re-evaluating pursuing & distancing in Utsukushii Kare season 1
I promised an analysis of Utsukushii Kare season 2 overall a while back. I ended up rewatching the whole series to try to get everything fresh and accurate in my mind, which was helpful, but it also gave me, well, too many ideas for one post. So now the plan is to address these thoughts in chunks that will hopefully add up to something useful.Ā
I started my examination of pursuer-distancer dynamics in Utsukushii Kare with a pretty strong assumption that while their ways of fulfilling their roles were sometimes unusual, Hira was definitely the pursuer in the relationship and Kiyoi was the distancer. As I watched season 2, I increasingly saw Kiyoi as pursuing Hira. But now that Iāve gone back and rewatched the whole series, I think I failed to recognize the ways in which Kiyoi was always pursuing Hira. I think this shift in my thinking really sheds some light on other aspects of their relationship and the story more broadly, and it shows more continuity between seasons 1 and 2 than I had previously noticed.Ā
Iāve mentioned this before, but thereās a real difference between the kind of pursuit where you are seeking to establish a relationship with someone and the kind where you are seeking intimacy with someone youāre already in a relationship with. And these differences often map onto role differences and relational styles, including gendered ones. Think about how things go in a stereotypical, heteronormative relationship. Before a relationship is established, men are supposed to make the first move (women, on the other hand, can face negative consequences if they try this). But once a relationship is under way, weāre more likely to see women pursuing and men distancing when it comes to intimacy. (A frequent exception is pursuing physical intimacy, which can often be an area in which roles are flipped, with pursuers becoming distancers and vice versa.) At the same time, intimacy-seeking can happen outside of a fully formed romantic relationship. In other words, the kind of pursuing that happens within a relationship can also happen before a relationship has fully gotten off of the ground.Ā
Iām going to try to maintain distinctions between the following types of pursuit:
Pursuing contact; making an effort to spend time with the other person. (This type can happen within an effort to form a relationship or within an existing one and these contexts can cause big differences.)Ā
Pursuing emotional intimacy, including showing vulnerability, self-disclosing, and processing/resolving problems in the relationship. (This type is most crucial after a relationship has started but not only can it occur before that, it really needs to in order for the relationship to start on a meaningful basis.)Ā Ā
Pursuing physical intimacy; this doesnāt necessarily have to mean sexual contact only, but some non-sexual types of physical intimacy could be primarily/entirely about emotional intimacy and then theyād be a better fit with that category than this one.
(By the way, these arenāt from any sort of existing typology I found or anything like that. Theyāre just categories that came up and seemed significant as I was looking at examples here.)
Next, Iām going to to through a timeline of Hira and Kiyoiās relationship in season 1 with an eye toward who is engaged in some kind of pursuit of contact and/or intimacy. This is a close read and rather lengthy but for folks who are engaged enough with this show to want to dig into the story deeply I hope itāll be interesting.
This is also the kind of thing that I would expect folks to be able to legitimately disagree about. A lot of our perceptions of these things will be affected by our own frames of reference and the roles we tend to take up in relationships.Ā
I want to note that I think thereās a real difference between pursuing vs. distancing and the seme/uke trope. Actually, looking closely at Utsukushii Kare has really informed how I see this. Iām still working out what I think about it at this point, but for now Iāll just say that despite seeming like theyād overlap a lot, pursuer/distancer and seme/uke roles donāt map onto one other very readily. Actually, Iām increasingly finding that itās often ukes who do more pursuing with regard to emotional intimacy than semes, which seems important. Anyway, Iāll circle back to that eventually.
One final note before I get started: I keep forgetting to credit @lollipopsubā for their excellent subtitles, which Iām referring to in almost every case here and in my other posts, so Iām circling back with an edit to add a tag for them here. I highly recommend checking out their stuff. They pay a lot of attention to important details, give well-placed translatorās notes, and have really helped with my understanding of the show.
On to the season 1 timeline!
Kiyoi āsavesā Hira on their first day by walking into class late when heās struggling with introducing himself to the class. Not really an interaction, per se. They do make strong impressions on each other that set them up for what happens later. Hira says Kiyoi āgrabbed hold of me like a tidal waveā from that first time he saw him. Kiyoi sees Hira as a āuseless loserā but heās so struck by āthe look in his eyes as if I were the only thing in the worldā that he becomes curious about him.
