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Food fest gallord; February 13th, 2014. (D66)

"Sometimes you search so hard for words. You look for a way to interpret the language of this heart and the unspoken bond you feel. But in the end you are left with nothing but silence. And deep down you hope it’s understood."

- Yasmin Mogahed

Every day the debate hysteria grows and everybody is more immersed in the question, doubting whether the resolution is true or not, whether we did know what we thought we knew.

I feel the sleepless hours have caught me and my brain has turned off. I never felt this defeated (physically) yet still trying to be present, trying to communicate, searching for words and thoughts that would somehow make sense. But also this state and the way my friends reacted to it really made me feel safe; it is a nice feeling certainly.

When Mafer and José debated I my hardest to flow it, and realized much of the practical part of the process, what was done right, what needed to improve. Really it was the best I could do in the state I felt to be.

Afterwards we had the international food fest with everyone, it was such a heartwarming experience (even though I still felt awful) it makes me realize how unique we really are, how much effort we put into everything we do, and how unexpected can we be when we put our minds into it.

The food was grand, everything made with love and care…one way or another. And eating all together felt natural. What a beautiful way to end Aanvallen! And to start the first epicycle of the second term. All on board, this is only starting.

Truth; February 12th, 2014. (D65)

“But a curiosity of my type remains after all the most agreeable of all vices --- sorry, I meant to say: the love of truth has its reward in heaven and even on earth.”-Nietzsche

It’s interesting to think that if anything seems like “an easy answer” it is highly possible we haven’t understood the question; This has always been something that really stood up for me, and also how sometimes those who speak the most easily about certain things might not be the ones that know more about it. Investigating and reading doesn’t necessary mean understanding and knowing. These concepts are so far apart yet they are sometimes used as a normal procession (If A then B.)

Investigating so much about the philosophy of science really has made me realized how little I really know about it, and it makes me question how much I really knew. But not only this really, starting French and math again has made me realize how easily we forget that which at certain point we might have considered “knowledge,” we are so easily deceived by appearances.

Euclid book “V” seems to be an interesting one since it isn’t like the other books we have seen; it solely depends upon the definitions given at the beginning of it, which I think is the reason why we truly need to understand them. This is why we gave so much importance to them today and even got into a mini debate about them.

But after all, everything we strive for is truth, to find what the “definitions” actually mean, to know is the scientific method is really the best way, or if it even exists. All we want to really know is what’s the truth.

Be there, for what price?; February 11th, 2014. (D64)

“The best advice i ever came across on the subject of concentration is: wherever you are, be there.” -Jim Rohn

I have failed to follow my own advice and stay home when the body screams for it. Surprisingly enough it wouldn’t be an overstatement to say that I have been ill all of 2014 (so far) and even a couple of days before the year began; It all started two days before New Year’s and has been in a sore in my throat ever since, it hasn’t been easy. And since most of my energy has been directed almost specifically to my cognitive abilities it is sure to say my body has been lacking energy to draw from. And today, after fighting philosophical scientists all night, my body has been shouting down (in a manner of sense.)

In this situation, staying in the present moment seems an epic quest, or at least it seemed to in the morning. But I kept reminding myself “Mar: You are here, BE here.” and so I kept pulling myself back in and out of zombie mode.

But how glad I am I haven’t lost any days here, everything I learn is so invaluable and unexpected, each situation may take different directions and is so irreplaceable.

Today we had our first Kahn academy experience with math…Wow, I really have forgotten so much of the math I learned in school. But with this tool I am certain I will be back on track soon enough, for it depends almost exclusively to my commitment to it.

The debate and all which it involves has been taken major part of our Aanvallen! Week, I am learning so much that my brain still has trouble processing all the information. Just this week I have read Against Method and several articles on topics that fluctuate from Epistemology, Scientific method, Philosophy of science, Truth, History of science and several movements of the philosophy of science and the authors that represent them. I only wish this was more than a debate, since I do appreciate the experience of debate since it is pushing my boundaries and pushing me out of my comfort zone, yet these topics are so vast and interesting I would love to have more dialogues about it, to share more with everyone on these topics.

