privilege to complain about these things. I never want any one to think that I am bragging or being self-absored. Also I am still with the boyfriend... he's kind of growing on me. If he fucks this up it's not my fault.

[ughhhhhyuck]

‘bout to smoke another blunt by myself

On this fine evening I am confronted with feelings of sadness. I think having a boyfriend just makes me depressed in general. Like I am so much happier--or maybe I just force myself to be happier-- when I am single. My friends, although I am grateful for them, sort of suck right now. I don't feel like I am cool enough for some of them, which is a feeling I thought would have died long before I turned 20. A note to all you "youngings", still living out your teenage dreams and fevers: it does not. Then the flip side isn't much better, where some of my friends seem to always want too much of me. It is exhausting. Please find other forms of entertainment besides my humiliating spunk and charisma. Where and how can I find this balance? I just want to feel loved, understood, and appreciated much like everyone else. I think one of the hardest things in life I am learning to deal with is knowing that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, even when where I am is not at all ideal. I am supposed to be scared sometimes. My friends are supposed to suck sometimes and I am supposed to be sad sometimes because of it. It is all a part of this grand character development which will lead to me publishing my memiors (btw stay tuned for those). I just got to keep my head up and continue to swim through the oxygen, as I do.

[angeltit]

[ughhhhhyuck]

Last  thing...

I also sort of have a boyfriend right now, which goes against everything that I believe in. I don't want him to call me his "girlfriend" because I don't like it when men think they like posses me; just like I don't like saying I have a boyfriend because it makes me sound like I'm holding somebody down. Life is too short for that bullshit. We either married for life or just hanging out. I'm kidding. But in all reality he told me that he loved me last night which is sort of terrifying, even though I told him that I loved him before that. He actually puts stock into a four letter word, that I also use to describe how I feel about pickles. But I do in fact like him a lot. I'll keep you posted.

[ughhhhhyuck]

Two more things

Speaking of trauma. Doesn't like everyone have it? I don't know a single person who never faced any sort of adversity in their lives and don't have like things that get them acting funny. Like even my mom has trauma. She can't eat patatoes because her mom (my gandma) made her eat them too much as a kid.

[ughhhhhyuck]

Another thought

Okay I have just come to this realization that I am likely traumatized for life. Shit really does suck. Like I hate to admit it becuase I know how much my life changes in even 6 months, but these thoughts man. Yesterday, I was enjoying the outdoors and randomly this thought came over my head just how terrible the things I put up with were. The worst part is that those evil people are still out there living their lives. But they can't touch me. I am protected.

[ughhhhhyuck]

Okay so

I think my favorite thitng about tumblr is looking at my old page I made in 2014 and questioning why the hell was I so sappy and sad back then. I practically had a Perks of Being a Wallflower fanpage...

[7ap]

[dgtrf]

[valerie-gi-deactivated20160607]

[cankathleen]

[sunandsaltyair-deactivated20170]

[ughhhhhyuck]

Another thought... I realized within the last few days that I was a completely different person like late December through 'earlier' January. Holy shit. I was acting reckless.

[ughhhhhyuck]

Here’s an Update

So I've been staying at my friend's place for the past couple of nights as a little get-away while my roomate is sick. It's very calm and peaceful here. It's a nice place to sort of clear my mind and just breathe for second. Even if it is just a few blocks away from home. As typical as it sounds, I've sort of come to the conclusion that I have issues. I'm terrified as hell to let anyone in. Potentially pathologically lying to everyone about what's going on with me. I feel so disconected from my mind and body sometimes. I watched a youtube video (come after me I know) as to how I may help fix it though. This woman suggested to make a "Feelings Journal". Within in it I'd write down how I am feeling each day and then bit by bit break those basic emotions down into complex and disctriptive ones.

[xvtvi]

[serizona]

[ughhhhhyuck]

it’s been minute

When first creating this tumblr account back in 2013, I never thought it be something I would so frequently want to come back to. I've posted things here and there but now I really want to make it my own. I know it's been done too many times to count, but I want to use thise account to voice my thoughts. Even if they just go out to the void of endless content on the internet, at least they're here. This is my foot print; this is my mind. But this is NOT some sort of Wattpad emo teen ick.

[luxoffux]