Whoās pursuing here? No one, really. Except that Hiraās way of looking at Kiyoi is so intense and conspicuous that it could really be considered a kind of pursuit (a theme that continues as the story progresses).Ā
(screenshot via Foreigner on MDL )
Hira walks up to Kiyoi as heās laying down (seemingly asleep) on a bank of lockers in an otherwise uninhabited classroom. Kiyoi is actually pretending to be asleep. āI didnāt care about him,ā he says later, āI just wanted to see what heād doāthis guy who was always staring at me. That was all.ā When Hira looks at him pretending to sleep and whispers āso beautifulā to himself, Kiyoi says itās āthe first time Iād received a compliment so earnest,ā and that he āwanted those eyes on me again.ā In retrospect, he realizes there was āa desire in meā that he ādidnāt yet know how to nameāāthat he was starting to have feelings for Hira. Hira also thanks Kiyoi for what happened on āintroduction dayā and Kiyoi responds by saying, āWhat the hell. Youāre gross.āĀ
Whoās pursuing here? Kiyoi set up the interaction in a way, but itās also partly a matter of chance. Hira isnāt pursuing Kiyoi when he calls him beautiful as he doesnāt think heās awake. Kiyoiās rude comments could be seen as distancing (though they may appeal to Hira).Ā
(screenshot via amigo_love on MDL)
Hira and Kiyoi get assigned to cleaning duty together and stuff ensues. At first, Hira is distressed by this. āA king and a commoner like me arenāt supposed to mingle,ā he thinks. Kiyoi uses the cleanup duty assignment to rope Hira into doing things for him and the whole Shirota crew. This is one of the few times that Kiyoi actively chooses something that leads to Hira being bullied or dominated, and itās a decisive choice. Heās not thinking about it that way, of course. āIt started out just as a whim. I had to know what he wanted from me. I had to know the emotions hiding behind those eyes.ā But once Hira waits for a table at the diner for the group, his āgoferā role is pretty much established.Ā
Whoās pursuing here? Kiyoi. Neither of them chose the cleaning duty assignment, but once it happens, Kiyoi wrangles Hira into being a āgoferā in order to find out more about him.Ā
Hira follows Kiyoi after seeing him on the street and learns he takes dance classes; they have a conversation in which Kiyoi asks him to keep this a secret from the others at school. Hira isnāt trying to interact with Kiyoi here. He just wants to watch him. Kiyoiās wise to ask Hira not to talk about the dance classes. Later events show that if their peers had learned about them he may well have been targeted for bullying. The interaction about the secret is important. Kiyoi is left wondering if Hira is ādifferent from the restā and finds his heart racing during their conversation, and Hira thinks, āitās the first time I ever looked this directly at someone.āĀ
Whoās pursuing here? Neither of them. They get to know each other better and end up sharing a secret, but neither intentionally created the situation or took advantage of it much. (
(screenshot via Vanessa Ferey on MDL)
Kiyoi suggests having the summer break get-together at Hiraās house and he chooses to come with Hira to get ice cream when he could easily have avoided it. The fact that Hira lives alone is a handy excuse to meet with the others there. We never get any detail on Kiyoiās perspective on this interaction, but it would stand to reason if he had remained intrigued by Hira. After the girls protest when Kiyoi draws the short straw that would make him accompany Hira to the store, Hira offers to go on his own. But Kiyoi leaves soon after and catches up with him. Itās completely his decision. This leads to Kiyoi riding on the back of Hiraās bike and the two of them getting in trouble. Hira, of course, comes up with other reasons in his mind for Kiyoiās decisions, such as wanting to make sure Hira was really keeping his secret.Ā
Whoās pursuing here? Kiyoi. He creates the situation by initiating the hangout, then makes a point of going with Hira on his errand.Ā
