Unconventionally Wholesome

Sometimes funny, sometimes depressing, sometimes manic, sometimes witty, always wholesome. Cover photo taken at Bolsa Chica wetlands.

[unconventiallywholesome]

I just found my old Tumblr login

And I cringe at my old posts, but also love them. Such a mood.

[hahaimnottraumatised]

someone: why are you acting so happy/sad/depressed/angry all of a sudden??

me: sir, i have a mood disorder

[unconventiallywholesome]

I wonder if people still use Tumblr these days. Of course, I wouldn't know being trapped in my own bubble of despair for the past several weeks.

[calictii]

Anyways it’s okay to take breaks from your hobbies.

If they become more like chores.

If you aren’t enjoying them anymore then It’s okay to take a break from it.

[unconventiallywholesome]

Truth

[unconventiallywholesome]

Working from home is great

Nobody gets to see your defeated face and how utterly trapped and depressed you are.

[unconventiallywholesome]

I missed a dose

I've missed doses before or undercut my meds rationing them. Yesterday, I forgot to take my meds in the morning. I have a pill reminder app, but I must have dismissed the notification. I didn't think it would be such a big deal. Like I said, I've missed does before. But I feel clouded and unmotivated today. It's a struggle to do work and I just want to sleep.

[unconventiallywholesome]

All alone on the edge of sleep

My old familiar friend

Comes and lies down next to me

And I can see it coming from the edge of the room

Smiling in the streetlight even with my eyes shut tight

I still see it coming now...

Ah-ah, ah-ah I think I'm breaking down again

Ah-ah, ah-ah I think I'm breaking down again

Ah-ah, ah-ah I think I'm breaking down again

Ah-ah, ah-ah I think I'm breaking down

[unconventiallywholesome]

I had myself a good melancholic cry this morning for the first time in a month. It felt good to feel something but at the same time awful to feel bad emotions.

[unconventiallywholesome]

Working in the office

I thought that working away from the comfort of my home and in the main office would make me more productive. More chatty. More confident. More alive.

It kinda did and didn't.

Don't get me wrong. Despite my social anxiety and introverted self, I do value those spontaneous moments of conversation. Even if you're not part of the conversation and a nosy eavesdropper, it feels like you're part of the group. Who cares what Sharon's boyfriend did over at Donna's wedding: it felt validating and real.

When someone came over and asked me and my coworker about what's the best way to approach planning an event, I immediately chimed in. I had relatable experience doing something similar. I felt like my opinion mattered and I made an actual contribution. But then it hit me. I won't be visiting the office much longer. I'm only here for a week for training and meeting everyone face to face. Soon I would be back in my musty, noisy apartment back in the city working remotely away from most of my team.

Alone.

I never thought I'd prefer people over solitude. It's a quiet, but pleasant office. No one is caught up in office drama just focused on the work they need to do. The work that will impact hundreds of thousands. The work that matters. The work that's not the bottom line.

But I'm scared.

I'm waiting for the pin to drop from the grenade and all hell to break loose. The problem is it's been a month and it hasn't happened yet. Maybe I have PTSD from my last office job. Being in an abusive relationship with your gaslighting boss does that to you. Maybe I'm too overly cautious. Maybe I'm not even good enough to do this job. Maybe I'm worrying to much. Maybe...maybe.....I just have to wait and see.

But I can't afford to make the same mistake twice.

[unconventiallywholesome]

I'm surprisingly productive working remote for the first day. But I'm feverishly eyeing my bed right now.

[unconventiallywholesome]

I got a job!!

I guess I have a job now. Thank fuck I didn't give up after almost a year of joblessness and freelancing (never again). It seems like my dream job on paper. The pay is decent, enough to pay for rent and meds; the crew is lovely; it's remote (working everyday in my PJs and at cafes is a dream); it has flexible hours (work in your own time zone); and it's stuff I actually want to do with my life. Hope I don't fuck it up

But my chronic insomnia and racing, frantic thoughts (thanks anxiety/bipolar) makes waking up anytime before 11 am or 1 pm a headbanging nightmare. Couple that with the fact I have no savings to go see a doctor or a therapist and I really need to have my meds adjusted. I really wish I had asked my psych to prescribe me some sleeping pills.

It's 1:44 am and even though I downed some hydroxies, I can't sleep yet. I'll be drunk drowsy in the morning so forget about doing anything productive today. I might as well pretend to sleep so I can a wink of sanity.

[unconventiallywholesome]

Job hunt update 3

Ugh, no response. And she said last week "by the end of the week" and I got an auto-reply that she's traveling again. I'm losing hope. If it wasn't for the fact they were a nonprofit and they have limited resources compared to a for-profit, I would've lost hope a long time ago.

[unconventiallywholesome]

Potential job offer! ... hopefully

I might have a potential job offer from a dream nonprofit. The benefits of working there are too good to be true:

Remote work (work from home)

Flexible hours (I set my own 9-5)

No micromanaging (we only care that you get your work done)

Helpful team (you can ask everyone for anything; need more info? Need more time? Hate it? Want to change it?)

Opportunity to make an impact (take on these projects and make it your own)

Fairly "low stress" workload

Six month performance review

Co-working space option

80% paid benefits

Salary is enough to pay rent and bills and then some

A cause I actually care about

Not a corporate shill office drone cubicle worker

What worries me is that they haven't gotten back with an official letter. Granted, I'm not too worried. Working in the nonprofit sector before, I know their HR isn't up to spec. Well, eitherway, crossing my fingers on this one.

[unconventiallywholesome]

Please...I'm crossing my fingers for a job offer this week. Pray to the job seeking Gods for me y'all.

[unconventiallywholesome]

Job hunt update

I was told I'm moving forward towards an offer (negotiation phase) with a large firm. The position is basically what I was doing before...and I hated it. Well, hate is a strong word. More like I was disinterested in the work as a technical writer. Absolutely loved my co-workers except for my shit boss. I felt guilty about dumping my work onto them if I left. The pay though is enticing; it's 35% more than what I was paid before. And 100% paid insurance which is a must to pay for my meds and therapy appointments. It's only 12 miles away from my house (although I'll have to take the train/bus cause I have no car). After being unemployed and freelancing for nearly 8 months, I almost went for it.

But then I interviewed for my dream job. I wasn't sure at first cause of some of the lofty qualifications. But after 4 rounds of interviews, I'm pretty confident that's where I want to work for quite some time. It does involve writing, but that's the only semblance to the other job. It's also remote with limited travel. I can finally live out my dream working from home in my pajamas or at a local cafe away from all the office politics and shitty bosses.

Is it ironic that the reason you keep working for a company is to cover insurance for the mental anguish they inflict? You can't leave because you need insurance. But you want to leave cause they cause you pain to necessitate insurance. It's a never-ending vicious cycle.

[unconventiallywholesome]

I'm an absolute mess right now. I didn't think switching my meds with the same dose from three lamictals to two would give me the same symptoms (nausea, dizziness, tiredness, fuzzy head, and vivid dreams.

[unconventiallywholesome]

Same