We stepped into the shower together. The water ran hot, and our hands kept busy with soaps and shampoos for awhile.
"Let me help you with that," we both said at the same time, and laughed.
He turned around while I washed his back. I turned around while he washed mine.
Then I turned around again and washed the rest of him. His cock slick and heavy in my hands.
His hands, in turn, were running through the spray of the water, and through my hair. Shampoo ran into my eyes, and the sting screwed up my face.
It all seemed so peaceful, so wonderful.
I had not felt this relaxed in months.
And all of a sudden I was alone, under all that weight of the water and his hands, and it hit me.
"My mother is going to die," I whispered through his hands running across my face.
I could picture myself at my mothers bed, watching her take her last breath. I could then feel it, as if it was happening.
Not only that, all of a sudden I could embody my mother and feel the moment through her.
I could sense myself, as my mother, getting ready for the very last breath I would ever take in my life.
And then it was as if I was going to die - with the realization that my mother was going to die, I realized in conclusion that I too would die.
Nothing that I could ever hope to do in life would ever stop that from happening.
My heart skipped a beat, and then another. It ached and a lightning bolt of pain shot through my chest. I felt overcome with a finality that made me want to flee the shower, the house, or my own skin altogether.
My brain was unable to plead ignorance any longer and I received the full knowledge of death all at once. Unfiltered, unrestrained.
Adrenaline rushed through every muscle in my body, and I ran out of breath. Nothing existed at that moment but that finality.
The rushing of the water was now ringing in my ears, overcome still by the stuttering hammer that was my heartbeat.
I, alone, existed in this shower. I, alone, had to bear the weight of death. I, alone, would some day have to die.
And even in the expectation of death, I was alone. He had disappeared from the shower. My senses were overcome and shut down.
Unable to be with myself in the most truthful way possible,
the muscles in my legs gave away, and I dropped into the tub - slid right in between his legs and hit my head hard on the edge.
Then darkness came, the very same that would one day take me and make me disappear forever.
And far away, a voice rang out: "I am here, I am here."
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