Floor; February 10th, 2014. (D63)

"All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know."

- Ernest Hemingway

Fear can drive you past mountains until you are afraid to claim, or worst, to get down.

I think there’s a point past overload. I’ve probably reached it, and yet I haven’t felt this happy in so much time. The key of fear is recognizing it before claiming the mountain, it can be deceiving, it can pass as other feelings and apparently drive you safely up and down mountains but the truth is, there is always a point when it’s too much, and by then you are usually too far along to go back. What do you do then?

I had claimed the mountain and I was buried under piles of data; incoming information that fell on me as I made my way up, unknowingly carrying everything that rained on me oblivious of the fact that I could judge and drop, and maybe even follow my own advices and stop to breath.

Once I’ve reached the top my arms give in to the weight and the floor is filled with thoughts, feelings, information, facts, names, dates…but mainly fears. Never before had I seen fear in the face; such a strange creature, more scared of itself than anything else in the surroundings. I sat down next to it with my hands resting on my lap, I had never felt so tired and yet so hopeful.

My mind emptied and I just sat there as the sun started to set and the stars to rise, “hopefully I will stay here until the moon sets behind those trees” was the first thought after an oasis of silence and nothingness.

Today was a day filled with information, ah-ha moments and definitively deep introspection; not only on a personal level but in a very intellectual one too. I questioned many ideas that had already settled into my mind and formulated new ones. That is progress. (For me at least)

The debate is taking most of the space on my mind at this moment. For an unknown reason I have dived deep into the inquiry of this resolution: “One ought to use the scientific method in the pursuit of knowledge” and have already read 2 books (fragments) and uncountable articles on the subject. I have done and re-done my cases, built tables and doubted myself in a very peculiar manner.

But after a sudden moment of clarity after being questioned, it’s all starting to fit together, and that is always a wonderful feeling.

The writing and oratory exercise based on a “random” word was wonderful today, very different from what we usually do, very refreshing and challenging. My word was “Floor.” (and this is it)

I stared at my feet as they touched the ground, the only steady thing I could find near me…Why do we tend to forget the importance it, I guess because there’s nothing as mundane as it, “the floor.” We take its existence for granted for we walk upon it for as long as we can remember; be it dirt, wood, cement or glass floor, we have laid our lives upon it. But what would happen if the floor disappeared under your feet? Or even better yet…have you even felt it vanish beneath you? Do you fall? Would you scream?

Why do we forget the significance of such a basic security as the floor on which we stand? Floors that have perhaps sustained thousands of wanderers and histories, of development and falls. Have the grounds on which we walk changed? Or have we?

Now please do; imagine yourself in the absence of the floor on which you now stand, or seat. The floor that sustains your present

I thank this floor in which I stand, I’m glad, since it’s the only steady thing in my life.

Ou la la; February 6th, 2014. (D62)

“Voici mon secret. Il est très simple: on ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.” -Antoine de Saint Exupéry

I truly love the French language…It is so delightful, the sound, the sight and even the grace with which it dances out of the lips. I was enthused beyond measure when I heard we could choose any foreign language for since I came back from Geneva I haven’t studied French and I simply stayed in the basic knowledge, which sadly does not allow me to watch Godard films in their entire splendor.

I noticed the positive energy that has been forming the class lately…The dialogues are really fluent and we work better as a group. Of course there are always exceptions… which are evident since we are so few and often change groups and get to work with all. Today one of those cases was even more evident for me, and it makes me really wonder what goes on inside their heads… what is going on inside these people I see every day? What lies beneath the surface?

Often we forget that every human had their own struggles, it is easy to lose sight of this and expect them to behave according to what you are going through. That if you are sad, they should not be overjoyed, if you are enthusiastic they shouldn’t be in a low mood and so on, and perhaps they expect the same from you? It is hard to say, but still the question made me tap my head, loose the muscles in my face, breath and learn to be patience. After all, they are patience with me as well.

