i’m heartbroken (without your love) - jaylos
I recently rewatched d3 and man. I still can’t get over that scene where jay pretty much ignored carlos in favor of talking to gil. so this little angsty piece of sadness was born . i’m sorry.
——
“‘Los? Carlitos? Carlos?”
Carlos looks up from the page of his physics textbook and over at Evie, who’s looking at him expectantly. Shit, he definitely hasn’t been listening. “Uh - sorry, what?”
Evie laughs indulgently and shakes her head. “I said ‘it’s late, isn’t Jay gonna be concerned if you don’t make it up to bed soon?’”
Gritting his teeth some, Carlos shrugs and returns his gaze to the book. “Nah.”
Evie scoots closer, narrowing her eyes. “Are you guys fighting?”
“No.”
She clearly doesn’t believe him. “Well, what’s with that pissy face, then?”
Carlos has been studying in her brand new sunlit workspace all afternoon - except now, the sunlight is quickly fading and she’s been forced to actually turn on the lamps on the nearby table. Although she didn’t have any extra summer school classes to study for, Evie has never been one to turn down a scientific cram session, and Carlos has to admit, he’s missed going over terms with her like this. Only, she’s moved past formulas and numbers now and into questions about his personal life, something that’s a lot more confusing than kinematics at the moment.
“Carlos de Vil, you better answer me,” she says sternly. “Is something going on? I haven’t seen you and Jay hang out in days.”
“He’s busy.” Carlos knows he’s being cryptic, but he doesn’t really care. If he says anything more, it’ll come off sounding even more bitter than it already does.
“He’s on summer vacation,” Evie argues. “There’s literally nothing on his to-do list.”
“Oh, really?” Carlos makes a face. “Tell that to the pirate.”
Evie’s forehead crinkles in confusion. “The pirate? Uma?”
Carlos has already said too much, but he shakes his head and concentrates on reading the next passage in his textbook. Once. Twice. A third time.
“Harry?”
A fourth time. He still hasn’t processed a single word. What section is his next exam on again? A fifth time.
“Oh, Gil,” Evie pauses, “That’s right - I did see them leaving this morning together -” And then, she gasps softly. Carlos doesn’t have the heart to look up at her, but he figures the warm glow from the lamp is doing that thing where it makes her face glow. “Carlos… you don’t think…?”
“Yeah, I do.” The words on the page have started to blur now and he slams the book shut. “I think they’re fucking. Or… or more.” He can’t bring himself to say it.
“They danced together, didn’t they?” Evie frowns. “At the party last weekend?”
“Yeah.”
“It’s so… out of the blue.” Evie shakes her head. “Did they interact at all before then?”
Carlos’ chest aches just thinking about it. “Yeah. In the woods. Jay got all flirty about berry bushes and penguins and whatever else they were talking about together.”
Very slowly, Evie places a gentle, comforting hand on his shoulder. When he flinches a little, she backs off. “Sorry, I -”
“No, it’s fine.” He flushes some, grabbing her hand and putting it back. “Involuntary. I don’t mind when you do it.”
She smiles sadly at him, shaking her head. “I love you.”
He jerks his head up some. They don’t say those three words to each other very often - only when they are in really deep shit or one of them has been seriously hurt. “It’s… it’s not that bad,” he tells her quietly. “You don’t need to say that. I’m not dying or anything.”
“No,” Evie says sadly. “But your heart is broken. And I know what that feels like.”
Carlos mulls that over. His chest burns whenever he closed his eyes and sees Jay and Gil dancing or laughing or sitting close together. His eyes burn, too, whenever Jay blows him off or forgets to answer his texts. He isn’t sure how his heart could break before he realized he was in love, but somehow, it has. “I think… I think I love him.”
“I know.” Evie rubs his shoulder gently. “I saw. I think he loved you, too, you know. At one point.”
Carlos doesn’t know if that makes it better or worse. “I don’t want to hate Gil. I don’t. That just makes me… a bad person. He didn’t do anything… wrong. Just… was a better version of me somehow.”
“No one is a better version of you,” Evie growls fiercely, kissing the back of his neck. “You are the ultimate version, Carlos.”
“I don’t know why this hurts so badly.” Maybe, on some level, he’s always shoved his own emotions for Jay aside, expecting to be always overshadowed by some girl. “None of the girls hurt like this. I guess… maybe… I thought that if Jay ever dated a boy… it would be me.” It stung more than he expected to say it out loud.
“Carlos…” Evie says softly, “I’m… so sorry.”
“You get it, though.” Carlos stares at her. “I see the way you look at Mal. And she’s engaged now.”
Evie’s mouth opens and then shuts slowly. She seems to be at a loss for words.
“It’s okay,” Carlos shrugs. “I’m not gonna tell her or anything. Just means you and I are in the same stupid self-pity boat.”
“I guess so.” Her gaze drifts to her lap. “I didn’t know I was that obvious.”
“She’s just oblivious,” Carlos shrugs. “Jay, too, I guess. You’d be great with her.”
“And you’re perfect for him.”
Carlos doesn’t believe her. If he were perfect, he would be the one Jay asked to go traveling with. If he were perfect, he wouldn’t have to watch Jay leave with Gil every single morning. If he were perfect, Jay would want him instead of someone else.
