it had happened purely by accident, but remus cared an awful deal about severus. more that he could even admit to himself. it had happened before he could think about it, could realise how stupidly selfish it was. to place another person on the firing line. severus, of course, didn’t know about the dark magic constantly stirring in his heart and remus would sooner die then let him find out. remus never doubted that severus could, though. he was the smartest person he knew (besides lily, of course). too clever for his own good. if anyone was going to bring remus’ downfall, it was going to be severus snape.
the questions shouldn’t have made him smile, they really shouldn’t have. but he couldn’t help it, he’d called him ‘remus’. he’d finally upgraded from ‘lupin’, a term so loaded with accusations and mistrust. something as simple as being called by his own name shouldn’t shoot so much adrenaline into his heart, he shouldn’t be so soft, especially not in front of anyone. part of his brain scolded him for ever classing someone so brilliant as ‘anyone’. severus was one of the most important things in his life. he’d spent so many hours lying awake in his dorm room, thinking of what to say, what books to read to get severus to smile.
“they… uh.” he was stumped. remus could hardly say two sentences at a time, let alone an entire pep talk. “everyone needs an enemy, i guess? they have you, you have me…”
“i think it’s because you’re brave enough to speak up against them, stupid but brave. you’re different to them, really different. and they don’t know what to do about it. everything’s about them in their heads, so when they find something so juxtaposed they don’t know what to do. james is also just an obnoxious prat who’ll charge at any boy within two meters of evans.”
remus wished he knew what to do, wished it was okay for him to hold severus’ hands in his own. to extinguish all the nervous energy hovering around him. but he couldn’t risk it, he couldn’t risk severus jumping back and running off, leaving him alone again. so instead he settled into the chair closest to him, eyes never leaving his unsure glare. ‘because they don’t see you like i do.”
Severus hated feeling like this- and he’d been feeling it for years now. Since the first, really. Six years deep into psychological and physical torment from not only them, but his father, and it was a wonder he hadn’t snapped yet. At this point, he was tired. Tired of being the target for their fists and hateful words. Tired of ending up in this library with Remus reading in varied tones and making outlandish gestures. “Why don’t you say anything to them if you’re so invested in my well being?”
It fell just as the first had, unexpectedly, unintentionally. “Taking all this bloody time to read to me- you just stood there while they-they-” he buried his face in his hands, book having been set aside. Flipped me upside down and- he’d been lucky for Lily making them drop him before it got to be too much, but the effect wasn’t any less. Didn’t make it any less humiliating. He thought surely his tear ducts would have had all they could handle by now- would’ve been tired from all the anger and sadness that poured out of them at every dark event that happened in his life. But that was not so. Instead, they opened further as he buried his face in his arms and tried to breathe through the feeling of worthlessness pouring over him.
“You don’t know me, Remus.” He didn’t, not really. Not yet, anyway. Sev had never truly opened up about his life and what it was like at home. Had never told anyone why he’d been wearing that flowered shirt on the first day of school. Because it was all his mother had to give him- all she could provide because all of their money went to his father’s drinking. He could disctinctly remember what it felt like to take a proper shower with hot water and soap that wasn’t hand made and barely did anything. How happy he’d been when he’d crawled into the softest bed he’d ever known. And how he’d cried silently into his pillow knowing that his mother would not have the same.
“You don’t know anything.” But he wanted him to know, strangely, despite his friends. Wanted him to see the things he’d never told anyone. Not even Lily. And Lily had known most of what he’d gone through. He wanted to tell Remus what it meant for him and why the place he thought he’d love to be became a nightmare. Why he sought so much solace in potions- because it was quiet, because he didn’t need anyone to help him, because it was the one thing he was actually good at and made him feel good. Wanted him to know....everything.