The voices; February 5th, 2014. (D61)

I have always been full of voices speaking; There is nothing extraterrestrial in this, but something within myself. Am I alone in this? I don’t think so." - Czeslaw Milosz

“Finding our voice” was a really big topic today. At least in out morning sessions… When we talked about our daily reflections; My thoughts kept revolving about this notion of “finding my voice.” Because that has been my main goal for many years now, learning to understand and transmit the different voices inside of me. Voices of languages and growth, voices of time and sentiments. I have always seen writing as a survival tool: If I don’t write, I might lose my mind. I might implode and stain everything with the colors of my unexpressed emotions. So since I have recollection, I have always searched for a way of communicating, of transmitting the revolt that goes on inside of me. That revolt is my muse. One of them at least, and through time I have learned to feed her and keep her contempt. And there’s nothing better than a happy and full muse, she then gives herself to me, raw and in necessity of expression she beg for my fingers to translate her cries into words. And that is not a hobby; that, as I said, is survival.

So I might have to say that the morning dialogue with Eric really awoke a couple of my muses that fought for my attention all day long. Which is always a pleasant feeling… (You know, them fighting for your attention)

After that it was pretty much an Andrew day. And it was a grand one.

We starting dwelling into pre-Socratic philosophy. I was really mesmerized by Andrew’s capacity of captivating all of us with his words…he was telling us about Homer, about the first philosophical question and the first ‘Greek’ Thales of Miletus and we were all taking it all in as little sponges left on a bucket full of water. So the first philosophical question (on record) was “What remains unchanged after change?” or in other words “What is substance?” This is a very basic question, one in the heart of metaphysical inquiry. One that comes before, who are we or any variation of this, since what can come before the substance of everything? We also got to investigate a little bit about other pre-Socratic philosophers, in my case I indulged in the delight of reading about Parmenides of Elea, founder of the Eleatic school of philosophy that stated in his poem ‘on nature’ (one piece of work that was salvaged from him) that that “What-is” is one, unchangeable, timeless and uniform. So in a way his answer to the question was “Well there is no such thing as change, there is only Substance, and it’s all one.” It was really interesting reading about him since I had heard before the Paradoxes of Zeno but I had not really dug into who was the teacher of Zeno and what was he really defending with these paradoxes.

Following that we started reading the very challenging “On liberty” by John Stuart Mill and it was surely proof of how far we have come along as a group. We really did engage in the text and defragmented it wholly until we really understood it, we asked very deep questions about morality, ethics and freedom. Like, why shouldn’t one if capable silence someone else if it seems adequate? (This without referring to the natural rights of human beings.) And not only this dialogue made us think and question a lot, but also push up our standards of mastery and understanding when it comes to a complicated text. And Andrew really did a wonderful job at guiding us through the process. He never gave us the answers, merely he showed us the tools we already had, and how to apply them to a new challenge.

Patters; February 4th, 2014. (D60)

"What we call chaos is just patterns we haven’t recognized. What we call random is just patterns we can’t decipher. What we can’t understand we call nonsense. What we can’t read we call gibberish." -Chuck Palahniuk

One can easily fall into a pattern of denial of all that which we don’t fully agree with, fall into calling any foreign idea wrong or worse, and trying to impose our own, possibly with naively intuiting that we are right and saving them from ignorance. Yet we are not always right, and not all the time we should blindly trust in the rightness of our humane selves.

I saw a lot of this today, in the T2 Manual meeting when we were trying to organize all the ideas into an index. Some had this latent conviction that their way was the right and only way that lastly resulted in having to split the group into small groups to create drafts more efficiently. Which did work (in certain way) but divided the group, yet again, which on the long run won’t help because I really feel like we need to work together, to really hear each other’s ideas instead of just waiting (if even so) for our turn to speak. And this issue did not only call my attention in this activity, also in the last dialogue following the documentary “PressPausePlay.” Some were very persistent on their points without realizing that at times the people they were debating were actually agreeing with them.

