Safe In Your Arms, Where I Belong (Jude x Willem Fanfiction)
Series: A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara
Pairing:Â Jude St. Francis and Willem Ragnarsson
Takes place after VII/Lispenard Street
Summary: Jude's final attempt sends him back to the day Willem's car crash happens. But this time, the drunk driver hits another car instead. Willem is alive.
With the memories of a life without Willem, Jude decides to achieve a better ending than the one he got. And with Willem by his side, nothing feels impossible.
(Also, sorry if the writing style feels a bit different than Yanagihara's, My first language isn't English and I didn't read the English version of this book. I really hope there aren't too many noticeable mistakes that would prevent you from enjoying it.)
VIII / The Butterfly Effect
 The needle of the syringe thatâs inside of Jude St. Francis feels cold. Nothing more, nothing less. The fingers of the man holding it trembles for a second, even himself isnât sure if itâs because he is scared or excited. Scared for death, or excited for the release.Â
Release. Thatâs the name he came up with for this attempt months ago, while he was planning the letters each person would get. He has become such a dead weight on other people that it is noticeable; from their smiles that hide worry, or their eyes covered in dark circles. People around him are tired because of him. Harold, Julia, and Andy, they all are. He thinks how their lives would be if they never met Jude. Probably way happier. This thought has been putting a lot of weight on his shoulders and each day the weight multiplies. The shoulders that have been already carrying so much of the past.
The needle stays inside of him for a couple of minutes, he still didnât inject the air into his artery. He looks around himself, taking in the last chance of using his senses, ever. He looks at the -perfectly- clean bathroom tiles, feels its texture with his hand thatâs not holding the syringe and smells the perfume of Willem he poured onto himself minutes before. He cries, of course. Cries for what he is doing, how others are going to react, and what could have been. If only this and that were different. If he was a better person, then things would be different. He would make everyone proud. Maybe even himself.
He fought, very hard. He just wishes other people will be aware of it after what will happen moments later. That he is not doing this because he is giving up, but because he fought so long that he canât bear to do it any longer. âRelease me from my promise to you.â He remembers shouting these words to Harold, âDonât make me do this anymore, donât make me go on.â
But he stops himself from diving too deep into his thoughts or memories. He has already thought about these probably his entire life. What good would they be in his final moments? So, he changes his focus; He looks at the space in front of him and thinks of him, Willem. He knows it's selfish not to imagine Harold or Julia or Andy⊠but Willem is already dead and dead people canât be more disappointed. Thinking anybody else who is alive would only make him feel guilty about what he is about to do. He tries to imagine Willem in front of him, he thinks how his touch would feel on his cheeks, arms, chest, and back. He thinks about all the years he knew him. How Willem always found a way to find his way back home and how he always tried to take care of Jude. He plays their memories on his head, one by one, thatâs how he always planned it would go. Because if he doesnât, his promise to Harold will be all over the corners of his mind, and that way he could never find the courage to do what he is about to do.Â
Only Willem, Jude guides himself in the right direction. Willemâs hair, Willemâs smell, Willemâs kind heart, and Willemâs arms around him as they slept together side by side every night. The memories get faster and faster as his heartbeats do as well. Sacred memories that only belong to them. How lucky and blessed Jude must be to have such magical memories. Willem, he thinks.
 Willem, Willem, Willem.
I hope we can meet again someday, dear.
 He shuts down his eyes and injects the syringe all at once. The air that was previously stuck in the syringeâs tube finds its way and welcomes its new home, Judeâs artery.
The pain he feels isnât how he imagined it would be, it feels normal to him, way too normal. But he canât figure it out if it was because the actual act wasnât as harsh as the papers written about it or if his body was so used to inflicting pain to itself that this was nothing new. He feels happy. Yes, the pain, his body trembling and his legs kicking around in an animalistic way feels distracting, but he can still think of Willem. Not being able to do that was his biggest fear in the whole act itself.
