ngl this is diary lol @ughletmelive - Tumblr Blog

it’s so fucked up much of your life you lose to mental illness. like, i lost most of my 20s. i’m getting the backend with the last three years but still. i lost like 7/8 years of my life just being scared to exist. ugh.

#recovery

hate having ocd. love having an ocd diagnosis. i’m still panicking BUT at least im validated

lilcowgirl7-deactivated20210223

You cannot live alone on the fantasies you feed to your mind, eventually you have to touch your life for real, assess and analyze your habits, understand your character, try not to hate yourself for your character as it was shaped when you were very young by circumstances outside of you, and begin learning how to cope with your character, how to build habits that work for you, finish small projects, finish big projects, expose yourself to more uncomfortable situations, assess why you want to leave that friendship before you leave it, raise your anxiety levels on purpose, so that you can grow, raise your work load on purpose, so that you can grow, so that you can build resilience, so that your life expands, and can be experienced by you in full and in reality

okay so OCD exposure therapy will make your PTSD worse, but PTSD exposure therapy will make your OCD worse AND I HAVE BOTH!!!!!!BOTH SEVERELY BTW!!!!!!!!!!

#my therapist is trained in trauma ocd so like it SHOULD be fine but i’m already having more flashbacks since i started EPR #im genuinely quite frightened 🤪🤪

I JUST SCROLLED DOWN MY BLOG AND LIKE WAIT ACTUALLY MAYBE WE HAVE A LITTLE RAY OF HOPE HERE

#i think jayvik fics are curing my mental disorder and ppl should write more of them specifically for me #BTW #i HATE exes to lovers trope #but these bitches………..#they’re hitting i cannot deny #arcane made me like a trope i had sworn hatred for and i think that’s almost exactly like jayvik and that’s beautiful

i do still believe im manipulating my therapist into believing i have ocd tho

i take back everything i’ve ever said i love being diagnosed with OCD

#i know what’s wrong and it is SO much easier to cope now #especially bc my therapist specializes in ocd #that being said i’m def having a panic attack rn BUT #they’re easier to deal with

kosmogrl

wizardarchetypes

really strange how you can be almost at peace with something that happened to you but it will continue to be a defining moment of your life for the rest of your life. you wont think about it much anymore but in a conversation about a film someone will mention the year it was released and you’ll think to yourself, “that was before it happened” and you’ll see an old photo and think how strange it is to have existed before it happened and somehow it’s like living a life in two acts

charl0ttan

girl who has only the most normal relationship with time and memory and regret and grief

i think about the fact that i 1000000% would’ve been lobotomized if i was born 50 years ago and it terrifies me because what if there’s a mental health treatment plan i’m trusting right now that’s ruining me

#my brain is so fucked up already i can’t handle this

IM INCREDIBLY EMBARRASSED AHHHHHHH

#i told my whole group my trigger to tell them we can’t do anything about it #and then my professor was ACCIDENTALLY yelling my trigger in my face #so this entire group of random fucking college students knows i’m incredibly triggered #and they’re like ‘you can leave it’s okay’#AND ITS SWEET BUT IM SOOOOOO EMBARRASSED #AHHHHHHHH

blah blah blah i don’t like my mom blah blah. shut UPPPPP!!! we get it already oh my godddddd

#you’re so annoying #how many years have you been saying it at this point jfc

.

#i wish i could ghost my mother #i wish i could never speak to her again WITHOUT the harassment bullshit i KNOW would come from everyone else in my life #i already feel a knot in my stomach from the future milestones i’ll be forced to share with her just because she is guaranteed access #to the rest of my life #ugh #girl i got mommy issues lol #i’m jealous of people who are brave enough to leave #IS THAT HORRIBLE #but is what i’m doing better #is keeping the peace BETTER????#oh my god #this sucks lol

the older i get the more it becomes obvious the beauty standard for women is a 16 years old

everytime i go through this blog i trigger myself even though it is LITERALLY IN THE BIO. I SHOULD NOT GO THROUGH IT OH MY GOD

tendercherie

forgive me lord for I have imagined a life far more soft and tender than the one you created for me

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ngl this is diary lol