It is interesting now that for a moment I have decided to take a step back and be a real active listener, and observer…I’ve realized this many things I used to do myself as well, and it makes me think how easy it is to be blinded by our eagerness to be right, our sometimes misplaced certainty.

Home again; February 3rd, 2014. (D59)

"In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." - Albert Schweitzer

How easily I tend to let life pass by, without acknowledging the weight it carries. It has always stricken me how my how mind seems to somehow shut down or perhaps numb down after fiercely racing on overdrive. It appeared to me the first weeks of vacations that the moment I had lowered my books and stepped into the dim reality of my own free time everything I had learned: all the books, the dialogues…even the people had taken a step down from the foreground and I was standing there alone; Dark undistinguishable background behind me, standing in center stage staring at 4 months of my life that danced before me.

With the ticking of time and the spotlight on tasks and to-do lists I sometimes forget to stop for a moment and take a breath. But the moment I saw my memories and learned lessons flutter before me like seagulls synchronizing on top of the ocean I had no escape, I knew it was my time to sit and take it all in, without excuses or delays I was overcome by feeling of accomplishment. I finished the first run, and it felt good.

It seemed to me that at times my “fire” would go out, I forgot these feeling and started drowning in glasses of water, but somehow the gleam of light was buried deep within me because everywhere I went I found people that would ignite my passion again…At a point I found myself surrounded by dialogue and meaningful ideas everywhere I went, the world is full of people ready to engage if you are too, something I had lost sight of many years ago (probably by the age of 6.)

These beautiful people; I found them everywhere, at a café, at the park, in a party and even walking down the streets. But the greatest place to find them is here.

I was finally on circle; freezing to death but with great fire within, I was so mesmerized by the little details of everyone around me, as if I had just came back, unharmed, from an alien abduction. I sat there and stared at all those familiar faces that overflow with personal opinions and criteria, the type of beautiful people that I had been meeting scattered along all my vacations, all again in one place.

Agora, the movie we watched, well that was a bundle of feelings. Such a wonderful movie with striking scenarios and meaningful messages, from the importance of reason and inquiry (which was mainly represented by Hypatia) to the dangers of extremist fanatics (from any affiliation I might add; be it political, economic or ideological.) But I do have to say I was outraged by the scenes of the fall of the Alexandria Library, made me consider how much has really been lost because of lack of empathy among human beings. And the danger we can represent to other and our own history/culture when presented with opposing views that may “threaten” our very well established “ideals.”

TERM TWO

Words are not enough; November 28th, 2013. (D58)

"Emotions, in my experience, aren’t covered by single words. I don’t believe in ‘sadness,’ ‘joy,’ or ‘regret.’ Maybe the best proof that the language is patriarchal is that it oversimplifies feeling. I’d like to have at my disposal complicated hybrid emotions, Germanic train-car constructions like, say, ‘the happiness that attends disaster.’ Or: ‘the disappointment of sleeping with one’s fantasy.’ I’d like to show how ‘intimations of mortality brought on by aging family members’ connects with ‘the hatred of mirrors that begins in middle age.’ I’d like to have a word for ‘the sadness inspired by failing restaurants’ as well as for ‘the excitement of getting a room with a minibar.’ I’ve never had the right words to describe my life, and now that I’ve entered my story, I need them more than ever."

- Jeffrey Eugenides

Words and grammar. I wonder if these two will ever be sufficient to express the deepest of human emotions, the unnamed ones, the eye watering-shiver making emotions that run through the deepest of our entrails, of our veins and the dark corners in our minds. This wonder that is communication has been a great topic of inquiry in this past three and a half months, after all, grammar is one of the three arts of the trivium; the representation of symbols. But how efficient that representation is when it comes to abstract concepts is a real question. But even more so, how efficient is it when it referring to emotions… they are of such an intangible nature yet most of them trigger physical manifestations of them. But for me, words are not enough to describe them honorably, to give the emotions the weight they carry and the strength with which they project themselves inside of me.