He thinks of him until his mind doesnât allow him to, until he forgets what he looks like. But that doesnât stop him. He knows Willemâs name and Willemâs name is enough home to him. Enough to keep him safe from Brother Luke and Dr. Traylorâs fingers that are reaching for him. It seems that Jude carried his demons with him for so long that his mind still canât let go of them, even at death. He still clearly remembers every single detail about them, but he isnât worried.Â
Itâs okay. He knows Willemâs name, nothing else would be strong enough to take that name away from him.
The noise comes and goes, one by one, but it is always the same noise. As if somebody is shutting a light switch on and off repeatedly. He drifts away from his dazed state, he can hear the ringing more and more clearly now. Jude canât help but shake his head, the fog that's surrounding him needs to get away because the noise is getting more and more irritating each passing second. He feels his right arm slapping through the air as if he is materializing the thing thatâs bothering him and punching it. But it doesnât work, the ringing is still there.
Seconds feel like an eternity. An eternity of remembering what he has done seconds ago. Great, he thinks to himself, Iâm in the hospital again. He failed. Failing twice in a subject so close to him feels like a punch in the throat. This is the one thing he should be doing successfully and better than anyone, but he even fails at this, apparently.
The ringing gets louder and louder, so loud that he takes a bold step to get up. The action is more of a reflex but what surprises him is that he can feel his body moving. His muscles tensing up and his prosthetics lifting him to the ground. He feels worried now, how is he standing up if he is in the hospital? Itâs time to open your eyes, he commands himself. Something is wrong, Jude. It feels like it takes him days just to lift his glued eyelids back up. The light feels violent, he covers his eyes for a while with his scarred hand and waits until they adapt to seeing, observing life once again.
He is in the Lantern House. He looks around with a huge discomfort in his chest. How is he here, why is he here? He wasnât supposed to be here, the last thing he remembers is the needle that was inside of his skin and the stroke taking control of his body. Being here made no sense at all.
His mind doesnât even think about how it could just be a bad nightmare.
His thoughts get distracted by the ringing once again. What he thought were hospital machines beeping was coming from the kitchen table.
Oh, his phone was ringing.
He slowly but surely moves his body towards the kitchen, since he still feels a bit dazed, he doesnât bother checking the caller and just answers the phone. âHello?â
âHi Judy!â the voice thatâs coming from the other side of the phone reaches him and suddenly Jude is wide awake, feeling clearer than he had ever felt. He pushes the phone closer to his ear until it hurts and is still shocked by the unexpected voice. Â Was this a voicemail? Or an old recording he put on a loop to fall asleep? âDear, I just met up with Malcolm and Sophie at the station, weâll shortly be on our way. Do you need anything from the grocery store?â
Jude doesnât even hear the words themselves; he just hears Willemâs beautiful voice on his ears and tears up. Even if somebody is messing with him by playing this sound to him on the phone, Jude doesnât care. âWillem, is that you?â he whispers to the phone. âOf course, itâs me, Judy.â Willem chuckles sincerely, âOr is there anyone else that calls you 'dear'?â
Jude instantly takes a step back from the phone and even falls to the ground. This conversation has never happened between them and his mind is racing between millions of thoughts on what the hell is going on.  He is not sure how long he stayed on the ground, he was so distracted and mesmerized by Willemâs name on the screen. âJude?â Willem finally speaks once again, âIs everything alright?â
Jude wasnât alright, he would be crying hysterically if he wasnât biting on his own fingers to silence himself. The tears are rolling down from his cheeks nonstop and he knows this canât be real. This is the day Willem dies .Â
The day Willem went to pick up Malcolm and Sophie seems so far away from now. Just a blur, a lost page on a dusted calendar.Â
He would laugh at himself if he could, to the fact that he questioned how moments ago his suicide attempt could be a dream. Jude wasnât stupid, it wasnât a dream . The nightmares he had to endure, the days that only had ever-lasting pain in them couldnât be a dream.
