One Extravagant Family Quarrel

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[unicornjellybee]

Hello old rant spot

Came back to my hometown for the first time in three years and the first time since falling out with my mum. I originally sort of planned to but didn't think it would happen for visa reasons, but my dad is old and the more times goes by the more I wanted to.

Then two things happened: I reconnected with someone from uni in a way that caught both of us off guard and now I'm down bad when I know I can't afford to be (not doing long distance and also honestly still not really willing to inflict myself on someone else). I also found out my mum has been getting tests for months for potential serious health problems.

The combination of both kind of kicked me into fuck it let's go mode, partly because I wanted to see the person again to a degree I KNEW could only end badly, and partly because now I'm worried for both my parents.

Turned up and they were surprised but very happy to see me, but within days I couldn't take being in the house anymore. The atmosphere is so toxic, nobody speaks to each other kindly, and my mum has always been anti-meds which immediately came out again because I have an extra bipolar med and sleeping pills because of it. My parents both started on at me how bad it was to be taking sleeping pills at my age, and I had a breakdown and the person I was planning to see two days later came to pick me up the next day.

Spent the last few days with him and finally felt safe and at ease. Even he noticed the change after one day. I slept properly for the first time in weeks.

And I knew that would fuck with my head, but when I double checked if I'd see him again after this coming weekend before I go back to Japan and the answer was highly likely no, my brain just instantly broke. I asked now because I wanted to have the time to process it because I knew I'd be upset the last time I saw him anyway. I know neither of us wants a proper relationship right now, ldr or no, but it hit me so fucking hard. But I also missed my bipolar meds for a couple days, so I know that probably at play too. But nevertheless, I left his yesterday telling him I knew I would get like this and not to worry because I'll deal with it myself.

But then I came home and within 2 hours my mum was telling me how she spoke with someone else that was in my position (that had adhd not bipolar mind you) and said how terrible Japan is about meds, how they even ban some USA meds, how ill never be cured of my illness until I want to be, what will I do at 40 if I need sleeping pills now, have I actually been properly assessed (that last one has been asked approximately every single time the word bipolar even comes up)

I'm going to Germany for a week next week to see my best friend, and then I'm only back for 10 days before I leave for Japan again. I have other friends I want to see in that time, but I also want to see him again so badly even though I know I can't that it's making me feel sick. And on the one hand it's good, because I feel that seeing him again would only make it harder because at the end of the day what difference would it really make. But also the thought of being trapped at home for another 10 days makes me feel sick to my stomach.

It also doesn't help that this is happening at a time when I was already feeling lost about what to do with myself in the future. I've lost all motivation and belief in myself, and I hate living Tokyo. I miss the nature in the U.K.. I don't like being around my parents and I definitely cannot live here again, but I still love them. Even if they hurt me, I still love them. And all of this is messing with me, because he alone has become a very big pull back to the U.K. (which I know is bad in so many ways I cannot even explain I KNOW) but my parents have just reaffirmed how much I don't want to be here. I don't want to be near them.

There's really nothing to be done in this situation. I did it to myself. I'm taking my meds again and waiting for them to kick back in and telling myself it will be fine. It's also the end of the year, and the end of the year has always fucked with me. I just need to rant somewhere because I don't want to bring this down on all the people I care about having a nice new years.

[pkmn-go-to-the-polls]

Pokémon Human Character Tournament: THE FINAL SHOWDOWN

CHOOSE YOUR FAVORITE!!

Jessie (anime)

James (anime)

Voting ended onJun 23, 2023

[goblin-gal-pal]

[moniquill]

[transwarlock]

they want you to say “I’m sorry.”

it’s rhetorical. they don’t actually give a shit why you did what you did, they just want an apology and think that asking this rhetorical question ought to make you look inward, because they’ve already decided that a) you fucked up, and b) you fucked up on purpose.

because that’s just how so many neurotypical people get when they’re angry. they would expect you to do the same when you’re angry with them, so they think it’s fair to treat you that way when they are.

any attempt to explain why you did what you did is immediately dismissed as you intentionally deflecting blame.

you will get further by saying “I’m sorry” even if it’s not sincere because that is the appropriate scripted response for these situations, like how when you’re asked “how are you” the only correct response is “good, you?”

sometimes they appreciate you playing along with the script they expect you to follow more than an actual sincere apology, and that’s just how it is.

[fursasaida]

adult life is truly just thinking “I NEED TO CLEAN” while dealing with the 17 other things that have a hard deadline

[magicratfingers]

went to throw dog poop away in a rando trash can and

[floralasshat]

Plz tell me you took him home and have a new per gengar.

