Landfill for Hamster Wheels and other obsessions

This is where I dump the garbage that is too heavy for me to carry any longer

[underrevision]

Obsession again

You think by now I would have learned something. Nearly 40 years old and the same lessons again... And again... And again. Maybe I am a slow learner. Maybe I am a sucker for pain. Still thinking that I am the center or the universe or just someone's universe. My feelings are an inconvenience. I am sorry my insecurities are so offensive. That somehow that makes it ok for me to be your punching bag. The cause of your stress. Just another problem on your list of why your life is so fucked up. I know better than to try to be a people pleaser. Yet I keep on doing it and I fall short every time. Nothing I do is good enough. I work my ass off even when I am in pain and it is never enough. All this week I bust ass having dinner ready and trying to make it something he likes... One night "I couldn't eat that it just looked disgusting" or "you put too much sour cream on that" or tonight after 6 hours of cooking... Just slammed it down and went to smoke. Why do I even try? Not even a thanks for dinner. Not even a how was your day. Not even a thanks for doing all my laundry and cleaning up after my messy ass. Not even a maybe I could shower and wear deodorant for my woman. Maybe I could tell her she is pretty or thanks for supporting me when I didn't have a job pr thanks for paying deposit and first month rent and all the bills... I just want to feel wanted and appreciated. Like I am not just an annoyance you tolerate because you need me. It is not like there are not plenty of people that would take your place. I don't need you but you need me. If this is not what you thought it would be or if I am not what you are attracted to then spare us both. Give it to me straight and stop taking out your misery on me. I would rather be alone then lonely with someone that is supposed to care about me...

[underrevision]

[underrevision]

My small life

My world is so tiny right now I have had to ball myself up and water my words down to fit inside it. This has not always been true for me before so I don't know how to survive like this. I am alone a lot yet I feel like I never have enough time to myself. I do not have friends and that missing space makes me feel very much alone. They say to surround yourself with friends that are how you would like to be... So maybe witty, unique, loyal, true to themselves, caring, open, vulnerable, real, full of life, positive, fun, joyful, ever evolving... Where do I find these people?? The company I keep is mostly me and I do not want what I have. I keep bad bad company. I hurt a lot, my broken body is pissed off and there is still no help in sight. I am feeling insecure and unsafe so I desperately try to control my little trailer in the universe. It is not working. It is almost like the people here do not even see me. I am the robot that makes their food appear, cleans, does laundry and drives them around like magic. I am not even a person to them, just a 7-11 in the middle of the night when you have no other options. They do as they please, enjoy their endless screen time while I fret and worry enough for all of them. I got tired of all the insults pretending to be jokes that I just retreate further into myself, to a place where I cannot even bring myself to speak. I have no purpose right now, nothing to look forward to, no silver lining. Like with every pound I lost I became less and less visible. I claw for control yet cannot manage the most simple of tasks. The house is always a mess. No one even cleans up after themselves. Dinner gets cooked maybe half the time. More things go on the to do list than come off. I keep selling things online but somehow there is never any money. I am a lousy absent refrigerator mother. Looking at them reminds me of how many times I have let them down, done the wrong thing, failed them... Before we moved in together the boyfriend talked to me all the time, much more than he does now. When he is home I feel even more alone. The shooting sounds of his video games have become the soundtrack of my life. I feel so unappreciated. I just want to be noticed, to be seen. I want to get the kind of attention the video game gets. I am so disappointed at what my life has become. I have no meaning or purpose. My life is small and insignificant. I am so filled with apathy I cannot even get mad.