Unfiltered Craziness

[unfilteredcraziness]

The day that came too soon

I mean I know he was battling cancer… we all know it is not easy, especially being in advanced stage… I wonder what kind of life AV played during his last few breaths. Did he miss his mother’s warmth? Did he miss his wife’s kisses? Did he miss his children’s smiles?

I wonder if he regretted anything. I wonder if he could go back, he will decide not to touch the monster that made him suffer so much. I wonder if he knows I regret not being able to provide him with a view of his grand kid? I wonder if he is still with me sheltering me, guiding me through this horrible journey so I don’t break down alone? I wonder if he is waiting with me and for me to depart to a no suffering place until I get a chance to say my final goodbye?

I wonder he knows how much love he left behind in this world? I wonder he knows how many people are grieving his loss? I wonder if he knows how many people are amazed at the legacies he left behind?

I have so many questions that will never be answered. “Vedam Venkata Subba Murali Krishna” will stop existing in this world in just a couple of days. So I guess rather than wondering, I should look more closely at the people he left behind.

As they say, a death doesn’t just mean the person left this world, it also means he forever took a part of us away. His wife doesn’t have anyone whom she will lovingly call ‘oye’, his kids don’t have anyone whom they will call ‘nanna’. Those words will never be uttered by three of us anymore for the rest of our lives. His wife will never hear him call her ‘chitti’. His daughter will never hear him call her ‘bangaru talli’. His son will never hear him call him ‘bangaru konda’. We are not just mourning the loss of the most important person in our life, we are also mourning about the things that he took away with him. He took away our banters about politics and religion. He took away that pillar of support who stood by us and protected us at all times. He took away the strength that came with him to motivate us to achieve things. He took away the ocean of knowledge, the unsatisfied curiosity, the superhero strength.

Nevertheless, life goes on. This gaping hole we feel will never ever be filled. But we will learn to live with it. We will acknowledge his absence, accept things have changed, try and build our lives around the hole. One day, we will live our lives with his phantom presence guiding us to be a better version of ourselves. We will reminisce the memories of him and not cry anymore. We live on so we can fondly remember him and celebrate the magnanimous life he lived.

We will miss you Nanna. So very much. Thank you for everything and I hope you become my nanna in next life. I promise I won’t be penky pilla then, although I know u won’t have it in any other way. We love you Nanna.

[unfilteredcraziness]

Heaven and Hell

I have always mused about heaven and hell constructs. Being an atheist, I always questioned my faith and wondered about a lot of things. We can notice the line between science and religion is blurring slowly . This is resulting in a change of perspective. What once seemed god made can now be man made. Of course not all things, but how long will it take if humans put their mind to it.

As a strong believer in this Sanskrit sentence "daivam manushya rupena" translated as "Divine lives in human form" , I often wondered if heaven and hell are really based on the religion.

Let's imagine this scenario. You are on a road trip with your family. You will reach your destination by sunrise. You just have to get through this road that goes through this dense forest. You have good driving experience and are confident about your skills. It must be 3 AM now and rest of the family are in deep sleep. you are optimistic that u will reach your destination by next hour. you think you see a right turn and take it thinking it will lead you to your destination city. But unfortunately, there is no right turn and your car falls into a not so deep ditch. Your family members are hurt. Even in that darkness, you can make out the warm liquid oozing out of your knee as blood. you want to check the condition of your family so you forcefully push yourself out of the car and switch on flash light. Your daughter and her friend are unconscious. You can hear your son crying in pain somewhere near. Your wife is nowhere to be seen. You don't have any network on your phone. So you run from the ditch to the road hoping to ask for help from any oncoming vehicle. You pray to god like you have never done before. After a very long yet short minutes later, you see a truck going through the road. you wave your hands and explain the situation to the driver as soon as he stops. He agrees to help you. He works with you, finding your family and carefully placing them in his truck. He safely deposits the whole family at the first hospital he sees and leaves.

After this really elaborate and long scene, when you take a deep breath you can feel yourself thinking that truck driver came like a savior to save you and your family. you may think that god himself came in the form of truck driver to help you save your family. This situation supports my understanding of "divine lives in human form"

Now coming back to my initial point of heaven and hell. If divinity really exists inside humans, then yes of course, there exists wickedness. I personally believe when this wickedness becomes more than divinity, that's when the person loses his humanity and turns into evil.

May be heaven and hell are constructs created by humans by seeing people around them. May be heaven and hell are in our heads. Heaven is when you have peace of mind and your heart is at ease. Hell is when you have too many thoughts bringing you down and you are constantly justifying your wrong actions.

I believe our life is like a flow chart. Just like the conditional rhombus/diamond box, our actions of yes or no define the consequences that follows and has power to change our expected output. So instead of a devil and demon torturing people for their actions, may be we are the devil in our heads punishing ourselves for our wrongdoings living our life in hell. We should definitely know when to let of go the guilt we feel and let the past things not define us now. May be then we can be in heaven by putting our minds at peace and hearts at ease.

"Cry for a little while, Blame yourself for a little while and in return don't forget the lessons for a long time" - Choi Dam Dong (While you were sleeping)

[unfilteredcraziness]

Random Thought #1

When there is a death in the family, there will be a point when rest of the family moves on and forgets the void left by that person. But for this one person in the family, the void just grows bigger and bigger as the time go by.

It just makes me think are we really equipped with the capability to overcome the absence of someone or is that void some unseen baggage we carry around for our remaining life.