But this was one.  Hearing and seeing Willem could only  be a dream.  It always was . They would get rarer and rarer, so much so that he doesnât even remember which day was it the last time he had seen Willem in his dreams. He inhales sharply and forces himself to sound normal and picks up the phone again, âSorry,â He says, âIâm cooking at the same time, a bit busy.â He adds. âOh, I see!â Jude can see the smile that forms on Willemâs face. âSo, do you need anything?â Willem asks once again.
Jude smiles faintly. I just need you, Willem. But youâre never going to come back to me.
He leans on the phone, he could almost hear Willemâs steady breathing on the phone, he would never speak and drive so they must still be in the train station. The thought of warning Willem about the car crash sounds so desperate to him. But he is desperate, he is and has always been  since this day. The funny thing was, Willem wouldnât even think of him as crazy, he would nod and say he would make sure to drive a bit slower. But Jude still canât find the courage to warn him. He takes a deep breath and wipes his eyes so that he can see again, âIâm out of soil for the garden,â He puts his forehead to the wall, he knows there is a flower shop right before the place the car crash is going to happen. âCan you stop by and get me some?â the question is such a simple one without context, so it doesnât even take a second for Willem to answer, âOf course, the usual store?â he asks for reassurance and Jude nods, âMhm.â He says, â Please take your time.â
After the phone call ends, Jude feels himself almost going crazy. First, the seconds donât pass. He is stuck in a singular moment, thinking of how the conversation went. Repeats every single word Willem just said to him in his head and lives them in his head again and again. Then, seconds pass like sands falling from an hourglass. He wishes for time to slow down but minutes keep passing and passing. Jude is surprised at how childish he is feeling. He thinks that how he is feeling would be the same if he had a normal childhood and if he was waiting for Christmas morning.
 When the doorbell rings, he is still in the same spot the phone call happened.
He doesnât know how to react or respond, he just feels his body preparing to get up and run to the door. Will he see Willem? Is he that lucky in his dream?
Then it hits him, maybe nothing has changed. Maybe itâll be a police officer standing in front of his house again, announcing what happened to his dearest friends.Â
Knowing himself, Jude can guess which way this dream is going to go. His mind has never been a friend to him, Â so why would it this time?
That's why he doesn't move an inch, he stays there and looks at the door. Why was it locked anyway? Couldn't they just enter and save him from the misery? Minutes pass once again, his phone is also ringing now. He slowly gets up and looks around. The kitchen is familiarly strange to him. Over the years after Willem's death, he made small changes but those changes aren't there anymore. Not being able to find comfort in his own house makes him even more anxious. Each step towards the door feels like a journey itself.
When he finally opens the door, he was fully expecting to see an officer standing right next to him to announce whoever got hurt this time.
But he doesnât see a police officer. What he sees feels just like another day of his everyday life. But a part of him knows this isnât ordinary. A part of him is sure how much this cannot  be real. He looks at the people greeting him by the door, Sophie, Malcolm, and Willem.
 Jude feels as if he is seeing Willem for the first time in his entire life, all his grace at once. All the days he starved himself just to have a glimpse of him, all the nights he buried his face onto Willemâs shirt, and all the days he used Willemâs perfume on his pillow. Every single day he spent without Willem comes at him like ravenous wolves jumping at their prey. Jude is so overwhelmed that he doesnât recognize the worry on their faces. Well, technically he does, but he is used to it, so it doesnât bat an eye.
âWhat took you so long?â Willem says. The simple, without character words leaving Willemâs mouth sounds like music from the heavens to Jude. He could cry, he wants to cry. But his old habits are also returning him, he canât do that in front of Malcolm and Sophie.Â
Jude has always been good at lying, so much so that he could come up with one without even taking another breath. It is one of the greatest defences he built against the world trying to find their way to his secrets. âI got tired from waiting for you guys, so I took a nap.â He explains while looking at the paper bags that are filled with groceries in their hand. âWhy was the door locked in the first place?â Malcolm asks. He knew Malcolm probably all of his adult life, he was Judeâs one of the closest, dearest friends. But spending two years without seeing or talking to him is showing its outcomes. Malcolm feels and looks like a stranger to him; someone he needs to trust all over again.