Hira and Kiyoi speak alone after Kiyoi loses the contest. Hira plays a more active role in creating this situation. He follows Kiyoi backstage and sees him cry and punch a wall in response to not performing as well in the contest as heād hoped. Then, when Kiyoi leaves the diner, he follows him to, well, whatever that place is with the circular bench and the fairy lights. Iād actually forgotten something important about this scene. Hira follows Kiyoi, but Kiyoi does something surprising once he sees him. Well, first he calls him āstalker.ā But then, pretty much out of the blue, he tells Hira, āAs a kid, I dreamed of getting inside the TV,ā and goes on to confide in him about his childhood dreams of becoming a performer. This is very out of the ordinary for him and involves seriously vulnerable stuff. This is probably one of the reasons he turns on Hira so quickly afterwardāhe seems to feel overexposed. At that point, he pushes Hira away more strongly than at any other point in season 1, responding to his declaration that he likes him ālike crazyā by saying, āI hate you like crazy! Youāre fucking disgusting.āĀ
Whoās pursuing here? Hira is literally pursuing Kiyoi by following him around at two different points. But itās notable that Kiyoi pursues Hira emotionally by opening up to him in such an unguarded way (even if he does become guarded again super quickly).Ā Ā
Shirota dumps tomato juice on Kiyoi, Hira defends him, and they talk in an empty classroom afterward, leading to the famous hand kiss. Neither Kiyoi nor Hira initiates the event that brings them togetherāitās obviously not eitherās idea for Shirota to bully Kiyoi in this way. Hira responds with a degree of loyalty (and violence) that makes a huge impression on Kiyoi. Hira also goes and sits with Kiyoi afterward of his own accord. Their subsequent conversation is a turning point in their relationship. Kiyoi guides the conversation into very personal subject matter, asking if Hira ālikes men.ā Hira, of course, completely misses the subtext that this would be something heād have in common with Kiyoi. He responds by telling Kiyoi that he is the only person he is now, or has ever been, attracted to. Then Kiyoi asks Hira if he wants to kiss him and offers him his hand. He fakes him out at first, pulling his hand away at the last moment. But he still presents it again and lets Hira kiss it.Ā
Whoās pursuing here? Hira does take some initiative, both by defending Kiyoi and going to sit with him. But itās Kiyoi who controls the conversation and steers it toward personal topics and subject matter related to their relationship, and itās Kiyoi who offers to let Hira kiss his hand.Ā
Hira and Kiyoi start hanging out together regularly. After the juice incident, they start spending time together pretty often. Hira doesnāt seem to invest any meaning in the timing of this, but itās obvious that between the way he defended him and the significance of their interaction afterward, thereās been a shift in how Kiyoi sees their relationship. Kiyoi actually hinted at their spending more time together even before this, like after their water-fight when he tells Hira that he needs to stay stocked up on ginger ale at home (and then good olā oblivious Hira thinks, āWhy would he say that?ā). But the day of the juice incident clinched it for Kiyoi. He still has his doubts about Hira in some ways, but his loyalty and protectiveness at a time when others abandoned him was a big deal. As Kiyoi puts it, āhe sacrifices everything for my sake.āĀ
Whoās pursuing here? We donāt see anyone initiating hanging out, but letās get real. It was Kiyoi. Hira would never.Ā
And then we come to the final moment of their time in high school: the graduation day kiss. This is almost entirely Kiyoiās doing. He goes off by himself to a secluded place after making sure that Hira hears him announcing heās leaving. Itās up to Hira to follow him, which he does. Kiyoi desperately wants Hira to make some kind of declaration of love or put the moves on him somehow, but as usual Hira is way too oblivious to pick up on any hint of that. So Kiyoi has to take action himself. He kisses Hira, freaks out, and runs off. To most people, kissing someone is interpreted as a sign that you might be interested in them romantically and/or sexually. Naturally, Hira interprets it as āa kiss given out of pity,ā Kiyoiās way of ātelling me to stop chasing him.ā Itās pretty frustrating to hear Hira go on from there to say that āevery word that passes Kiyoiās lips never leaves my mindā¦.I embrace everything that Kiyoi gives me,ā when heās actually rejecting what Kiyoi is offering him and putting words in his mouth. I guess heās just working overtime to convince himself. And then, of course, he changes his phone number for no actual reason.
