disaster remade

19 - he/they

[unlisted-l4ndmine]

hey, call me Jay! I'm 19 and use he/they pronouns! formerly lemon-boy-landmine, unlisted-landmine, unlistedlandmine, and unlisted-boyblog! yeah tumblr doesn't like me

I have autism, generalized anxiety disorder, and moderate depression. I suspect I also have ADHD and quiet BPD, but I've yet to pursue diagnosis.

I'm a lifestyle jirai, and I'll be using tags related to it! I'm also a NEET, though not by choice, and I'm currently attempting to change it :')

tw/cw: drug use (dxm, nic, gab, etc), alcohol, disordered eating, shoplifting, occasionally sh, gender dysphoria, general venting

☆ wishlist ☆ kofi ☆ cashapp ☆

I've got a website that I use to back up some of my stuff! That's all I can think of rn, but here's a song that I like!

[dumb-teenagerx]

*at school* this place sucks! *at home* this place sucks! *outside* this place sucks! *anywhere irl* this place suckss!

[unlisted-l4ndmine]

I told my mom I feel yucky and sad, which I do, and she ushered me off to eat something w protein, and when I pressed that I don't feel ok, she groaned and said I'm just like my dad.

[yyuk1ta]

HELP ME FIND NY MOOTS!!!! TUMBLR GOT ME AGAIN!!!!

Pls reblog!!!!

@strawberryfairyflower @flowerbornofdarkness @dinkingmyoiter6 @wuthering-on-your-ashes

[unlisted-l4ndmine]

Nothing works for me like dxm. I could use at night, wake up the next day, and be fine to wait until the next night or even a few days later. But gabs have no fucking afterglow and as soon as it's gone, it's GONE, so now I just wanna be fucking high again and it's barely even noon.

I just need something, ANYTHING that doesn't fuck with my liver, some sort of downer that'll make me feel okay, I don't care what the fuck it is, I just need SOMETHING I can take that won't make my blood test results look like I'm about to fucking die. they're general, not drug tests, so I genuinely do not care.

And I MEAN IT when I say I'd take ANYTHING. I'm remembering that time I saw pills on the ground outside of walgreens, and I googled them out of curiosity, and saw they were anti-convulsants, I think they might've been pregabalin. I had no intention of taking pills off the ground, so I left them there, and now I'm on the verge of fucking crying because I should've just fucking grabbed them. They were gone the next time I went.

I don't care what it is, I don't care if it's legal, I don't care if it's got physical withdrawals, I just need fucking SOMETHING. I just want to feel okay again 😭😭

But I'm broke and stuck at home so I'm definitely not getting anything like that any time soon. I hate everything.

[unlisted-l4ndmine]

I WANNA BE A PARTY GIRL SO BADDDD SOMEONE TAKE ME TO A CLUBBBB

I wanna do shitty eyeliner and put glitter all over my face and wear ripped shirts n studded belts and have a cute handbag and get just shy of overstimulated only to drown it in alcohol and vibe to the music and make friends and aaaaksksdjhdnadbskfbsnsdhs

[needygirlsymptoms]

"that is unhealthy!" ....would you rather I kill myself?

[unlisted-l4ndmine]

past midnight, enjoying my alone time bc I get so fucking little without interuptions, and my mom opens her door and tells me to fold the fucking laundry. I was awake, but if I wasn't, I'm fully sure she would've woken me up to do it bc no way in hell is she doing it herself. fucking wonderful. my ONE respite, the only time I get to just exist and forget how much I want to fucking die, and she can't even leave me alone for more than two fucking hours.

[unlisted-l4ndmine]

trying to listen to more of what I consider "basic" music bc I don't wanna feel so disconnected from my bestie 😭 Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo, etc. She also listens to a lot of country so I'm gonna skim her playlists and see what she likes lmao. I've found a few gems I actually do like but some of it

ALSO JUMPSCARE CHECKING HER PLAYLIST AND SEEING SKZ... it was All My Life so it's not the most surprising track to be there but like STILL 😭😭

[unlisted-l4ndmine]

I ordered a new cashapp card on the unlistedmp3 acc and it's SO CUTEEE

I can't take screenshots bc cashapp doesn't allow that but I'll show yall when it gets here, it's sooo cunty lowk and absolutely fits my recent vibe, I already love it

I don't use my card much but I suspect I'll use this one way more, it's SO cute I love it I love it I love it 😭😭

anywayssss pspsps give me money so I can use my cute card when it gets here :3

Instantly exchange money for free on Cash App

[unlisted-l4ndmine]

idk why but as much as I love my dividers, I would NOT use them to rb someone else's post 😭 like I love using dividers on my own posts and I'm soso proud of them bc I made them myself, but I just. I somehow feel like it makes reblogs harder to read somehow? harder to look through? idk why I think this, they just feel sm more jarring 😭

[unlisted-l4ndmine]

I lowk want a vertical eyebrow piercing and angel fangs... I don't rlly know about the angel fangs but I feel like I'd eat w an eyebrow piercing.