Jude slowly comes back to his senses more and more and as he does, he realizes how monotone the questions sound, how superficial and shallow. Whatever he replies with wonât make a difference to them because the questions are just out of kindness. They have something else in their mind, Jude thinks. âI started getting paranoid lately when itâs just me in the house.â He finally blurts it out, and just like how he thought, they nod and keep looking at him with dilated pupils and unstable breaths. He curses at himself for caring. He wants to be selfish and take Willem into his arms, he wants to touch every single part of him, he wants to bury his nose and smell him, even kiss him. But he doesnât, he canât, not when they look so out of character. âWhat happened to you guys?â Jude asks instead, he is better at lying than them, so he knows they wonât understand how fake his question is as well, just like theirs. They might not know it, but he himself knows. He doesnât care about what happened to them, he just wants Willem. And that makes him despise himself even more.
âJudyâŠâ Willem exhales, steps into the house, and wraps his arms around Jude tightly, securing him in his place, as if somebody is going to come and snatch him away from them. The moment Willem takes him in his arms, Jude figures out this cannot be real. No matter how real his dreams felt, they never felt this close, this detailed. They were always vague about Willem because no matter how many times he watched Willem's movies or videos, he would be nothing but a blur in his head. How is this real, how are you real?Â
Willem quickly breaks the embrace, takes Judeâs face into his hands, and kisses his cheek gently. Willemâs lips touching him feels like an award for surviving through all those days without him. âThere was an accident.â Willem finally says, âA truck hit the car right in front of us, Jude⊠Right in front of us. There was blood everywhere.â Willemâs words are disconnected from each other, they had long pauses and it seemed like he didnât even know what emotions he was feeling, let alone describe them.
He takes a quick small step back to distance himself from Willem. âThe driver⊠didnât hit you?â he asks while sighing in relief, he almost even smiles, not realizing how stupid and arrogant the question sounds. âWhat?â Malcolm responds instead, âGod no, Jude. Why would you say that?â
He blinks a couple of times and figures he should be surprised, maybe shocked even. But he isnât, he still remembers every detail, the driver -how could he forget-, his name and what vehicle he drove, what beer company he worked for, and exactly how much money he took from him⊠âGod.â Jude finally speaks and asks the question he already knows the answer of, âHow bad was it, Willem.âÂ
Willem. Speaking his name to Willem himself is a paradise he yearned for years. Willem opens his mouth, but words donât come out of it. Malcolm and Sophie sense his stress and also steps into the house. They all guide Willem to the couch in the living room and Jude goes to the kitchen to take a glass of water for Willem. His steps in the kitchen are so fast, so childishly quick that it doesnât even take more than ten seconds to give him the glass.
When he has the chance of seeing Willem, any time he spends elsewhere would be wasted time.Â
âThere was a family of four⊠Two kids.â Malcolm whispers, he is still shaking, âTheir poor bodies were all over the ground.â
Sophie shushes Malcolm and looks at Jude, as if Malcolmâs words would affect Judeâs mental state or triggers him in any way. He laughs at Sophie in his mind. I saw all your dead bodies, helped people identify Willem, do you really think some random people would affect me?
âIt couldâve been meâŠâ Willem says, he picks his words carefully. He is covering his eyes with his hands, âWe stopped at the flower shop on the side of the road,â Willem gives a glance at Jude, âIt only took me a minute to get it, Judy. If I didnât stop there, it wouldâve hit us instead.â He says and Jude can feel the tears forming in Willemâs eyes from the way he speaks. Willem doesnât sound like he is scared he almost died; he sounds guilty. âIt couldâve been meâŠâ he had said, but the only reason he said it like that must be because he didnât want to upset Jude. It shouldâve been me, what he was trying to say. He shouldâve been the one to get hit, instead of the family.
