Thereâs a particular attitude I often see on the internet that goes something like âIf you arenât part of a particular marginalized group, then you could never understand their experience, so donât pretend to relate.â And while obviously youâre never going to relate to every aspect of that identity unless you are also of that identity, I feel like this attitude really diminishes opportunities for finding kinship and bonding in similar experiences even if those experiences arenât exactly the same and/or are the result of different identities.
For example, Iâm white and neurodivergent, and I was talking to a Black neurotypical friend about masking, and how I feel like I have to change the entire way I present myself in order to not be considered weird in public. She responded with âOh, some of that sounds kind of like code-switchingâ how I have to switch away from using AAVE in white-dominated settings in order to be accepted.â And then we bonded over how frustrating and ridiculous it is that AAVE and stimming are both considered unacceptable in âprofessionalâ settings.
Another time, a straight Jewish friend was telling me about a book she had just finished reading, which was written by a Jewish author and had a Jewish main character. She was saying that it was really nice to read a book written by a Jewish author, because even when gentile authors do their research and write a pretty accurate Jewish character, they never quite feel Jewishâ you can always tell the author was a gentile. And I said âOh that sounds kind of like when I read queer characters written by straight authorsâ you can always tell the author was straight even if they do their research and get things fairly right. So even though Iâm happy when any book features queer characters, itâs really especially nice to read queer characters written by queer authors.â And we bonded over this similar experience, and we were both excited that the other understood even if we were coming to this experience from different angles, and then we swapped book recommendations. This conversation is also a great example of when that internet attitude DOES applyâ when someone outside of a particular group is trying to understand that groupâs entire experience well enough to accurately write the world as seen through their eyes. Theyâre never quite going to get it right, and thatâs ok! It just means itâs important to also have Own Voices authors writing those types of stories also.
Sometimes it seems like people who have been in internet circles exhibiting this attitude for too long are afraid to ever try to relate to the experiences of anyone in any groups other than their own for fear of causing offense, which is honestly pretty counterproductive. Understanding each other and bonding across groups should be the goal! Relating to each other is not a bad thing!
theartofmadeline
germansingergirl
jacobvanloon
turnnoffyourmind
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