But I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop thinking, the urge to flick you a text, the desire to sing for you, the impulse to ask how you’re doing. Knowing that you’re doing alright when I’m not. I confessed to him 3 weeks ago but he’s straight or is he not? I asked him to promise me that we would still be friends after that night and he did. We still talked but since day 1, I was the one who initiated the conversation. I thought it might be annoying to him if I text him too much so i cut it down a little and eventually I didn’t dare to text him anymore. Maybe he needed some space? Maybe he needed some time off to digest? Was this even a friendship to start with? I unfollowed him on instagram, blocked his snapchat, unfollowed him on spotify, deleted the chats that held me back but I am still constantly thinking about him despite the effort of making myself busy with stuffs. How long would I love him? How long until all these to stop? But I am stupid enough to even hope that he would come back and said he liked me and he couldn’t live without me. But that’s just my brain trying to be optimistic and console myself. This pain, this hollow in my heart has been unbearable. Of all the times, I gave him my heart, wholeheartedly and nothing came back? Not even a pity party? Jesus can someone make this stop? I just want to go back to last time when I wasn’t out from the closet. The fact that I could just hold this secret a little bit longer, or bring it with me till i’m cremated so nobody would get hurt. And I just walked into Christ a year ago and all my friends were telling me that going down this path wasn’t God’s favour. I googled and did some research and found out that it’s an “abomination” and I would have to pay for my sins. I was devastated, of all these time, I never stood up for myself. When I was bullied in high school for being “feminine” or sissy, I just cried and I never confronted them. I should have fought back when they threw my bag on the floor, I should have punched them in the face when they tore pages of my notebook, I should be brave to ask them why the fuck did they do that to me when they threw my pencilbox on the ground and stepped on it. Instead, I ran to the toilet, tears streaming down, nose red and i leaned against the wall in the cubicle and cried. “Pick yourself up, just pretend nothing happened, give yourself another 5 minutes and go back to class and put on that mask you painted perfectly, everything would be alright” So I did, I went back and picked up my bag on the floor, my best friend helped me too but the whole class was dead silent. The boys knew they went overboard but you know what I did? I laughed and smiled saying it’s okay. When God fucking knows that my voice was trembly, shaky and my heart was shattered into pieces and I have to act like nothing fucking happened. I just don’t know what to do now. Should I be true to myself, or follow His’ path. Is this my existential crisis lol or should I just die because I don’t see myself walking down any of these paths. Everything has been stagnant. I just need a break
2087
germansingergirl
areudirty
dededos
annaxmalina