[magicratfingers]

i'm not qualified to provide adequate enrichment for a trash gengar also I know for a fact he was recently hit in the face with a bag of dog poop

[magicratfingers]

it just started raining this is really doing a number on my object personification

໒( ●ܫฺ ●)ʋ

[magicratfingers]

Jesus fucking Christ

[magicratfingers]

jesus fucking christ

[osvaldvvanstein]

Update please I am begging you

[magicratfingers]

ok but you’re not gonna like it

[magicratfingers]

mid spa break to drain in the sink

[magicratfingers]

sir

please

[magicratfingers]

the family requests that trash gengar's privacy be respected during this difficult time

drying in the sun

[magicratfingers]

[goodbyenorthernlights]

@goodmode

[inbabylontheywept]

I used to do cross country in high school, and there was this guy on the team that was wonderful. Great guy. But his advice to everyone that asked how to get good was to run 20k a day.

If you don't run, I'll just tell you, most people's bodies cannot take that kind of abuse. No matter how much you train, you will not be able to run 20k a day. It's like how you can't train to make your cuts heal faster. You recover as fast as you recover. So while a big part of what made this guy so succesful was the dedication and mental toughness needed to actually run 20k a day, an equally big part was that he healed like fucking Wolverine. And that's fine, but it would've been nice if he knew that and stopped telling new guys to commit suicide by jogging.

Different guy on the team ran like, 5-6k a day, which actually isn't all that much. His problem when he gave advice was that he didn't really get that 5-6k a day doesn't generally produce elite results for most people. He was lucky in the sense that he didn't have to work all that hard to get great results, and unlucky in the sense that if he pushed himself much further than that, he fell apart.

I think about those two whenever I get advice from succesful people. The very things that make them outliers also make their advice useless to most people. Worse, they're often outliers on totally separate ends of the same spectrum, so their advice will be contradictory.

[inbabylontheywept]

@creamsoda-slut no, this was a thing on our team too. The 20k guy had a cast iron stomach and he loved hotdogs. I eat hotdogs as a like, a nostalgia thing, but he just truly genuinely loved them. So some runs, he'd duck into a gas station and buy some. Pair it with the fact that this guy also had a major league pot belly, and it was a sort of accidental psychological warfare tactic. I'd be running along, panting, sweating, dying of heastroke by the AZ canals, and then Mr. 20k would blitz past, potbelly jutting 3 inches past his nose, a greasy gas station hotdog in both hands, and then he'd yell HEY BABS YER DOINGF FERFIFIC and I'd realize in the kind of sluggish way you realize everything when it's over 100 degrees that he had a third hotdog in his mouth and wasn't even out of breath. And then he'd slap my ass and chortle through his hotdog in this sort of huffy HEUHEUHEUHEUHEU and just rocket over the horizon. It was incredible. Like running with Dionysus.

Another time, we had a girl who wore a tankini on a run to the pool. Some of the other girls were Scandalized, so the coach made a thing about it and she was super embarrassed to be called out and then for the next pool run he showed up in a yellow speedo, gave himself a wedgie up to his nips and just slow jogged in front of the complainers the whole way to the pool. There was nothing they could do. If they tried to go fast, he could just pick up speed indefinitely, he was impossibly fast, and if they went slow, he, he had no issue just taking a mozy with his buns out.

Nobody complained about the tankini after that.

At another race, him and a few other varsity were having a contest to see who could pee up a tree the highest. He won when he ran up to the tree, still pissing, and did a sort of half-backflip that resulted in him falling straight on his head while also whipping piss like 12 feet up the tree. Everyone cheered him on so fucking hard, and he was ecstatic, I distinctly remember doing one of thus chest bump things with him and getting pushed back like 8 feet, but immediately afterwards he had his race and he kept getting lost because it turned out that the whole landing directly on his head thing gave him a concussion. And despite going on like, 3 wrong turns, he still won that race.

I was never friends with him personally, I just kind of watched him in awe from a distance. An incredible human being. One of my favorite people of all time. Only flaw that he had is that he casually would tell new guys to join him for workouts, and then the rest of us poor saps who had actually tried it once would go over and have to tell the new guy to Actually Please Don't Do That.

[conkreetmonkey]

Dude, that was fucking Wario. You met Wario.

