hey everyone i very tentatively made a gofundme for my transition costs i’d really appreciate it if y’all could help me out thank you love you all
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hey everyone i very tentatively made a gofundme for my transition costs i’d really appreciate it if y’all could help me out thank you love you all
0 - The Fool
i just feel relieved. i shouldn’t feel relieved.
voyeurism on an act of remembrance
It’s pretty easy to forget I am alone out here, the only sound my wheeze and the waves against volcanic age but I’m watching him puffing on a cigar as the hat and clothes next to him talk back and tell him life was fun but this is heaven> I sit at a safe distance, in view, not wanting to startle grief. Still, I intrude. Concentrating on the ocean I feel eyes on me, not he but the man with the dogs behind me, and when I look, he’s gone.
feels a bit fucked up that you used me and our relationship to realise you only loved her. that’s not what polyamory is supposed to be.
the muses
you called, my love?
cost of loving you: - the train ticket when i decided not to go to london so i could see you one last time - the week we spent together at mine - my train tickets home when missing you was too hard - every single takeaway you were ‘too poor’ to split with me, including the one the night you broke up with me - all the alcohol we drank just so we could say we loved each other - my bus fares to yours - my student loan, which i only got so we’d be able to see each other this year - my train ticket up from london to glasgow just so you wouldn’t have to break up with me by phone - the antidepressants i need to keep me stable every day, because you broke me, you did, i had my mental health when we met - my bus fares to therapy, every week, for the past seven months subtotal: - around £12,000, just to have my heart and mind broken by you
you asked about me, the other day. i wonder, did she tell you i burn all your love letters, cursing you? did she tell you i love more deeply than you let me, that i love more freely than you let me, that i refuse to let anyone ‘fix’ me except my therapist who, by the way, knows all about you. did she tell you i don’t believe you? did she tell you my instinct upon hearing your name is to throw a punch 400 miles to your face? i wonder, did she tell you i threw out all our memories and cleansed myself of you?
please kiss me like that again
if he’s trying to fix you, get away from him as fast as you can.
it is a great sadness that he never loved me; he loved being loved. he is an idiot.
can i sleep in the space between your heartbeats?
anaphylaxis and it gets worse every time you kiss me i can feel you swirling through my veins is this how it’s supposed to feel? it gets worse every time
i just want you
i’m going to be kind to myself, and i’m not going to love anyone who thinks they can fix me, and i’m going to love myself as deeply as i feel the pain still in my chest, and i’m going to be kind to myself
don’t you understand you’ve made me take back over a year and a half of denying love exists?
don’t you understand you’ve made my summer a waste of time?