I also want tattoos. Mainly on my arms. I want Chan's version of the compass star on my left arm and a semicolon w a music note on my right wrist :((

[unlisted-l4ndmine]

I'm not normally one to boost for attention but I realize some ppl might scroll straight past it bc they think it's just a text post but GO ANSWER MY POLLLLLLL

Post by @unlisted-l4ndmine · 1 poll

💬 0  🔁 0  ❤️ 0 · I love lefleigh and the general telling-stories-abt-drugs thing and I lowk wanna do that, but one idk if I'd do it on my ga

[unlisted-l4ndmine]

I love lefleigh and the general telling-stories-abt-drugs thing and I lowk wanna do that, but one idk if I'd do it on my gacha/music channel since I'm pretty good at making and using poses to express what I'm saying imo, or if I'd wanna do it on my vlog channel. considering a big chunk about my songs that I intend to use my gacha/music channel for are about drugs anyway, I feel like it wouldn't be too weird to do it on there, but I also feel like it'd be jarring?? 😭 then again, it'd be a pretty easy way to drive away ppl who also wouldn't like my music 💀 idk. I don't even have that many stories to tell. like, I have:

my first time drinking

my nic gum -> cigarettes -> vape journey

my bestie and I scavenging (which would be short)

my first time using dxm

halloween

that time I blacked out

my first time counterflipping (which would be short)

the brief dxm drought in my area

that caffiene snorting arc

my first time mixing dxm and weed

the time I almost died

my bestie and I drinking at the movies

...damn ok actually I kinda DO have a lot of stories to tell 💀 none of them are as awesome or crazy as the ones I hear abt on youtube, but for someone w one irl friend who lives two states away, no school or job, and no ILLEGAL illegal drugs, that's lowk good 😭 esp considering I haven't even been doing this stuff for a full year yet

would yall care to hear abt that stuff? some of them, I vlogged abt, but I also know I can yap up a storm if given the chance and I can prob make them sound more fun than they visually looked from a camera's perspective 😭

should I do it?

yes (gacha/music channel)

yes (vlog channel)

no

Remaining time: 4 hours 19 minutes

[smokeysensualist]

[unlisted-l4ndmine]

My mom wants to set specific times for me to edit, bc I told her I didn't edit much while they were gone, and she looked at me like I told her I killed the dog with a fucking chainsaw. Horrified and unspeakably disappointed. She asked what times I'm most comfortable editing, and every window I gave, she mentioned that I might want to talk to my friends at those times.

She just doesn't want me to have friends anymore. That's fucking it. She says it's not, so long as I balance them w my responsibilities, but then she gets mad if after finishing a video that took three days to do well, I talk with my friend for more than three HOURS. She acts like I'm actively trying to ruin her life by having social connections outside of her.

My friend snapped me and said she thinks her parents might be kicking her out soon, and asked if it's weird to be relieved because it means she won't have to deal w them anymore. I told her it wasn't given all they put her through, but refrained from telling her that I feel the same way. My mom holds the fact that I live here over my head, citing that her parents kicked her out at 18. But they did that, knowing she had somewhere to stay. I don't. And yet?

I fucking WISH she'd kick me out atp. I don't care anymore. I fucking hate it here, and I'd get by just fine with my bag and the skills I've aquired. I don't care if I get a fucking heat stroke, because at least I'd be away from here. I'd find ways to get food, and if I couldn't, at least I might finally lose that fucking weight, huh? My life would suck but at least it would suck on my own terms.

I wish I had the money to get a small, cheap-ass apartment with no furnature. Because at least then, I could work my way up to something good. And then, the only times my mom would fucking talk to me would be for editing these goddamn videos, and she wouldn't be asking for feedback and telling me to do things all the fucking time. Then she'd realize how little she actually cares about me anymore, that she DOES just see me as an unpaid employee, and then she'd leave me the fuck alone.

The closest thing I have to an apartment is the garage. And I can't even go in there without telling her first.

[unlisted-l4ndmine]

I took kind of a lottt of gabs from my mom's bottle... hopefully she won't notice. I've been doing this for a while and she never noticed but I'm maddeningly aware this was a lot this time 😭 I need her to order new ones so I can skim the top of the bottles smh