Whoās pursuing here? Itās Kiyoi again. Hira followed him to the back of the school, as he was intended to. Thatās his contribution. Kiyoi orchestrated the whole thing and when it was clear Hira wasnāt going to do anything, he planted one on him. And then Hira pulled a massive distancing move. He misinterpreted Kiyoi to an extent that seems almost willful, stopped trying to see him, and changed his phone number, making it impossible for Kiyoi to reach him.Ā
Aaaaaand then after more than a year apart, Hira and Kiyoi meet up again when Koyama takes Hira to the play Kiyoi is in. Kiyoi hears about someone named Hira from the older Koyama, one thing leads to another, and he arranges for Hira to be invited to the play. Heās not exactly friendly when they do see each other, but for Hira, being called āstalkerā is a form of flirting. Hira provides his trademark stare which, to be fair, seems to be a big part of what Kiyoi was hoping for. But he doesnāt stay for the afterparty or do anything to maintain contact with Kiyoi.Ā
Whoās pursuing here? Kiyoi pulled all the strings and all Hira did was do his trademark stare. Though maybe I shouldnāt downplay that since itās actually a pretty big deal to Kiyoi.Ā
(screenshot via Ginger Ale on MDL)
Hira goes to the play a second time in a terrible disguise, attends the afterparty, and hangs out with Kiyoi in the park, after which Kiyoi asks him if heās dating Koyama. Did Hira actually make a move this time? Maybe. He went to see Kiyoiās play again, without Koyama this time, while wearing a really obvious disguise that made him stand out even more than his usual appearance. Kiyoi invited him to the afterparty again and he went. Those two weirdos spent the whole party obsessing over each other from across the room, drank too much because they were too worked up, and ended up sobering up in the park. They have a pretty decent conversation where Kiyoi dropped lots of hints and Hira got none of them, culminating in Kiyoi asking him at the train station if heās dating Koyama and an oblivious Hira being like, āwhy do you ask?āĀ
Whoās pursuing here? Well, Hira does come to the play of his own volition, which is something, but his disguise implies he wasnāt actually trying to interact with Kiyoi, just watch him from afarā¦unless a part of him knows it sucks? Kiyoi makes a good effort with the hints and making cute lil faces at Hira. Itās all for nought but at least heās trying.Ā
Kiyoi calls Hira (while pretending it was a wrong number), uses it as an excuse to ask if he can rehearse at his house, then shows up and finds Koyama clinging to him. Kiyoi plays off the phone call like it was an accident, which is somewhat shitty. But at least he reached out. Hira says yes to the rehearsing thing. Itās not his fault Koyama tackles him just as Kiyoi is walking in (on purpose?). Kiyoi pulls his usual āI donāt give a shitā thing in response.
Whoās pursuing here? Kiyoi initiates contact, albeit in a fairly cowardly way. Hira is receptive but doesnāt do much. But itās not his fault Koyama cockblocked him.Ā
Hira fills in for the lighting person at Kiyoiās play, stuff happens, yada yada, he licks the blood off of Kiyoiās hurt finger, almost kisses him but doesnāt, then tells Kiyoi he canāt date him because heās a king and heās just his servant, after which he totally ignores Kiyoi telling him he likes him back. This is all after Koyama tells Kiyoi what Hira told him about the one beautiful person heād taken photos of and how he loved them beyond reason and arranges for Hira to pick up that lighting shift so theyāll have a reason to see each other. Kiyoi kicks a table leg out of frustration and they end up getting knocked down by a bunch of junk and Kiyoiās finger gets hurt, which leads to the licking situation, and almost-kiss, and Hira full-on rejecting Kiyoi whether he realizes it or not.Ā
Whoās pursuing here? Well, honestly, Koyamaās doing more to help than either of these two goofballs. Kiyoiās fed up from the start and I canāt blame him. Hiraās inability to process information that doesnāt match up with his personal mythology is on clear display here. Thereās a reason this is their lowest point during season 1.Ā