[inbabylontheywept]

[losassen]

Finished my goofy FMA sticker sheets 

[unicornjellybee]

Cw weight just venting and calling myself out for later

One of my best friends is staying with me for a month or so and she's brought all her belongings including things she wants to sell or get rid of

Among those is a scale which she offered to me because I don't have one. I kind of hesitated but accepted because there have been times I've wanted/needed a scale and I've lived the last 10 years of my life without constant access to one so I figured I'd be fine to have one now

Except now every time I look at myself and feel bad in some way about my weight, I know I can weigh myself. I don't think about it a lot but when I do it bothers me, because before I simply had no choice but let the feeling pass (or wait until the next shibari class and weigh myself after going to the bathroom and not eating most of the day) but now I know it's there and I can just. Do it

I've only actually weighed myself on it once when she wasn't home and was surprised to see I've not changed weight, and by chance a couple days later my friend commented I'm looking a bit thin in my face again let alone my body and I was able to say I'm fine because I weigh the same as always

But then the thought that I might get on the scale and weigh more makes me feel sick. Even though I know it shouldn't. Even though I know 0.5kg is literally less than a days worth of food but I still feel panicked at the thought of seeing the number climb. Especially if it moves by 1 or 2kg. Which I KNOW is stupid I KNOW but still

[sizvideos]

Deadpool’s instructive video may save your testicles

[mrs-prism-deactivated20180422]

This is both entertaining and really important.

[accidentallypatriotic-deactivat]

Yo if you’ll reblog the boob campaign, you can damn well reblog Deadpool discussing bollocks.

[lucifer-is-a-bag-of-dicks]

Deadpool is canonically riddled with cancer this is actually such an appropriate campaign

[lizluvscupcakes]

Of course! Always.

[kharacore]

jenny holzer

[unicornjellybee]

Just talking to myself about language and identity and the use/reclaiming of slurs

Was talking with a friend today about the fact that I was recently told off/called out by another friend when I (lovingly) referred to a character as crippled, and I mentioned that partly I say it out of empathy because I consider myself crippled, or at least closer to crippled than not, but then my friend today mentioned that technically you'd say disabled now except I actually actively DONT consider myself disabled

They were kind of surprised to hear that and when I thought about I wasn't sure why I thought it either tbh. I don't consider myself disabled because it's not like my knee prevents me from doing anything really except like certain sports or movements, but those kinds of things are true of everyone disabled or not. I have good days when I have very little pain or even no pain sometimes, and I have bad days where I walk with a limp. But the point is that I don't need mobility aids, I don't need people to make adjustments for me. I can do it myself or I just suck it up because it's been my life for so many years now that I don't consider myself disabled because I am ABLE to do almost everything.

But I do consider myself crippled in the sense that my knee has been crippled. It was crippled first by breakage, then tearage, then further wear made worse by the previous injuries and natural shape, and now by the after effects of the surgery that fixed the original problem. I haven't had a day of no problems since I was 11. At some point the dislocations stopped hurting, and now it doesn't dislocate anymore be it HURTS. It hurts and it creaks and everyone says "it's just age" but they don't understand that it's been this way since I was young. When I have to walk with a limp because just putting pressure on it hurts and then I have to spend 10 hours straight standing and it's so painful I have to take breaks every ten minutes to put it up to drain some of the swelling, I don't feel disabled but I DO feel crippled. Physically and by pain.

I would never refer to someone derogatively as a cripple and I would never use it outside a friend group that knows about my issues. But thinking about it is weird to me that o don't consider myself disabled I guess, because maybe I am?? I feel like I have no right to claim that title, given I need no outsider consideration. So much of my body is prone to injury just because of the way it is, this is just another result of that. But for sure, my knee is wrecked and only going to get worse (or, in the words of my doctor, "normal ageing and simply not the years of a 30yr old anymore" sir I am not 30 yet)

Idno I don't really have a point to this just wanted to write it out

[plagalkey]

talent is something you make bloom

[hiiragi7]

Not my usual content, but I made something I wanted to share...

[furryprovocateur]

hm apparently there's public sex discourse going on right now. i cannot imagine a less qualified group of people to talk about both being in public and having sex than tumblr.com users

[catchaspark]

According to Know Your Meme, on August 18th, 2005, Erwin Beekveld brought forth this work into the world. HAPPY TEN YEAR ANNIVERSARY, THEY’RE TAKING THE HOBBITS TO ISENGARD.

[timefortigers]

sheds a single tear

[catchaspark]

every august 18th my notifications break and i go, fuck, tumblr has failed me once again, but it hasn’t. it hasn’t failed me. it’s just the taking the hobbits to isengard-iversary. happy 12 years

[unicornjellybee]

Trigger warning for self harm and eating disorder

[unicornjellybee]

Today I threw out the rest of the things from my ex including the ring box I was going to propose with. I never got the chance to get a ring made which in hindsight is a good thing but I couldn't bring myself to get rid of the box. It's been sitting in a shoebox on my shelf with everything else for the last two years. And today I finally got rid of it.