And suppose that’s why we search for other means of expression sometimes: Art being one of them in my case. Why do I pain? Or why do I make music? Because I am trying to express something, and my words are failing me. Not that they always fall short, all the contrary, most of the time they suffice and they deliver with an immense grace. That’s why I also love poetry so much. But where I am going with this is… at times, when I am asked “how do you feel?” and I just answer plainly “I am fine, thank you.” It is not with disdain or undermining their question, it is just that there are no right words to describe the answer to that question. How am I feeling?

My history is recorded by impressions on my skin, multicolored stamps left by ghosts reclaiming their territory. The air drowning the sky with brushes of orange and yellow diffused into a dark salty blue. My vision starts to blur as the day progresses and the memories reach my fingertips, I am drowning. The sky carries a black blanket with tiny holes, light escapes the background and makes me shiver. The air is pure and the ghosts are asleep, I feel but I can’t speak, let’s pretend it’s not time for the sun to rise. Sleep and sink, everything is alright.

Looking inward; November 27th, 2013. (D57)

"It seems I’ve stopped speaking with my voice. Part of me fell asleep and just watches."

-Fernando Pessoa

Today I decided to take a step back and focus on myself, on my work, on what I need to do to reach my goals. I saw many things while standing at the background, I could have judged much more easily for I saw everything everyone was doing or not doing, but I decided against it; I decided to just judge my work and my responsibility. Because after all it’s all I am truly responsible of, and it is the thing which I do have control over.

Looking inwards is interesting, it waked me up to a new perspective while at the same time it may have seemed like I was half asleep. To decide how much of the compromise you want to truly live up to, and that it is not an easy thing to do; these are just a few of the things I learned today. Sometimes I wish I could live this way; to forever live inwards and not have to deal with the effect others have over me. (Perhaps I’d have to more accurately say, the effect I let others have over me) But to be honest, they both have some sort of intrinsic power over the other, without living outwards you wouldn’t know the difference of living inwards, and one without the other are nothing but an plain state of being. One where there’s only that option, like always dreaming without the possibility of waking up, or always being awake without the opportunity to dream.

How boring that would be.

Senses; November 26th, 2013. (D56)

"You will never be able to experience everything. So, please, do poetical justice to your soul and simply experience yourself." - Albert Camus, from Notebooks

The senses can easily fool you. That is the greatest realization I had today: You should not lay all responsibility on your senses, they may fail you- a glitch in them can drive you to see things as they are not. That’s why we have reason, to question our senses and reach real conclusions about what we see and how we see it.

If we use this same notion to think about other senses, not only vision, we find ourselves questioning about everything we sense; smells, touch, sounds… And all of these make chain reactions in us; a smell or a sound might trigger memories, and these memories bring back feelings. It is all a queue of causes and responses. And how easy our primary causes can be deceived…

Reason weighs in at this point; how lucky we are to have our reason to shake us up and free us from the reign of senses. Not that we can ever be really freed, but we don’t solely depend on them, we can question them.

Ownership; November 25th, 2013. (D55)

"I try more and more to be myself, caring relatively little whether people approve or disapprove."Vincent Van Gogh

Part of growing is to take ownership of you and to give more importance to the awareness of oneself rather than on others; How wonderful it feels to be grateful for one’s advances instead of being weighed down by the setbacks of others. Of course it is important to consider others and to care for them as far as your constitution allows you, but never put those things ahead of yourself, for one should value their own work first and only then the work of others.

I see now I should celebrate what’s right with what I am doing instead of feeling ill because of others. Lastly I am only responsible of myself and my actions, I hold no business on whether others decide or not to honor as they say. I have realized lately I hold too dear my values and evaluate others by their law, and this is not always right.

But truth is I am very proud of myself, I have displayed the true commitment I hold to my work and I have demonstrated, firstly and mainly to myself, that I am in all capability of managing my freedom; and that is one of the greatest lessons I could ever learn. Because asking for freedom is easy, but attaining to the responsibility it entails carries great effort. (When done so consciously)

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Unfathomable as the oceans.