about personality changes
omg i haven’t been on tumblr in so long
I created tumblr during such a blissful time in my life. I was newly a freshmen in high school. I only worked during the summers and soon I would get my first part time job during the school year which I honestly liked a lot during those first years. I had all the time in the world and nothing felt impossible. I see now I took for granted that feeling of weightless on my shoulders and unwavering optimism.
Since graduating high school, I’ve had severe ups and downs. The first half of 2016 was one of the best times of my life. I was finishing up my last trimester in high school, classes at that point were so easy as I already know what to expect from every teacher at my small ass school. I just had gotten my driver’s license, and I was never home. I had felt severely inspired by the world and all of it’s possibilities and honestly I could cry at the thought of losing that way of thinking. Sometimes I think maybe life right now would be easier if I never been an optimist. If I never thought so greatly of myself and the life I thought I’d go on living, would this void in life even exist?
The second half of 2016 was one of the darkest times in my life. I half hazard picked a major and didn’t care much to show up to class. I hated the job I had but felt too low to do anything to change my ways. I cried when freshmen year of college finally ended.
Gradually, things got so much better. School got easier and easier and slowly I became inspired by my major and peers. I started to have fun and I genuinely was excited to get my days started and have them last as long as I could. This lasted until my last semester, which sadly was cut short due to COVID-19. Summer 2020 was the worst time period of my life. I have never felt so much emotional pain in my life, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. The pain was so awful and consistent that I am still dealing with the physical consequences of it today (hair falling out, constant periods, no sleeping, bad stress management). I started a new career path without taking a break from academics and this year marks the 2nd year in a row I have not taking any semester break off from school and there won’t be one until I graduate again in the winter. I was caught between a rock and a hard place and I chose the lesser of two evils which was to continue school with no break but I got to leave my household forever.
Now, I am just feeling so burnt out. I am running on low fuel and have been for a while. Seeing this blog for the first time in years reminds me that once I was that optimistic person who felt confident enough in my future decisions that I KNEW that everything would be okay. God, I’m so happy I was at one time one of those people but devastated that I am no longer. It’s like I can remember being that girl but I can no longer relate to her. I wish I could speak with her, not to scare her into seeing her tormented future, but to learn from her.
Everyone around just keeps telling me to push a little further, that after graduation this year I will feel free once again. I do not disagree but it’s going to take a lot to reach the end of the year. I know I am strong, and I know things are finally trending better but I’m just so tired. Anyways, I have a mountain of homework to do. Adios
