Truth be told it's been a while. I can say life got in the way, and while it did, I was not faithful to this blog of mine.
I saw it every time I opened tumblr, my laptop remembered and thought of it every time I opened it, it would open on the page of my blog, and I see the days blur by – sometimes I discounted it altogether. To ignore the promise I made to myself, and it feels like such a long and short time ago when I was ranting about to the politics and the birth of the second Trump administration.
Now truth be told, as the years get to me I feel jaded, stuck, grown-up too fast, I am bored, almost, with the happenings of life.
Atrocities that happen don't seem to faze me, and I wish to do more, yet if feels treacherous – if I were to throw myself away into the throes of history when I have people that'd miss me.
Maybe, you'd understand, that torn, helpless feeling you get? Or the feeling of hopelessness, yet before it all, I shall refuse to kneel.
I don't really know what I am, my purpose is, I had never thought it'd get this far, I had never thought I'd make it this far. And, I think there's something so painfully sweet about me writing this when the sun shines so brightly, so warmly into my room, as I stew in my room – writing, pleading for something to change whilst remaining so stoically still in my own life.
Yet I remember my friends smile, their bright, warm smiles, the gently touches of my lover, the hope that things may get better, and I suppose they will – but, with life being life, it'd never be how I envisioned it.
I suppose there is a certainty we grow, that we can rely on ourselves at the very end to get through it, as we've done before, that even if it hurts, we become jaded, grow older, colder, calloused, there is the ever-present youth in our soul we have, and that it will refuse to be put out because it believes in us, that we shall see it through.
I admire our quiet resilience.
And if you've made it this far reading my small blog, thank you, for being patient and reading my thoughts. I hope it brings some solace to you, as writing it, does for me. xx