Soil? Jude thinks, all the horrible, endless nightmare-like days went without Willem was avoided because he was out of a bag of soil? He curses at the universe, or life, or whatever god there may be. Fuck the family who died, Jude thinks selfishly, I already once accepted the fact that I would give up on Malcolm, JB, and Harold all at once just to have you back. And he was back, all because of some stupid soil?
The soil that you asked from him. His conciseness suddenly reminds him. Then the realization comes like boiling water pouring down on his entire body. Was he the reason this happened?
âIâm so sorry, Willem,â Jude speaks, but he is still lying. âHow is the driver?â he continues. âThe fucker is fine, barely a scratch. Apparently, he was drunk.â Malcolm answers, his words cut like razors, they carry so much anger it almost lits the room on fire, he remembers feeling this same rage once as well. Jude takes Willemâs hands onto his own ones -they feel so tender, rough but warm- âI will see what I can do about this, I promise youâŠâ he comforts Willem, âI will not let him get away with this.âÂ
Of course, these words are nothing but a way to comfort Willem. Jude never went out of his way to work on a case that wasn't introduced to him by the company or colleagues first.Â
He doesnât want to act anymore; he wants to care about this family that died. So, he searches into his soul to find the flames he once set on fire, the fire that burned everything that was behind the reason for the car crash. But when you set something tremendous on fire, it doesn't just stop once the job is done. It keeps burning, keeps seeking for more and more to destroy. And what it found next was Jude himself.Â
He reminds himself of the hatred when he saw the driver's face and how satisfying it felt when he took every single penny from him -and his family- as if it would be enough to buy Willem back from the dead.Â
He searches and searches, but he canât find it.Â
He knows the reason behind it very well; he is simply not angry at the driver, how could he be, after all, he didnât hit Willem. It wasnât Willemâs car, Willem was safe. How could he be angry at him? If he was standing next to him right now, Jude might even thank him, âThank you.â He would say, âThank you for not picking him this time.â
Who he is angry at isn't the driver anymore. It's himself. He was the reason why they died. And after coming to terms that this was somehow real, Jude feels guilty. 'But Willem is safe,' his mind appears at him for comfort, 'Isn't it worth it, Jude? He is safe and sound. You didn't even know the family.'
It was true, not him or neither Willem knew who they were. But Willem had seen their bodies. All the sorrow and guilt he is going through right now is because of Jude. He is the reason behind Willem's trauma.
 The dinner goes awkwardly standard. Conversations die easy and the only constant noise is the forks and knives hitting the plates. Jude tries not to stare at Willem for long periods, to not make him suspicious of anything. Look at your food for 30 seconds, then ask a question to Malcolm that Willem would also answer, then you can look into his eyes as much as you want as he speaks. Finding shortcuts like this was something Jude was good at, so he could fabricate as many excuses to stare at Willem, his home. Not that Willem would mind Judeâs eyes on him, but Jude wanted to act normal. He wasnât going to reveal what was going on before he finds any clues. That is if he can find any.
Oh, how terribly I missed you, Willem.Â
In the past two years, he read and memorized Willemâs emails so much so that he could think of how Willem would react in a situation. That was a coping mechanism he figured out a while after Willemâs death. When he sought guidance or needed affection from Willem, he would dive into his mind and let his imagination react as Willem. Willem would do this if he were here, say this and kiss like this. But now, he doesnât need to do that, or anything similar. He doesnât need to starve himself to see him or let go of Willem entirely to move on.
Willem is right there, right next to him, and when Willem is next to Jude, he knows he is safe, he knows this is where he is meant to be.
Somehow, none of them realizes there is something wrong with Jude. It is probably because theyâre dealing with their demons and struggles right now. This gives some time for Jude to focus on what the hell is going on. But the answers he finds are close to none and the more questions he finds the faster time passes.