Hira tells Kiyoi over voicemail that heās going to the place he first āsavedā him (their high school) to ādedicate the nightā to his love for him, after which heāll forget him (sure you will, buddy). Kiyoi shows up, thereās a chase and a scuffle, and they finally have it out, then get together. Hira does something decisive here for once. He says heās serious about putting their relationship behind him, but heās clearly disappointed when he thinks Kiyoi wonāt come. Itās extremely on-brand for Hira to reach out to someone not by explicitly seeking connection but by expressing his (supposed) resignation and hoping theyāll swoop in. Kiyoi tells himself he wonāt come, then does, then runs away as soon as Hira sees him. When they do start to talk, Hira says a lot of the usual Hira things. Talking about how much he loves him, begging him not to go. But he offers little else until Kiyoi shifts things by opening up big time, including telling him yet again that he returns his feelings (in a really angry wayāIām pretty sure itās the only confession Iāve seen in a drama that involves someone yelling ābaka!ā at the object of their affectionsābut itās understandable). Kiyoi goes through their history and points out example after example of how Hira expressed through words and actions that he loved Kiyoi but failed to follow through, even though at times he was pretty clear about reciprocating his feelings (especially when he kissed him). We know from season 2 that Hira doesnāt really internalize the part about not viewing Kiyoi as a āking,ā but at least in this moment, he seems to at least sort of get that Kiyoi likes him back and that he needs for him to see that and respond instead of talking himself into an imaginary rejection. Hira does put himself out there in one really notable way: he asks if he can touch Kiyoi, hugs him, and then lays him down on a danged desk and makes out with him. Itās honestly a red letter day for Hira showing some guts.
Whoās pursuing here? Although itās in a backhanded way, Hira initiates this interaction. And in a way, he shows vulnerability and genuinely tries to engage Kiyoi. But things only start to change, start to open up the possibility of a real relationship, when Kiyoi opens up about his feelings for Hira and how Hiraās behavior has affected him. That said, Hira makes a big contribution too by literally reaching out to Kiyoi and initiating making out with him like heās an āordinaryā human being.Ā
Thatās the timeline. Now, a few big themes and tendencies to note:
Most opportunities for contact were created or facilitated by Kiyoi.
When someone showed vulnerability or made the first move to connect emotionally, it was almost always Kiyoi (though both characters are still very guarded at this point).
Hiraās declarations of love and frequent compliments are tricky to categorize here. There can be an element of vulnerability in expressing these feelings, but itās not the same as the kind of self-disclosure Kiyoi engages in, and sometimes Hiraās idealization of Kiyoi is itself a form of distancing (e.g. not being able to date āthe kingā).Ā
Hiraās way of looking at Kiyoiālike, literally, the staring, meaningful looks, eye-fucking, whatever you want to call itādoes seem to function as a kind of pursuit at least some of the time. It often impacts Kiyoi in that way. But itās not exactly a straightforward move.Ā
Both characters seek physical intimacy in different ways/at different times. Kiyoi proposes the hand kiss and kisses Hira on graduation day, while Hira does the hand thing (!) and initiates touching, hugging, and eventually the whole classroom table makeout situation.Ā
There are also some obvious contextual factors that should be kept in mind here. The big ones that come to mind for me are:
Their power differentialāKiyoi has a great deal more social status and related power than Hira, particularly in high school.
The fact that they first got to know one another in this hierarchical context is bound to set them up for certain habits and expectations. Hira literally acted as a kind of servant for Kiyoi and the rest of the Shirota crew at first!Ā
Both characters are deeply affected by their past experiences with peers. For Hira, this mostly involves a history of bullying, being ignored, and being excluded (in part due to ableism). For Kiyoi, his past experiences looked favorable on the surface but were seriously lacking when it came to authenticity or real intimacy.Ā
We shouldnāt lose sight of the fact that Hiraās stuttering is a disability. The negative peer experiences I just mentioned had at least some basis in ableism and really, it might account for all or nearly all of them. The wear and tear on his psyche of dealing with pervasive ableism and the bullying and aggression that comes with it canāt be overstated. This also helps with understanding some of his maladaptive coping strategies (which it seems were actually pretty adaptive in the past).Ā
Iāll return to the pursuer/distancer thing in another post about season 2 and I have some additional thoughts about how to put it in context with BL/yaoi tropes as well as some other relevant ideas.
