Dear diary,
It took 7 days for this bitch to get back to me after a converation she initiated. She asked how my experience was at the place I went to that I was. Like, okay? Then she followed up the question with a statement about how she has an errand to run in another town. Okay? What is that supposed to imply? I was so annoyed. Last time, she texted me asking what I was up to, and I responded with a statement about being out of town, followed up with what about you, and she left me on read. Responded 3 days later, stating she stayed in and asked how my trip was. I chose not to respond that time either and called her at the end of the week instead. I knew if I replied, it wouldn't go anywhere and would've been left out to dry. Plus, I had already told them weeks prior to what I would be doing and even invited them to join in, which was left unacknowledged.
Anyway, 7 days.... luckily, I was out of town again up to my own devices doing a favor for a family member, so it was chill, but still seeing their message pop up after a whole ass week just pissed me off.
I've become so disillusioned with whatever it is I've been holding on to with this girl. Like I get having to take care of someone, but at the same time, they have additional help at home since they live with their parents, they don't work 40hrs a week, they only work 2.5 days, the kid is at daycare every day of the week during work hours, and they still claim they are "busy and unavailable"? Okay, sure, Jan. If you dont want to hangout or be my friend, you could just say that instead of saying all these contradictions. At least then, I'd known where I stand instead of wondering if I've upset you, or wondering if you hate me.
When we talked over the phone, I mentioned their upcoming birthday...to which they stated they were intending on just copying my birthday plans, but then later she started planning new plans during our converation and asking for my opinions and input for a out of town getaway. But never stated whether that would be a solo thing or whether they intended to invite friends. Either way, just be clear.
Anyway, all this to say what's the use in all this? Maybe it's time to accept that I should only worry about myself and I. Having others in my vicinity makes me default to them without any consideration for myself. I don't know why that is, but perhaps it has something to do with feeling alienated and isolated that having someone to around makes feel some semblance of worthiness, except for when they make me feel unworthy of course.
I guess i have my mother to thank for conditioning me to always put others before me. Something so incredibly hard to un do as an adult. Putting myself first and saying no makes me feel guilty and selfish. Although, I need to be more selfish because it is literally at a detriment.
Sometimes, when I feel undervalued, it makes me resentful for ever caring or being considerate of others, especially when that same consideration is never reciprocal. It fills me with rage. Then I go on to isolate myself and go hermit mode because I feel unloved or underappreciated. I tend to give others my absence, and then, and only then, do they begin to wonder and ask if all is well, or if something is wrong.
I don't feel like explaining it either, because when I have brought up my feelings, I am gaslit and told that the way I remember things is not the case, or that they never meant to make me feel this way, or they begin to make themselves the victim in the situation. Like I am the one who brought up the problem, and now you want me to apologize to you for something you wouldn't have mentioned at all had I not brought up my complaint. Funny how that works.
So much so, that I've decided to just walk away in silence and remove myself from others lives when they repeatedly treat me bad. Its not my job to keep beating a deadhorse repeating the same issue over and over without any changed behavior from others. It comes to a point where its just who they are. Inconsiderate and selfish. They only care when it becomes to affect their life, but not when it affected mine.
Then they think that they can come back months or years later and try to sweep it under the rug, or hope ive forgotten all about it, or hoping that time diminishes its impact. Not around here. It annoys me to the core. Like they really think they're going to get away without acknowledging it.
Anyway, that's all I got today. Just ruminating over the same shit as always.
-undervalued bitch