Next thing Jude knows, it is time for bed. He already prepared the guest room for Malcolm and Sophie, so he just tells them goodnight and lets them settle there. But even then, even after hours of their arrival, he isnât ready for sharing a bed with Willem, not yet, not this soon. He can barely go on looking at his eyes without having a heart attack, how is he suppose to lay next to him? So, he busies himself with dishes, then reorganizes some of the kitchen shelves. He spent so long without Willem that the houseâs interior changed over the years. He is now used to taking the glasses from the third cabin instead of the first one and the plates from the upper shelf rather than the cabinet below. So, he takes them one by one and adjusts them to how he is used to. But Jude also knows that he canât stay away from the bedroom forever. Willem is still shocked. Sure, he made a couple of jokes as they were eating dinner or told stories about his latest projects, smiled like how he always does, but Jude knows how good of an actor he is and this is nothing but an act. Willem needs help right now, switching the places of plates and glasses isnât a good excuse to be away from him. Not when he just got him back.Â
He counts his steps to the bedroom one by one, when the number reaches thirteen, he is by the door. Jude first knocks on the door -he doesnât want to scare Willem, just in case- and enters slowly. The room isnât lit completely. Only the lamp thatâs next to Willemâs side of the bed is on and he is half laying on the bed, holding a book Jude knows wouldnât be interesting to Willemâs liking. His eyes werenât even on the pages, he was staring at the ceiling.
Willemâs eyes change their location and find Jude, and Jude can see how fast they soften, his heart breaks into million pieces all at once. He quickly builds himself back up but itâs barely holding it together. Hold on Jude, he commands himself, you canât let him see that youâre struggling, not when he is like this. âJudyâŠâ Willem says, his voice carries all the emotions he was holding back throughout the day. âIâm here, Willem.â He quickly walks towards Willem and holds his hand. Willemâs eyes fill with tears and he closes them shut before he starts crying.Â
Willem holds back Judeâs hand with his left and onto Judeâs shirt with his right hand. He is fighting himself not to pull Jude in but Jude knows thatâs what he actually wants, what he needs right now. So he exhales, doesnât think about his problems, and lets Willems pull him beside him, next to the arms he belongs.
Willem breaks down, âThe familyâs kid looked like him.â He whispers. Jude knows Willem wants to shout and break and probably destroy the whole house apart. So why isnât he? Why is Willem still holding his feelings inside, is it because Malcolmâs here? Or is it because of Jude?
âWho?â Jude whispers, covering Willemâs back with his arms and forming a hug. âWillem itâs okay, Iâm right here. Talk to me.â He says and Willem inhales hesitantly and blurts a word out, but he canât finish his sentence. âHemâŠâ he manages to say, and that is enough for Jude to understand.
  Of course, he knows who Hemming is, he has heard his name maybe hundreds of times from Willemâs childhood memories. Willemâs past was never a closed box, Jude has heard snippets of his home, his family, and about his brother many many times. His eyes would lose their focus each time he mentioned his brother as if he is trying to imagine himself there with him. From what Jude knows, Hemming was a good person, yes he couldnât react or do things like a regular person would do but he gave comfort to Willem and Jude was forever grateful for that.
But whenever he hears stories about Hemming, he feels as if he is learning more about Willem than his brother. How Willem would take him on walks each morning and tell him stories when it was sleep time. He learns it again and again, how kind Willem is, how pure-hearted he must be to take care of his older brother like that, with so much passion. So, each time the topic of Willemâs past comes up, Jude finds himself falling for him all over again.
Sometimes, he wondered if Willem was interested in being friends with Jude because he reminded him of Hemming. That thought occurred more and more after Willem confessed to him. Was he seeing something in Jude that would remind him of Hemming? Was he imagining his brother whenever Jude needed help psychically? After all, Willem helped dozens of kids who had disabilities, and wasnât that because they reminded him of his brother?
