i belong deeply to myself

palioxis / 19 / wild poet

[onewholecharle]

hey everyone i very tentatively made a gofundme for my transition costs i’d really appreciate it if y’all could help me out thank you love you all 

[charlie--writes]

0 - The Fool

[unsceafta]

i just feel relieved. i shouldn’t feel relieved.

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voyeurism on an act of remembrance

It’s pretty easy to forget I am alone out here, the only sound my wheeze and the waves against volcanic age but I’m watching him puffing on a cigar as the hat and clothes next to him talk back and tell him life was fun but this is heaven> I sit at a safe distance, in view, not wanting to  startle grief. Still, I intrude. Concentrating on the ocean I feel eyes on me, not he but the man with the dogs behind me, and when I look, he’s gone.

[unsceafta]

feels a bit fucked up that you used me and our relationship to realise you only loved her. that’s not what polyamory is supposed to be.

[poeticsuggestion]

the muses

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you called, my love?

[yourthoughtsspace-deactivated20]

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cost of loving you: - the train ticket when i decided not to go to london so i could see you one last time - the week we spent together at mine - my train tickets home when missing you was too hard - every single takeaway you were ‘too poor’ to split with me, including the one the night you broke up with me - all the alcohol we drank just so we could say we loved each other - my bus fares to yours - my student loan, which i only got so we’d be able to see each other this year - my train ticket up from london to glasgow just so you wouldn’t have to break up with me by phone - the antidepressants i need to keep me stable every day, because you broke me, you did, i had my mental health when we met - my bus fares to therapy, every week, for the past seven months subtotal: - around £12,000, just to have my heart and mind broken by you

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you asked about me, the other day. i wonder, did she tell you i burn all your love letters, cursing you? did she tell you i love more deeply than you let me, that i love more freely than you let me, that i refuse to let anyone ‘fix’ me except my therapist who, by the way, knows all about you. did she tell you i don’t believe you? did she tell you my instinct upon hearing your name is to throw a punch 400 miles to your face? i wonder, did she tell you i threw out all our memories and cleansed myself of you?

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please kiss me like that again

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if he’s trying to fix you, get away from him as fast as you can.

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it is a great sadness that he never loved me; he loved being loved. he is an idiot.

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can i sleep in the space between your heartbeats?

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anaphylaxis and it gets worse every time you kiss me i can feel you swirling through my veins is this how it’s supposed to feel? it gets worse every time

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i just want you

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i’m going to be kind to myself, and i’m not going to love anyone who thinks they can fix me, and i’m going to love myself as deeply as i feel the pain still in my chest, and i’m going to be kind to myself

[unsceafta]

don’t you understand you’ve made me take back over a year and a half of denying love exists?

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don’t you understand you’ve made my summer a waste of time?