@jayalaw The book I recommended talks about this too! Chris Voss was a hostage negotiator for 25 years, which meant a lot of time talking softly and calmly to people who were in-the-moment behaving in unambiguously violent and highly emotionally reactive ways. The stakes were genuinely life-and-death (and "cops go in, guns blazing" was exactly the wrong solution), so you can imagine there's not a lot of room for error. The main technique he and his colleagues developed was to just practice practice practice practice practice in advance until there were some tones of voice and stock phrases which they'd programmed into being automatic and reflexive.
For example: In response to an unreasonable demand: "[soft and slightly low-pitched voice, a slower pace of speech, an expression of compassionate concern] But (name)... How am I supposed to do that?"
Another trick Voss really likes is echoing -- Instead of responding with new words, you repeat what the other person just said (either the whole thing or just the last few words) in a soft, slow, low-pitched, inquisitive or puzzled tone. So for example:
"We should build a second Dakota Access Pipeline!"
"[puzzled] A second Dakota Access Pipeline?"
(Echoing subconsciously prompts the other person to Say More, and it gives YOU a few crucial seconds to think. If they just respond with "Yes!" then either remain silent with the puzzled expression or say, "[puzzled] Really?" or "Tell me more?" or "Go on?")
Remember: If they're the one doing the talking, then YOU'RE the one with the power in the conversation. Let them wall-of-text! Do not wall-of-text back, it uses up too much of your energy! Conserve your energy, and force them to drain theirs while they fruitlessly try to explain! Ask questions rather than making statements! Someone well-meaning but clumsy will eventually get self-conscious and start second-guessing what they said, and a true malicious idiot cannot be persuaded by anyone else but themself.
Also important to emphasize:
1) Know what your goal is for these kinds of situations. If you don't have the time/energy to deal with it, then protect that boundary, because your peace-of-mind is most important. If you do choose to engage, then periodically check in with yourself and monitor your own energy levels -- if you start wobbling, have a prepared phrase you've practiced to tap out gracefully and without judgment (e.g. "Would you mind if we took a break from this topic?")
2) If a conversation is going nowhere, take a break. Many people are more persuaded by 8-24 hours of quietly stewing on a thought than they are by another 5 hours of arguing about it. In my experience people who say dumb shit in the first place seem to just have the kind of brain which processes arguments a little bit more slowly and needs to gnaw on a new idea for a bit before they're able to incorporate it. Remember, not everyone has an ADHD brain that goes super zingy fast!
And for those folks who, like myself, might be kind of obstinate petty bitches sometimes, here is a framing that often helps me get into the right mindset: Graciousness and courtesy IS a contest and you CAN win it.