Thankfully, Jude later figured out that wasnât the case. He tried testing him many times. Just like the time he tested if Harold was one hundred percent sure about adopting him. He sometimes used his wheelchair in the house even when he didnât need to, he used his legs as an excuse to cancel scheduled important events, would go out of his way to let Willem help with things that Jude would normally be able to do. These things werenât something he was used to doing, -getting help from others made him feel weak, but this wasnât getting help; this was to observe- then, he would look at Willem, see the expression on his face. Was it similar to Calebâs? Was Willem seeing his disabilities, not as his personality but as something that was standing in the way of being himself?
But however many times he looked at Willem, he saw no difference. Not even once, not even if he was tired or angry. It was as if Willem was seeing Jude as a whole, as if each and every single part of his personality was required to be on the stage to complete âJudeâ. He was certain of it when he tested him for the last time. They were fighting -Who knows about what, itâs been so long since Willem died that all their fights feel insignificant-, and Jude struggled to take a file he needed to grab from the shelf, he couldnât reach. Of course, like many times in the past, his legs were aching -they werenât amputated yet- and Jude just couldnât grab them.Â
He tried and tried and eventually gave up, their words were still on the air, arguing and shouting and trying to force their opinions onto each other. Then Willem got up, took the file Jude couldnât reach, gave it to him, and returned, arguing as if nothing had happened. Thatâs when Jude understood, it meant nothing to Willem.Â
If Willem took pity on Jude's disability and stopped the fight once he saw him struggling, then Jude would know how it was just a barrier. But Willem never saw it like that. The struggles that came with Jude were a part of Jude, not something that should be excluded.
  In the bedroom, they stay in that position for a while, Willemâs crying slowed down. Tears left their spot for soft whimpers and sobs. Their position changed as well; The hug turned into sleeping in each others arms. Jude feels extremely lucky that Willem is in no state of realizing how fast his heart is beating. Because if he did, Willem would get up and rush him to Andy, assuming Jude was having a heart attack.
But he canât go on like this either, he missed Willem. Their usual position in bed -Willem hugging Judeâs back- doesnât feel enough, not when Jude can only see the walls. Jude wants more of Willem, all of him.
So, he does something that he never did before, he slowly turns around -Willem gets surprised as well, but he doesnât react- and lets Willemâs hands get free of him. He doubts for a second, not because he is afraid he would be unable to, but because he might not handle being this close to Willem after everything. Not now, Jude scolds himself to take action, not when you got your second chance.
They lay on the bed, facing each other for god knows how long. Then, Jude closes the distance, burying his head onto Willemâs chest and hugging him so tight that Willem lets out a soft sound. He inhales, taking in Willemâs warmth and scent -Oh how different and cheap the perfume's smell felt now- but he needs more, he pulls onto Willem even more and their bodies feel as if they are one. It takes a couple of seconds for Willem to react. He first kisses Judeâs hair, then hugs him back. They are both crying silently, but being next to each other is enough comfort for them to know that they are safe and whatever theyâre fighting for isnât stronger than them.
Jude cries and cries and cries. For what he went through these last two years, for having Willem back, and most importantly, for the endless guilt of being the reason for killing a family.
He can tell Willem is asleep now, his breathing is in sync, and Willemâs fingers donât draw circles around his shoulder anymore. He wants this moment to never end, if he had the power, he would take the chance of freezing and staying in this exact moment forever, sacrificing everything else about his life without a doubt. But he knows he canât.
He knows that the past two years without Willem wasnât some sort of an ever-lasting nightmare or an effect of sickness. He remembers reading about a man falling asleep and dreaming an entire life for himself. The man would meet a woman, marry her, and have two kids. After he wakes up the next morning, he doesnât even realize that the life he woke up to wasnât the bed he shared with his wife. He had no wife to begin with, it was all a dream.
