The Boy With So Many Questions

Kim || 18 || Bachelor of Science Major in Medical Technology

[unfeelingdweeb-blog]

I’m a toddler

I’m eighteen years old, an adult but not quite. They told me that being at this age comes with privileges and responsibilities. That my action can affect me more than it could years back. But I still couldn’t make decisions for myself without consulting my mom or my sister about it. I’m okay with it. It still it gave me a sense of freedom. A choice. A room to think and not just follow everything I’m told to do because I do have my beliefs and things I fight for now. 

It wasn’t that much of a problem until I fell in love with someone older than me. I felt it. It’s real. Like I’m seeing the real world in the eyes of someone who have experience things I have yet to do. And he treats me like an adult. I’m allowed to make my own decisions and to say things that could have earned judging stares from my family. And at that moment, I decided. I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life and live in the most mundane way as possible. That’s just wishful thinking, right?

You see, I have my flaws. I know that. But I am really tired of people telling me that I am too young to understand things. That I’m still playing childish games that I turned away from the moment I wanted to grow old with you. That I’m not ready for a mature relationship just because of that stupid mistake that I did. I didn’t even got the chance to redeem myself. You keep forgetting that I still have a room for improvement. Am I not allowed to grow up with you? I may not have that much experience but I can understand. Which is the only thing I’m proud to say that I can do best. I understand how busy you are and how unavailable you’ve become and you never heard me complain about it. I never I asked for much and all I ever wanted was for you to come to me when you can. How did I become so childish to you? What did I ever do to you? When all I do is say yes to the things you told me and be happy with what you give to me?

[myonlywayoutofhere]

If you love me and another, do me a favor and don’t choose me.

Day 315 (via myonlywayoutofhere)

[unfeelingdweeb-blog]

Here I stood proud of my pain

The applause is so loud 

I can’t hear myself screaming

They thought I was singing 

[somepiecesofmyheartandsoul-deac]

Some people fall in love with just the touch of a hand, or a smile on their face. While some people fall in love with the way the wind plays with their hair, the way they still have their smile intact when a little child steps on their favorite shoes by accident. Love is such a mystery, and people; they fall in the most mysterious way.

Lukas W. // Mysterious love (via somepiecesofmyheartandsoul)

[enlightenedreader]

[somepiecesofmyheartandsoul-deac]

I write for the sake of my soul. – Lukas W.

[unfeelingdweeb-blog]

“Knock, knock!”

How about I start by saying that men are the same. They are cheaters, liars and manipulative and once they see you falling for their antics, they will ditch you without a second thought. Oh, don’t you even start with the “not-all-guys-are-assholes” with me. You don’t have to agree with me but this is how I came up with this conclusion.

They come to you when you’re vulnerable.

People say that love comes when you least expect it. When life gives you a ton of shit to deal with until you’re helpless is the perfect time for a prince charming to come in to save the day. And of course, its only natural to give in and enjoy the honey he’s pouring on your ears because you need it. Your heart tells you that you need it. You will tear down the wall you built so that you can let him in your life because you think you need him to save you like a damsel in distress. And that’s how they start to ruin you.

Going in deep with you.

Sometimes, guys just know what to say at the right time. They know the words so well, words that will surely make us swoon. They are so good at it that sometimes I wonder if there’s a crash course for it. No one blames you from falling for it, really. I do understand that fluttering feeling when he says you’re special to me or you’re different or you’re worth the wait and all that nastiness. I’ve been a victim of it too and probably will be again sooner or later because I’m dumb. (Kids, don’t try it.) It’s just that we hold onto their words so dearly because its not everyday that someone comes to you and say how beautiful your eyes are or how badly they want to be with you. This is where we begin to lay our shields down because they appear to be harmless right before our eyes.

Then they start to tell things about themselves. Their childhood, family, hobbies, etc... everything about him seems so likable, dammit! But no, you’re just blinded by how affectionate he is to you. You missed the part where he’s being temperamental and just plain petty. So in return, you open up to him because you want to give back the trust that he gave you when he told his story. You begin to take the bones out of your closet for him to see. The scars you’re not proud of. The flaws you wish you changed.

You know what’s the scariest part? They tell you that he understands. That he’s willing to accept all of you. When in reality, they ready themselves for the drop.

They will put the blame on you.

Just when you thought yes, he’s the one, he will dump you. Without any preamble, without any reason. They will complain about how clingy you’ve become. They will say that you don’t understand him well enough. They will make you feel like you’re overbearing. And you will believe him because that’s what he thought you. You’ll start wondering, maybe he’s right, there’s something wrong with me. I’ve beaten myself up for not being enough, for not being that beautiful, for being myself. You’re too busy blaming yourself to notice that he’s gone. The questions that you have are left unanswered because he can’t stand your drama anymore. Yet, you still believe that there’s still hope for the two of you. And so you wait, even though deep down you know that he already did let go of you.

And now you’re left with a broken heart and an unsound mind. I am so fed up with this cycle. And I know its also my fault, because I let it happen. I never learn. That’s what kills me. I still blame myself for the things that never happened and we didn’t become. I am so mad at myself for believing that maybe there’s still a chance for me to be loved. I have so much love to give that I’m already willing to blindly give it to anyone who asked for it. So why? Why am I still hurting when all I do is love?

[unfeelingdweeb-blog]

I closed the book firmly

Finished it until the end

But listen to me as I read

The very first page

My heart is full of pages

With periods and commas

Separating the words

You never told me

[unfeelingdweeb-blog]

Less

I was so broke when you found me

And here I thought I fixed myself

But you came in and saved the day

Or so you made it look like it

You told me “It is sweet, my love.”

Closing my eyes, I tasted it

Bitter, but I still smiled for you

And I said, “Yes, it was indeed.”

The future that we created

With foolish and hopeful hearts

If the subtitles were erased,

Love, would you have understood it?

Scars ripped open by loving hands

Are wounds I failed to stich up

Now I am left with used bandaids

To hide them all over again

It was almost love without “e”

Because you took it to form “me”

I was hopeful then you scratched it

Then turned the last three letters four

[unfeelingdweeb-blog]

Ok, so why a blog?

My life is in a state of shit right now and I have tried everything that can take my mind off those bullshit and express my feelings. I’ve tried writing poems and short stories; works that I can manipulate. But sometimes, people are so dumb that they can’t understand my pain through my works, so a blog is like a bath-of-acid moment for me. This is where I start writing about how I feel a in plain simple text. No more inhibitions, no rules, just plain me. I’m creating this world for me and no one else. This would be my escape.