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@unfortunate-quotes-13
(Isadora walks in on Violet and Quigley kissing)
Isadora: What the actual fuck.
(Violet and Quigley spring apart)
Isadora: Oh, you sick sick bastards. This is incest!
Quigley: No it’s not!
Isadora: Yes, it is, Quigley!
Quigley (about Violet): We’re not related.
Isadora: Oh, and that makes it ok, I suppose?
Quigley: Well, it makes it not incest.
Quigley: Commence Operation: Child Endangerment.
Jacques: We are not calling it that.
Violet: Quigley’s such a nerd and a sap. I can’t believe I’m going to marry him one day.
Klaus: You don’t have to???
Violet: no I’m gonna
Sunny: What’s the easiest way to steal a man’s wallet?
Violet: Knife to the throat?
Quigley: Gun to the back?
Isadora: Poison in his cup?
Klaus: You’re all horrible.
Violet: Fine. But if this job kills us all, I’m going to get Nero’s ghost to teach my ghost how to play the violin just so that I can annoy the hell out of your ghost.
Klaus: I’ll just hire Quigley’s ghost to kick your ghost’s ass.
Quigley: My ghost won’t associate with your ghost.
Olaf: Lick her face!
Ishmael: THINK OF GOD!
ASOUE Books As John Mulaney Quotes
The Bad Beginning: And life is a fucking nightmare!
The Reptile Room: Let's draw a line of chalk around where the body was- that way, we'll know where it was.
The Wide Window: You want me to do what?
The Miserable Mill: Hey, I'm new in town, and it gets worse!
The Austere Academy: Rather than continue to teach you how to read, we have cleared the entire day, for this random guy!
The Ersatz Elevator: Famous people are weird as shit, your suspicions are correct.
The Vile Village: Everyone get out of my way- I just want to sit here and feed my birds!
The Hostile Hospital: Something happened here. You hope it was a miracle, but probably not.
The Carnivorous Carnival: I think eventually things are gonna be okay, but I have no idea what's going to happen next- and neither does anyone else.
The Slippery Slope: You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.
The Grim Grotto: One feels like a duck, splashing about in all this wet, and when one feels like a duck, one is happy!
The Penultimate Peril: This is an on-fire laundry room.
The End: Now we don't have time to unpack all of that!
ASOUE as John Mulaney Quotes
Violet: Top 3 colleges? I thought I’d be dead in the back of a trunk with my hand hanging out of the taillight by now.
Klaus: Woah! That tall child looks terrible! Get some rest, tall child!
Sunny: stop snitchin, motherfucker!
Count Olaf: “Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs.”
Mr. Poe: Strange, the passage of time.
Jacquelyn: In terms of instant relief, cancelling plans is like heroin.
Larry: “I made a salad with Craisins!!!”
Isadora: Well shit, I guess they’re finally gonna kill us all. This is younger than I thought it’d be, but we are pretty big assholes.
Quigely: STREET SMARTS!
Duncan: Nothing, cause I was sittin’ over on the bench.
Beatrice: She’s a five-foot, dynamite, Jewish bitch, and she’s the best!
Bertrand: My wife says walking around with me is like walking with someone who’s running for Mayor of Nothing.
Lemony Snicket: I don’t look like someone who used to do anything. I look like I was just sitting in a room with a chair eating saltines for 28 years and then walked right out here.
Jacques Snicket: I’ll keep all of my emotions right here, and then one day, I’ll die.
Kit Snicket: ughh… you know, life…
Dewey Denouement: “You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.”
Justice Strauss: “This is an on-fire garbage can. Could be a nursery…”
Oliva Caliban: Now, we don’t have time to unpack ALL of that…
Aunt Josephine: Look– I don’t know ‘never’! Fourteen years ago, I smoked cocaine the night before my college graduation; now I’m afraid to get a flu shot! People CHANGE.
Uncle Monty: AAHH! One feels like a DUCK, splashing about in all this WET! And when one feels like a DUCK, one is HAPPY!
Esme Squalor: Famous people are weird as SHIT. Your suspicions are correct.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender: [imitating old gay man] You want me to do whaat?
Fernald: Do My Friends Hate Me, or Do I Just Need To Go To Sleep?
Rest of Olaf’s Troupe: OK, see you at Improv Practice.
Ishmael: “God can’t hear you.”
Sir: “You kids have no upper body strength.”
Jerome Squalor: You’ll see! One day I’m gonna leave you, and I’m gonna get that Best Buy Rewards Card!
Hal: There is a HORSE. LOOSE. In the HOSPITAL.
VFD Villagers: “Oh god, it’s the old times. Ok.. we gotta think of some weird, slow activities to fill the day…”
*ATWQ bonus*
Ellington: Ah, none of us really know our fathers.
ASOUE Characters As John Mulaney Quotes
Part Five: The Quagmires
Violet: Where we going, Klaus? Klaus: Man, this trip is exactly what I needed to take my mind off everything. Violet: I'm so sorry about your dad dying. Klaus: You're not helping me, Vi. Violet: I'm sorry about Fiona. Klaus: How about I drive off a cliff right now? Would that make you sorry?
Beatrice: Violet is at that special age where she only has one thing on her mind.
Esme: Boys?
Violet: Homicide.
Duncan: That Duchess R story did not add up, guys. Klaus: Do you think my sister is seeing someone? Sunny: Well, I never trusted her, not since the day I met her. Isadora: She's your sister, Sunny. The day you met her you were a newborn baby.
Sunny: Exactly.
Isadora: You two are so cute together!
Violet: We’re just friends.
Quigley: Well, she is. I’m not.
Isadora: I'm surprised you had the guts to show up.
Carmelita: I'm surprised you're out when the sun is up.
Isadora: (writing on a notepad) Mysterious vampire references from a psuedo, angry girl.
Klaus: Are you proposing to help us?
Violet: Why?
Quigley: Because life is strange, and now, so am I.
Olaf: I don’t know, Sunny, but I think there’s a man’s soul inside you.
hey starting ASOUE incorrect quotes blog just so you know! No idea what its called but it exists!
This is it!