But Jude knows this isnât what happened with him. It canât be fake; the reason he knows this leads to the root of many of his problems; his past. Judeâs past has never been a passive observer, it never waited until Jude gave an opening to attack. They were always on the hunt, trying to break all of Judeâs defenceâs at once, jumping and dashing forward, biting every inch of the walls Jude built up over the years. Thatâs why his past has always been with him, he carries them with him. Every day with Brother Luke and every step he took running away from Dr. Traylor.
It feels like all of the days without Willem emerged into one and joined those monsters, they formed an alliance with the other monsters there and attacked at once. They are all trying to find their way back in, to feed until they canât do it anymore.Â
The monsters never came from things that were fake or imaginary, they were always real -except for that one time Jude imagined Harold taking advantage of him, but that was due to a fever- The creature that the past two years turned into is massive, probably way bigger than any other monster lurking around Judeâs head. He knows they canât be fake or just an imagination of the mind. He is sure of it, they were real.
What he is not sure of is how he is going to go on. How different the events are going to be with all of them still alive? All the time travel movies he has seen in his life often dealt with the âButterfly Effectâ; even a change of something affecting the future drastically. But Jude isnât worried about that, whatever challenges life throws at him, he knows he can handle it when Willem is next to him.Â
Then Jude realizes. If he wasnât embraced by Willemâs arms so tightly, he would even get up from the information his mind just came up with;
He has lived through the worst.
A life without Willem , a life where he disappointed every single person that has ever known and cared for him. A life that took him to the day where he sat on that cold bathroom floor and forced a syringe into his artery willingly. The things he felt back then are what he is feeling now but he is suddenly more self-aware this time.Â
If how he lived his life the way he wanted it turned out like this -the worst case scenario, without a doubt- then even the smallest difference he would make from now on would only make things for the better.Â
What if he spoke about his feelings more, or smiled more, or forced to take part in a social event Willem wanted them to join this time? What if he just went to Harold and hugged him -they haven't done that since Caleb-, what if he thanked -instead of apologizing- Andy for all the trouble he has caused him. This and this and this and this and this. Whatâs the worst thing that could happen? He already successfully killed himself once.
Jude promises himself that no matter what he does from now on, he will not let the same ending happen to him, not again. He doesnât know what gave him this second chance, he might never even find out, but it doesnât matter. He has been given one and is not going to waste it.
He spends the entire night watching Willem asleep. His fingers are so curious, touch starved yet so shy that it takes him hours to go from Willemâs shoulders to his chest. It is pitch black, so he canât see him at all, but he knows he is there, he can hear his soothing breathing and his chest rising slowly. His warmth is radiating, and it feels as if it is creating a shield around Judeâs body. He doesnât need to fight the demons and monsters all alone now, he has Willemâs strength and protection with him. And he hopes his own warmth is providing the same thing to Willem.
 He needs to change, and change seems so easy when Willem is still next to him. Even if the change is the slightest, smallest act, it canât ever get worse than the ending he got.
The butterfly effect, he reminds himself.Â
Then, for the first time since Willem's death, Jude St. Francis falls asleep peacefully.
This series... Jude is an amazing character, I think Hanya Yanagihara portrayed the "If you don't seek help, this is what happens" theme very well and this fic is in no way to insult her writing, I'm not saying my version is better or the right ending for the book! I'm just a sucker for characters getting the ending they deserve so I'm putting my own spin on this, in my version of the ending, Jude decides to seek the help he needs.
I hope you liked this!! Writing Willem and Jude supporting each other was SUCH a therapy for me. This book affected me so much and being able to give them some comfort is the only thing helping me accept the ending of the book without making me go through an existential crisis.
Thank you SO SO much for taking your time to read this fic. If you enjoyed it, leaving a comment would mean the world to me, I would love to hear your opinions on it!
I'm really not sure if I'll continue this series, I think there's space for one more chapter where Jude meets the rest of the characters. Writing a character that's so beautifully and carefully written was very difficult, I had to pause writing and ask myself if Jude would think like this or if he did, what would be the reason behind it. I hope they didn't feel out of character to you.
Thank you!!!
